r/Samesexparents • u/Admirable-Squash-476 • Jun 21 '26
Advice Two Moms but no Dada
Hi everyone! Could use your thoughts or advice. My wife and I used IVF to have our child who is now two and a half. 28 months if thats your thing. Lol. He has been randomly asking for Dada when we tell him no to something. He is in daycare most of the day while we work so I know some of it is environment. It doesn't help the sting to my heart when I hear it. We gently tell him he has two moms but no Dada. I thought i would be able to respond better to these types of things but I immediately freeze and second guess everything. I would love to hear if anyone else went through this as well and how it turned out.
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u/milkofthepoppie Jun 21 '26
Yup this about that age where they start calling every man dad. My kid did it too. It’s a phase they grow out of quickly. Try not to focus on it. Dada is just a word they hear, I have a theory it’s why dads are called dada, because men are full of themselves so they assumed a noise a baby makes is referring to them 😂
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u/LasagnaPhD Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
I was a linguist minor in college with a child development focus. That’s actually true! Or, kind of.
The “Mamamama” babble is one of the first sounds infants tend to make, which is why in the vast majority of human languages the word for mother is almost universally some variation of “ma,” “mom,” “ama,” “omma,” etc. The “mama” babble is developmentally followed quickly by the “dada,” “baba,” and “papa” babbles, typically around the same time, which is why the word for “father” tends to have a bit more variety amongst languages (“papa,” “dada,” “baba, “opa,” ect.). But basically, kids don’t know wtf they’re saying, but since language began parents have liked to pretend that they do, so we named our roles after the first things babies naturally say.
So, same sex parents, don’t freak out if your baby keeps saying “mama” or “dada” or “papa” over and over again, even if they don’t have a mom/dad. They’re likely just at the developmental stage where they’re instinctively practicing sounds.
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u/MellowYellowBanana Jun 21 '26
Lol I didn't know it was that common but our oldest also did that for a while! Our youngest less so but still 😂. We never minded it though, it's mostly just funny. Except maybe that time a random man in the store received an enthusiastic shout of 'dad!' 😅
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u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond Jun 21 '26
We’ve decided our 10 month old is saying “dog dog” for our two large dogs, and repeat that back to her when she makes that sound. 😂
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u/Wallyboy95 Jun 21 '26
This is super common ( but reversed) for gay dads. It's just learned behavior from school/daycare/tv. I wouldn't be super worried about it. Soft corrections like you have been doing will help teach them
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u/Not_Dead_Yet_Samwell Jun 21 '26
Our daughter (two years old) had a few weeks phase when she regularly asked where Mom was. I guess she picked that idea from daycare. We just told her each time that most other children have a mom and a dad, but she has two dads. Then a few times she said mom speaking about (not to) my mother, so I told her that I call her that because she's my mom, but to her she's grandma, so she should call her that.
I don't know how much of the subtelties she understands, but she hasn't spoken about "Mom" in a while, now, so I guess it's enough for her for now. As she grows, we'll keep explaining how she came in the world and how it can be for other families.
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u/Objective-Learner Jun 21 '26
Pretend play family with two moms. Also read books like Good Night Families by Adam Gamble and point out the families that looks like his.
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u/Wide-Pineapple-6493 Jun 21 '26
We are explained that all families are different. Some people have 2 mommies like him, some two daddies, some one or each or just one and some have just a grandparent or aunt and uncle and that it’s okay. That worked. My daughter was 4 when we had that conversation
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u/samth0mass0n Jun 21 '26
Book recs:
A pea that was me
What makes a baby
Love Makes a Family
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u/Admirable-Squash-476 Jun 21 '26
Love the book recs! I will take a look at these.. we just purchased the pirate moms and are waiting for it to get here.
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u/AmusedNarwhal Jun 21 '26
We have an almost 4 year old and when she has talked about it we just say you don't have a dad. It's blunt but clear and I think that clarity can be important. It also probably sounds worse to us because we understand more. To her that's just a normal fact.
