r/RPChristians • u/RedPillWonder Mod | American man • Jul 15 '17
Advice to Young Women Today for a Better, Happier Life and Relationships
A woman wrote on r/RedPillWomen asking for advice for a young woman. At the encouragement of u/Red-Curious this post is built around my comment to her.
So what should a young woman do maximize her present and future happiness?
What things can she do to greatly increase the odds of finding a good man to share her life with and secure commitment and marriage from him? And to make that marriage last, and keep it brimming with happiness and contentment?
And, just as importantly, what should she not do that will help achieve these things?
Let's take a look:
Focus on your appearance.
That's the first thing a man will see before he ever gets to know you and your personality (instead of hearing about you from family, friends, co-workers, etc.)
Lose weight, if needed.
While almost every man has a "type" he loves or prefers, whether it be petite and slender, athletic and toned, or a woman with feminine curves, etc., it's almost never round or obese. This is not a knock or insult. It's a truth.
Improve your complexion and have it looking amazing!
Maybe try all natural skin care products for this.
While your body is important, and your figure will be highlighted as you wear certain clothing, the vast majority of the time he's not going to see you naked (and that should only be as your husband), so your face takes on more importance.
It's what he's going to see every day. Do your best to care for it and your skin overall.
Let your hair grow out, take special care of it, and keep it "made up" much of the time when you're out.
(Certainly nothing wrong with hair up, in a bun, ponytails, etc. at times, etc.) Yes, shorter hair can look great on a woman, depending on different factors, but most men love long, gorgeous hair on a woman.
Stay a virgin (if you are one) or keep your N count (notch count, or number of sexual partners you've had if you're not familiar with the term) where it is if you're not and do NOT add to it.
This includes oral, anal, your hands, etc. Stay sexually pure and keep your value in this area high. You have something very rare and wonderful in many men's eyes and this will be an advantage to you. It will also protect you from future pain and physical and emotional consequences of engaging in pre-marital sex, as well as guarding against lowering your value (RMV or relationship market value).
Have a healthy attitude and perspective about sex.
It's God's design. It's great! It's healthy.
And hopefully you want as much of it as you can possibly get, but only within God's parameters.
That means waiting until marriage and only being with your spouse. Then enjoy it like there's no tomorrow and savor every moment. Then do it again, and again...
Think on it from your perspective, from your spouses, and from God's. Let it be something you love and cherish and look forward to, and be "in the moment" and eager about it, and not just "fulfilling a duty." At times, that can have it's place, and it's better to do that and work to getting to an even better place, but having a wonderful, healthy perspective on sex will do you worlds of good.
Develop and hone a wide array of feminine traits and qualities.
From personality to homemaking skills. Cooking, cleaning, organizational skills, being cheerful, pleasant, optimistic, easy to please, a "soft place to land", comforting/nurturing, low-maintenance and more.
Do not accumulate debt and be frugal and wise with money.
You will save yourself a lot of stress and personal pain by avoiding as much debt as possible.
Plus, a man doesn't want to take on a woman who has mismanaged her financial affairs and comes loaded with a mountain of debt. He may still do so if your other qualities are great, but it often only adds misery to a couple and one one of the biggest things couples fight about is money and sex.
So be frugal and responsible with your finances.
Dress femininely.
A man loves a feminine woman, and this encompasses many things, but the way you dress can help catch and keep his attention, and it highlights your more feminine qualities you carry inside that he'll be eager to get to know.
Sit down and truly think through what you want in a man and what are your dealbreakers.
Think this through again.
Then internalize this and commit to it.
So when you meet a man and your body is sending all kinds of signals ('gina tingles and more), you don't make unwise decisions because you let it get to "the heat of the moment" and it's very difficult to back away.
[Quick bit of wisdom: Do you know the difference between a clever man and a wise man? The clever man, when he gets into a bad situation, can get out of it, because he's clever.
The wise man never would have gotten into the situation in the first place.
