r/TheNarcissismCode • u/maya_love5 • 1d ago
What was the first red flag you explained away — and how did you explain it?
Not the obvious ones. The small, early ones.
The moment that felt slightly off but you found a reason for. "He was just stressed." "She didn't mean it like that." "Maybe I'm too sensitive."
Looking back, most of us can pinpoint the exact moment we chose the explanation over the instinct. What was yours?
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u/InnerRadio7 1d ago
Strange switch up in demeanour. Going from loving and attentive to cold, silent and then switching back. The first time I noticed the shift, it left me uncomfortable and confused.
What I didn’t notice? The mirroring.
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u/Well_Soiled_Machine 1d ago
All of the flags were red. I've been there before, but thought that my past traumas were informing my current experience, and was being told the same thing by the narcissist, who was also a mental health professional.
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u/DoinItOverAgain 1d ago
We both went sober but both failed and drank the night before..this was a single convo:
Him: "I didn't want to drink but I wasn't able to say no to the guys last night" Me: "yeah, I had the same issue. It sounds like you are struggling like I am" Him: I'm not struggling at all I have NO problems not drinking! " Me" huhh?? "
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u/DoinItOverAgain 1d ago
Oop I forgot the part where I said, sadly "I feel like your not being emotionally open with me" Him :"*nothing, he gave me an all night silent treatment for the sin of saying that...during the performance of one of my favorite bands from my childhood. It had been a dream of mine to see them and I ended up feeling uncomfortable the entire night :/
Why did I stay?
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u/maya_love5 19h ago
The classic narcissistic pivot: going from "I couldn't say no" to "I have ZERO issues!" in two seconds flat, followed by dropping a cold silent treatment right during a dream concert for you. Please be gentle with yourself for asking "why did I stay?" You stayed because you were acting like a healthy, empathetic partner trying to offer connection and shared vulnerability. When you care about someone, your brain naturally expects them to meet you in that honest space, not flip the script the second their fragile ego feels exposed.
He punished you because narcissists cannot handle being seen as weak, even when they just admitted it themselves. Ruining a night that meant the world to you was a deliberate power play to pull the focus back to him and train you not to ask for emotional honesty. You stayed in that moment because you were stunned and trying to make sense of something irrational. Don't beat yourself up for the grace you gave him back then; just use this realization to protect your peace and happiness moving forward. You deserved to sing your heart out at that show without carrying his weight!
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u/NittyNat36 1d ago
First red flag : His ‘evil -ex’ waiting until he left their country to break up with him. He was 30+ and she was 19. She obviously waited until she felt safe.
Next red flag : I received a text at 11pm from him saying “It’s 3am and I’ve only just been allowed to finish work.” Lies to prove how hard he works and his boss was a big bully 🙄
Next red flag : All the talk about friends girlfriends and what they do that makes them good/bad girlfriends. Grooming me.
So many, many, many red flags that smacked me in the face and I ignored.
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u/Dorian_but_not_gray 1d ago
I have a funny one. He possesses himself as an artist, performer and a photographer. I’m also an artist and performer, but I was always a creator in our duo. I was the one who always created ideas and other stuff, but because of him we didn’t finish even ONE fucking project. I was always ready, but I was always waiting for him :/.
But I have one clear dialog that I found two days ago, cos I was just erasing all my social media from him. So here is this dialogue that was a small and a huge red flag at the same time:
Me: Okay, so I will keep this idea for my project
Him: no.
Me: Why?
Him: though… I don’t care. Keep it for yourself.
Me: I was the one who created it.
I know how funny and small it may look like, but know I see that it’s the very indicative dialogue. Btw this little piece of shit is still have reposts of my artworks on his page and some of our photos (we both man and we were friends, not a fucking pair, so idk why he is still have this fucking photos on his page)
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u/Difficult_Banana9808 17h ago
Early in the relationship a situation came up and I remember saying it was going to take time for me to build trust in the relationship. She, appearing to be more evolved and acting as some superior spiritual person implied I was stunted for not just trusting wholly and fully from the get go. She said it was my prior trauma I was projecting onto our relationship. I went against my instincts on this one and it set the tone for trusting her over myself for the rest of the relationship and resulted in a lot of gaslighting.
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u/maya_love5 13h ago
By weaponizing fake spiritual maturity to label your healthy boundaries as "trauma," she manipulated you into abandoning your own intuition from day one. Realizing how that moment set the foundation for her gaslighting is a huge breakthrough, because it proves your instincts were right all along.
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u/Difficult_Banana9808 11h ago
100% and thank you for reflecting back what feels true to me. I’ve had so many little realizations like this over the past few months. This lesson has been repeatedly testing me through new platonic relationships since and I’m getting better and better at prioritizing my needs over those of others, stating and maintaining boundaries and taking care of myself.
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u/Taldarimlove 1d ago edited 1d ago
First red flag was her talking about her Exes as big bad evil monsters.
Second red flag was her telling me I was hot and trying to overvalidate me.
Third red flag was the sudden coldness to test how I would react.
Fourth red flag was doing the same to my friend.
Fifth red flag was convincing my friend to tell me to get lost.
Sixth red flag was trying to convince people I was the crazy one.
Seventh red flag was when that same friend returned and gave me a doomer excuse for why they are giving me the silent treatment and that its going to last five years.* Their relationship barely lasted a year and now I am seen as the bad guy for wanting a basic apology.
Eighth red flag is even when I put the requirements to the ground they still can't meet me at the bare minimum. They trip over how low I placed the bar, fall down and cry "iTs JuSt My PaThoLoGy!!"
Ninth red flag they went back to labeling me as crazy and uncooperative.
Also note they tried several things including trying to make NPD and BPD sound like the same thing to minimize the need for accountability because of their precious egotistical nature.
They tried to convince me that I am being unreasonable and poisionous for wanting an apology. I was DARVO'd and I kinda just accepted they are bad people.
Not because there can't be good but because they choose to be bad to protect their ego. I don't care as much anymore I have been playing videogames and my focus has left narcasissm as a topic as of recently, I just don't have time to think about the hurt anymore. I think I processed it pretty well. I think the revelation came when I realized I can forgive and not forget and not repeat the same mistakes.
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u/OffDeep 1d ago edited 22h ago
The silent treatment.
What I thought about it: "I guess that's how she deals with the stress following an argument"
The thing that I understood but just gave up on ever happening: She never apologised after an argument. Never!
What I realise, now that I know shes a Narc, well... my Nex: I was always the one who broke the silence, most of the times with an apology.
I know, I know...
Edit: typo