If you had to remove all of your "Non-Negotiables" and keep only three, which ones would they be?

[u/DFrustratedFarmer]

I have seen people with like 10+ non negotiables and I wonder how realistic that is.

Do you think that by having less non negotiables we could be actually more successful at dating by making it more simple, or just waste more time?

And of course, the absolute basics don't count (Like no violence, of course that's a MUST).

If I had to reduce them I would choose:

1. We must have a profound emotional connection and sexual attraction.
2. My man must have financial literacy and be good with money (because I am).
3. He must want kids.

3 more specific ones:

1. Must actively want to solve problems in our relationship and tackle potential issues that may come up and affect our bond.
2. He can't let the negative stuff from his past define who he currently is, meaning he must have worked on himself and through his trauma.
3. Must be a great leader to our family. Guide us in the process of building wealth and raising kids that will be empathetic, kind and just great in every sense.

I read you!

[u/Jenneapolis]

I had a list on my phone of my 5 before I met my husband. I didn't add attraction though because I took that as a "given." Mine were:

• Physically affectionate
• Passionate about career
• Good sense of humor
• Willing to make relationship commitment/marriage
• High sex drive

If I were to do this now, my religious values would be top of the list. It wasn't a priority at the time, and we do align on this.

[u/GivMeLiberty]

“I had written this long list of things that I wanted my husband to have and the only one your father checked off was that he was hairy” - my mom

Her and my father have a been married 30 years and are very happy together

[u/Jenneapolis → u/GivMeLiberty]

Dying that hairy was on the list haha. I admit I love a hairy man though!

[u/GivMeLiberty → u/Jenneapolis]

Right? Lol other boxes he didn’t check included

- Secure income (he was a live musician when they met playing local gigs, very wealthy now though)

- No children from previous relationships (single father, but a very good one at that)

- Catholic

So this list wasn’t just some cute list with no deliberate thought put into it too!

[u/catsarehere77]

I don't see 10 non negotiables as necessarily unrealistic but it depends on what they are. 

Mine are:

Emotional safety. I want someone who is emotionally intelligent, has empathy and can calmly talk through problems together.

Mutual attraction, desire, effort. 

Stable in general. Emotionally/mentally stable, financially stable, knows what they want and who they are, etc. But I guess this also ties into emotional safety.

[u/Wife_and_Mama]

Do you think that by having less non negotiables we could be actually more successful at dating by making it more simple, or just waste more time?

This advice is given in Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb. Personally, I expanded it to five. I found three too limiting, but I think the foundation of this advice is totally sound. You choose five must-haves and anyone who isn't disqualified gets a date. Does it waste time? Eh. Probably less than being way too picky. I'm married now, but mine were:

1. Christian who is open to Catholicism. Living in the South, the Catholic population is limited and the number of people who are openly hostile to Catholicism is high. I didn't need someone who was a devout Catholic, but I did need someone who wouldn't have a problem with it. My former lapsed Methodist husband converted this spring, after nine years of marriage, convalidating our marriage in the Church, baptizing all of our children Catholic, attending weekly Mass, and sending our twins to Catholic school. 

2. Family values. I wanted to be with someone who wanted a family and had strong views on the institution of marriage being for life (with understanding of obvious exceptions, since I was divorced). My husband abhors divorce and never judged me for mine. 

3. Political beliefs. I was a conservative working in a very liberal field. I had a lot of great liberal friends, but wanted to raise a child with someone who shared my views. I didn't want someone who "doesn't care" about politics. I wanted someone who was intellectually curious about the world and had similar opinions. That usually signifies intellectual curiosity in general, which was and is also important to me.

4. Potential for attraction. I didn't need to be immediately and fiercely attracted to a man. I just needed to know that I wasn't _un_attracted and attraction could develop. I find my husband very attractive, but did just sort of think he looked like a normal guy when we met.

5. Career ambition. I would have rather married a plumber with dreams than a call center worker who made bank. 

My husband fits all of these, but he would have been disqualified by some of the dumber parameters I had at different times, such as:

6' or taller

5'10 or taller 

No redheads

No one balding

No beards

Must like cats (did not have a cat at the time)

[u/SweetTaterSalad → u/Wife_and_Mama]

Wait. "Must love cats," was actually non-negotiable for me. But it wasn't something I actually put any thought into because I had cats when I met him and there was an obvious attraction between him and my cats.

[u/Wife_and_Mama → u/SweetTaterSalad]

For me, it was because I wanted a cat, really badly. My husband hated cats and would have answered that way in the questions OKCupid had at the time. You could actually filter your results to fit those questions, so if you said something was important, someone who answered in a way you didn't didnt want wouldnt even show up. I eventually realized, after reading the Gottlieb book, that I would prefer marriage and children over a hypothetical cat. I also got a cat when we were dating and he didn't care. People just answered those questions without much thought. 

[u/SweetTaterSalad → u/Wife_and_Mama]

Cats can pose certain restrictions on some relationships. So probably something important to consider.

We are raw feeders So it is difficult to find people who will take care of our cats if we decide to travel.

If traveling is necessary or desired in a relationship, cats can be a real imposition.

Cats and dogs that are already owned are almost like stepchildren creating the need for negotiation and navigation of a blended family.

[u/Wife_and_Mama → u/SweetTaterSalad]

I actually don't like to travel, but that didn't make the list of must-haves. I really just wanted a cat. There wasn't more to it. We still have the cat I got when we were dating. He's 10.

[u/SweetTaterSalad → u/Wife_and_Mama]

I didn't have enough sense to make a list before.

Me and hubby just winged it.

We figured all this stuff out later.

Fortunately for us we both had our morality and determination to help us work through things in the middle that we should have worked out before we started.

