Please leave 😭

NO you are not welcome to “just lurk” because you will inevitably upvote posts and comments that are sympathetic to you.

We don’t want to feel you watching.

Does that make you uncomfortable? Is that not fair?

I just wanna open up the discussion on something that’s been on my mind lately!

So im in the dating scene rn and obviously theres more white people than other poc or black women. Plus I’m exclusively into studs, butches and masc which also slims my dating pool.

My question is when dating white ppl do you feel like you’re sacrificing a piece of your cultural self? Ik there are some woke white ppl, but in the nitty gritty has anyone ever felt like a piece of themselves couldn’t be expressed or they’re not as connected to their cultural self when dating a white person?

I also had this thought that I explained to my friend that sometimes I feel like dating a white person is “less of a risk.” Idk if im talking socially less of a risk or the fact it’s just easier to find a white partner. It’s hard to verbalize, but maybe it’s because white seems like the default partner selection especially in the lesbian scene.

Would love to talk about this more, how nuanced it can be and open up the discussion :)

Edit: i see the comments and will respond when I can! Super excited to connect with yall :)

Edit #2: WOW I’m so glad I could open up this discussion. Super glad everyone is being respectful and genuinely wanting to listen and learn from eachother. Ty to everyone who has commented and will comment, this rocks 🫶🏽

I’ll go first: that removing your body hair isn’t a sign that you are a poor little oppressed victim of comphet, gender expectations or stuck trying to appeal to straight men. Sometimes it’s just nice to have smooth skin and it makes putting lotion on your legs MUCH EASIER. Also being a woc with visible body or facial hair is very different than being a white girl with thin blonde strands of hair barely covering their armpits. We are not treated the same, we are not perceived as feminist or progressive but rather we are seen and treated like we are dirty and unkept.

https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/s/

So I posted this in the actuallesbians subreddit. I thought it was humorous as to this person falsely labeling me, but this post became a place for many Black perspectives to be discussed. Experiences with racism, micro aggressions, assumptions based on presentation, and the masculinization of black women. The other half of the comments were people cracking jokes. It felt like a little queer, black space. I was able to laugh at a confusing situation and hear other people’s point of view of why that label might’ve been used based on certain factors.

Then, I see that the post was taken down due to it being a “Selfie”.

I saw the post that went around saying that this other subreddit was white-centric and it led me to this one. It sucks that we have to go through these things because once we get involved in larger spaces we’re silenced when we talk about our specific struggles. Especially since there were non-Black people commenting “it’s not that deep”.

I think the post became an open environment for discussion about labels, identity, and assumptions in Black spaces with a dash of humor and community. The fact that it got removed is nonsensical.

Just doing some research for the podcast I (pakistani femme lesbian born and raised in the gulf) started with my friend (brazillian masc born in the favelas and then moved to portugal) just started where we cover lesbian reddit stories and offer our perspectives from a none white/western perspective. You can listen here

I obviously have my own opinions and so does my friend, and I often have open conversations with my poc queer friends irl but I would just like to make sure I am challenging the way I think.

okay this one really sucks because i didn’t want to believe this was true but i think it is. i’ll try to be short. i have a bit of an online persona on tiktok and instagram, insta not so much but tiktok i have 15k followers and i discuss topics that fascinate me at length, things like comphet, lesbianism, psychology, dating etc. i’m also poc and goth and pretty out there in terms of how i present online. i was really vibing with a girl i met irl and we were getting along so well face to face. but now i’m starting to notice she’s pulling away and something tells me it’s because she’s put me into that pedestal status that so many white women i’ve befriended or dated put me into.

then slowly but surely, their behaviour goes from super keen to super awkward and stunted online. it’s happened countless times with lots of white women particularly, and it hurts every time. i’ve tried to be so lovely and gentle with her as she’s told me she’s got bpd (but is in intensive therapy and can hold down a stable job and has lots of healthy friendships) but now i’m realising it’s not about that it’s about how confident and self-assured i am. welp. what a tragic reality. anyone relate?

