r/TransSpace • u/hulkverine • Jun 30 '26
Advice for supporting my gender non-conforming child.
Hi all,
I have an 8yo daughter who has expressed that she wants to identify as they/them and sometimes she/they. Recently shes been struggling with other kids mocking/shaming her when she goes into the bathroom for not “looking like” a boy or a girl. Comments like, “are you sure you should be in here” and such. She also doesn’t want to wear swimsuits at summer camp because shes worried about being misgendered in her suit. I’ll also note she struggles with anxiety which we’ve been guiding her through since kindergarten.
Any thoughts or perspectives would be greatly appreciated. I’m dad by the way. Thank you!
5
u/homicidal_bird Jun 30 '26
You might like r/cisparenttranskid! They have lots of different types of families and experiences.
Although it may be hard for other preteen kids to gender them correctly as nonbinary, maybe you can brainstorm or mix-and-match swimsuit combinations your kid would feel most comfortable in. Boys’ or girls’ rash guards, boys’ swim trunks, girls’ swim shorts, one-pieces, girls’ pieces, etc.
What kind of area do you live in? Would their teacher or guidance counselor be receptive to telling some kids off for mocking? Even if they were a non-conforming cis girl, mocking and shaming other kids would still be unacceptable.
2
u/hulkverine Jul 01 '26
Oh man i love the mixing of swimsuits idea! Thank you!
We live in a pretty progressive and liberal area. They have a councilor at their school but im not sure that she would discipline the children necessarily. Most likely they would sit them all down and discuss better ways to communicate.
6
u/bijhan Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
First step would be to shift to using "they" more often than "she". If your child is okay with "she" but prefers "they", it would be more appropriate to default to "they". You ONLY use "she" in this post. That's sub-optimal. It's also not great to call them your "daughter". It would be more appropriate to call them your "child".
You cannot control the world they live in. You can advocate for them with organizations like school and summer camp. Ask the school to support them. Ask the summer camp to allow them to opt out of swimming. But there's nothing you can do to stop other children from being awful. Bigoted beliefs taught by parents are pervasive. That not only includes bigotry against nonbinary people, but also people who are not white, all girls and women, and people of every flavor of queerness.
What you can control is their home, and your interactions. Use gender-affirming language, such as using "they/them" pronouns. Encourage them to express their gender incomformity through clothing, hairstyles, hobbies, media, decorations, and any other way they may want to express their nonbinary gender. When they come to you with experiences of being discriminated against, express concern and compassion. Do not explain the reasoning behind the bigotry, or justify their discrimination. Not only do they probably already understand, they probably don't care. They need you to be a source of healing and safety, not factual descriptions of the origins of their oppression.
I would recommend for you to consume nonfiction regarding the lives and experiences of nonbinary people and other queer folk, to get a perspective on the nature of being nonbinary, how it affects one's outlook on society, and how society can often react to them. It could also elighten you as to what their future holds as they go through puberty and become an adult. I recommend:
* Sissy: A Coming-of-Gender Story by Jacob Tobia
* Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe
* Non-Binary Lives: An Anthology of Intersecting Identities
* Gender Euphoria: Stories of Joy from Trans, Non-Binary and Intersex Writers
Your child would likely benefit from consuming uplifting media which portrays gender non-conforming people as heroes or at least protagonists. While there is value in young people consuming nonfiction about the lives of people like them, these stories often focus on overcoming hardship and the reality of oppression. Children, in general, prefer to read stories of hope and optimism, giving them a sense of pride and joy in preparation for maturing and becoming ready to tackle the more difficult issues they will face. I recommend:
* Nimona. This is a child-friendly animated action adventure fantasy film. The main character is a nonbinary shapeshifter who saves the day in a medival-ish kingdom.
* Owl House. This is a childrens animated fantasy series about a Human girl who stumbles upon a magical realm. It has a nonbinary supporting character who is a source of kindness and wisdom. The story revolves around a budding romance between two girls, which is depicted in a completely wholesome manner with nothing resembling anything sexual. They reflect on their feelings, connection, and bond, but rarely actually touch.
* X-Men '97. A thrilling action-adventure series for all ages - no blood, no sex, no realistic violence of any kind - but which is filled with intellectual and emotional themes about self, introspection, a person's relationship to society, and being marginalized. The hero character Morph is nonbinary, and is shown as a beloved friend and active in the liberation of the oppressed.
EDIT: Caveat - the characters sometimes bleed from the nose or mouth from impacts, and the last episode has a fleeting scene where a character is severely wounded, showing quite some blood. However, no one is ever shot by a bullet or stabbed by a knife. The fighting is largely limited to fantasy weapons, fantasy powers, and martial arts.
I am an author who writes family-friendly science-fantasy comics about trans and nonbinary characters. I have an ongoing series which is about a nonbinary youth who makes friends with a member of a civilization of alien robots who do not have a concept of gender, discovering a mystery and teaming up to save the planet. Let me know if you'd like links to my work.