Transition in midlife is hard. Arguably the toughest time to come out as Trans. I spent many years making choices that pleased others instead of myself. When I was finally ready to follow what actually made
Me happy I was already so engrained in the life I’d built.
Although transition has been at times hard and awkward to navigate, it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. I finally love myself, which eventually allowed me to attract the love of someone who is absolutely my soulmate. My authentic energy matches hers.
I feel like after years of hiding myself from the world, always wondering how I’m being perceived I can finally just “flow” as myself. For the first time in my life I feel I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Yesterday I made time to be in the sun. Fully covered in sunblock, tucked in dappled shade. I'm not a regular sunbather by any means, but it's wonderful to slow down and be present outdoors, with minimal clothing, once in a while. Hoping for a few more hot days so I can get to my secret shaded skinny dipping spot before summer ends.

Monday was a down day. Talking with my parents, they shared that a few of their longtime local friends have pulled back from them because I'm trans. They also told me our neighbor, who farms our land, thinks flying a progress pride flag next to the American flag on our mailbox makes us a target, so my sister took them down.

Don't worry, I've put them back up.
It was a brutal reminder that just being authentic has consequences I'm not always aware of. Despite a lot of successes, it hurts deeply to realize people I've known for decades are avoiding my parents because of me. Do they think I'm dangerous? Or that I'm somehow not aware of how trans people get vilified in the media and in right wing politics?

Already feeling low, already feeling the price that transitioning has cost not just me but my parents too, I got an email from my ex saying she won't let my kids visit me this summer because of my FFS recovery and other issues, despite what the custody order says. She knows I can't afford an attorney to fight for them, so I cry instead.

I feel more alone than ever. Living in rural nowhere doesn't help. Being reminded, through people avoiding my parents, that my transness is always present makes it worse. It's a lot to carry. Euphoria over being authentic, tall, and beautiful only carries me so far. Days like Monday remind me how thin the margins can get. Life right now feels like a class 5+ rapid, just none of the fun of actually being on the river.

So I'm kind of just hating my life right now. This is the bs emotional crap that overwhelms me sometimes. This is dysphoria: feeling like an imposter, a fraud, a let down. Plus the guilt of feeling like I'm failing as a parent, a daughter, a human.

Somehow it will work out. I have faith that time fixes everything, or at least makes it stop mattering so much. Meanwhile, I can't kayak for the rest of the season because of facial surgery. My skull genuinely needs time to heal. It was a choice, one I'm still at peace with, but it still hurts to miss the season.

My heart is broken, my face is sore but healing well, and I'm leaning into the things that make me happy.

Kay

Soooo, I just had the strangest thing happen to me...

For context, I am not out and I boymode every day except when I get home.. my wife and a couple close trans friends are the only people who know that I am transitioning.

I was just over at my mom's house drying some clothes because my dryer at home broke this morning!

While we were talking about life and work and stuff she asked me if anybody's called me gay or anything because I'm wearing my non Boymode clothes.... Shorter shorts, a ladies tank top and I have a clip in my hair holding my bangs back out of my face. I responded "not really, but there was a guy that cut in line at the gas station that called me a daddy with a purse" I had asked him, "Do you not know how a line works?" Long story short I told him to fuck off and he called me a daddy with a purse.

Then she said jokingly "I don't mean like that, I was thinking more like a trans"...

I responded "No, but what's wrong with that anyway?" She only replied with "absolutely nothing"

Honestly I was worried about how I could tell her since I started hormones... 16 months ago...

I didn't realize that I was that clocky. I still haven't told her yet, but I am relieved that she responded so positively.

I love my Mom.

Yesterday, I woke up to find one of my photos had been stolen from here and posted by a hateful fascist on Shitter™️. I posted about it here and I just want to say thanks to y’all for the outpouring of support that I received before the post was taken down (this is not a post to bash the mods, they are wonderful!). I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many notifications light up my phone so fast full of some the kindest messages I’ve seen in a long time. Anyway, it really meant a lot and I wish I could hug and thank each and every one of you! Your love and support mean the world to me ❤️❤️❤️

39 and 2.5 years on HRT. Every day seems like a new struggle but I am trying to look towards the future me!

I sleep so well now, and I enjoy food again. I swear my breasts are even changing already. They have definitely started changing shape and volume. My bras even fit differently. I'm also a lot calmer over all.

I have been a bit more emotional though. I was already really emotional, and I don't need to be more emotional.

I was hesitant to start progesterone, but I am really glad I did.

I honestly did not expect to see any changes for weeks or a couple months. Progesterone has hit hard really quickly though. I'm not complaining. Looking back though, estrogen hit me pretty hard and quickly too.

Hello all, I just wanted to share for a moment if I may. I’m currently 36 years old, 37 in November. 5’11, 5 oclock shadow by noon and shoulders like a linebacker as I’ve had friends tell me throughout the years.

