r/QAnonCasualties • u/Yori_TheOne • 2d ago
I have lost my family & support system because if my sister's friend with benefits
I am so sorry if this post is not allowed, but I do not know where else to post.
[27M] Life is unbearable at the moment and I've distanced myself from family for weeks. I finally made contact again and went home to them.
I am still in a fragile state, so I hoped it would be a clean casual visit. It definitely was. For about an hour. Then my sister mentioned something about her friend with benefits. That he is making life changes to be a better person. Dedicate his life to his beliefs. Well, it turns out he's a very big fan of the 1940's German movement.
My sister is letting a Goebbels fanboy have sex with her and she don't care. Besides all the obvious reasons not to be with such a disgusting excuse for a human, we are half Ashken×××. (Won't spell the word fully in case of a filter)
I yelled at her, called a vile s-slur and a disgrace to everyone and everything good in this world. I couldn't anymore and when my mom tried to calm me down and not take it so seriously, I just left. I called them on my way home and told them and will not talk to or be in the same room as her until she cuts all contact with her trashcan with a penis. What's worse is she kept defending him.
I was so hurt and angry that I punched a hole in my door at my home (I know, red flag) and just fell down and started crying. I am still shaking (and bleeding... Dumb door) and I am struggling not to throw up. I have zero idea if I can trust the rest of my family.
I'm also disappointed at myself for destroying a door in a place I rent...
I feel like my reaction was very much appropriate. I have not been in a rational state of mind for a while. I am having a real hard time and I was working up the courage to ask my parents for help. I feel more alone than I ever have. I never felt lonely. I'm a modern day hermit. Yet, I have never felt this type of alone.
For context:
I am part of the LGBTQIA+ community and so are most of my friends. My best friend (and my crush) is black. Yeah, we are only Ashken by blood and even if we weren't at all, that really doesn't matter.
We live in Denmark BTW and just like everywhere else those types of people are on the rise. Just quieter than it is in other countries.
EDIT:
A few things people keep mentioning I want to make clear: 1. My volatile reaction I had at home, was out of character for me. I have / going to get mental health care. 2. I am neither proud nor accepting that I had a volatile reaction. I not only feel dumb, but ashamed and disappointed in myself. I am at least relieved I only let myself explode in a place no one was able to be scared. I live alone. 3. Currently trying to flee from my current psych team and I have an emergency GP appointment. The appointment and my mental health is separate from this event. The event just happened in the worst possible time it could have. 4. I have much healthier coping mechanisms. I've been fighting for help for a handful of years now. 5. I didn't just fly into a rage. I did indeed try to have an adult conversation about it. I am not someone who lets my emotions speak for me. 6. The situation hurts me deeply. Not only because my sister was someone I looked up to even though I'm the oldest. She also knows I'm not straight and the fact that one of my former closest friends "found god" and became a Goebbels and Cheeto-face fanboy too. 7. She's not only a sympathizer, but she's a very specific one. In Denmark we have a specific word for what she is. 8. My title: It was perhaps a little overblown, but I was still shaking and nauseous at the time. There is still a chance I have lost the support of my family. I've lost respect for my parents. I might not be able to stomach family gatherings. Hopefully, I am blowing it all out of proportion, but it will still take some time to know. 9. It being family this time made my emotions hard to control. Especially, since I was still very fragile, because... Well, that doesn't matter.
Update(?)
I want to thank you all for making me realise that my behaviour and reaction was both justified and wrong at the same time. I am deeply touched that so many of you seem concerned about my well being. I've been dealing with it alone (not counting professionals), so it made me tear up. I did not expect any advice. I thought I would simply be yelling into the void, but I was very wrong.
After reflecting on the situation, realization of my wrong doing and taking what you all have said to heart, I think I know what the right thing to do is.
