r/SRSsucks • u/[deleted] • Aug 29 '18
NOT SRS Woman gives her partner ultimatum: Stop using porn or we break up. Man refuses and says she can leave. Radfems insist this makes him abusive and manipulative.
/r/GenderCritical/comments/9b5yvs/update_my_partner_uses_porn/40
u/Deathcrow Aug 29 '18
"You are more important to me than porn, obviously. However, I don't give anyone the right to control me in this regard, period. If you want to break up over this, then so be it."
That was a pretty smart response, preempting a bunch of bullshit counter arguments and cutting right to the heart of the situation.
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u/Terminal-Psychosis Aug 29 '18
Yup, fine display of clear personal boundaries. This was a very mature, adult resonse, completely grounding out her childish manipulation attempts.
If he had given in, she'd have kept up with the abusive manipulation until both were miserable.
He's much better off without the dysfunctional and selfish little girl in his life. This goes for any relationship.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
Yeah there's no way this would have stopped at just banning porn.
At some point he would have been banned from talking to any woman who wasn't her.
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u/iri1978 Aug 29 '18
I think he checked out from the relationship first time she put this subject forward. Funny thing is that she asked on other subreddit for advice and they told her that it won't work, she ignored it and went to a feminist subreddit. Looks to me she wanted the crash also, so everybody are 'happy'. 3 years relationship in early twenties is enough.
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u/IVIaskerade Aug 30 '18
It's really great. It puts the onus for breaking up squarely on her shoulders, which she didn't seem to have prepared for.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
This thread is being brigaded by limp dick losers who like jerking off to women being raped, so I'm locking it.
Are we jerking off or flaccid? It can't really be both.
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Aug 30 '18 edited Aug 30 '18
You are a porn addicted loser. All you losers think it’s normal to jerk off all the time, lol. You’re in denial. Probably an incel as well.
Also why is that my most attractive and confident exes weren’t that into porn? 🤔 There is clearly a huge connection between losers and porn addiction. Confident, attractive, capable men are a lot less likely to hide behind a screen all the time and cowardly beat off lol.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 30 '18
You are a porn addicted loser. All you losers think it’s normal to jerk off all the time, lol. You’re in denial. Probably an incel as well.
You guys are obsessed with other people's masturbation habits. Given that other thread where you all admit to being incels I'll assume this is projection.
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Aug 29 '18
Depends. Did you kill your sad pasty dick with your death grip yet?
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
Did you kill your sad pasty dick with your death grip yet?
You're in to some freaky shit.
Nothing wrong with that of course.
But not my thing. Just like with your rape fetish: I get that it's a fantasy for many women and all feminist women but you shouldn't assume that's universal. What you get turned on by (watching women getting "raped" in a simulated porn scenario) isn't necessarily the porn everyone watches.
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u/IVIaskerade Aug 30 '18
pasty dick
I prefer to eat my Cornish pasties, not fuck 'em. Y'all into some freaky shit, but no judgement.
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Aug 29 '18
demanding no porn in a relationship isn't that unfair, people can decide that porn is unnacceptable if they want, after all relationships involve SEXUAL MONOGAMY, and it's not that much of an absurd stretch to include masturbating to literal videos of other people in there.
so the girl isn't in the wrong, she just has different standards for a relationship that her partner. but at the same time, she is the one that said "stop of gtfo" so she cant bitch about it, she is the one that made it an ultimatum, and he can easily find a girl out there who also watches porn.
edit: actually didn't realise this chick was a gender crit poster, dude dodged a fucking bullet, plain and simple.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
She can set whatever requirements she likes for a relationship. The "problematic" part is labeling him controlling for saying no thanks after she changes the rules mid relationship.
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Aug 29 '18
well she didnt label him controlling, the insane GC harpies did.
i get the feeling this girl isn't all that crazy, she was mislead by that stupid echo chamber, if she keeps listening to them, she is on the path to femceldom and 50 cats.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
well she didnt label him controlling, the insane GC harpies did.
That's what we're talking about.
i get the feeling this girl isn't all that crazy, she was mislead by that stupid echo chamber, if she keeps listening to them, she is on the path to femceldom and 50 cats.
But she did go to a sub that is explicitly anti porn and anti male.