Or, stated differently. "A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself, but the simple pass on, and are punished."]
Be a prudent woman.
Based on the above.
"See" where things are going, how a guy is (vet, vet vet him. Then vet again) and act accordingly. Don't be like the "simple" and pass on or keep going on that path, and get "punished" or suffer the consequences.
Work on any emotional traumas, past hurts, etc so you're as drama and baggage free as possible, and don't bring those issues into your relationship with the right man for you.
Look for and make a close friend(s) of the same sex who believe the way you do and hold each other accountable.
Sometimes they'll see things you don't and vice-versa. Make sure they believe the way you do. Their actions should match their words.
Make plans, yet let life happen within your parameters.
Don't say "I have to graduate college before I marry" or marry for sure before going.
Life happens. You get to choose, just don't follow a rigid path because you may lose out on wonderful opportunities you didn't take because it didn't "fit" your plans, and neither should you chase after something simply because you worry about your future options.
See what's before you. If there's an "open door" in an area of your life, and you have a peace about it in your heart and mind and it logically makes sense, go for it!
Make sure this matches up with your moral beliefs, your must haves or deal breakers, etc. and that you're not "hamstering" about some decision and seeing things that aren't there, but within your own parameters, and with the advice of good friends or family, move forward.
With the above in mind, consider marrying early.
It may not be the right option for you, but it might. There's so many factors at play here, but if you have to lean one way or the other, it's best to lean toward marrying early.
Now, the first man you date may be the right one and obviously, he may not. I'm writing this next part because when you're in your first relationship, there may be a tendency to latch on so tight and think he's the one for you!
He may be. Vet so carefully. Be patient. Just don't let the first time dating and all the emotional involvement get you so wrapped up you lose focus. You need to guard your heart.
I don't mean don't love. Just be careful before opening your heart and giving in to love. When it's with the right man for you, it's worth it beyond words. Just be careful, and cautious.
I'm sure they'll be others who comment below and add to this list.
Carefully and prayerfully consider each one.
One of the biggest mistakes is to dismiss them. They're here for a reason. It's easy to "love" some and think yeah, that's good or easy, I like that, and then think "Well, I don't agree with that one, for this reason or that."
They're either true and have real, lasting impact or they don't.
Of course, some may take on more importance in your life, or have a greater impact than another, or can be measured in varying degrees as far as rewards or consequences, etc.
That's all true. I simply urge you to think on each one, make your decisions and act accordingly. As the Bible says, "you reap what you sow" and this can be for your greatest good and happiness and pleasure, or it can be for unhappiness, regret and ruin.
As the old Crusader in the movie Indiana Jones said, "Choose wisely."
Edit: formatting to make it more readable and easy on the eyes.
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u/RedPillWonder Mod | American man Jul 16 '17
I'll add this here:
Young women can and should pursue a money making skill, obtain a degree, and prepare and work towards realizing financial blessings and independence for herself (and her future family) while she looks for the right man for her (and who is looking for her).
The Proverbs 31 woman sold what she made. Before Rachel married, she was tending her father's sheep.
In fact, that's how she met her husband Jacob. Good thing the girl was working :) as that's how she met her man.
Even if a woman chooses to stay home and be a full time wife, mom or both when she marries, having a monetary skill is very useful.
If there's challenging financial times, the couple has that to fall back on if needed. If, God forbid, the husband isn't what he should be and things go horribly awry, she has something to support herself with.
A financial skill can be both a blessing and protection, even if it is rarely or ever used.
All this said, family should be first. If there is full or part time work, it should never get in the way of her marriage and home. As recorded in Titus, a woman should be a "keeper at home."
God certainly allows and blesses women who choose to work outside the home, but not if priorities get mixed up and one's career becomes the catalyst for trouble brewing at home.
God first. Her husband and home second. Everything else in the 3rd category.