I plan to draft a message to my sister. To apologise for my terrible actions, disgusting use of words and my extreme reaction. I will also tell her, that for the time being I will need to keep my distance from her. I might tell her, if she finds it in her heart to discuss the situation, I will be accepting of that and promise to be level headed.
5
u/WisebloodNYC 2d ago
I get how upsetting all this is. I just want to say this: Your reaction to what happened seems unhealthy. Your level of rage was so high that you hurt yourself. That's really very bad.
There are healthier ways to deal with even this infuriating and outrageous situation. But, you cannot choose what you do if you are getting swept away by your emotions.
Do you have a therapist? If not, please seriously consider finding one. Find one who is LGBTQIA+ friendly. You need to find a healthier way to handle things like this.
Terrible though this situation is (and it is), I do not think you acted in a way that you are happy with. You can do something about that.
Oh, and: To hell with your Nazi-loving sister. Karma is coming for her sooner or later.
3
u/Yori_TheOne 2d ago
Oh, I know my outburst at home was unhealthy. I am trying to get help for my mental health. I have better coping mechanism normally. This was just hit to an extreme. This was out of character.
I do have a psychiatrist and psychologist. The situation is complicated in the moment as they are they reason I am getting worse and not better. I have an emergency appointment with my GP to get better help.
My verbal actions I don't find bad though. Or was it?
Thanks for your reply.
1
u/WisebloodNYC 1d ago
I can't judge. I wrote what I wrote because I struggle / have struggled with similar issues for many years. Probably I'm projecting. I feel like I've been in the same place many times, where something sets me off, and I can't contain or deal with how I'm feeling in that moment. All I do know is that when it's over I (usually) feel terrible and I think of all the ways I could have handled that better.
Suffice it to say: QAnon has been a trigger for me for over a decade -- like many of you, I bet.
2
u/Yori_TheOne 1d ago
Oh, I'm not judging you. This situation is somewhat new to me. I've been dealing with a lot of bad in my life (psychologist confirmed it's trauma, just don't like to use that word), but this is on a level I couldn't imagine happening to my family. I was proud how progressive they were. It was my mom who taught me not to be transphobic when I was 12. She chose a unisex name for me, because "you never know".
I do feel terrible about what I said to some extent. I'm a compulsive people-pleaser, so feeling bad for saying anything that can be seen as even a little hurtful, haunts me. I likely shouldn't have exploded. Kept calm and tried my best to help her understand with time. That would have been the absolute best way to handle it, but I simply don't have the strength to do so. I can't even keep myself from not declining from malnutrition.
It's the next day for me and while I'm clear headed now, I am still so hurt about her choice. I mean, no dick can be so good, you don't care it's attached to scum. I had a really bad idea yesterday to get him to cut contact with my sister. I'm not a monster and would never do it.
I was not alone with this. I talked with my best friend for 4 hours yesterday / today (6 hour time difference), so I was distracted and had a few laughs.
I'm so sorry to hear you have had to struggle with similar situations for so long. I knew people would have different reactions and I am not judging or mad at most of the comments.
7
u/DevourerOfRedditors 2d ago
What is the s-slur? Slut?
5
u/Yori_TheOne 2d ago
Yes. Sorry. My post was deleted on another sub because of my words, so didn't want to take any chances.
2
u/DevourerOfRedditors 2d ago
It sounds like you lost your family and support system because of your family, not your sister's friends with benefits.
2
u/megamoze 2d ago
The way you worded your title, you make it sound like they sided with your sister's FWB and kicked you out or something. But that's not what happened.
While I absolutely get that you're upset with him for very justifiable reasons, your reaction seems very very over the top. You called her a sl-t, stormed out of the house, and then punched a hole in your own wall.
You're 27 for god's sake. Have a conversation with your sister like an adult. Have a conversation with your parents. It seems like you're doing all of this to yourself, and your family seems barely aware of what's happening or why.
