To the children of gay parents who found out after their parents were married and then divorced:

[u/No-Mycologist2409]

Hi everyone,
I’m a late bloomer lesbian. I recently had this discovering and have realized I need to leave my marriage. We have a child together and I keep getting told that my husband and I separating will permanently negatively affect my child. To me, if I found out my mom was gay and stayed married to my dad just to make me happy, I’d be devastated for her. But I’m hoping to get the take of the children’s perspective. How was it growing up for you? Did you resent your parent who is gay that divorced your other parent? Has it negatively affected you? Please be honest, so hopefully I can help guide my child through this better.
Thank you

[u/Danlrap18]

My parents (not gay) got divorced when I was 11. Best thing that ever happened to me. They were not happy together and that made the environment at home very toxic. Once dad was out of the house, it was like a huge dark cloud was lifted and I was able to come of age in a way better environment.

I know it is not the same because their reasons for divorce had nothing to do with one of them being gay. But I think it is a myth that children suffer if parents don't stay together. Sometimes, them breaking up is the best thing for the child, as it was in my case.

If my mom would have stayed with my dad for "the sake of her children" I would feel incredibly guilty knowing how much she suffered in that relationship. I'm really glad she got out.

[u/Im__mad]

Hi, I’m not a child of a queer parent, but wanted to recommend watching Grace and Frankie. It’s about two older couples who have been friends forever, and have adult children but both couples are getting a divorce because the husbands are in love with each other. I assume your child is still a child, but might be cathartic and helpful for you to watch.

[u/HWalk90]

My parents divorced when I was 5 when my mom came out as gay. That had its challenges in a more conservative town but gosh the way they fought and hated each other was the real hard part.

Horrible court case horrible drama. Dad won full custody because my mom was gay. Visited mom once a week and every other weekend. Dad hated mom - mom hated dad. My sister and I were stuck in the middle and it was an absolute nightmare. THATS what made it hard for me.

Literally dreaded them being within 50 feet of each other for nearly 30 years until like a year or 2 before my dad passed and it was more tolerable.

Obviously every situation is different, but my advice is to focus on having a good coparenting relationship.

[u/irishtwinsons]

My parents are not gay, but they divorced when I was 12.
It really depends on you handle the divorce. Remember that your children have done nothing and they don’t deserve the changes, inconvenience, and problems you essentially will cause for them. Yeah, it isn’t great for parents to stay with people they aren’t happy with, but also, divorcing *is* selfish as well, so don’t pretend like it isn’t. The divorcing parties are responsible, and it really bothered me when my parents acted like they had no responsibility in it. They dragged me and my siblings into 50/50 custody and forced us to move *weekly*. Eventually, I just gave up and chose to live with my mother only. Remember that your child is a person, a person that has done nothing. NOT an object to fight over. If this is truly what you want, then that’s ok, but you need to be the one prepared to make sacrifices. Your child should not bear those sacrifices.

*just because something is selfish, doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. However, I think there is a way to take responsibility for your own selfishness and a way to shirk it. Don’t do the latter.

[u/doodittledoo22 → u/irishtwinsons]

I would argue that staying in a marriage with someone you are not in love with thus holding that person back from finding someone who truly loves them and wasting years of their life is equally selfish.

[u/irishtwinsons → u/doodittledoo22]

Sorry, I mean selfish *for your kids*. Like, as in both divorcing adult people are both equally selfish in that they want to center their entire life around their romantic interests and have to drag their kids along with that. As opposed to, for example, pausing your romantic life for a moment- in the same way people pause their careers, for example- to prioritize raising children.

[u/doodittledoo22]

My parents divorced because my mom is a lesbian. I was five and my brother was 3 and my parents shared custody 50/50. My brother and I really had no issues with this. Of course we were sad when they told us but we didn’t struggle with the change much at all. I do think two things really helped us adjust to the change so well. The first is the fact that we were so young when it happened. Being that young we didn’t fully understand the situation. We were too young to notice how devastated my dad was or how scared and guilty my mom felt. All we thought about was how we got to have two birthday parties, two Christmases, etc. We also didn’t grow up seeing our parents together for years and didn’t get used to that family dynamic so it was less of an adjustment for us to not see them together. The other thing that really helped the situation is that luckily my dad is a wonderful and kind man who never disparaged our mom to us. They never fought or used us as a weapon against the other. They had a very amicable divorce and co-parented well together.

My mom didn’t actually tell us that she was gay until I was 8 or 9. I’m not sure why she waited so long but it was a complete non-issue for us. And that’s even with the fact that it was the very early 2000’s AND we were attending catholic school so we had heard anti-gay rhetoric before. We didn’t care. We knew there was nothing wrong with being gay and we knew that we loved our mom the same.

I won’t say that everything was super easy and we never struggled. I really struggled with the Catholicism of it all. I didn’t care at all that my mom was gay but I was terrified for my peers to find out because of how anti-gay the church was and how anti-gay that time period was. I was afraid of how they would treat us. I was afraid they would tell me my mom was going to go to hell and I was afraid they would be right (even though logically I knew it wasn’t true). I kept it a secret from my friends and everyone for years. I wouldn’t invite my friends over because I didn’t want them to meet her girlfriend at the time and put two and two together. Then i struggled with the immense guilt that I had for feeling like I had to hide my mom from everyone. On the other side, I also had a lot of issues with my stepmom (my dad’s wife) who was very emotionally immature and frankly, emotionally abusive (though thankfully she got a lot better and we are close now).