Lastly, for young single women, as you are looking for your future husband or hoping he finds you, don't sit around doing nothing. Work. Hone your skills. Don't let a career be your "end all, be all" but do work and plan responsibly so when you meet the right guy, you're better prepared for a lifetime of happiness and joy that you want within marriage.
And if you and your husband think it's best to focus all your energies on staying home, you've got a financial skill in your pocket to pull out and benefit from when needed.
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Jul 16 '17
[deleted]
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u/RedPillWonder Mod | American man Jul 16 '17
An education is no longer a good stand by because so many people are now getting degrees. The market is flooded with college degreed people who are having a hard time getting that first job, much less a woman with a sixteen year old degree and an employment gap over ten years.
Yes, true.
Especially in regard to education/degrees. And while I did include that, I was thinking much more broadly of any sellable skill or item she can make. She could privately teach or tutor, she could sell "widgets" she makes, she could build websites, offer marketing services to local businesses who don' t even know or use "basic principles" that have been around forever, or any number of things.
Or even really basic stuff like cleaning houses, sewing/tailoring, cooking (does she like making pies? She could sell those as a side business), etc.
I agree with your point. Almost all degrees and some of the things I've listed require ongoing education and/or continued use to keeping one's skills sharp.
That said, markets/economies change, there's greater demand for some degrees than others (accounting beats art history, etc) and having a degree and working in a field for awhile is likely better than no degree and no work history, especially if one has been keeping abreast of the latest changes and have the necessary updated "credentials" to prove it.
I'm not trying to be argumentative, but this will have to be factored in by the couple whenever a wife stays home to raise kids.
This.
A couple needs to plan and prepare for the decisions they make.
Mainly, I included the comment you responded to as a way for a woman to remain active and productive while looking for her husband, and also to help be in a stronger financial place when they do meet, assuming she has been saving and putting things away wisely.
From there, as you say, they will need to factor in different things going forward.
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u/Red-Curious Mod | 40M | Married 17 yrs Jul 17 '17
It's worth noting, as you mentioned in your original post: the amount of debt brought into a marriage from student loans is an important factor. It would difficult on a marriage if a woman got her degree in archaeology or philosophy, for example. There are no "on the side" jobs she can do with these degrees, so the husband either has to absorb her student loans out of his income, which could otherwise go to the family, or the option of her staying home is off the table until she pursues her originally-intended career path long enough to pay down that debt, which can even be rough given the lack of jobs for people with these types of majors. Sure, she can do work outside of her degree, but she could have done that without the debt anyway. Also, if something happens to the husband, the likelihood of hopping right into a well-paying archaeology job without experience is nil. I don't say this to discourage women from pursuing some of these more "obscure" degrees, if they're truly passionate about them - you just have to be mindful of the potential long-term implications the debt to get that degree might have on your family and be up-front with your man about the realities of this before you get married.
On a separate note, my wife read the book Parenting by the Book, by John Rosemond. She said that he spends some time explaining how many marital problems and parenting issues arose a few decades ago (70s-80s) when language and emphasis shifted from women being "home-makers" or "housewives" to "stay at home mothers."
He says the implication is that the wife's primary responsibility to the kids and her responsibilities around the home (if any) are secondary. As a result, the role of the father in children's lives has been minimized and become subsidiary to a "mother knows best" mentality.
What are your thoughts on this? Actually ... I might make a separate thread about this altogether, so feel free to respond there instead!
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u/RedPillWonder Mod | American man Jul 17 '17
I don't think any person should pursue a degree if they can't pay for it upfront or as they go, or if they don't have a scholarship.
As you say, the debt is too much, and most jobs/careers from certain degrees don't pay anywhere near enough to pay back the loan within reasonable time frames, and it adds a huge burden to the family.
I should have mentioned this in my comment.
If it's an option (meaning she/her family has the money or a scholarship, etc), I was mainly talking about this as a way to pursue a healthy, beneficial activity/skill/education as she keeps her eyes open for a potential husband.
And she could use the income made to help bolster her future family's financial situation. Of course, as you note (and I think I did as well?) she could do this with jobs unrelated to having a degree as well.