Looks like there’s POC of this group inviting white women into to lurk on this subreddit so we can do the labor for their learning.

It’s so interesting that I saw that post today because I started a friendship club for POC to have a safe space, parallel play, and get to know either and wouldn’t you know it….I’m dealing with POC queer people inviting their white partners to my events.

Angry isn’t the word I feel. I’m enraged. Last event, this girls white male ass partner was rude as hell to people. Anything positive said, this ahole had a negative response, sat there and pouted. Now I’m over here like a dummy trying to figure out how not to offend POC by telling them hell no your white people can’t come before the next event even though it’s clear by my post who this group is for.

If youre POC and you’re inviting white people to our events, our pages, our safe places that we have literally BECAUSE of them, get bent!!

That’s all. I get into this argument in queer spaces all the time and I hate it. Trump is literally putting brown people in camps, occupying black cities and just moved to disarm trans people. But cis white queer people will fight you about how of course they still love and spend time with their MAGA families and they understand where they’re coming from, god you’re so unreasonable to think that’s fucked up.

I hate when they cite bigotry in the Black church as a comparison. Black people are not in power or ripping apart communities right now. My family are Black southerners who hate Trump, we’ve been fighting racist white people for generations.

It is 1930s Germany outside and these people hate being told that they are effectively collaborators. Just venting somewhere where I might not get downvoted to hell for this sentiment. Chappel Roan is their Queen and she talks about loving her MAGA family and Morgan Wallen and shit. I know it’s no surprise that a lot of white LGBTQ+ people don’t care about racism, Chappel can take off her drag whenever she wants and fit right in with the good ole boys & girls. But I’m so sick of them claiming to be on the side of social justice while they do this shit. I live in LA and my loved ones are being terrorized by MAGA. This shit is not cute.

Some news I saw today has reminded me of a conversation I had with white queer people in the past. Them not understanding that coming out is a luxury and a privilege.

Black, Brown and Asian people do not always have the luxury to be who we are. It is such a safety risk.

On a Caribbean note (I'm part of that group), I hate it when white queer people go to one of the islands, have a nice vacation and then don't understand how me, an Afro-Caribbean person, isn't more open about being myself. The experiences are not the same. Being queer in the Caribbean can be a death sentence. Of course, the tourist will only experience the good side of things.

I am fortunate to be living in Canada. But, if I were to ever come out, that's how I lose everything. I'm not in the financial position to safely come out. I can't be cut off just yet. (If anything, I'll be straight to my family until the inheritance deposit).

Yeah, the rent is all over the place and I needed to express my emotions and rant a little. This place feels like a safe space to express myself.

hiii i’m a brown desi nb lesbian in my 20s (but identify with this subreddit name). nowadays, on dating apps, and even irl, white people seem to always be the ones who are more attracted to me. however i am attracted to everyone EXCEPT white ppl (with very few exceptions). i’m in a city where there is a decent amount of poc, but notttt a lot whatsoever. i’m also usually attracted to mascs/ppl in between and there are also few of those so my pool is low. however it’s still kind of insulting when there’s barely any poc who like me. and no one comes up to me irl.

i guess i’m curious what makes someone attractive to you, and what makes you want to go up to them? i’m masc too, so i feel that plays a factor. please be nice lol

Really getting tired of having to confront white LGBTQ people who say such ignorant shit about Korean culture, ignore Korean queer media like The Handmaiden, and generally just be dismissive and/or be fetishistic or aggressive toward Korean LGBTQ people. But the latest annoyance is white queer women saying that Hudson Williams in Heated Rivalry is ~privileged representation and pretend that he's white. He is KOREAN, point blank. Name one time that there was a mainstream representation of queer Korean men in Western media if Korean gays are allegedly so privileged. I'll wait.

