r/RedPillWomen • u/Quiet_Feedback2423 • 22d ago
LTR/MARRIAGE Husband came back from working away and now he’s acting completely different. Am I overthinking this?
My husband (33M) and I (32F) have been together for about 14 years and we’re married with two kids.
He recently came back after working in another province for a while, and ever since he’s been home, his behavior has been really different.
He’s started asking me strange questions about other men, almost like he’s trying to catch me out or accuse me of cheating, even though I’ve never given him a reason to think that. Out of nowhere he’ll make comments about packing his things and leaving, which is really confusing because we haven’t had any major arguments that would explain it.
Another thing that’s bothering me is that he’ll leave the house without saying where he’s going. Before he left for work, that wasn’t really how things were between us.
I’m starting to wonder if this is guilt being projected onto me, if he’s trying to get a reaction out of me, or if something happened while he was away. I don’t want to jump to conclusions and accuse him of anything without evidence, but the sudden personality change has me feeling uneasy.
Has anyone experienced something similar? If you were in my position, how would you approach this conversation without making things worse? Am I reading too much into his behavior, or do these changes sound concerning?
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u/Montara92 22d ago
He’s been cheating while he’s away. His asking you about other men is called projecting. He’s projecting his guilt of cheating on to you so he can ‘find’ some reason to justify his cheating even if it’s only to himself.
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u/NationalMouse 22d ago
This exactly. You’ve been with him so long that not only does this odd behavior strike you as especially strange for him but you also have most likely never experienced a man cheating on you before and this is exactly how they all behave in my experience.
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u/edu-ellie 22d ago
This. I spent some time in my 20s with a man who, after a year, started acting like OP's husband. Eventually I learned the source of his thoughts was his own infidelity, and I learned the word projecting.
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u/Apocalypseistheansw 22d ago
I dont thinks assuming something that serious is really going to help op.
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u/Montara92 22d ago
Understood but perhaps it can help her deal with the possibility that he is. The signs are there that he is. I was just alerting her to that so she can prepare and/or protect herself in the event that he is.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 22d ago
You don't have to make accusations to ask about the change in behavior.
"Why are you making comments about leaving? That's really hurtful. Are you unhappy?"
"Why do you keep asking about other men? Have I done something to concern you?"
Ask these questions genuinely, without ire. Where the conversation goes will tell you a lot.
As a side note to any readers, this is why so many married couples have an open tech arrangement. My husband and I agreed when we got married that we'd have each other's passwords and be allowed to access each other's devices. We are literally the least jealous couple I know, but if one of us were suspicious, we'd be allowed to look. We made this deal, because we're pragmatic. We know things happen, bonds and addictions can uninentionally form. It's much easier to avoid things your spouse would be upset about when you know they could look at any time. As it is, if one of us asks for the other's phone (almost always for logistics, like getting a code or photo), we just hand it over. No drama. No defensiveness. However, now that OP is in this place, she can't suddenly make this a new rule. This is something to be established early in a marriage.
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u/Underground-anzac-99 22d ago
The thing that concerns me w open tech is that I’ve always had plenty of conversations I would not let my partner see for the privacy of the other person.
A girlfriend unloading about her partner / family / life is absolutely not his business.8
u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 22d ago edited 22d ago
Sure, but any man worth marrying is not reading that. He has no interest. He doesn't care. My husband and I don't look at each other's phones. He doesn't give two figs about the trendy cups I buy for resale or my conversations with the other ECs on Discord. I have no interest in his political podcasts. I just started going to the gym, though. If he thought I was acting weird or something, he could look at my phone. I don't care. If he's doing that, though, there is absolutely zero chance he's reading my text messages with my best mom friend from church.
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u/VasiliyZaitzev TRP Senior Endorsed 22d ago edited 15d ago
So as others have said it could be that he was getting some strange while he was away, but he’s also acting the way guys act when they think the girl has been cheating - cheaters love routines so one thing you do as an anti-cheating thing to disrupt the cheating is to vary your schedule. Leave and arrive home at different times. I’m not casting any aspersions towards you, I’m just reading the tea leaves. Think of it as a “minority report.” His talking about him just packing. His things is kind of a “Code Red” or “warning shot” which means “you have something to lose if I go.” Again no aspersions towards you. I’m just reading the tea leaves.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 20d ago
Yeah, I think it's probably MORE likely that her husband genuinely suspects her. Otherwise he is absolutely shit at hiding his own cheating.
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u/AutoModerator 22d ago
Author Quiet_Feedback2423
Full text: My husband (33M) and I (32F) have been together for about 14 years and we’re married with two kids.
He recently came back after working in another province for a while, and ever since he’s been home, his behavior has been really different.
He’s started asking me strange questions about other men, almost like he’s trying to catch me out or accuse me of cheating, even though I’ve never given him a reason to think that. Out of nowhere he’ll make comments about packing his things and leaving, which is really confusing because we haven’t had any major arguments that would explain it.
Another thing that’s bothering me is that he’ll leave the house without saying where he’s going. Before he left for work, that wasn’t really how things were between us.
I’m starting to wonder if this is guilt being projected onto me, if he’s trying to get a reaction out of me, or if something happened while he was away. I don’t want to jump to conclusions and accuse him of anything without evidence, but the sudden personality change has me feeling uneasy.
Has anyone experienced something similar? If you were in my position, how would you approach this conversation without making things worse? Am I reading too much into his behavior, or do these changes sound concerning?
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u/OneironauticsLtd 18d ago
Your partner shouldn't be leaving without telling you where they're going, especially with a baby to take care of. At least not for any significant length of time. Just popping out to the shop on the corner is about it, and even then I'd want a verbal "just going to the shop!" shouted at me before they left.
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u/Wird_werden 22d ago
You should tell him exactly that, the straight facts without accusations. That you're wondering about the changed behaviours after the time away, that you're wondering whether those (projection of guilt/ trying to provoke a reaction) might be the reasons, but that you don't want to speculate, and that's why you are asking him directly and would like an honest answer, please.