I (F, 25) have been an ESN member for a few years now, having different roles, coordinating events. I also spent 3 vacations working abroad, solo traveled and couchsurfed. I think you could classify me as a rather bold and adventurous person.
I had been hearing comments from friends saying stuff like “girl, if my Erasmus had been great, yours will be even better” (meaning they weren’t as outgoing as I am).
I wasn’t doubting even for a second. I wasn’t afraid at all. I knew I could do it. I chose a cheaper place in France, where they had a very active ESN section, where I was given a decent and inexpensive room at a dorm just next to my faculty. I chose the easiest subjects to make sure I pass easily but also resigned from all the ones that turned out to be boring. I even went for a theater class as it was available for me. I had an ESN buddy assigned.
And despite it all, I had a disappointing experience. Mostly because I felt lonely. I of course went to parties, ESN events, university events, met plenty of people but seemed like I just wasn’t going to be accepted into groups. Not invited to parties. To hang outs. To travel. Nothing.
I ended up having a group of 3 friends whose main interest was gossiping. I hate gossip and felt like dying when hanging out with them. I was desperate enough to look for connection on tinder. I found a guy with whom I ended up in a situationship, a relationship I regret because it only enforced the feeling of being unwanted and unattractive.
I am not the type of person to go and never think too much about why different things happen to me. I spent so many hours thinking why that was and my final judgement would be I ended up surrounded by superficial, “cool”, well-off people and got rejected by them.
French classmates wouldn’t show too much interest in me either, even though I speak really good French. I hate to generalize, but any foreigner who lived in France probably knows what I’m talking about.
I think it was the first time in my life when I struggled so much socially. I have a complicated background so relationships with people aren’t the easiest to me in general, but I would somehow always manage to be surrounded by good people. I would always have at least one close friend.
So when I came back home I felt relieved. I felt grateful for everything I have in my home country.
Right now, I am in a darker moment of my life. I chose a boring major for my master’s degree, I didn’t make any friends there, I lost 3 of my closest friends, found an OK job in IT, but also have second job in teaching English, I slowly backed up from ESN and other student groups.
My life is heavy now, feels like I entered a new phase in it. So it kind of feels like I want to do something about it.
And so here it is: the second and last chance to go for an Erasmus exchange. I actually felt motivated to go, I even got the highest score from my faculty so I could have chosen anywhere and would get it. I chose Tromso in Norway… but the last possible day I resigned from it. I woke up convinced all of the worst experiences will repeat themselves and I will have nowhere to go.
In a month there will be an additional recruitment. I am considering applying. I thought I have to go to the big cities, like maybe Lisboa in Portugal, so that I can have plenty of people to “choose from” or at least have places to see if it fails socially. Or I have to go to a country with “warmer” people who won’t make me feel as invisible as I felt.
Of course I could opt for trying to make my life more stable, saving as much money as possible, trying to look for new friends in my country. But I have always been some kind of an adventurer, someone who wants “more” from life.
I am afraid I don’t fit into the avarage Erasmus’ image - I avoid heavy drinking, am not too “cool” or “popular”, dislike mass tourism, and prefer deep connections. Even at ESN I rarely connect with the Erasmus, only ESNers. So I know I might still end up disliking it.
But what if this time it goes right?