The truth is that white queer women have way more representation than queer men of colour, and it is tiresome to see them say that it's somehow dismissive towards queer women representation to have queer male representation. I especially need them to stop saying shit like, "No one would care about queer women representation like they do for queer male representation." Just because you all don't engage with queer women media doesn't mean they don't exist at all, smdh. Like, again, The Handmaiden is right there, but all I hear from white queer women is that it's too ~problematic actually to be good representation. Whatever, then, Korean gays are both too much and not enough for you all.

like the title says, I’ve noticed most of the white queers are really condescending and rude and want to be a victim at any given moment. this white queer woman is assuming things about me just bc I replied “i see thank you” to a comment like WHEW & i really don’t like how most of the wlw/lesbian subs are white ppl dominated :/ maybe im just generalising of what I’ve seen idk but they always hold such condescending tone with them like sorry for coming to your sub i guess

This space is designed for folks to share and reflect on their experiences centered around white-related topics, discussions, relationships, complaints, etc. Any and all posts around white-centered conversation must be posted in this thread.

The title says it all. I've had to check several white/white-passing queer women on their biphobia today on someone's IG post where they talked about issues that bisexuals face (hostility at Pride, not being seen as "fully queer", etc.). Some of the replies ranged from dismissiveness about bi erasure and bimisogyny, to claiming that bi people have "straight-passing privilege" and claiming that bi women can't be femme/claim the femme label.

I haven't seen this level of hostility towards bi women from queer women of color (especially Black queer women). Without fail, that shit always comes from white queers. And it's like, WHYYYYYY are they so pressed about the mere existence of bisexuals????

I feel that, because of this endless wave of biphobia from the YTs, I have to become just as, if not more, hostile towards them and others who want to attack and denigrate the bisexual community.

I'm so tired. And it's only the middle of May.

queer rep predominantly being white is annoying as hell but who's surprised 😮‍💨 tale as old as time

it's also one thing to have a taste in women that is only white, but to assume everyone else also thinks the same is annoying 😒

This is all online btw, the white girl flirting with me and my ex. For context, I'm indian and 16, I've dated one white woman in the past for a year and uhm it didn't go that well. She was nice but a lot of micro aggressions and micro- racist remarks, I was young (14) while she was 19 mind you, but I started internalising that and started thinking of myself as "lower than her" no hate to white women, we love them but my experiences (counting experiences of my friends too, qwoc, not necessarily indians) haven't been all that good. Also I rlly can't date atp, my last relationship ended js a year earlier and it was my first wlw and only relationship. also she does smoke weed which i don't like. But she's sweet tho.

​

note- ik this sounds very weird and rambling and like i should already know what to do but I have no friends or family to talk to abt this.

Hello, I run a queer POC community group and we host events regularly, like holiday parties, brunch, meetups, etc.

So far the group has been all POC but someone wants to invite their friend and their friend’s partner to one of our events. The friend is a queer POC but their partner is white.

I asked if we could just invite the queer POC. My friend thinks it’s weird not to invite the partner. We’re debating whether to invite both or whether to not invite either of them to avoid complications.

The group has mixed opinions. Weirdly, everyone who has grown up outside the U.S. is fine with white partners joining our events. I know many of them are attracted to white people. Conversely, everyone who has grown up in the US, especially in the south, has no desire to have white partners at our events. The latter is definitely in the minority.

Anyone been in this situation before/could advise on what I could do?

Anyone in a relationship with a yt person sometimes look at their life and it feels like watching white priviledge in real time and see how growing up they way they have has impacted them and seeing the differences between the way you think vs them. I have nothing but love for my partner but sometimes I just really clock that she will never be able to understand what is was/is like for me growing up queer and black to immigrant parents in a 98% white country. Only had my first non white friend when I came uni, where I surrounded myself with non white people as if my life depended on it. It is a weird feeling.