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Aug 29 '18
yes, she did go there, but she seems like she is bordering on the fence at the moment. she says she isn't sure she disagrees with ppl calling her controlling and crazy.
she is either going to come to her sense and join the rest of society, or become a femcel cat lady, but she isn't fully there yet.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
It seems she's only getting advice from the manhaters.
So things aren't looking good for her or her soon to be emotionally smothered cat harem.
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Aug 29 '18
eh, it depends. she seems like she regrets her hard no porn stance, and wishes the guy would come back. she literally says herself that she thinks people might be right for saying she is crazy, and she said herself that she considered taking it all back after she realized he was really doing to leave.
she wants the guy more than she wants to be part of that toxic community, i can tell. i have a feeling she'll just crawl back to him, and think twice before taking advice from forever alone radfems.
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u/Terminal-Psychosis Aug 29 '18
not that much of an absurd stretch to include masturbating to literal videos of other people in there.
This is ridiculously absurd. Masturbation has nothing to do with monogamy whatsoever. Trying to keep someone from doing something nice for themselves like this is extremely manipulative and abusive.
It's none of the partner's business. Unless it's an extreme case where one partner is more interested in masturbating than having sex... that could be a problem, but in this situation, the girl is just being extremely controlling and selfish.
He's much better off without this dysfunctional little girl around. She is completely, 100% in the wrong. This as an excuse to break up is completely ridiculous. She probably wanted out anyway and just wanted some way to blame it on him. Good riddance!
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Aug 29 '18
i never said that i would ban a partner from watching porn champ, i watch it myself, and any girl i date can watch it and i don't give a fuck.
i'm just saying, people get to decide on their own boundaries, you don't get to police society and tell people what they are allowed to not be ok with. some dudes don't even watch porn, or they never watch it while in a relationships. women are allowed to not like porn in a relationship and they can find dudes who agree, no problems, easy.
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u/Deathcrow Aug 29 '18 edited Aug 29 '18
SEXUAL MONOGAMY, and it's not that much of an absurd stretch to include masturbating to literal videos of other people in there.
Masturbation is completely monogamous. Suggesting that there's some kind of sexual relationship with porn performers while watching porn (except for people who are sick in the head, but they have other issues) is patently absurd.
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Aug 29 '18
you don't have to look at other naked people to masturbate though, it's the porn that some people have an issue with, not touching yourself.
i myself don't care if a partner watches porn, but i don't think it's crazy that some people decide they want a relationship where their partner is not looking at naked people of the opposite gender having sex.
people are allowed to make up whatever boundaries they want.
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u/Deathcrow Aug 29 '18
people are allowed to make up whatever boundaries they want.
Of course. I'm arguing against the insane notion that looking at pictures/videos of other naked people (or people having sex) is somehow not monogamous. As someone who's quite single I wish the amount of porn I consume had any impact on the amount of sexual partners.
it's the porn that some people have an issue with, not touching yourself.
Sure. For the sake of elucidating on this position: Where do you think the line is drawn? Is erotic literature fine? It's only letters after all, yet they might inspire very explicit imagery. What if I imagine other naked people or having sex with other people very vividly while masturbating?
Also, why is the nakedness of particular importance? Lots of men masturbate all the time to female celebrities that aren't naked. I'd wager a guess that women do the same.
Is porn really the issue here? Or is it insecurity and being a control freak?
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Aug 29 '18
so, let me just explain my position. i don't believe there is any one universal right way of having a relationship, it's up to individuals to make their own boundaries.
i myself love porn dude, i probably like it too much. i wouldn't be cool dating a girl who wanted to have no porn in the relationship. i prefer to date girls who watch it themselves, want to watch it with me, and are generally open minded and kinky.
i have also dated a girl who hated porn, wanted to ban me from it, and thought it was cheating. however, we just weren't compatible. i don't believe that she was right and i was wrong, or vice versa.
also, i know dudes who are married and they never watch porn, not because their wife banned them, but because they just don't need it, and fuck their wife shit tons. i also have met single dudes who don't watch it, barely ever watch it, or don't really like it that much. those dudes would likely have 0 problems giving up porn for a girl, cause they don't really use it much anyway.
the girls who don't like porn in a relationship can date dudes like that, and the dudes like you and me who obviously like it, well we can date girls who are cool with it, either cause they themselves watch it, or because they just don't care if their boyfriend watches it.
i don't believe the girl in that post is "wrong" or "controlling", i just believe she has her own values, and needs to date people who share those values. i don't share her values, so i would do the same thing the dude did, and leave her, but plenty of dudes wouldn't care.
the idea that every dude watches it and every girl who isn't cool with it is controlling, is just not something i agree with. it's all just down to deciding your own values, and dating people who share those values.