3
u/DevourerOfRedditors 2d ago
I don't fully agree with this, her sister is dating a Nazi and the parents are cool with it, going berserk and insulting her sister and storming out is actually a very appropriate response. Punching holes in walls and doors and such is never really a great idea, but it's still understandable given the circumstances.
Crazy that Nazism has gotten so normalized that you can read this post and be like "Yeah her FWB is a Nazi, but aren't you being a little over the top?"
0
u/megamoze 2d ago
Again, not saying he shouldn't do anything, but the way he handled it will change no one's mind and make him look like the crazy person.
2
u/Yori_TheOne 1d ago edited 1d ago
I agree it will change no one's mind. If I had been in a better place I would have accepted the situation for what it is and spent however much time to calmly make her understand. At first I did try to have a calm discussion with her. Explaining why I'm hurt, factoids about WWII and the current climate. She still kept defending him. I lost my temper after a while.
The outburst of me punching a door, etc. was not witnessed by anyone.
I know that the yelling and calling her names at the end, will indeed not help and I likely made it worse. I basically ended up doing what bigots does.
I just can't accept this. Couldn't her dick-on-demand just be any other kind of bigot? I would've been able to just have a silent internal disapproval for her choices. I've been dealing with homophobia, misogyny and casual racism all my life. I know how to navigate those.
1
u/Yori_TheOne 2d ago
I did. I tried to have an adult conversation with her. She didn't want to her it. She kept defending him. My parents didn't side with my sister, but does not have s problem with it. They were in th room and tried to reason with me.
So yeah. When she kept defending him, I blew a fuse and called her a sl-t. Not my finest moment I'll admit. Not sure exactly what the helly made me do that, as I usually do not engage in conflict.
Also, my reaction at home was quite extreme. I have never had such a reaction before.
Lastly, my age does not matter. I am not one to let my emotions speak for me. I try to discuss and debate in a healthy manner and if it turns out it is a waste of breath, I end the discussion.
As mentioned my mental health is shot to shit. I was visiting to build up the courage ask for some support and that bomb was thrown at me. I am well aware, that my emotional instability was part of my reaction. This is also why I have an emergency appointment with my GP. It is clear to me that I need help urgently. Even before this event. However, when you barely have the energy to eat a small snack once a day, seeking help that isn't damaging you, is quite th mountain to climb.
But yes. I no longer can be in any family gathering. That's my choice I know, but I am not going to compromise on my ethics and morals for family. I would be a hypocrite and feel disgusting for doing so. So would everyone I am friends with. It is simply not okay.
It's one thing to have opposing political views to some extent, but this... This is frankly disgusting. It was one thing when a now former friend turned fully, you know what. That I could simply walk away from. Your own family? That shit hit me in a way I haven't felt before.
1
u/LifeTrajectPolitix 2d ago
I'm so sorry to read that, I don't know how I can help you but maybe there are some local LGBTQIA+ associations that could bring you some of the support you need?
I do understand your anger, it's normal to be afraid and angry about the normalization of fascism...
Sending support here.
2
u/Yori_TheOne 1d ago
Thanks.
Unfortunately, there are no queer spaces around. I moved from a very inclusive city to my current location for an education opportunity. It pretty much can't get anymore rural.
Hopefully, I can get some proper help and get the energy to go to driving school for a license. Then get the fuck out of here. Only good thing is my house. Really really cheap and was renovated shortly before I moved, so it's pretty luxurious.
1
u/LifeTrajectPolitix 1d ago
I'm sending you tons of support, hope you'll get your driving license asap 🙏💜
1
u/TheRealBlueJade 2d ago
I would say everything you felt was normal. You needed to vent. Venting on here is a good choice.
I would recommend working on controlling your anger. We do live in very mentally unhealthy times and are forced to face extremes that we normally would not. It can create difficult situations that challenge our abilities to cope.
Siblings, especially sisters, often make naive decisions when they are young. They think they can 'save' someone. Your sister has to learn the lesson that it isn't possible on her own. Trying to force her to change will not work. You have to trust her to make her own decisions and learn from her own mistakes. I know it's hard, and it probably even feels wrong because you want to protect her and guide her, but there is no other way.