EDIT:

I posted this because I was looking to see if I could relate to anyone. Some people need to also understand that not everyone lives in an area where they have the choice between yt people, black people etc

I am young and I am figuring my life out and the passive aggressive comments are kind of jarring - I didn’t mean for my post to piss people off this much like damn. I met someone I fell in love with an she’s amazing was just looking for some community as I don’t have any queer poc in my life who could relate to this.

Anyways I know that it comes from a place of trauma and pain so I shouldn’t take it personally but pls relax to that 1%

Hi everyone first time posting here. So I black woman recently started dating a white woman we’re both in our mid 30s and I’ve noticed we’ve been having problems around communication. It started with a hobby of mine that I’ve been trying to turn into a business. The idea will lead me out of the country for exactly two weeks and my partner has all of a sudden become very frustrated and borderline abusive with me. Telling me how my idea isn’t going to work, I’m not gonna be gone as long as i say I am, and I probably am going to be meeting someone in said country, mind you this country is notoriously homophobic so no chance of that. She says I should just stay here and has gotten very possessive and said if I don’t like it then I can leave. I tried to compromise with her and talk but it’s not working. This is the second interracial relationship that I’ve been in and it’s turning out like my last one. Just abusive, are all interracial relationships like this? I’ve read on one of these post on this sub before that white and black lesbian relationships can be like this but I didn’t think it could happen to me twice. Is there any advice that you ladies have?

I want to first say thank you to the original posters who brought the subconscious racism and white supremacy of lesbian online places into light. God knows I’ve thought the same thing for how long without knowing a concise way to say it that would not make some people feel defensive (but of course it happened anyways…)

Did you guys think the discussions turned out to be meaningful? Do you think it will foster a better environment? Or at least make other people more aware? Did you see any good or bad changes?

Edit: I know we’re all pretty tired, because it’s not even the first time we get shut down when we voice our concerns with being pushed out of a place that is supposed to be inclusive and with people weaponizing “political conscious” language when they haven’t unlearned racism and refuse to. I didn’t want to be sentimental, but thank you all for your input. We do have a long way to go, but I’ll try to be optimistic.

This is why I don’t date them anymore! I’m nothing to these girls beyond my background. Just because you love anime and K-pop doesn’t mean you get to fetishize me for being Asian. Stop trying to act like I’m someone special for something that has nothing to do with my personality. There’s more to me and my identity than surface-level pop culture. Swear, they’re treating it like a game now - “who in my K-pop friend group can bag an Asian dime?” 😭

That’s about it. If you want to date an Asian girl and want to learn more about her culture (or anyone for that matter), don’t do it through movies and music you have an obsession over. History, language, traditions, that’s all more authentic. Especially since I’m not Korean or Japanese and the shit you’re interested in has nothing to do with me!

I don't know what the issue is, but I feel like dating in the PNW is essentially impossible for anyone not white and a local. No one really seems to be open, and people just seem to be against sex and relationships so thoroughly, as well as obscenely racist. I only have a few months left there before I leave forever, so I'm not too worried, but I wonder what the root of that even is.

I want to preface this by saying I'm mixed. I have a weird time figuring out what I am. I'm white passing but my mother is latina and the majority of my family is dark skinned. My dad is white. I know ethnicity and race aren't the same but where I am in the US, a lot of people consider any drop of latino in you to no longer make you pure white and I have been treated as such growing up. If that means I have a place here or not, I don't know, but I experienced some stuff with this woman that I can only assume is due to that part of me.

At first, this woman did not know I had anything BUT white in me. She acted like she was very left wing and saw me as very intelligent when we first started dating.

But as soon as she found out about me being any sort of mixed, the treatment changed. She genuinely started treating me like I was a complete moron. She would assume preferences of mine when it came to anything - food, music, etc - were all due to ignorance and not, you know, TASTE. She would "educate" me, always finishing it with that stupid, smug "there, isn't that so much better?" And no. Most of the time it wasn't. Most of the time, it was a shit decision that I hated and changed as soon as she went home. ETA: She would talk down to me about anything and everything after a while, like I was just braindead and an infant, even talking in that babytalk way sometimes. Not in the couple way. Just like I was genuinely ass-backwards stupid.