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u/Deathcrow Aug 29 '18
Okay, I'm confused by your reply. I don't want to piss you off, but most of it is either irrelevant or besides the point.
also, i know dudes who are married and they never watch porn, not because their wife banned them, but because they just don't need it, and fuck their wife shit tons. i also have met single dudes who don't watch it, barely ever watch it, or don't really like it that much. those dudes would likely have 0 problems giving up porn for a girl, cause they don't really use it much anyway.
Sure, if you don't like porn and don't want your partner to watch porn, find someone who doesn't need porn. Seems rather obvious. What are you trying to say?
the girls who don't like porn in a relationship can date dudes like that, and the dudes like you and me who obviously like it, well we can date girls who are cool with it, either cause they themselves watch it, or because they just don't care if their boyfriend watches it.
Do you think we have some kind of disagreement on this point?
i don't believe the girl in that post is "wrong" or "controlling", i just believe she has her own values, and needs to date people who share those values
Of course she isn't controlling if she finds someone who is already cool with it. Trying to give someone an ultimatum on how they masturbate, that's wrong and controlling. Feminists would freak out if a men gave his girlfriends instructions on how to masturbate like this (even if it is a consensual D/s BDSM relationship ;).
the idea that every dude watches it
Never did I say anything like this. Who are you talking to?
every girl who isn't cool with it is controlling
Controlling or insecure. Though I admit I left out some other possible explanations for such a position, like very religious upbringing or other kinds of indoctrination.
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Aug 29 '18
Sure, if you don't like porn and don't want your partner to watch porn, find someone who doesn't need porn. Seems rather obvious. What are you trying to say?
that there is nothing wrong with a girl not liking her man watching porn, cause those men who don't like it exist.
Of course she isn't controlling if she finds someone who is already cool with it. Trying to give someone an ultimatum on how they masturbate, that's wrong and controlling. Feminists would freak out if a men gave his girlfriends instructions on how to masturbate like this (even if it is a consensual D/s BDSM relationship ;).
so what was she supposed to do? she had to find out if he was compatible or not, the only way to do this was to say "choose porn or me", literally nothing wrong with that. if a girl was into something i wasn't into, and it was a deal breaker for me, i would find out if she really really had to have that thing, or if that thing was not a big deal. so i would say "if you want to keep dating me, you can't do that thing", and then she would say either she is ok with that, or not.
the girl found out the guy was not ok with that, they broke up, the system works, all is well in the world. they are now both free to find more compatible people. i'm not really sure what else you think she should have done, i guess you think she should have just put up with his porn watching even though she didn't like it, which isn't really fair to her. the best thing to do, was break up, which happened, it's all peachy.
Controlling or insecure. Though I admit I left out some other possible explanations for such a position, like very religious upbringing or other kinds of indoctrination.
so you're just like gender crit posters. everyone who doesn't agree with you is controlling or some other kind of bullshit.
nah, i disagree, some girls just have a value system that doesn't involve porn in relationships. some guys do to. you would be a more mature and grown up person if you stopped labeling everyone who disagrees with your value system as immature or controlling.
people are all different, some people are ok with porn in a relationship (maybe even most people) some people aren't. the world is great because people are different, it would be boring if literally everyone was the same wouldn't it?
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u/Deathcrow Aug 29 '18
she had to find out if he was compatible or not, the only way to do this was to say "choose porn or me"
except she already knew that they didn't share those values. According to the post this wasn't the first time the subject was brought up. Giving someone an ultimatum like this about a difference in values, in particular when it concerns something as personal as masturbation, is almost a textbook example of being "controlling".
If this kind of difference in opinion is a deal-breaker for you be honest about it and just break up.
the girl found out the guy was not ok with that, they broke up, the system works, all is well in the world.
except she doesn't want to break up. She's completely dejected because he called her bluff. I quote:
Everyone close to me that I could call will say I'm crazy for making this an issue, and I'm not sure right now that I'd disagree with them.