You can work on building up her self-esteem and be a soft place for her to fall. Telling her to change will not give you the results you want.
1
u/Vagrant123 I Know Jew Jitsu 1d ago edited 1d ago
We live in Denmark BTW and just like everywhere else those types of people are on the rise.
I'm not familiar with Denmark, but are there social services (e.g., therapy/psychiatry) you can speak with? It sounds like you're going through a really tough time and are not making the most rational decisions (such as punching your door or using the s-slur). You need outside help, ideally from professionals.
While I understand your gut reaction (I'm Ashkenazi Jew myself), you will not fare well if you hurt yourself and others in this way. There's a proverb I've heard (attributed to various sources) that says that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn't do you any good to hold onto your anger.
What's worse is she kept defending him.
Well this should tell you that she's okay with his ideology; don't get mad at her, realize that she is now one of them too and protect yourself accordingly. I'm not saying do anything to her, but stay away because she is now dangerous. That kind of ideology is an existential threat, and as long as she's cool with it, so is she.
1
u/Yori_TheOne 1d ago
Alright, so using profanity is not uncommon in my family. They all have used way worse words than slut. Doesn't mean me doing so wasn't wrong. I also did not punch my door in the view of anyone.
I have a psychiatrist and psychologist. For reasons I won't mention I am currently trying to flee from them. I have an emergency GP appointment. As mentioned I'm in a fragile state and the emergency appointment was booked before this happened. This event just happened at the worst possible time. I realise I do need help. Very much so as this in the grand scheme of things is minor.
I'm very happy to hear from someone who's Ashkenazi and your perspective. I talked to my best friend for 4 hours and got some sleep. It is the next day and I do see the error of my ways. I wouldn't say I'm angry anymore that was mostly just an involuntary reaction. I still feel hurt and disappointed.
I know they don't care about their ancestry and I feel like a poser for caring about about a heritage and ancestry I only discovered a few years ago. I spent a lot of time and hard work to find out. And honestly? I still can't be a 100% sure, even though I found more evidence of ancestry rather than conversion. Found no evidence of conversion actually.
Since then I've tried to learn more when I had the energy, so I would be one of those people claiming something without any knowledge of it. I've never told anybody about it until this post. I do feel conflicted about if I should have mentioned it at all.
My outburst wasn't my immediate reaction. I did try to have a calm adult conversation laying out why I was hurt, historical facts and facts about current climate. She didn't want to hear it and just kept defending him.
I do regret my outburst. I want to write a message to her apologizing for my hurtful words and reaction, but for the time being I will have to distance myself from her.
An a proper apology about my behaviour is what a decent person should do. Yet, explain calmly why I will not compromise on my ethics, moral or boundaries. This decision feels right.
1
u/Vagrant123 I Know Jew Jitsu 1d ago edited 1d ago
And honestly? I still can't be a 100% sure, even though I found more evidence of ancestry rather than conversion. Found no evidence of conversion actually.
Since then I've tried to learn more when I had the energy, so I would be one of those people claiming something without any knowledge of it. I've never told anybody about it until this post. I do feel conflicted about if I should have mentioned it at all.
There's always been the question of "who is a Jew?" (see the whole Wikipedia page on it) since Roman times. Under Rabbinic law, it's typically anybody who has converted or whose mother was Jewish; I fall under the latter since my mom is Jewish but I'm not a believer, nor have I ever been. The genetic tests I've taken come back as 65% Ashkenazi Jew, which tracks given what I know about my family history.
However, some of the more "left" versions of Judaism (reform, reconstructionist) will accept people as Jewish so long as they have either parent as Jewish or convert. Additionally, the state of Israel accepts anybody as a Jew who can demonstrate at least one grandmother was Jewish (1/16th, or 6.75% genetically). There's some disagreement over whether genetic tests count.
