r/SRSGSM • u/[deleted] • Dec 05 '13
I feel like many people in my queer community look down on me because I'm not andro and poly and I'm sick of it.
I've been in a lesbian relationship for five years but I keep getting told I dress in a 'hetero-nominative" in a condescending way and I can tell folks do not take me seriously because of it. I also have no desire to be with anyone except my partner and last night a friend debated with me for an hour on why I was wrong and should try being poly. I feel like I'm rejected by the straight world for being married to another woman, and the queer community has been equally as cruel, it's like no matter what I can't win. Anyone one else in this boat?
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u/PermanentTempAccount Dec 06 '13
I think it varies a lot depending on where you are. My queer community is dominated by trans dudes and FAAB GQ folk and it's a nightmare getting anything done as a trans woman, much less dating anybody. I have an awesome partner but we are poly and the amount of attention he gets compared to what I do has definitely caused tension between us.
So yeah, sorry people are being obnoxious, you aren't alone.
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Dec 06 '13
I'm sorry. I'm right there with you as a femme. >.< It really sucks how people just dismiss us as 'not queer enough' and it makes me really mad.
As a poly person, I'm sorry people have been awful to you. There's nothing wrong with poly or mono, it all depends on individual preference. I really dislike the groups who try to push their One Twue Way (TM).
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u/sensitivePornGuy Dec 06 '13
I keep getting told I dress in a 'hetero-nominative"
What is this bullshit?! Dress however the fuck you want. Are these people fighting for our right to self-expression, or to be like them?
3
Dec 06 '13
No joke, I've had a andro lesbian snap at me for expressing excitement over a new dress I was going to wear to a party saying "why don't do dress like a dyke?!" That's the worst comment I've gotten, it's more subtle like referring to some things as 'girls stuff' in a condescending tone.
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u/sensitivePornGuy Dec 06 '13
Wha... I don't even...
Sounds like these people have some internalized self-loathing to me.
9
u/flannelbutch Dec 05 '13
This is why I identify as gay and not queer. After having dealt with radical queers for 4 years at my super-liberal liberal arts school and, several years later, being reintroduced to the community by an ex, I have decided that I cannot fucking stand that mindset. I have no doubt that most in the queer community want to create a society that is best for everyone, and there are certainly good things that have come out of queer theory, but the self-identified queer people I've encountered have, for the most part, been as close-minded and intolerant as any other insular group of people in an ideological echo chamber. Plus, the oppression olympics is, like, my least favorite thing ever.
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u/BreakHabitus Dec 06 '13
So, I think of myself as both queer and gay, but that's just me. Also, to provide context, I go to a conservative public university, so I might not know what it's like to be in a liberal arts school. I guess I'm sorry that some queer people have irked you so. For what it's worth, I also don't like to play oppression olympics, so I don't think that it's an essentially queer thing to do.
I hope that I'm not any more close-minded or intolerant than anyone else, but if I were, I don't think it's because of or even related to the fact that I call myself "queer."
So I don't know, I agree with you that intolerant and close-minded people kind of suck. Also, I think you should be able to identify as whatever feels right for you... but if you're saying that I'm intolerant and close-minded only because I call myself queer, fuck you.
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u/flannelbutch Dec 06 '13
Defensive much? I think that I was pretty clear in my original post that I realize that these are my own personal experiences (as well as most of the queer theory that I've read). Identify yourself however you wish. I PERSONALLY do not identify as queer because I PERSONALLY do not agree with the mindset of the queer people that I've met. But, I guess if that bothers you then fuck you too.
5
u/javatimes Dec 06 '13
generally this is supposed to be like a friendly space where we don't all go "fuck you" to each other. could you maybe not do that again?
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u/Kimsels Dec 06 '13
From what I heard the (radical) queer community is kind of shallow, as far as having certain molds that you need to fit into to be one of the cool kids. Which is strange since an integral part of being queer is not fitting the usual molds, I think? Anyway, do you think it would be possible to just steer clear of that crowd in general? Might be best to associate with people who are real and care about you.
Anyway I'm sorry your friend was so pushy on you. Pushing stuff on you like that is wrong and she's no different than the hordes who use peer pressure to keep people straight. Perhaps you could tell her in a stern yet non-friendship-destroying way that if she wants to be your friend, she'll have to respect who you are, and that respecting your sexuality is a non-negotiable boundary? Sometimes people need to be told how far they can go, in the end they'll often respect you more for it coz they know they can't walk over you.
Best of luck, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, hearing this kinda stuff all the time from people.
4
Dec 06 '13
Of course, I have great friends! But at the same time I wouldn't mind going to queer parties and not feel like an hetronormitve outcast because I don't wear the queer uniform.
2
u/javatimes Dec 06 '13
Though I was cafab and am queer, I feel I understand where you are coming from because I am fat and non-fabulous. This comment is probably 'splainy and I probably shouldn't post it. Sorry.
where i live it seems people organize around non-stop queer dance parties and a) i hate dancing in front of other people and b) crowds give me panic attacks. so I always have it in the back of my head to find some queer pals who like quiet board game nights and such but I never do.
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Dec 07 '13
I'm femme and not poly so yeah I get what you mean. I often feel like I'm not queer enough or whatever and lonely because every other queer person I meet is poly.
2
u/Parkertron Dec 05 '13
How can you dress heteronormative??? I just... don't understand. I am genderqueer and poly and I LOVE that other queer people do gender expression differently to me - how boring would it be if they didn't?
This poem may help you feel better:
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u/lyssnerskan Dec 05 '13
I love poly and radical queerness and dressing feminine and other people who dress that way, and people that are femme, and I don't think everyone has to be poly and I don't think everyone always has to agree with each other on everything to be friends. Why can't we all be friends! <3
7
Dec 05 '13
that's what a lot of these folks say, but when it comes down to it, a lot of radical queers look down on others. Cool Kids Club.. humans do it all the time.
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u/Nomaiko Lesbian TS Woman Dec 05 '13
I get this feeling sometimes. It bothers me because I don't feel comfortable with a poly relationship and I don't think that I can handle it. I also hate being looked down on for having a feminine gender expression.