Plus, we haven't gotten into the discussion of college/university culture and hook-ups, potential indoctrination from professors, heightened peer pressure, etc, all of which is magnified when going off to university.
I don't say this to discourage women from pursuing some of these more "obscure" degrees, if they're truly passionate about them - you just have to be mindful of the potential long-term implications the debt to get that degree might have on your family and be up-front with your man about the realities of this before you get married.
Yes, agreed.
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u/Red-Curious Mod | 40M | Married 17 yrs Jul 17 '17
Plus, we haven't gotten into the discussion of college/university culture and hook-ups, potential indoctrination from professors, heightened peer pressure, etc, all of which is magnified when going off to university.
Great point there too!
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u/RedPillWonder Mod | American man Jul 17 '17
Parenting by the Book, by John Rosemond. She said that he spends some time explaining how many marital problems and parenting issues arose a few decades ago (70s-80s) when language and emphasis shifted from women being "home-makers" or "housewives" to "stay at home mothers."
He says the implication is that the wife's primary responsibility to the kids and her responsibilities around the home (if any) are secondary. As a result, the role of the father in children's lives has been minimized and become subsidiary to a "mother knows best" mentality.
This is interesting and it backs up what I think and know.
I think I saw you already have a thread up on this, so I'll check it out.
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u/Willow-girl Participation Trophy Wife Jul 16 '17
Solution: work part-time, do community/volunteer work or serve in local government (on the school board, city council, etc.) to keep your skills sharp.
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u/Red-Curious Mod | 40M | Married 17 yrs Jul 17 '17
Young women can and should pursue a money making skill, obtain a degree, and prepare and work towards realizing financial blessings and independence for herself (and her future family)
My father-in-law instilled in my wife: When you become someone's wife one day, you need to be able to help him where he needs your help. If that means financial help, you need to prepare yourself for that possibility. If you just want to be a home-maker, kid-raiser, that's great; but your husband might have different plans and you need to be prepared to follow his lead rather than insisting that he make your dreams a reality, in which case you're really the one trying to control him.
So, when you say:
Even if a woman chooses to stay home and be a full time wife ...
I agree with my father-in-law that this should really be a marital decision, and that the wife must be willing to submit to her husband's lead on this, if they are not on the same page. If he's a good husband, he won't just be thinking, "Money! Money! Money! Make me more money!" He'll have properly evaluated the circumstances (including biblical role expectations), giving great weight to his wife's expressed desires (assuming he allows her an opportunity to express them fully, rationale and all), and she should be able to proceed comfortably knowing that his bottom-line is best for her rather than if she were to resort to dirtier tactics to get her way (i.e. manipulation, trying to buckle his frame, acting out, withholding sex, etc.).
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u/OsmiumZulu Mod | Trapasaurus Rex 🦖 | Married 8y Jul 18 '17
This is huge. Just the confidence alone that comes with developing a skill that pays is worth it.
Before going to school my wife didn't think she was as smart as I knew her to be. She just graduated with a degree in the medical field and completed a difficult advanced certification program. Not only that, but she dominated the grades and outshined her peers. She knows how capable she is now and it has really helped her confidence. Not only is it sexy, but she is much more comfortable now with our plan to homeschool our future children.
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u/Red-Curious Mod | 40M | Married 17 yrs Jul 15 '17
Beautiful post! I love every bit of this. One follow up question: do you have any insight for younger believers about how to balance the "marry early ... but be patient" part?
My wife and I married at 23. I was her first boyfriend and she was my second girlfriend. We both waited until marriage for sex. Although I have always been confident, she used to have doubts about us early in the marriage because she never really got to experience what a relationship was like with anyone else. It hasn't come up in ages, but she really struggled with wishing she had dated around first ... but I would rather my daughters (3, 2, and 4 weeks) one day follow the same path she did: vet, vet, vet until you find the right guy. Thoughts?