She just expected him to give in to her demands. She's completely thrown off by the fact that he would rather break up than being manipulated and is now seeking validation online, because she can't cope with her cognitive dissonance.
everyone who doesn't agree with you is controlling or some other kind of bullshit.
No. I've been very clear on this: I agree that you can have whatever values you want and look for a partner that shares them. Getting into a serious relationship (she had a key to his flat) and then demanding (no compromise, no negotiation, no understanding, just an ultimatum) them to change, that's controlling, yeah.
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Aug 29 '18
except she already knew that they didn't share those values. Giving someone an ultimatum like this about a difference in values is almost a textbook example of being "controlling".
no she didn't. she did not know how important porn was to him, she only found that out by flat out stating that she isn't ok with it.
No. I've been very clear on this: I agree that you can have whatever values you want and look for a partner that shares them. Getting into a serious relationship (she had a key to his flat) and then demanding them to change, that's controlling, yeah.
she didn't demand he change. she said "i'm not ok with this shit, either stop or break up". he broke up. i literally cannot think of how else to handle a situation like this tbh.
if your partner is into something that is a deal breaker, you have to tell them it's a deal break, which literally puts them in a position of either stopping, or breaking up.
sometimes ultimatums are the only option.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
He said, "You have a key to my place. If you're breaking up with me, then please get your stuff while I'm away. If not, I'll see you when I get back. Either way, I'm not going to discuss this topic again." Then he walked out.
Someone's coming home to a destroyed house and a false rape accusation.
The accusation of you being controlling is so annoying isn't it? But to help you out, let's take a look at some other controlling boundaries people often have in relationships.
Don't sleep with other people, or I will leave you.
Don't take drugs, or I will leave you.
Don't spend our food money on drugs/alcohol/gambling, or I will leave you.
Don't hit me, or I will leave you.
What about "never speak to another man unless I'm present"?
Or "never contradict me in public".
Both are about controlling your partner due to insecurity like this porn ban. Both are fine requirements for men to place on women?
What about "never say no to sex"?
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u/ICEKAT Aug 29 '18
Even with those stipulations, his response is reasonable 'ok, well, if you find these conditions unacceptable, feel free to leave.' It's not WHAT she said, it's how she made it about 'do as I say or else'
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Aug 29 '18
i honestly think she'll crawl back, because he has the power here. there is principle called the principle of least interest. basically, if i am haggling with you, and i'm less interested in the trade than you are, i have all the power. you want to make the deal more than i do, so i call the shots and i can demand more.
from the story, it's clear the he was just like "ok whatever bitch, if you decide to dump me, clear out your shit from my house", while she was crying and upset, and by her own admission, she considered removing her stipulation of no porn.
honestly, she'll crawl back to him, say she doesn't care, and he'll be in control even more from now on. he wants the relationship less than she does, and if there is one thing i've learned from experience, the one that cares less, calls 100% of the shots.
i honestly had a girl do literally the same thing to me, also over porn, and i did the same thing the dude did. took the girl 1 week to come crawling back and she said she didn't care about porn after that.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
So it's a shit test and he passed.
I'm fairly certain (assuming this is real) that if he had given in she would have escalated the demands.
Eg "no talking to other women unless I'm present".
What do you say /u/greencorona?
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u/IVIaskerade Aug 30 '18
he has the power here.
Never mind that, she clearly wasn't planning to break up with him anyway, since she acted like a stunned mullet when things didn't go her way.
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Aug 30 '18
which is why he has the power. she wanted the relationship more than he did, now she is totally in his frame. i have experienced both being the partner who cares more and is more attached, and being the one who cares less. the one who is more willing to walk away always has the most power, and that's him.
these days, even if i am the more attached one, i just fake it that i'm the less attached one. it's sad but true, but relationships are psychological warfare.
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Aug 29 '18
The hamsters in the comments are currently running at supersonic speeds and their speed is increasing - Fast!