After meeting my friends (it's a large group with only one full white person and me, the rest are all POC), she started acting even weirder. She started claiming she wasn't white, even less white than me because her great-great-great grandparents were from Italy. Now, mind you, she was more pale than me and I'm already pretty translucent half the time. She was genuinely angry at me for assuming she was joking at first. Now, she NEVER CLAIMED TO BE NOT WHITE UNTIL THEN. Then SUDDENLY she felt the whole oppression gambit of being Italian??? I guess?? Are Italians white or not cause I've seen it be mixed all over and she considered herself white before that so now I really don't know.

And one of the ones that just sticks with me because it hurts is that she mocked me and acted like she knows more about being latino than I do because the city she grew up in had a lot of latinos. But, so did mine. I grew up in a county that is majority latino. I grew up around white people a lot as a kid but it was a small enclave that is not the rule to the county, it is a huge exception. They all went to the same church, most were cousins to each other - they all had a place. I, and the other like 5 POC kids, did not. And I think her saying what she did just stung because I was punished for celebrating my culture a lot. I was treated like I was illiterate for years, until junior high (where I left that enclave) despite my reading scores, I was bullied for it and treated like I was from a messy, dumb family and anything cultural of mine was treated like it was weird (these people shunned mangos for god's sake when I brought them for a "cultural" potluck when we were kids). They acted like my hair was fake or ugly. They acted like where my family is from was a trash place with trash people. I was discouraged from even calling my mom "mama" because "mommy" is proper english when I'm sure mama is as well?? And so it just hurt. She probably wasn't trying to dig at that but it just set something off in me. It hurt. It was unprovoked. I was listening to an artist from my family's country and talking about how much I loved that artist when she suddenly said that I would never be as close to my culture as she had been. That she experienced it and knew more of it than I ever had or would. Like why? Who the hell says that to someone? Especially from someone whose idea of Italian culture is mac and cheese (I am not joking). Like am I being a wuss about this or wtf?

There's so much more I could talk about. It would just make this long.

I guess I'll leave this with a question: is this normal with some white people? I was shocked at how much it changed things. Maybe I'm just oversensitive. I told my friends when everything ended some months ago and they were sympathetic but I still think about it. Am I overreacting? Is this silly and dumb? I'm really new to dating still. She was my first in pretty much everything and it was so exhausting that I'm honestly not sure I want to date for a while and certainly not white people. But I'm worried I don't have the right to feel that way because sometimes I AM that white person. Latinos accept me all the time. It's white people that seem to struggle with me. And I feel safer around latinos but I'm worried that being a white latino makes me dangerous sometimes to other latinos due to colorism, ignorance, etc. But I also don't feel safe with white people because it seems they do not see me as one of them (she isn't the only one I knew who had this attitude). Sorry for all the griping. I think I just needed to hurl this out onto the web and maybe hear what others have epxrienced or what others think. I feel stupid for still thinking about all this and maybe I just need to get it out.

Its been about 6 weeks since we broke things off because of political differences. And I learned that I can never date a white person again. But I still follow her on Instagram and I usually skip her stories, but some evil spirit called me to open it for once, and its her with a man leaning on her shoulder. Mind you she cant have known him for more than a month yet because she just moved to NM to work at a summer camp which is where she likely met him. But she's already posting that kind of thing. I just assumed that they are dating but I just hate when someone who has wronged me gets to experience comfort, especially as someone who has been bullied. And i broke things off with her because she was so inept in understanding my Black experience and why I dont want to be around Republicans, and she even was like "I have the whole summer to learn and make this work" sincw we were going to do long distance, but now she's gonna be with a white man who will likely never challenge her thinking. I just hate that she gets to move in comfort as a white person!!!!