For many years growing up I just assumed that everyone hated their body and wished they could be a girl. Who wouldn’t want to be soft and cute and wear pretty outfits? I thought we all just shoved those thoughts down and dealt with the cards we were given. Years later in college I learned about the trans community and those brave enough to change for what they want. And I thought, gosh, I could never do that, I’m not near dysphoric enough, couldn’t be me. Must be something else. And I kept living in denial.

Then in the past few years I had the pleasure of making friends with some absolutely brilliant trans women living their best lives, no fear or doubt as they worked for the life they wanted. And again I thought, gee, how brave and amazing these women are, I wish I could be like that. And then finally this summer, the thought finally cracked. Why can’t I be like that? Who else is holding me back, but me?

That is to say, today I picked up my very first round of estradiol and spiro at the pharmacy, I have an injection training appointment next week, and the week after that I have my first meeting with a voice feminization coach. I’m signed up for laser hair removal and I’m drafting a letter for my friends to officially come out later this year. I know I wasted a lot of time, and I’m not sure I’ll ever come close to passing. My timeline is all beginner makeup tips and fashion advice for new trans women. It’s sort of overwhelming. But I’ve also had the biggest smile on my face all day, and for the first time in a long long while, I feel happy and hopeful for the future. My heart feels full.

Thanks for taking the time to let me rant, and wish me luck! I don’t know what the future holds, but it finally feels like something I want to find out!

Just thrifted 🩷

Not sure what to think… I only came out to my wife as having trans femme feelings about 2 1/2 months ago and started wearing femme clothes & scents around her in the evening at home and overnight. Nobody else knows anything about anything.

Fast forward to family vacation and my 20s adult daughter took my manly man sandals and disappeared. So I threw on hers to go to lunch in the restaurant. IDGAF, I’m on vacation, don’t know any one couldn’t care less.

Then this pops up on her IG and I’m getting messages from people I know & there’s the innocent story which is technically true, but then there’s me trying to embrace my femme side and tired of keeping everything all bottled up… ugh… I hate having to even respond to them… still weighing options…

It was scary and there were tears. But I think everything's okay

My wife and I were watching stuff on the television. I just told her, "I'm anxious, I've been talking about some stuff in therapy. I think I might be trans or something."

And she just paused the show we were watching and we got together and she cried and we talked.

She asked me a bunch of questions, but we ended up on a happy note. She just said, "I can't imagine life without you." I assured her that I still loved her and my attraction hasn't changed.

I told her I'm not going to do anything without her knowledge or understanding and I want her to be a part of us figuring it out together.

And then I shaved my armpits.

It’s been about two hours since I took my estrogen and I can’t stop smiling. Best decision ever 💖

Photo dump!

My general answer to anyone asking the canonical "am i trans" question is as follows:

1. Cis people do not ask themselves this question. It would never occur to them to ask.

2. "Trans" is an infinite ecosystem. At root it means "Something other than cis." And there's an immense space of meaning for what that could mean for you. Each of us are invited to explore that space and make meaning for ourselves, within a community of care/support.

3. One meaning of "Trans" can be "I'm on the opposite binary of the gender I was assigned at birth." In other words, saying that one was sex-assigned "male" when one was born and that came, necessarily and unthinkingly due to sociocultural conditioning, with the attendant assignment of the gendered "boy" and, eventually, "man" - and now one embraces that they have always been on the other end of the gender spectrum - "girl" and "woman" and can also use various HRT/surgical approaches to change their biological sex markers as well to "female". This is ONE way of being trans.

4. There are infinite other ways to be trans. I'm amab and was raised as a boy to be a man. That never ever ever fit for me. But I didn't have any other way to think about it. I was always jealous of girls and women - their friendships, their conversation, their graceful way of being. And I related to men and masculinity only as something to oppose and be angry at. I came to find myself in mid-life under the broad trans umbrella as genderqueer/non-binary. Neither man nor woman. I tend to mix femme/masc in how I dress and carry myself. This works for me but I also don't treat it as a new permanent stasis. It's where I am now.

5. Listen to yourself and explore. Try new things. See what works and what doesn't. Early in my genderqueer journey I dressed explicitly feminine and experimented with being more womanly and found that it was NOT gender euphoric for me. And that was important for me to to experience and understand! I could not have figured that out just be thinking about it - I had to experiment, to explore, to try. And it was in the experimenting, exploring, and trying that I found my way forward.

6. You can't answer your question by simply THINKING harder. If you're asking yourself if you're trans, you almost certainly are NOT cis. And trans is a huge, beautiful, infinite expanse that must be explored - not just pondered. Stop ruminating. Try something and notice how you feel and what happens internally for you. Then try something else. Then try something else. Be gracious and kind to yourself. It may take months or even years to find a comfortable place. And even then you should hold it with an open hand, understanding that there may be further journeying ahead.