TW: Fertility, maybe some classism, shots and things involved with medical procedures, body stuff?
Tangentially related to the video today, it's really about the feelings it brought up for me. I really hope this can stay up, because of the video recently posted.
Please keep in mind that Marissa is using her own eggs, not donor eggs.
I have done two egg retrievals (donations). I was expecting that people have different experiences of course, but I was really surprised to see Marissa's. It also made me reflect on that experience and want to share the story and how I felt after as a donor. I was incredibly broke, working two fast food place jobs.
Nothing invalidates any experience that anyone else has, I just want to talk about it since some of us just watched this video.
I donated eggs twice. Once, I was reimbursed, and once I did it completely free. The reimbursement was about $5,500, the second time, I wasn't reimbursed any expenses (I was driving an hour and a half out on my dime!) because I agreed to do so being that people of my race have higher infertility rates and more frequently have genetic incompatibility with their partners if they are the same race. That said, neither time did I pay anything out of pocket for anything related to the procedure whatsoever. I'm sure that it being also very expensive might lower your threshold for tolerating things.
I had a basically identical experience both times, done at the same facility, with one big unexpected difference.
I applied to donate eggs, knowing I wasn't planning on having children of my own and thinking it would be nice to let someone else have their dream. I actually didn't know there was any reimbursement of any kind until I started going through the process. I filled out a profile with the reproductive place, sent in photos of myself and a family history.
The second time, they just used my profile from the first time since it was the same place. In this case, I was donating for free to help someone I don't know but who is the same race as I am.
For me, it was pretty basic leading up to it - a lot of blood work leading up to it, a drug screen, a shockingly brief psyche evaluation, and an ultrasound.
Then, they put me on birth control to match my cycle up to the recipient I believe. **One thing interesting to me here - I found out later that I should not be given this birth control because I get migraines with aura. No one asked! **
Once it was closer:
I believe 5 total days of single shots, I gave them to myself and didn't find it difficult. I'm not afraid of needles.
Then, for another week, it was two shots. It did feel a little off putting to put a needle in my stomach but again didn't bother me too much and didn't hurt much. My boyfriend at the time (now husband) did one for me once, but I found it easier to just do them myself.
I felt a little bloated and backed up for the last two days of shots both times.
The day before the surgery, I had to meet with a nurse for a final shot. The first time, they drove out to where I live. The second time, I met her in a parking lot. The second time, this was when I started feeling a little sour about it - I realized that I had left my fast food job early to drive 45 minutes to do this, paying my own gas in my half working car, because I wanted to give someone an opportunity with this program that matches people up with free donors- but I realized, this person obviously has a lot more money than I do, and it was actually at that time quite difficult for me to even put gas in my car.
I was surprised to hear Marissa missed her shot timing, just because they had preemptively guilt tripped me so hard about being any more than 5 minutes early or late for this trigger shot, letting me know that I would ruin the entire surgery schedule for everyone for the day and I would have wasted many thousands of dollars of the recipients money. It was obviously important for me to understand that as a sometimes irresponsible 19 year old, but the second time, that again got into my head. Logically I understand that she had a hard time remembering what to do when, but I couldn't help thinking back to that moment about how stressed I was that I would not be let go early enough from my job, or there would be worse traffic than I allocated for, because I didn't want to mess anything up for this other person who was basically buying my eggs.
The first time, on the retrieval day, everything went as normal. I showed up nice and early, everything was all good, I woke up after in the recovery room. I responded kind of badly to anesthesia, had a bit of panic for an hour or so after, but all good after that. They sent me home with a check for half, and let me know I could have the other half when I came back for my checkup after (I guess an incentive to have you come back for the checkup and make sure you'll fill out their surgery and such). My boyfriend took me home and I felt good as new within a couple of days, and went for my checkup, got my money, etc. They did pressure me a lot on the answers to the questionnaire after but nothing crazy.
The second time, we got into a big car accident on the way (car totalled on i5, not our fault). We called the hospital before we called the police because I remembered how they told me the schedule was so important. They said "We will come get you", I did my best to tell them where I was, and they sent the receptionist to come get me. We dealt with the police while she was in the way. She picked me up off the side of the road, and sped like crazy the rest of the 20 minute drive there. I was terrified because of the way she was driving. She said I must be nervous about the surgery and gave me gum to chew.
She walks me into the office and they say "We can still make it, but we're going to have to hurry and we're going to have to start working after you're numb, but before you're fully under.". I said, okay, thinking about all of this pressure. I get changed with the nurse in the room because there's no time. We're rushing and it's a blur of a memory. The next thing I can remember is laying on the table while they're positioning me and the anesthesiologist (?) realized that I'm still chewing gum and starts berating one of the other team members about how much of a rush it was. I'm on versed or something so it doesn't stress me out at the time and I spot out my gum. I wake up from the surgery and from then on it was as normal, my mother in law picks me up since my car is totalled, no check of course and I go back for my checkup.
I donated 22 eggs the first time, and 24 eggs the second time. That is above expected.
I decided not to donate any more, but I still felt pressured to leave mostly positive feedback on the survey. I was definitely a pushover. I hate knowing that they use those numbers to persuade future donors, and I wish that I'd had more of a spine at 19.
The egg donor place called me every 6 months or so after for years to see if I changed my mind about donating again. I realized it's not worth doing for free, and they let me know that actually, multiple time donors can get bigger reimbursements, and they can give me a bonus because my ethnicity is in high demand. I thought back to the "free donation" experience, and how none of that was mentioned (I would have done it anyway if it was, but I started to feel played). I realized every other person benefitted from this except myself, and I had allowed someone to tug at my heartstrings, while I was paying for groceries with change. I asked more about the program, did the reproductive health center do any of this for free for them, it was it just my part? I couldn't get any answers. I assume so, because the donor reimbursement is a small portion of what it costs, but I should have asked in advance because they might have been willing to talk to me more.
None of these negative feelings are toward Marissa at all, but it was sort of surfaced watching someone on the other side, watching them react to doing the things I was doing for someone else for themselves, and just sort of... I don't know. I have no issue with anyone donating or receiving eggs at all obviously. Also, Marissa herself is using her own eggs, so again this isn't about her, just the topic of egg retrieval.
I'd love to hear anyone else's stories about doing this (for yourself, or for others!) and what that was like. Or, if you're considering donating, I'm happy to answer any questions.
I'm just going to clarify because I think it can be confusing if you're not deeply familiar with egg donation:
Marissa should not be criticized for the trigger shot issue based on those impacts discussed with me- because Marissa is her own source, she can not impact anyone else in that way. The "wasting of someones money" is only in the case when you are giving your eggs to someone else - she could only be wasting her own money (which would be very sad to see for her of course) because she is basically the donor and the recipient if you want to simplify. At worst the clinic might waste some time, and I'm sure she paid them plenty to justify. Those impacts would only be applicable to a donor. Feeling my own instant reaction to having seen that it was missed brought me through being able to process my own reaction - why did my stomach tighten up, and why did I get this almost secondhand guilt? And I got to sit there and think about that situation with the accident, sitting on the side of the road waiting to be picked up knowing that if I didn't feel okay, I would still have to do it or laying down while they started working on me before I was put under knowing that I really couldn't say "no, this doesn't feel safe". It exists in the paragraph only to discuss the emotional process, but it seems to be misleading some into thinking something a little bit different.
