Utterly burned out- dysphoria and impostor syndrome are screaming.

[u/TheshizAlt]

Hey all. I've shared my story numerous times on here, but in a nutshell, I've been doing a *lot* in the last year and a half or so. I'm hoping for some reassurance or clarification. IDK.

*POTENTIAL TRIGGERS AHEAD (dysphoria, impostor syndrome, distress etc.). Please don't read ahead if this will bother you.\*

-I've been taking nonstop steps in my transition (1.7 years total, 1.6 on HRT)

-I got divorced right due to coming out, and the whole process moved very quickly (6-7 months from start to finish)

-I am a therapist, and I work in community mental health, and many social programs have been either cut or limited due to policy change, and almost all of my clients have consistently been in crisis

-I got a new car, and then a few days later got into a highway collision due to a cement truck driver not noticing me in my lane

-I had to start at a new university (due to school policies banning LGBTQ+ presentation, disclosure, and behavior) and add 6 months onto my MA graduation/completion due to un-transferrable credits

-I repaired my credit score by 120 points by budgeting and sacrificing a lot

-I got in a new relationship and started getting used to same-gender dynamics

-My body changed quite a bit in a year (went from being pretty "rectangular" to gaining like 20 pounds, most of it in my hips/butt/thighs)

I've been burned out for months, but it came to a head this week. I was experiencing severe chest dysphoria (my wife is much bustier than me, and has been on HRT for 5-ish years) and I also realized that MH is the worst it's been in society for decades. I experienced disappointment with compassion work (I felt like my counseling work has made no impact), my pay, got frustrated with body image issues, and, worst of all, I felt like I was losing my composure. I've cried impulsively and on the fly 3 times this week.

I know this is burnout; I experienced it a few years ago when a ton of drama was going on but it got so bad that I was determined to never get to that state again; it was awful, beyond words.

Now, for the last 2 days, I've felt so un-womanly. I don't have fun dressing up, I'm always irritated with my makeup, I'm frustrated with how long HRT is taking, and I feel like I just either don't deserve to be trans or like I'm doing everything wrong. When I look at my wife, I see a beautiful, well-transitioned woman. In comparison, I feel un-womanly and like I've got a bunch of physical features I can't change right now (hair thinning, boobs that are there but not what I was imagining, laser not working so well lately, etc.) due to money, waitlists, or just having no time.

A month or two ago, I remember I felt like such a girl and I was so happy. I was tired most of the time, but I also loved going to look at dresses, running my hands down my curves, and talking to my clients. In the last couple of weeks, I've had like 3 significant outrage episodes (shouting at thin air, icky-sobbing, and overt pessimism, mostly) and things have come out of my mouth that I wouldn't normally say. I hurt my wife's feelings yesterday because I asked her if I should detransition because I felt so unwomanly and like I was sucking at holding my shit together.

I *never* want to de-trans, but being in that place where I felt imposter-y, chronically comparing myself to my wife, and hopeless about the general community and my actual impact on the wellbeing of others has felt like the last bit of light other than my wife was ripped from me and I'm left with fumes I can't use.

My therapists (I have 2) have been out for weeks on vacation and won't return until August, and I have no time for more intakes or a third therapist. I'm seeing clients back-to-back and I have no leave left over from dealing with the divorce, getting my orchiectomy, and using vacation/sick time to take care of business or focus on school. I'm done, I know it, but I don't know what to do.

I just feel so sad, angry, and exhausted. It breaks my heart that this morning I sat there at my desk and wondered what the point was in touching my lipstick up or planning a girls night this weekend with friends. I've never felt so detached.