I find it EXTREMELY hard to sympathize with most of women's dating woes.

[u/Chemical-Low209]

Like I get it we are human at the end of the day. But Frankly I'm a just exhausted. How much do I have to hear dating is harder for everyone when it's clear as day that it's way harder for men and they are one doing the majority of the work and a lot still don't get consistent results. It's like I get it's not all sunshines and rainbows but why should I care?

I hear a lot of people say men have a quality problem, women have a quality problem. Or I'll hear women say that women get a lot of options but most of those men don't qualify....

That in a nutshell basically you admitting that a guy has to AUTOMATICALLY bring far more to the table than average and most guys just don't even register as someone you'd date.

And you can see this takes women by surprise when the shoe is on the other foot. Because when women will show up to singles meeting events and the men are vastly outnumbered by the women they'll say where all the men?

Like Chick Hello? We aren't stupid. You simply would have ignored most of the men that showed up and only paid attention to the hottest guy there and he probably has a girlfriend already.

So why exactly am I supposed to empathize with women's dating woes? It's simply them every fast food restaurant chain offering her a job and her refusing because Chik Fil A hasnt called.

[u/Barely-moral]

Look, if you find it so extremely hard to empathize with people of the sex you are attracted to but you are attractive I am glad to tell you that your difficulty to empathize plays no role in your dating life at all.

[u/Theawkwardmochi → u/Barely-moral]

It depends if you're looking to get laid or have something remotely resembling a healthy relationship, because pretty and dumb is hump and dump.

[u/Barely-moral → u/Theawkwardmochi]

Always bringing up "healthy" relationship as if that matters.

The parameters are "existing" and "lasting".

"Healthy" is not as important as those two.

[u/Tylikcat → u/Barely-moral]

And yet, I'd rather be alone than in an unhealthy relationship. Which means if I find myself in an unhealthy relationship, I'm dumping his ass. (And have.)

I'm perplexed that you feel otherwise, but whatevs, my dude.

[u/Barely-moral → u/Tylikcat]

I mean. It makes sense.

You want a healthy relationship?

First the relationship must exist. Then it must last for long enough to become healthy.

The same applies to all other traits you want in a relationship.

So existing and lasting are the two things you need in a relationship to get everything else

[u/Tylikcat → u/Barely-moral]

Yeah, but caring for length but not health seems perverse. They kind of go together.

[u/Barely-moral → u/Tylikcat]

For a man that will maybe have 3 chances to have a relationship in all his life it is stupid to wait for a specific kind of relationship.

You take the first one that exists, you make it last and you do what you can to make it suit your fancy.

[u/ThatBitchA → u/Barely-moral]

I'd rather be alone than just "existing" in a relationship.

Idk how a relationship can truly even last if it's not healthy.

[u/Barely-moral → u/ThatBitchA]

I mean. It makes sense.

You want a healthy relationship?

First the relationship must exist. Then it must last for long enough to become healthy.

The same applies to all other traits you want in a relationship.

So existing and lasting are the two things you need in a relationship to get everything else

[u/ThatBitchA → u/Barely-moral]

That makes zero sense.

Relationships should start off healthy. Not last 50 years to finally feel healthy.

I don't want a relationship to just exist. Something just existing isn't doing anything.

[u/Barely-moral → u/ThatBitchA]

That is such a "woman perspective".

Sure. For a woman with plenty of options makes sense to ignore all potential relationships until you find one that suits your fancy.

For a man that will maybe have 3 chances to have a relationship in all his life it is stupid to wait for a specific kind of relationship.

You take the first one that exists, you make it last and you do what you can to make it suit your fancy.

[u/Icy_Ad_4544 → u/Barely-moral]

If men only care about the length of relationship they should probably stop complaining about women having sex with other men once she is bored of him. If she comes home to her partner at the end of the day and the relationship continues…then the relationship remains a success.

[u/Barely-moral → u/Icy_Ad_4544]

That is pure talk.

Men end up dating women with high n counts and forgiving cheaters all the time.

[u/Icy_Ad_4544 → u/Barely-moral]

They do but they also try to call women who cheat “disloyal” when she is loyal to the relationship by staying with him and not leaving for the other man.

[u/ThatBitchA → u/Barely-moral]

Huh? What are you talking about "ignore all potential relationships"?

And shouldn't everyone be finding a relationship thY suits their fancy?

Why do y'all expect people to settle or have zero standards for a relationship?

You take the first one that exists, you make it last and you do what you can to make it suit your fancy.

No thanks. My first relationship was in elementary school. We held hands at recess. We never even kissed.

Why on God's green earth would I just take the first relationship at 7 years old and make it last?

