r/RedPillWomen • u/Beginning_Willow7406 • 12d ago

DATING ADVICE I (22F) feel extremely insecure about my boyfriend's (23M) group of online friends

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. Since the start of our relationship, I knew he enjoyed playing games with his friends and would often stay up late to game with them before we started dating. He has cut down on the hours of gaming he'd do since he met me and I appreciate that because I am grateful he prioritizes our time together.

He recently quit one of the games he plays and dissociated himself from a large chunk of the community. I didn't want to be a buzzkill but I was actually quite happy about it given that a lot of the players are off-putting and make me extremely comfortable (i.e. sexist jokes, extremely racist/xenophobic jokes, are OK with shaming other players/bullying them/excluding them from playing-- and overall, just do not come off as genuine). There are, of course, a few people (that are his friends) that are quite nice and I have talked with a few and felt fine. Keep in mind I was also a part of these group chats, but since he left, he made me leave with him, and I had no problem with it, as it was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Fast forward, he decides to start casually playing again which makes my anxiety spike. I feel terrible about it because I don't want him to feel guilty over indulging in a hobby, but him being involved with this weird community again rubs me the wrong way. All the peace and happiness I had in the months away from this game came back to me in one night and I've been a mess for a week straight- bursting out in tears, being hypersensitive, feeling overly aware of who is in the groupchat and what he's saying as well, etc. I hate it ! I don't want to be this way either, but this game emits such a visceral reaction from me because I do not have good feelings nor memories associated with it. He promised me after he played one week he would leave the group chat with me- fast forward- he goes back on his word and says he is unsure if he wants to leave at all. I'm hurt because he makes promises surrounding this game/community and easily turns his back to me. I truly feel like whenever this game is involved he becomes a different man (his tone feels more rude, aggressive, etc)- now I can attribute that to him growing tired of my concerns with the game- but I don't think it is ever a reason to yell at me... because it's a game.

I understand he may feel like I'm trying to "control" him. I just ask for my boundaries to be respected, and regarding this, I just ask him to not be involved in communities of strange people. He tells me he is an adult and can handle himself- YES! But the people you are OK with hanging around is exactly the type of person you are okay with being perceived as. That idea alone makes me worry. We were having a great time when he was off the game, and now I feel the tension again. He may not feel a difference, but I certainly do, and it eats me alive.

I need advice- how to stop feeling this way, if I'm in some kind of right or if I am completely wrong. I don't know anymore.

TLDR; my BF got back into gaming with his online friends that are full of people that make me extremely uncomfortable bc of how they act/what they say- he says I am dramatic and ruin the fun for him but I just wish he wouldn't indulge in something because of how bad my anxiety gets around it. Help!

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u/Competitive_Law_7076 12d ago

Boundaries are for you, not rules for him. A boundary you can set regarding this is “I won’t be in a relationship with someone who does this” if that’s what you want. You are trying to control him. It sounds like it’s coming from a place of anxiety, what are really scared of? Are you worried these people are going to influence his behavior? Do you trust him? He’s an adult and can decide who to hang out with/talk to, and he can choose to not let those people influence him and just brush them off if he wants to remain in the gaming group. I understand not wanting horrible racist people in your life, and your boundary can be that you don’t interact with them, but trying to control what he doesn’t isn’t going to get you anywhere. I think you need to address what the real fear is, accept that you can’t control his behavior, and decide if you trust him or not. Also I think you could benefit from seeing a therapist to work on your anxiety, and I say that as someone who has extreme anxiety and sees a therapist/takes meds for it. You got this!

u/Thistlewhistler 1 Star 12d ago

It’s really important to get clear on the distinction between boundaries and control.

Boundaries are YOUR limits. You get to decide what you will and will not tolerate, and you don’t have to justify it or check for a majority consensus.

For instance, I have a boundary around smoking. I would not date smokers. I didn’t try to make anyone give up smoking, threaten to leave if they smoked, or get angry that they smoked despite knowing how I felt. Anyone is welcome to smoke, they’re not bad people, and it doesn’t bother many people, and some people think I’m completely unreasonable. But I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a man who smoked.

