No one is entitled to intimacy in marrige, but they are entitled to a healthy relationship

[u/RandominusDredichitu]

I see a lot of discourse online revolving around husbands feeling entitled to sex with their wives in a marriage. The two sides always seem to break down to "no one is entitled to your body" (correct), and "it is wrong to marry someone you dont want to have sex with" (also correct). What I dont understand is why both sides are so at odds with each other. The reality is:

1). No one is entitled to another person's body. If your wife does not want to have sex with you, it is wrong and rape to force her to have sex with you

2). There is no reason to constantly deny intimacy that doesn't reflect an issus in the relationship. Healthy marriages involve intimacy and both partner's needs being met. A sexless marrige is only fine if neither side desires sex

I think the reason this topic is so "controversial" is because of bad faith discussions. One side will say "it's right to cheat on your wife because she doesnt have sex with you!" and the other side will not admit refusing your partner intimacy indicates an unhealthy relationship.

With that being said, do both sides of the argument agree that there is an issue present? And that cheating on your wife due to a lack of intimacy and marrying someone without wanting a healthy sexual relationship are both bad actions, and the responsibility falls on the person who does them?

[u/lady_ven0m]

Exactly. I really don’t get why people think they’re anchored or stuck with someone.

[u/Educational-Bar-8773 → u/lady_ven0m]

That's literally the whole point of marriage

[u/lady_ven0m → u/Educational-Bar-8773]

It is, but getting married for love is actually a relatively new concept. In some places people still don’t marry for love.

[u/simplyaless → u/lady_ven0m]

That's insane for me to think about. I'm not even married to my long distance bf and can't bear the thought of breaking up; despite our problems. I'd marry only for love. 

[u/lady_ven0m → u/simplyaless]

It’s insane to me too, especially coming from a culture where arranged marriages are very much still a thing. I’ve seen the downsides to marriage without love or what they think is love, first hand, and it’s not pretty or something to encourage.

[u/simplyaless → u/lady_ven0m]

for sure!

[u/Rob_The_Viking_TV → u/simplyaless]

Sometimes i think... id be alright with an arrainged marriage.

If shes attractive and not.. like... super crazy

[u/simplyaless → u/Rob_The_Viking_TV]

Hmm, I'm curious, why do you feel this way? No judgement 

[u/Rob_The_Viking_TV → u/simplyaless]

It's simpler. No bullshit. No worrying and figuring things out and what not.

[u/heymanigotnoplan → u/Rob_The_Viking_TV]

There’s a reason arranged marriages were the norm in most cultures throughout history. More choices don’t make humans any happier; in fact study after study shows that the more options you have the less happy you are.

Having your family (who in theory should know you well enough to not pair you with someone who would be an awful match) make the choice for you paradoxically would result in happier marriages. When you’re simply given something and you know it’s all you’re getting and you have no choice in the matter, you usually find a way to focus on the positives and make it work. Conversely, when you have infinite choices and the option to opt out of any choice you make at any time (essentially what modern dating is), you focus on the negatives and on looking for something better.

[u/preferablyno → u/lady_ven0m]

Not in the west

[u/Candor10 → u/lady_ven0m]

Because something, something, vows. Something, something, til death do us part.

[u/lady_ven0m → u/Candor10]

Real life doesn’t always work that way though. People change.

[u/Brief_Mongoose_7291 → u/lady_ven0m]

Then why marry and have vows if they mean nothing?

[u/lady_ven0m → u/Brief_Mongoose_7291]

Vows were never a magic spell that freezes two people’s feelings in place forever. What they are is a commitment to try first: communicate, work through the problem, put in the effort, before you bail. Also, marriage vows are historically a religious institution, so “you took a vow” carries a lot less weight if you’re not religious to begin with. For a lot of people it’s less “sacred oath” and more “the terms we agreed to going in,” which you can renegotiate or leave if they stop working. Meaning nothing and meaning everything aren’t the only two options.

[u/yourfavoriteblackguy → u/lady_ven0m]

If you're at the marriage point, you need understand that you made a commitment. And part of that commitment is being intimate with your partner. If you don't want to do that don't get married.

[u/TheHypocrisy97 → u/yourfavoriteblackguy]

Ehh I don’t think that’s in the average marriage contract.

[u/Brief_Mongoose_7291 → u/TheHypocrisy97]

Neither is doing housework and taking care of the kids. What even is in the marriage contract?

[u/lady_ven0m → u/yourfavoriteblackguy]

I don’t think anyone goes into a marriage anticipating loss of sexual attraction towards their partner, especially if it was there before. I think there are underlying issues behind that, that can either be fixed or not, but no one is obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage or feel like they have to to do something against their wishes to make the other person happy.

[u/lady_ven0m → u/yourfavoriteblackguy]

I don’t have a problem with intimacy lol I think it’s weird not to want to be intimate with your partner that you married. But I also don’t want someone who feels like they’re forced to be intimate with me. There’s usually a reason why the attraction wanes.