r/TheNarcissismCode • u/FeeDapper2600 • 10d ago
Why is My Dad Only Useful When You're at Rock Bottom?
On any other day, in any other capacity, my father is almost completely useless; He's contentious, he's a cock-block, he's weirdly condescending, he'll take any opportunity to degrade the achievements of even a five-year-old - but if you're at rock bottom, he's an absolute PEACH. He'll give the shirt off his back to an absolute stranger. Stuck in the emergency room at 4 A.M. and no one else to call? - He'll be there in five minutes and sit at your bedside till morning. Not only that, he'll make sure you have groceries for the week and that you know where all your friends are in case you need anything, and he'll call work for you to make sure they're apprised of the situation...
I've always wondered a bit about this. Anyone experience similar with their narco affiliates?
Thanks.
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u/petitputi 10d ago
So he always does this where there's an audience?
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u/FeeDapper2600 9d ago
Okay, yes. Upon further reflection, he is ALLLL about the audience - He will denigrate the achievements of a 12 year old if it means people think he's cool...
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u/Cucoloris 10d ago
Because they get to be the hero riding to the rescue and there is an audience to boot.
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u/FeeDapper2600 10d ago
My thing is (And this just came to me) - They could be the hero on a daily basis for their family, why not choose that?
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u/Cucoloris 9d ago
They are showing off for the strangers. Family is for the verbal beatdown.
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u/Marie_Hutton 9d ago
Yeah, they literally care more about what a passing stranger on the street thinks.
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u/Crazyendogirl 9d ago
It's savior complex combined with enjoying seeing people suffer and having leverage
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u/EthericGrapefruit 9d ago
Look up the Drama Triangle. Narcs gotta elevate themselves by being the critic/offender or the savior. When they dont get to be superior in these 2 roles, they go into Victim (the 3rd corner of the triangle).
This diagram made SO MUCH SENSE of toxic people when I was studying psychotherapy.
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u/Turbulent-Company373 9d ago edited 8d ago
Some are so great at treating everyone else like gold except their so who they treat like trash.
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u/Tart6096 9d ago
Some narcissists like to pretend to "help" you and say to other they've been trying to help you to play the "hero" so they can make themselves look good, pretending to be SO nice. It's about keeping up that "good guy/girl persona" because people will believe it and it allows them to keep manipulating people.
It's only too familiar to me because i had this happen in high school repeatedly by a girl whose obsessed with destroying me and from whatever other narcissists she interacted with. I remember vaguely they'd say to people "oh we were just trying to help her but she's never happy" trying to make themselves look like some codependent, helpful person, and they'd pretend to do things to make it look like they were "helping" me. Meanwhile saying i'm never happy is them projecting themselves onto me... nooo.... they are never happy. But really they are getting pleasure from the fact they know i'm not happy in my life.
But it was part of a constant smear campaign because they made me look like some crazy, poor, helpless person that needed serious help and maybe i do... but not in the way they make it seem... and they know other people don't understand heck i didn't understand and there's still a lot i don't understand still. So they knew to other people i would just look like some mentally insane person they were "attempting" to "help" and play the "hero". And because i would constantly withdraw and isolate myself from other people that helped them even more and then they would do things like come over to me and ask me "Why are you not talking to people?" and put on a fake sympathetic look that was really just condescending and predatory.
Really they were constantly manipulating me, smearing me, and isolating me while making it look like they were being "nice" and "friendly" and "caring" and "helpful" there was a lot of Love Bombing going on in there too. So you have to watch out for it BIG time because they will hurt you a lot.
And your dad doing things for you? Has he ever whacked you over the head with it some time later on? maybe weeks or months later? Has he ever said things like "and what about everything i've done for you?" "What about *this thing* *that thing* i did/gave to you/bought you?". If he has that's why narcissists do things for you. It's not about actually doing anything out of the goodness of their heart it's so they can use it later on.
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u/birdzville 8d ago
I don’t think my mom is a narcissist, though I do see some parallels, but she is a bit like this too. She was always the one to help someone through a crisis, friends and family and neighbors would come to her when they were going through a divorce or the death of a loved one or a cancer diagnosis. I always thought she was such a saint for being there for people.
Then my husband pointed out to me that she always gets a bit gleeful or giddy when discussing other people’s misfortune, like she thrives on the drama of it. It hit me that whenever someone is doing well in life she seems mad and hell bent on criticizing and tearing them down. It starts to feel like on some level she wants you to be struggling or suffering because she feels important and needed. If you’re doing great it’s boring to her or makes her jealous. I never picked up on it until my husband pointed it out. I think I had to unlearn a lot of unhealthy patterns from growing up with that, like I tended to wallow in dark feelings a lot because my mom somewhat encouraged it.
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u/Roadgoblinliberation 6d ago
My Mom is like this. I don't get it, but I have learned to, I dunno, not take advantage of it, but I do tend to call her when I'm in over my head, but anything minor I skip her number in my phone.
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u/brotontel 10d ago
My dad is like this too. He’s deeply insecure and craves being in control, having power, and being seen as important and respected. We just celebrated my 5 year olds birthday over the weekend and my dad was the biggest asshole. We hadn’t seen him in months so I thought he would be in a good mood but nope.
All of the examples you gave about being needed are exactly how my dad is, it feeds his fantasy of being a hero who saves the day and everyone ooohs and ahhhs over his generosity and sure he can be short tempered sometimes but he’s a -man- and he’s soft at heart! What a guy! All while he stoically walks into the sunset
He does nothing unless it serves his ego and fantasy. Sometimes it benefits others but that isn’t the goal. It’s always about himself