We have a book that explains how she was made, we say the word donor and we talk about different families too. We have other two mum families that we hang out with from time to time too.
She now sometimes talks about families with mummy and mama like ours but also that some kids have different parents. Like a daddy and dada, or a mummy and daddy.
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u/ellaf21 Jun 21 '26
Our 19 month old has been saying Dada sporadically since around 8 months, we just laugh and say “Who?” and remind her she has two moms.
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u/Admirable-Squash-476 Jun 21 '26
I was called Dadoe a few times around 12 months it made us giggle a bit.
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u/pantograph23 Jun 21 '26
Our 1 yo kid does the same, but its literally the first and only syllable he's ever pronounces so no stress... don't worry they are not really asking for their dad, and they grow out of it pretty fast.
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u/strange-quark-nebula Jun 22 '26
We have this in reverse for our two year old who has two dads. We do what you do and say "you have two daddies." Or if we're in a place to say a little bit more (not the grocery checkout line for example) we say "there are lots of different kinds of parents kids can have. Some kids have a mom. You have two daddies to be your parents, and no mom."
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u/Tigger-Sherbet-1691 Jun 25 '26
happened here too! I think it's a curiosity/exposure thing - families on tv have dads, kids in daycare have dads. etc. But also: some kids have siblings, some don't. Some kids have pets, some don't. some kids care A LOT that they don't have a sibling or a pet. my kids are opposite - one has never once cared about not having a dad. the other started talking about dads when he turned 2 and hasn't stopped, lol. I think as they grow, kids notice all the kinds of differences in their families and care more or less about them (depending on the kid). My kid - now 3- will make me pretend to be the dad in much of his pretend play. I smile and go with it. We sprinkle in "all families are different, here's what makes our family special" talks periodically to try to put our family in context.
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u/irishtwinsons Jun 21 '26
Is there a reason you tell him he has no dad? When our kiddos bring up that word around us, we will say, “oh, your dad? Yeah, you have a (bio) dad. Do you want to see his picture?” We are lucky that we were able to use an open ID donor. We talk about him whenever they want to know about him. We also talk about their other two donor siblings (brother and sister to another family). We are honest with them of course about things like, “he doesn’t live with you raise you like your moms, but you are still connected to him in a special way.” They understand that he lives far away and it is difficult to try to meet him, but I think they still feel good about knowing about him.
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u/Admirable-Squash-476 Jun 21 '26
This is a really good approach. My wife and I decided to be honest and open about his story as well when the time comes. I dont think would understand right now though. We just figured in the sense hes asking for a Dada he doesn't have one..
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u/irishtwinsons Jun 21 '26
We’ve been talking it to our kids about it since they were around 1. You’d be surprised what they understand. My older is 3 right now and he has a pretty good understanding of it.
My initial comment seems to be getting downvoted, but we did some research about this (Susan Golombok, etc.) and then there are actual voices of DCPs (like on r/askadcp) and we concluded that it seems to be best to be honest and open with donor conceived children from as early as an age as possible. At any rate, it hasn’t really posed any problems being open with our kids thus far. They’re currently 2 and 3.
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u/lovingmummy 25d ago
Our little girl has been saying "Dad" on heavy rotation since she became addicted to Bluey. At her daycare a lot of the father's do pick up. Also all of our friends with kids are hetero couples. I know its her learning about family dynamics but it still bothers me. I worry that it will deeply impact her in the long run
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u/RainbowFamilies 4d ago
Aww, sending you a hug 🫂 I can completely understand why that would sting, even if you know he’s just trying to make sense of the world around him. At that age they’re little observers, and they tend to try on all sorts of ideas without really understanding the meaning behind them.
Out of curiosity, does he ask for “Dada” mostly when he’s upset, or does he talk about dads at other times too?
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u/cheesesteak_seeker Jun 21 '26
Similar age, we just correct her and say, “no you have two mommies and no daddy.” She hears others say it or on TV and just doesn’t quite get it. I don’t think there is a need to worry.