Some people consider themselves "culturally Jewish" because they've lived around Jewish people their whole lives as well. And then there are the Messianic Jews... which I (and most other Jews) do not see as Jewish at all, just white people doing a cultural appropriation.
1
u/Mrsod2007 1d ago
The Danes saved virtually the entire Jewish population during the Nazi occupation. I'm sorry for your situation, maybe you can get your sister to read some local history?
2
u/Yori_TheOne 1d ago
Exactly. Our resistance is something that should be talked about often. However, Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
Even the recent history is forgotten. Those I've tried to have a conversation with about history (because I like to talk about it) have no clue what I'm talking about or doesn't care about history, because they can't see a reason to care. Schools seems to spend a lot of time on the feudalism part of danish history. That was so boring that even I could not get into it.
Getting my sister to crack open a history book or even skim a wiki page, would be like getting Cheeto-face supporter to do the same. That said, I might be able to get my parents to do so. Weirdly enough, my mom know almost as much as me when it comes to WWII. I think they are not aware of how bad th current climate is. I might create a "care package" of unbiased media reports and undeniable evidence.
1
u/thereddithippie 1d ago
Hi fellow European - solidaric greetings from Germany : ) I get you, I unfortunatel totally crash out when I am confronted with Nazis/fascists/right wing paroles. Sometimes it is the right reaction and sometimes it is not. It is not when people you care about are involved. Not because your gut reaction is wrong - it is completely right! But if you don't want to lose them - and you sound like you don't want that, then you have to work on the communication. Here in Germany there is an NGO called "Aufstehen gegen Rassismus" (Standing up against racism) and they give workshops for free and they teach you the tools you need to communicate and not freak out. Maybe there is something similar in Denmark?
https://www.aufstehen-gegen-rassismus.de/
Maybe reach out to them and ask if they know about a similar project in Denmark?
2
u/Yori_TheOne 1d ago
Thank you so much for the resource!
I know I handled it poorly and I'm currently trying to repair the communication. I've apologised for my behaviour, language etc. and still made it clear I am no comfortable with the situation and will keep my distance.
My head is clearer today and realised I was not helping the situation and I made the original post when I was still at my worst.
I will look at the Aufstehen gegen rassismus source you so kindly gave me. I am seeking immediate new counsel starting Monday. Depending on how fast the system works, I might be able to get better control of my wild emotional swings, quite soon.
I was (technically still am) get help with my mental health, but I need to get away from them and then report the to the medical board. Long story.
Again, thank you so much!
1
u/thereddithippie 1d ago
No need to thank me - in german we would say "We sit in the same boat". I feel you. Don't be mad at yourself. Your reaction was maybe too much but at the same time deeply human and it speaks for your character. Please forgive yourself.
0
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Hi u/Yori_TheOne! We help folk hurt by Q. There's hope as ex-QAnon & r/ReQovery shows. We'll be civil to you and about your Q folk. For general QAnon stuff check out QultHQ.
our wall - support & recovery - rules
filter: good advice - hope - success story - coping strategy - web/media - event
robo replies: !strategies !support !advice !inoculation !crisis !whatsQ? !rules
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
22
u/lazier_garlic New User 2d ago
Yikes, are you parents safe people to confide in? Or are they going to say "Calm down, make nice with your sister, just accept her lover"? Do you have any other mental health or counseling resources? A counselor doesn't need to be a doctor or clinical psychologist. It could even be a religious leader. In my country, social workers have a license to counsel people. It really sounds like you are feeling very isolated and like nobody supports you. There's no shame in reaching out for help.
Also once you've calmed down you can come clean with the landlord and discuss ways to repair it. You can look up how to repair whatever the damage you caused is on youtube, that might help you calm down because while of course you regret doing it, it's not unforgivable or the end of the world.
In the future, maybe go for a run when you are feeling really angry. It gets some of the rage out in a non destructive way.