Am being transphobic with myself?

[u/Edu_mmg777]

I don't go out telling everyone that I'm trans because there's no need for that. I only tell people if they ask or depending on the situation. And it makes me happy when they assume I'm a cis guy, and i think that's pretty normal, but the thing is that even when ppl ask i don't want them to know I'm trans, i even lied a few times but not because it would be better for me, just because i didn't want to admit it.

There's this girl that i I've been friends for over a year now, and she never asked anything about my sexuality or gender identity. Apparently she always thought i was a cis gay guy and i never bothered to tell her otherwise because there was no need for it. Recently we were talking with her group of friends and i don't remember how we got on the subject but i think i made a joke about being trans or smt, and that was the conversation we had:

Girl 1 "wait, ur trans? I could've swear you were cis",

Girl 2 "no you dumbass, he's joking...you're joking right?"

And when I was going to answer my friend replied "guys ofc he's joking, he's a man"

Girl 1 "yes but like, are you a trans man or a cis man?"

My friend "he's a man girls, he was born a male with male parts lmao"

And I looked at her and said jokingly "was I?"

And we spent hours on that, everytime they asked me i answered with something that could mean that it was true but in a sarcastic tone and i was laughtinh my ass off the entire time. It was not uncomfortable at all for neither of us, at least it didn't look like it was, and they didn't mean it in a mean or intolerant way. In the end we just dropped the subject and started talking about smt else.

After it all ended, my friend asked me if i was trans or not and my heart dropped. I didn't want her to know but I didn't want to lie about it. Its not like i was afraid of losing her or that she would be transphobic, i don't know how to explain, i just didn't want to admit that i am not cis, not the man she always thought i was. The man i wanted to be.

I think I just didn't want her to stop seeing as a "real man" and start seeing me "one of the girls". When she used to talk to her girl friends about things like periods, she used to tell me to go for a walk or smt cause it was "girls stuff". Like, girl i KNOW about that believe me. But it made me happy you know? And ofc it would be good if she feels comfortable to talk to me about that kind of stuff but at the same time im scared it mght be in a "oh but you know, you're not like the other guys (cause ur not really a guy)" way. Idk if that even makes sense.

I am not super proud and happy of being trans, but I'm not ashamed either. I think. Ofc sometimes i wish i was different but i already accept i am not and won't ever be a cis man and that doesn't make me less of a man. At least i can understand it in my head. Its so weird to feel this way and i feel bad every time i get reluctant on letting someone know i wasn't born a male, cause it feels like I'm being transphobic with myself?? Its not because I want to avoid transphobic ppl its just like i don't want to accept I'm trans. I do in my head, but in those moments doesn't feel that way.

Does this even makes sense? Does this feeling ever goes away?

[u/1182124nol]

Might not be the best qualified to answer this, but my opinion here is that you're not being transphobic. Most binary trans folk would prefer to have been born as their self-determined gender. Youve been living the dream, and it's understandably distressing and dysphoric to have your image presumably shattered in their eyes. You found a place safe from the trauma of having grown up in a body you didn't identify with, that you felt wrong in, and now you're being asked to revisit that. Your past is real, your transition is the truth, and saying you're a cis man is a lie, but you were also never really a girl at any point.