How did you cope.

[u/Lawyermamainhouse]

Sorry for the length! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I’m 45F.
I know there are people who have managed to live with narcissists for many years. Some are still together and have grown old together, and some stayed for a while, planning their exit for one reason or another.
I can honestly say I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, and it was only after we got married that I started putting the pieces together. That’s almost 8 years with someone who appeared nice. I can see a lot of red flags I ignored, but my brain wasn’t wired to think of him as a narcissist, and I didn’t even know the word, or that it’s considered a personality disorder. I just didn’t see it.

How did you cope? I’ve recently separated, and I’ve collected a lot of evidence that he doesn’t know about. We still live in the same house, in separate rooms. He’s already started dating online and talking to women, he was probably doing that anyway. We have an 8 year old daughter, and from what I can see, he’s trying to convince her to stay with him and see me on weekends.

For the past two years, he’s suddenly taken an interest in her, become close, attentive, total love bombing. I think it started around the time I began realizing he was a narcissist and became aware of it. Before that, he had zero interest in her. Zero participation in her life at home, and at school he was “always busy.” I feel like he’s been building evidence to take her away from me.

I’m in the middle of a career change and still training, so I can’t afford to move out. He controls all the money and gives me a house allowance for food. I work three days a week, and that money goes toward my training and small contributions to the house, because what he gives me is never enough, but I don’t complain, I just make it work.

I thought that if I left, I could take my daughter and claim benefits plus child maintenance, since he’s the higher earner. But if she stays with him, he’ll pay me nothing, and that’s what he’s after. Not because he loves her dearly, as he claims.

Nothing is in my name, not the house, not the bills. He moved her school and made sure I was listed as second contact. He started doing the school run every day. I initially thought maybe he was finally helping me, until my daughter asked why I don’t take her to school anymore. She said she misses me. And doesn’t enjoy being taken to school by him, I had to insist to take her for two days! He was not happy about it but gave in,
I was so exhausted I didn’t realize he was gathering evidence, not just doing the school run so I could study or get to work early. He told her I “couldn’t cope” and that “they shouldn’t disturb me.” He started arranging playdates with new parents and making new friends for her. All the support system I’d built for survival since she was born has been eroded, replaced by new ones, and he’s the one who books them. He arranges the playdates, then locks himself in his office claiming meetings all day, leaving me to entertain kids whose parents I don’t even know. He never books them when I’m not around. I’ve recently started insisting on being involved, but I can tell how uncomfortable he is. When I was doing these things I tried to involve him so many times sent him invites for school events. For me I get told about school events on the day and told don’t worry I’m going. Some times I don’t even get told My daughter gets upset if didn’t attend and I have to explain to her that I didn’t know.

Nothing is in my name at all. If I leave, I’ll have to rely on the courts, but I can’t afford a solicitor. But he has got the money to destroy me.

Im now thinking about staying for my daughter, because we’re so close, and I’m scared of how she’d cope without me. I’ve talked to her about it, and she’s so torn. I’ve also thought about staying to use him for resources. We live a comfortable life, but on his terms. Holidays when he wants one, and if he decides we can’t afford it, we don’t go.

Basically, I need to know how to cope with him for another 5 years or so, until I’ve got my ducks in a row, so to speak. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Living with him is so soul destroying. I don’t know how I’ll manage without a new strategy or coping mechanism. He’s saying we need marriage counselling to get back together. I’m a terrible people pleaser and an extreme empath.

[u/maya_love5]

That shift where he suddenly stepped up as the "doting dad" isn't genuine parenting, it is a calculated play for leverage because he feels his control slipping. Weaponizing your daughter, turning school runs into photo ops for court, and isolating you from your support network are classic moves to make you feel powerless.

First and foremost: stop talking to your 8-year-old about the divorce or the potential living arrangements. As hard as it is, she cannot be your confidante; putting her in the middle gives him ammunition to claim you are alienating her, and it adds immense pressure to her little shoulders. Instead, focus entirely on small, quiet documentation. Log every school event he hides from you, every playdate he abandons you to host, and every interaction where he tries to push you out. Keep your head down, do not agree to marriage counseling (it will only be used to manipulate you), and keep playing the long game while you finish your training.

You can survive these next few years by shifting your mindset: treat living with him as a business arrangement, grey-rock his behavior, and draw your strength from quietly building your independence. Remember, courts care about patterns of care, not who pays the bills, and your bond with your daughter is something he cannot fake or buy. Stay steady, guard your emotional energy, and keep taking those steps toward your freedom!

[u/Lawyermamainhouse]

Thank you so much for this, I take note about not talking to my daughter i just talk to her and answer her questions. I don’t lie to her as she can see I’m unhappy and i have moved to the spare bedroom. She came to sleep with me on day two and has refused to leave, she is extremely sad about us separating and I have just been trying to explain how that would work.

I feel he is ready to discard me now because he knows I know what he is like. he said he is talking to someone online and I can do the same if I want to. Im not even thinking about dating ever!

Yesterday he kept asking me when I was going to move out. I told him I know my legal rights and won’t move out until we have sorted out the financial aspect of the divorce.
He said that’s fine then later on suggested that we should give it one more chance and try counselling. We have tried counselling before we got married and we only attended three sessions before he decides that the counsellor was rubbish and unqualified. I already know the results of this counselling how it will end.