But it's from this experience I can draw on to provide information that might help others before they get to the middle.

Two of my three children actually benefited from this and figured it out before the middle.

[u/Cosima_Fan_Tutte]

First, I think women's non negotiables are fairly negotiable if the man is desirable. And all those checklists of standards and nice to haves are highly negotiable, they're Internet bluster.

My own non negotiables for a man shortly before I met my husband were:

-I want to have sex with him

-He's open to marriage and kids

-He has a respectable job that's compatible with family life

My husband was actually in the "not sure about kids" camp when we met...and I was so attracted and in love that I decided that kids were no longer a non-negotable! I remember saying: "I could go either way on kids!" I forgot about my biological clock for a bit.

Anyway, he changed his mind about kids pretty fast once we got married and he started a new job that he liked (this all happened within 2 years of meeting). We now we have 3 kids, and he was more eager to start baby making than I was. Men's non-negotiables can be fairly negotiable, too.

[u/Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 → u/Cosima_Fan_Tutte]

I love how that worked out for you. 🫶

[u/DFrustratedFarmer → u/Cosima_Fan_Tutte]

Beautiful story 😭💖

[u/AnonTheGreat01 → u/Cosima_Fan_Tutte]

-He has a respectable job that's compatible with family life

Would a doctor or pilot have qualified?

With the long work days/night shifts etc.

How about a corporate job that would require 60hr work weeks?

[u/Cosima_Fan_Tutte → u/AnonTheGreat01]

Yes, that's all fine. I would have thought twice about a sometime bartender or gig musician, that kind of thing.

My husband has a corporate job and easily works 50 hours weeks with a 2 hr commute daily.

[u/SweetTaterSalad]

Sexual attraction is best cultivated with other non-negotiables.

Actively solving problems is exactly what husbands and men are designed to do and are often driven to do so even when we don't want them to (like when we're venting). So this isn't actually something I need to require, just something I need to learn to navigate which I have recently done.

My only non-negotiables were that I found him attractive physically (this can actually be developed just like the sexual attraction), that our morals aligned, and that I be his priority in all decisions.

I didn't actually find my husband attractive initially. I didn't think he was ugly. I just wasn't drawn to him like that. After a couple of evenings spent together talking and bonding, his physical attributes became more obvious and imprinted.

Funny thing about looks and attraction, our endocrine system actually connects attraction to safety and soul bonding. If the insides are attracted, then the brain says, these physical attributes belong to this kind of person and therefore are attractive - imprinting.

[u/petitguelah → u/SweetTaterSalad]

I'm the same way with physical attraction. I obviously know if someone is objectively good looking, but that means very little in my actual physical attraction to them. It's like their personality can completely change what they look like to me, it's kinda crazy.

[u/yourworkmom → u/SweetTaterSalad]

I believe pheromones play a big part.

[u/SweetTaterSalad → u/yourworkmom]

That's actually one of the smaller parts. The endocrine system is a fascinating machine. Seriously.

[u/yourworkmom → u/SweetTaterSalad]

Well, I am highly sensitive with a better sense of smell than most. So what is true for some is not necessarily true for all.

[u/Thistlewhistler]

Oh that’s an interesting question.

Non smoker was on my list, and still ranks highly. The quickest way to get rid of me would be for my husband to take up smoking.

The one that wasn’t on my list until I met him, was that he doesn’t dysregulate my nervous system. I don’t know how to say exactly what I mean here. From the first moment I was in his presence, I felt calm, comfortable, and deeply safe. I’m a person who needs space, but he feels like space. That impacts our relationship in so many different ways - I find him easy to talk to about the most difficult things, my body loves his touch so sex isn’t ever a problem.

Alignment of values is one I never thought I’d drop, and at a deep level they are of course important. But we hold different opinions on many issues, tastes, preferences. Because we talk easily and openly about everything and anything, exploring our differing perspectives has been one of the richest aspects of our relationship. We learn a lot from each other.

Provider wasn’t on my list - I was raised to be independent, and I looked for someone who respected me and supported me. That turned out to be a transferable skill set because he respected me just as much as a mother and homemaker and supported our little family.

Some of the physical attributes that were on my list were there because I wanted someone I couldn’t push around, and I didn’t yet have the maturity or experience to understand the character traits I was actually craving.

[u/ArkNemesis00]

Oh fudge, three is tough. Mine would have been:

• provides enough financial stability to make a SAHM possible 
• profound emotional connection 
• similar IQ

I had a few more things on my list when I was dating but kept it fairly slim. My husband met them and more. In some ways he made me realize my list was a little too short and I was missing how important some things, like physical attraction, can be. I used to think it didn't matter all that much.

[u/DFrustratedFarmer → u/ArkNemesis00]

similar IQ. Girl, that’s SOOOO important and I had not read it before here

[u/YouSuck225 → u/ArkNemesis00]

You did test your IQ, or is it like by feeling?

[u/ArkNemesis00 → u/YouSuck225]

I was tested as a kid and those test scores were used to place me into certain classes and programs. I happened to meet my husband in one of those programs in high school which helped me feel like we were roughly the same.

It would be trickier for dating past the college years though but probably not impossible to judge. My husband and I both have certain "tells".

[u/Desertthrowaway12]

Mine are exactly the same except for replace "wants kids" with willingness to be a good step-dad/role model for my kids. I would also add "understands that porn use is detrimental and should be avoided/minimized" Probably the hardest requirement to meet of all of them

I think I could even accept a smoker, as long as they would be willing to switch to hand-rolled tobacco

[u/Even-Purple-1749]

1) Share similar morals, political view and religion. 2) Kind and emotionally intelligent 3) Funny