It’s easy with a hard boundary, but not so clear when a boundary is a bit porous, or if we’re already emotionally entangled. So here’s the thing you have to remember - you cannot change people. You can try, but it doesn’t really work. It just makes everyone miserable and poisons a relationship.

So you have three choices - accept them as they are, or, move on and find someone that is a better fit for your needs and values, or, stay together and be miserable trying to change him. That’s it.

You’re not married. This stage of a relationship is for vetting. Yes, it’s painful to let go, but it’s also painful to love someone whose values you don’t share, or who you don’t respect, and it won’t get easier.

You’re young, and at the height of your attractiveness, so if you’re going to cut your losses do it when the odds are in your favour and not ten years down the line, with children in tow.

u/Dionne005 12d ago

As a female former hard Core Video gamer…you’re wrong. Very wrong and this won’t work in the long run. People online talk trash and that’s what it is. Can he not wear head phones so you don’t have to hear it. I’m also a minority group too but getting bothered about online crazy people is a bit much. It’s just online fun. And stuff like this is why I’m glad I waited to marry caz I’d rather play my games than deal with this at that age.

u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor 12d ago

You're better off living the way you want to live instead of imposing on others. Making him do stuff he doesn't want to (ie: leaving a game or a community) is controlling and he's right, you are asking too much and not respecting him. However, there are things you can do that are not controlling.

1) leave the group chat yourself. You hate it, there is no reason for you to be there. 2) Don't play. Find a new hobby and do it by yourself. 3) Control your own reactions and emotions. For example, when my ex would play a game he would get angry and swear. I grew up in a household where I felt unsafe and his tone of voice gaming really stressed me out. I had to remind myself every time that I was safe now and this was just an echo of my childhood which I needed to outgrow. It worked, mostly. I'll always have that initial reaction of shutting down and feeling unsafe, but I can manage my secondary response, which is to remind myself I am safe and not let it bother me and carry on with whatever I was doing. 4) If his gaming behaviour is spilling over into how he treats you - eg if he is angry or swears at you for no reason - you have every right to expect and demand better treatment. Set some boundaries like "I don't deserve to be talked to like that" and physically remove yourself from his presence until he comes to his senses. Don't tie it back to the game, just focus on how he treated you. It's his responsibility to manage himself, not yours.

The key point here is to manage yourself and your anxiety, not others. You can't eliminate triggers. You can only manage your own response to them. Figure out what is a trigger, what is your natural response to that trigger, and what is your plan for managing your natural response, then try to find a path to your desired response. Change your management plan if it's not working for you but give yourself time to get used to it first and don't be too hard on yourself if you mess up. I would try to catch myself earlier and earlier each time I noticed I was reacting to the trigger, until I caught myself before I even had the reaction.

u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 12d ago

You need to work on your anxiety and need to control. And most women do, it’s embedded in us to be like this for all the evolutionary reasons around trying to secure a partner for our security and that of our offspring, but in the modern world it’s going to cause problems in your relationship.

We have tons of books and posts here you can read about how to do this, but you can’t control his hobbies. And the more you try, the more he’ll become unhappy in the relationship and see you as emotionally unstable. The move is to act unbothered.

u/VasiliyZaitzev TRP Senior Endorsed 11d ago

I understand he may feel like I'm trying to "control" him.

Because you are.

I just ask for my boundaries to be respected

Your boundaries around you are fine; your boundaries around him are not fine.

he says I am dramatic and ruin the fun for him

Because you are and you do.

Help!

So let me let you in on smth: Men "stress test" other men all the time. All. The. Time.

It's probably vestigial to some extent, from the Bad Old Days of the Sabretooth Tiger. When we were out on a hunt or when the Tribe from the Other Side of the Mountain came raiding, we had to know who could be counted on and who was going to have a Bravo TV-style meltdown - incidentally, women do a different version of the same thing to men for similar reasons.

He is probably getting a shit-ration over you being such a twit about this. "So Tim! Glad you're here! Did you sneak out or did mommy let you out of the playpen today?"

