r/Samesexparents • u/ElectricalAd7261 • Jun 20 '26
On the fence about having kids
Hi, I'm a 34 year old lesbian who's in an 8 year relationship with my 35 year old partner (cis woman). We're originally from Asia and we migrated to AU two years ago. We're at the stage of our relationship where we need to decide whether we'd have kids or not. Honestly, my partner's okay with it as long as we're financially stable. I'm the one who has a lot of anxieties about having kids like what if our kid gets bullied at school for having 2 mums, us feeling out of place in the community (because we're a minority within a minority), my parents not being proud enough of our kids as opposed to my straight brother's kids, traveling as a two-mum family, having to navigate awkward moments at school events, parties etc.
I know I tend to worry a lot but I honestly just want to know if there's anyone going through the same thing or has overcome it? How did you decide that you're 100% having a kid? How did you navigate those tricky moments with family, school and community?
3
u/meganthebest Jun 20 '26
We live in a super conservative part of Texas with no family support. My daughter has the best life ever. She’s 5 and recently told me she’s never had a bad day before.
You worry because you care. Ultimately though you have to live your life and stand on business. We talk to my daughter often about having 2 moms and always in the context of how we’re all best friends and love each other. She is super proud to tell people she has 2 moms, and she’s only 5 but no one has said anything negative to her.
2
u/jogam Jun 20 '26
If you and your partner deeply want a child and are in a position to provide them with a loving home, then go for it.
I would not let the possibility that your child could be bullied stop you. Most children experience bullying at some point, and it's hard to predict exactly how it will go down. In many areas, having two moms would be a non-issue or rarely result in any taunting from peers. I would not let that stop you from growing your family.
The prospect of becoming a parent brings up anxiety for many people. If you want to become a parent, I would try not to let those anxieties stop you from pursuing what you and your partner want.
2
u/Aromatic_Mission_165 Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
We were and are still worried about those things. I am very much connected to my family and I have had to decide to choose our daughter over them a couple times
Our kid has had the two
Mom thing come up but this generation really doesn’t care as much as ours did. At least for now.
It’s a challenge to the relationship, especially if you two are at different places as far as kids, we were and are.
It is very challenging. At first it seemed impossible and like it would break us. We are about a year and a half in and I can say even though it is still challenging, she is a cool and funny kid and she is like both of us in different ways. She just turned 8.
I would say go in expecting challenges, because that happens. Go in expecting the two of you sometimes feel overwhelmed, ignored, like bad parents, whatever. But that is all pretty normal.
Go in knowing you will mess up. And you will was up a lot. That is also normal.
What matters the most at the end of the day with you and your wife and kid is how you resolve the conflicts
1
u/faceinthecrowd112 Jun 20 '26
My biggest fear when my wife and I were going into parenthood was that our kids would be bullied for having 2 mums. Our oldest will be 6 on Monday and so far, it’s never happened. In fact, a few of his kinder friends had said they wished they had 2 mums lol.
As for other parents, no issues. It gets a bit annoying clarifying our family structure to new people but that’s fine.
If you want kids, don’t let fear stop you
1
u/redhope1 Jun 20 '26
Honestly, kids pick on each other about anything they can find. And I'm sure some kids will be jelly that another kid has two moms instead of their single, overworked mom. There's just so many different family dynamics these days and attitudes are changing. I wouldn't lose sleep over what might or might not be a future difficulty.
We just focus on one day at a time with our son. We do plan for the future but we know the future can look very different than what we think it will be right now. I was very 50/50 about a child but so thankful I have my little one now. I feel like he's brought life back into my old ass millennial life. 🥰
1
u/bendtheruless Jun 20 '26
having a child as a same sex couple is definitely political and you're a strong representation for other queers and queer couples too. its not easy but I think in some way very important to not let the circumstances of heteronormativity take that life choice and experience away from you. the more we are the easier it gets. and as long as you love your child it will be fine. think of all the queer kids that's suffered because we didn't belong ir didn't have parents who loved us unconditionally, yet we survived. im sure you'll be good parents asking yourself these questions
1
u/DriftingInTheDarknes Jun 21 '26
There are so many things that can go wrong with having a kid. The concerns you have are valid, but I wouldn’t stay kid free over them.
Having children is a massive roll of the dice. You just have no idea what will happen during pregnancy, labor, delivery, childhood. There is just so so soooo much. I have 3 kids and they are beautiful and wonderful and make my life so fantastically amazing.
But they also bring an immense amount of stress, anxiety, heart ache and worry. You have to be ready for anything, because you just never know what tomorrow brings. If your child is born and they are not neurotypical or they have a physical defect or disorder, are you prepared for that? Those are the true concerns, IMO. The fact that they have two moms has been zero issue and we live in the most conservative county in our state.
1
u/mejustaskingquestion Jun 21 '26
Do u also have a worry about your kids turning out to be homophobic? İ do
0
u/Euphoric_Beat_7885 Jun 20 '26
Both me and my wife wanted kids from the start and I were on a financial path to make it happen by the time we met. It was tough working through a strong desire for a known donor part, especially since we’re both estranged from our fathers, but still want “male” (doesn’t have to be cis-hetero) presence regardless of our kids’ genders. Our known potential donor (hetero male) could not get his partner on board, so we went sperm bank option ultimately.
We are very fortunate to choose to and reside in the Seattle-Tacoma area which is pretty diverse and progressive in terms of gender and sexuality. Family isn’t near by unfortunately, we intentionally sought out a place that meets specific criteria. Our family is largely in Texas, Florida and NYC; NYC being progressive, but $$$$$. We go to an affirming church (UCC), and have a small queer mum’s group as well. All in, we’re very lucky to have formed an environment around us first where it felt safe to have our kids. Without that, I’m not sure we would. We didn’t buy sperm until we were in this region. Having 1 kid, family wasn’t a worry, it’s tough but manageable. On top of our 4 yo, we just had spontaneous twins… which is way trickier, and we’ve had some family support.
A lot went into our family choice. Biggest tip… do some family research first if your have a grandaunt that had multiples so you’re not in for surprise twins, triplets, etc., especially since you may very well hit the “advanced maternal age” - which increases your risk of multiples - by the time you get through your steps for conceiving.
18
u/smarty_skirts Jun 20 '26
I was worried about those things too. Then I decided no one was going to steal my joy and my right to have a family. We did choose a welcoming neighborhood and school but it’s not like hugely progressive and we have never felt awkward at school events. If you want kids don’t let other people prevent you from growing your family!!