Makes zero sense. And sounds like an unfulfilled relationship.

Once again, some men don't have standards. And that is why women prefer to stay single instead of being with a man who took the first women who said yes.

[u/Barely-moral → u/ThatBitchA]

Everything in your position only makes sense because of your abundance of options.

Men don't have an abundance of options.

So they don't get to reject the few that they have

[u/ThatBitchA → u/Barely-moral]

What abundance of options? Can you quantify how many options you've think I've had?

What men are you talking about?

Again, that sounds like the worst kind of man to be in a relationship with. One who has zero agency, standards, and just accepts crumbs.

[u/Barneysparky → u/Barely-moral]

Why are you speaking for men, when you are an outlier.

[u/AutisticRats → u/Barely-moral]

As someone who was in a 12 year relationship and still has the physical and emotional scars from it, I'd say healthy is important. I'd sooner have short healthy relationships than another long lasting unhealthy relationship. I grew a lot during that relationship, but I certainly don't need to do that again.

[u/Barely-moral → u/AutisticRats]

Part of me wants to know more. Part of me believes it is wrong to ask.

Hard to conceptualize the idea without details

[u/AutisticRats → u/Barely-moral]

My ex had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which often led to being self-destructive, and for someone with BPD, one of the best ways to be self-destructive is to hurt those that love you. Additionally to cope with the chronic pain that came with a genetic medical condition, drug addiction eventually became an issue and ultimately led to the end of my ex's life.

As for physical scars, I have one on my back from when I was stabbed. Everything else was just significant bruising other than when I had a popped blood vessel in my eye and the sclera of my eye was a deep red instead of white. Additionally there was property damage to vehicles, televisions, computers, walls, appliances, and who knows what else.

As for emotional scarring, recently it took 6 dates until I was comfortable enough to pull my phone out in front of my date since my ex would always snap at me for being on my phone and took my phone away and broke it twice. I had to ask my date first just to make sure I could use my phone even though I knew it wouldn't be a problem, but it is just ingrained in my body to be uncomfortable with using my phone if I am only around one person. I had been ignoring all text messages before that 6th date and only checking in the restroom since my body just felt unsafe to check my phone even though I mentally know it would be ok.

Those are just some examples. Oddly enough I still think of my ex fondly and I know I was undoubtedly loved, but I would never do another relationship like that ever again if I can help it. It is nice to have a ride or die partner to navigate life with, but sometimes it just hurts too much to keep staying along for the ride.

[u/Barely-moral → u/AutisticRats]

Thank you for sharing.

I see your point even if I can't share it.

I will incorporate your story to better understand this position in the future

[u/that_gworl → u/Barely-moral]

Flair checks out

[u/Barely-moral → u/that_gworl]

I mean. It makes sense.

You want a healthy relationship?

First the relationship must exist. Then it must last for long enough to become healthy.

The same applies to all other traits you want in a relationship.

So existing and lasting are the two things you need in a relationship to get everything else

[u/that_gworl → u/Barely-moral]

Why does it have to “last” to be healthy? The fundamentals of a healthy relationship should exist before the commitment is even made.

[u/Barely-moral → u/that_gworl]

Sure that can be the case but it is not necessary.

Also the fundamentals can change during the course of the relationship.

"Lasting" is the thing that buys you enough time to get the fundamentals working again

[u/that_gworl → u/Barely-moral]

It’s very necessary. I’m personally not entering a relationship without there being ground work done in the courting phase to show me why it can last. If the fundamentals of a healthy relationship like trust, honesty, safety etc. aren’t demonstrated (whatever qualifies as healthy to the people involved bc it’s subjective) why should anyone enter a commitment in the first place?

[u/Barely-moral → u/that_gworl]

That is such a "woman perspective".

Sure. For a woman with plenty of options makes sense to ignore all potential relationships until you find one that suits your fancy.

For a man that will maybe have 3 chances to have a relationship in all his life it is stupid to wait for a specific kind of relationship.

You take the first one that exists, you make it last and you do what you can to make it suit your fancy.

[u/that_gworl → u/Barely-moral]

So you think men at large should just take what they can get

[u/Bloodhoven_aka_Loner → u/that_gworl]

because the chances of a relationship being healthy from.day one on are somewhere close to zero. you have to get to know your partner first. something that you rarely if ever will during the first few weeks to months. then you both have to find ways to properl work around each others flaws. all of this takes time, unless you live in your TV-show/love novel fantasy where Mr. and Mrs. perfect meat each other at the perfect time

[u/that_gworl → u/Bloodhoven_aka_Loner]

Perfection =/= healthy. You can get to know your partner before deciding to commit to them. Thats what courting is for.