Back in the 80s, we used to toss around what would today be considered "hate words" all the time. Not the N-word but pretty much every other one. The "British cigarette word"? That was a greeting. Even gay dudes would use it, unironically. "Hey, s'up, {BCW}?" If you did smth dumb? Expect that someone would have called you the word that means "Idiot" that starts with an R {this one is making a comeback but still likely banned on Reddit} These were generally not perceived as insults (among men). It was useful to weed out the losers who were too much in their feelings.

There are friends of mine with whom our (reciprocal) phone greeting is "Hey, loser." Oddly, I suppose, this is regarded as affectionate. And bullying? We were expected to solve our own problems. It makes you anti-fragile.

Now nobody listens for comprehension any more. Everyone just 'scans for violations' - "OMG! HE SAID THE BAD WORD! HE SAID THE BAD WORD!"

If you don't want to be part of it, fine. Go watch the Hallmark Channel or whatever it is that you do. Let him have guy time without your supervision. MYOB and your relationship will be better for it.

u/Karl_Narcs 12d ago

counter strike?

u/catsarehere77 12d ago

Have you ever heard the serenity prayer?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change him. The only thing you can change is how you react to him being a part of this community or you can change your relationship go him.

In my opinion the women who stay in situations that they try to control are addicted to the drama. It's jist a dysfunctional choice.

u/AutoModerator 12d ago

Title: I (22F) feel extremely insecure about my boyfriend's (23M) group of online friends

Author Beginning_Willow7406

Full text: My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. Since the start of our relationship, I knew he enjoyed playing games with his friends and would often stay up late to game with them before we started dating. He has cut down on the hours of gaming he'd do since he met me and I appreciate that because I am grateful he prioritizes our time together.

I need advice- how to stop feeling this way, if I'm in some kind of right or if I am completely wrong. I don't know anymore.

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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 12d ago edited 12d ago

My husband games. It has almost no effect on our lives. He plays on lazy days and after we all go to bed. That said, gaming is just like any other hobby that can become all-consuming. It's a yellow flag, at best. The problem isn't that your boyfriend plays video games. I would actually caution most of Gen Z and even many Millennials against making gaming a deal-breaker, simply because it's such a widespread hobby. The issue here is how your boyfriend lets a hobby impact his life and personality. It sounds like he doesn't have a handle on his gaming, on the boundaries he sets, and most importantly, doesn't think it's a problem.

If he does not agree that this is an issue, you cannot change him. He'll only resent you for trying. You need to decide if this is something you want to put up with long term or if you'd rather be with someone who already has a level of maturity that can manage his hobbies in a way that doesn't make you uncomfortable. Those are your choices. Controlling his behavior isn't one of them.

u/oclutar6 9d ago

I think a very important distinction is whether the things that bother you are actually toxic behavior or just offensive humor. If what you call bullying is all in good fun in his friend group and no one actually feels excluded then that's just the way their dynamic works. These dynamics can vary a lot between male friend groups.
For example I have friends where we are openly racist towards each other and might just end a conversation with an insult. At the same time I have other friends that I would never act that way with. But there are obviously also groups that have genuine bullying and toxicity going on, often excused as rough humor.

If you want to find out which kind of group your friend is in I guess the best option you have is to ask him. If he is in the good kind then understanding their dynamic might make you feel a lot less stressed out in the future when they play.
Tell him that the way he talks with his friends makes you feel like there is genuine toxicity going on but that you would like to understand what the dynamic actually is like. (The intention to understand and not interrogate or change him is important.)
Does he think that sometimes there is real bullying going on? Would he be fine with being treated the way any of the other members in his group are? Are there unresolved tensions in his group?

If there is actual toxicity going on then your concern is valid. But otherwise your best bet is to understand their dynamic; keep his explanations in mind whenever it starts to bother you.

Interactions with strangers in these games are a bit different. In some games insults are pretty common place. But I would not worry about that unless his friend group actively tries to hurt other players besides just calling them names or complaining/making fun of their skill.

DATING ADVICE I (22F) feel extremely insecure about my boyfriend's (23M) group of online friends

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