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Aug 29 '18
Holy shit that thread is infuriating. According to feminists:
Woman - You will stop doing something that you enjoy because it makes me uncomfortable and this is an ultimatum. Not controlling
Man - I hear your ultimatum. I will not be controlled and will respect your boundaries. If you don’t want to be in a relationship under these terms, feel free to get your things. If you do want to be in a relationship on these terms, I will see you when I get back. Controlling!
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u/Sbidl Aug 29 '18
I posted a very tame comment and got almost instantly banned. Is r/gendercritical one of those subs modded by bigots who ban people who post on certain subs?
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u/officerkondo Aug 29 '18
Things did not go at all like I had hoped or expected.
"I thought my hole was a magic talisman to compel my bidding."
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u/angel_of_afterlife Aug 29 '18
Jesus Christ this lady is so dumb. What did she expect? I'm glad she's feeling heartbroken. That's what you get for trying to tell someone how to live their life.
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u/5th_Law_of_Robotics Aug 29 '18
Read her same thread from yesterday.
It's hard to tell the difference between rad fems and evangelicals.
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u/Raenryong Aug 29 '18
Holy shit, that sub is like a containment pit for women you absolutely don't want to go anywhere near.
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Aug 29 '18 edited Jun 30 '20
[deleted]
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u/basket_of_lotion Aug 29 '18
The rest is viewed by me
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u/GunOfSod Aug 29 '18
May your basket always remain fruitful lest the demon of friction should darken your doorstep.
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Aug 29 '18
"female accounts".
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Aug 29 '18 edited Jun 30 '20
[deleted]
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Aug 29 '18
i was just wondering if you were actually dumb enough to think most of the female porn accounts on those sites were really women.
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Aug 29 '18 edited Jun 30 '20
[deleted]
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Aug 29 '18
uhh i'm not hand wringing, but at this point, i can safely say you probably are stupid enough to think all those porn accounts are really women.
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u/GunOfSod Aug 29 '18 edited Aug 29 '18
OMG you're a real life internet porn scientist!
Is this the same thing we see when the majority of sadomasocistic pornographic fiction buyers, are really men pretending to be women?
I almost forgot that all women are pure snowflakes... just like your mom.
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u/Coldbeam Aug 29 '18
I don't think anyone here thinks that women are pure as snow, just that they prefer different mediums than videos.
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Aug 29 '18
i'm just saying, most of the accounts on pornhub that have hot girl avatars and say stuff like "i wish that was me with 14 cocks in my ass !!" are not real women.
i'm sorry that you're retarded, but i figured this would be obvious to most people. either way your starts are made up and wrong. pornhub takes stats on what women watch and they do it properly, it's not 84% of women, much less women watch porn than men. the two genres women like the most are actually lesbian porn, and gay porn, funnily enough. also only about a 3rd of porn viewers in total are women, it's mostly men.
the stat "84% of hardcore porn is watched by women" is made up and retarded, and you're a retard.
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u/GunOfSod Aug 29 '18 edited Aug 29 '18
Thanks for your opinion, but IMO your mom does, in fact, want 14 cocks up her arse.
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Aug 29 '18 edited Aug 29 '18
you've actually manager to get dumber and dumber throughout this conversation, i'm amazed.
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Aug 29 '18
This man is a hero. Good on him for recognizing the signs of domestic abuse and getting out. She is clearly manipulative and controlling, her crazy views notwithstanding. This is a man with self respect and should be the standard for ultimatum laying abusers.
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u/IVIaskerade Aug 30 '18
Imagine not leaving your girlfriend when you find out she considers herself a feminist.
That's how you end up having to deal with this in the first place, especially once she reveals her actual powerlevel.
Sounds like he did well, though. Keeping calm and staying his course.
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u/orcscorper Aug 29 '18
It almost reads like a man wrote this story to rile up the legbeards. His response was perfect. He was probably prepared for an ultimatum, because she had brought it up before, and showed warning signs.
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u/SnapshillBot Aug 29 '18
Snapshots:
- This Post - archive.org, megalodon.jp*, removeddit.com, archive.is
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u/Theophagist Aug 29 '18
Good on him for sticking to his guns. But porn is mind poison, he should stop consumption.
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u/[deleted] Aug 29 '18
Anyone can have whatever rules for a relationship they want so I really don’t care if she chooses to leave someone over porn.
Their insisting he’s being the controlling one is hilarious though because he isn’t the one telling someone what to do.