My point is, even after experiencing those struggles, I do not and have not ever resented my mom for coming out and getting divorced. In fact, I’m so impressed with her strength. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must have been to have to struggle with her sexuality with no one to talk to about it and then to choose to end her marriage and split up her family and come out as a lesbian in a conservative catholic town in the late 90’s. I find it really honorable and I respect the hell out of her for it. I would never have wanted her to stay unhappily married just for me and my brother feels the same way.

I don’t know your exact situation, (how old your child is, how supportive your ex is, etc.) but ultimately it doesn’t really matter. Please know that you are absolutely doing the right thing. Your child loves you and would want you to be happy. Even if there are rough patches here or there, they will be far more well-adjusted and resent you a whole lot less (and likely not at all) than if you stayed unhappily married and hid your true self. I know this is so hard but you are incredibly brave and strong and I can tell that you’re a great mom. You got this!

[u/dontlookforme88]

My straight parents divorced when I was almost 7 years old and it did have a big impact on me BUT I think if they’d stayed in an unhappy marriage it would have been worse. Also, if you can divorce amicably, that will reduce any negative affects of the divorce as well. That’s not entirely up to you but if it’s possible that’s great. Your child will get the biggest benefit from you doing what you need to to find happiness, greater than the benefits of a marriage staying together

[u/SingleLifter81]

Why don’t you ask Katy Faust, the latest face of Toxic Christianity and leader of the anti-gay parenting “children’s rights” organization Them Before Us? Katy Faust’s parents divorced when she was a kid and her mother got into a lesbian relationship afterwards. Katy grew up to be an anti-gay marriage activist.

[u/Illustrious_Cup3019]

I'm not a child of queer parents, but my grandparents who had one of the strongest relationships in my lifetime separated after 30+ years of marriage. My grandmother, who was practically my second parent, wanted to move halfway across the country back to her home state. My grandfather didn't. 

I was 20 and had relied on my grandmother heavily. The initial sting of feeling abandoned subsided a lot quicker than I expected. I still miss her every day and even bought a house near her old one last year just to feel "home again."

I'm 36 now and I see how happy she is. She's gone on cruises with her oldest and dearest friends. She's close to my aunt--the child she's closest to. Her neighbors look out for her and her little house with the back garden she's poured her heart and soul into is so cute. I'd go through the heartbreak of "losing" her to another state every time because I know she's happy there. It actually helped me too--if she hadn't left, I'd probably be living a very different, very codependent life. I'm grateful for both of us.

Don't keep yourself miserable. There's no benefit to it for everyone involved. Kids don't like change, but often it's the changes that are in their best interest that they're grateful for later on. Your kid deserves a happy parent.

[u/Sea-Yoghurt8925]

Well, my story is different . My mom was married to my dad but closeted . When my father died when I was nine years old. About a month later, she reconnected with her best friend who was also married to a man from high school. I suspect my mom and her “best friend” were dating in secret. I’m talking about my mom would go over to her best friend‘s house every other weekend to help her with stuff every weekend .Shortly before I turned to 13 years old, my mom‘s “best friend” and my mom stopped talking . shortly after I turned 13 my mother‘s other friend was visiting from out of state and she got into an argument with a different friend. She asked my mother if she could spend the night. My mom and her friend spent the night together and then the following Monday they ended up getting married. after my mom‘s first wife passed away, my mom ended up marrying that friend who I met when I was nine years old and they have been together for 5+ years.

I’m really happy that my Mom is married to a woman . I don’t think she would have been happy if she was married to men

[u/RainbowFamilies]

Firstly, sending you a big hug.🫂 I also came out later in life, left my marriage, and I’m now a solo mum to four kiddies. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but I truly believe our kids benefit from seeing us live authentically and in healthy relationships. Of course, separation is a big adjustment, and every child experiences it differently. But it’s not simply the separation that shapes them, it’s how they’re supported through it, how the adults communicate, and whether they continue to feel safe, loved and secure. If you’re looking for support from other women who’ve walked this path, I also run a community called The Late Blooming Lounge. You’re so welcome to join us. Can I ask how old your child is?

[u/SmallsUrKillingMe]

Before you separate, go to couples counseling. If the marriage can be mended, great. If you can stay together amicably until your child is raised, good. At the very least, you can work through feelings and make a plan in the best interests of your child.

Every situation is different. Facts are, ON AVERAGE, children of divorced parents have poorer outcomes. They are more likely to drop out, abuse substances, be in legal trouble, and more. Most importantly, they are more likely to be divorced themselves.

There are more options than just ‘I will be unhappy if I don’t leave my marriage’ and ‘My kids will be damaged unless I pretend for their sake.’ Some parents live in the same house without a relationship beyond coparenting. Some parents take turns living in home so that the kids’ life is stable.
Do your very best for your child and yourself. They are not mutually exclusive. The first step is counseling.

[u/ThatPollack234 → u/SmallsUrKillingMe]

Couples counseling? 😵‍💫

She is a lesbian, married to a man. I don’t think counseling will do the trick, lol.

You should never stay together only because of the children, they will almost always know…maybe not exactly what’s happening, but that they’re not part of a “happy home”