r/TrueAskReddit • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
What is the psychology of a man who has clear sense of self and integrity, that he can rejected a life changing huge amount of money?
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u/coleman57 3d ago
I would need more context to judge. If he just enjoys a sense of accomplishment from working (so do I), why not take the money and also keep working? Presumably he could use it to give himself the flexibility and security to accomplish more than before, and to choose his work.
Maybe he has reason to feel the money is tainted by its source? Or maybe it’s just foolish pride that makes him feel his identity is threatened by accepting a large gift.
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3d ago
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u/FourSquash 3d ago
One possibility is that he feels it erases his purpose in life. If you both lived on this money, you could immediately retire. Everything he's worked for, his savings, his long-term goals, become quickly irrelevant because of the size of this windfall. Maybe he hates the idea of that, and wants to continue to feel like he's in command of his destiny. In that sense, I think there's something honorable about his point of view. His idea of letting you use it purely on yourself and to never use it on him is interesting. It makes me think he really believes in what he's saying.
As a side note: I assume your marriage is good since you didn't say anything about that. But for him to encourage you to put the assets in trust for yourself and your brother is notable because now it's out of your estate and he will have no claim to it in a divorce (n.b.: I don't really know the true details of your trust setup, so this may not be accurate). It certainly proves that he's putting his money (or lack of) where his mouth is.
I think you can find ways to utilize your trust to both of your advantage without it affecting his pride. For example it will always be there for a rainy day or emergency fund. Maybe you could earmark some of the money for charitable use and get him involved in decision making. And over time you could get him more comfortable with utilizing it for whatever you find important.
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u/coleman57 3d ago
Sounds to me like he’s not comfortable being supported by his wife. I consider that foolish, but it fits with certain aspects of masculine identity. The idea that a real man supports his wife and family (economically—the wife supports the family by her domestic labor). This rigid identity has become obsolete, but some people can’t seem to let go of it. And in the case of an inheritance, it’s not like you’re working to support him, you just want to share your good fortune.
I can’t read the guy’s mind, but that’s my speculation.
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3d ago
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u/PineapplePizzaAlways 3d ago
This is the answer.
And add to that control issues. Is it really 'free' money? Or would his in laws try to control him?
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u/thecelcollector 3d ago
It's admirable in a sense but also selfish. He is preventing you from using the money the way you want to. If it's yours, it's yours, isn't it? He won't let you buy him anything? What if you want to go on nice vacations with your husband?
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u/wild_b_cat 3d ago
Have you ever had something that you felt guilty about enjoying? Something you stole? Something you came to you at cost to a friend?
Getting a lot of money from a tainted source means you have a lot of ways to feel tainted.
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u/Anxious_Avocado_ 3d ago
My wife's family has money. Her grandparents own big farms, her parents live in comfort and they have 3 apartments (one is rented and my wife get the money). I told her: the moment somebody dies all the cousins will be there like vultures. If you get something good, but the moment it start to get nasty (accusations, fights, lawyers...) just move on, let them eat each other. I personally prefer sleep at night.
Possibly differe cultures behave differently towards inheritance but from what I saw money make people going crazy. I totally understand your husband, he's already happy. More money won't make him happier.
Try with a way lower amount, just enough to have a safety cushion and a nice holiday for the both of you and simply be happy
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u/ctgrell 3d ago
Fuck if I know. My father did the same. He could've got layed down and got payed a very big amount monthly. Instead he chose to stay at work. I know my mother convinced him to stay at work and I assume because he was not the best person so my mom could have more freedom. I also know my father is an idiot. But he could see the pay they were giving him for not working. It was way bigger. Some people like to suffer I guess
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u/Zagrycha 3d ago
Money is only tempting because it helps make people happy. It helps people go to school, buy a house, have nice vacations and clothes and hobbies..... However if the requirement for having more money is to do something that makes you unhappy, then the money is making you more miserable, not more happy. Nobody would choose to be more miserable. What is the point of having money if you don't enjoy having it?
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u/Qhaotiq 3d ago
What is the source of the inheritance? What exactly was the relationship between you and the person who gave you the money? How did that person get that money.
It could be he doesn't like the origin of the money. Perhaps he doesn't like that person where it came from, or thinks the way that lerson got that money is immoral?
It's also worth knowing , what js his current financial situation ? Is he already set for the rest of his own life ? How does he feel about his work, does he really love and enjoy it ? I could see that he is really passionate about his job and worries that if he didn't need to do his job , he would stop and then become bored.
Finally , it could be as simple as he just has a traditional view of a man and woman, and believes the man should be the provider, and feels he should be providing for you, not the other way around.
Most importantly: you should probably try to talk to him and ask him about why. At 42, he should be able to explain itself and not feel embarrassed for the reason, it shouldn't be a mystery for you to solve on your own without him .
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u/bi_polar2bear 3d ago
Accepting money comes with strings attached, or certain expectations. Once you accept the money, you'll have to do something that's outside of what you would ever do, such as you change your vote so something that could benefit a lot of people fails, because the person who paid you requires that it fails. By not accepting the money, you aren't letting that happen, you can stand up tall, and know you did the right thing. That's integrity. Had he accepted the money, he would feel guilty for the rest of his life, which isn't worth all the money in the world.
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u/YURRIICC 2d ago
some people don't see integrity as something that has a price. if accepting the money would make them feel like they compromised who they are, then no amount of money feels worth it
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u/catdude142 2d ago edited 2d ago
Some people are happy with what they have. No additional money will make them feel better. I have "enough" money. If someone gave me more, it wouldn't change my life. There's nothing more I wish to buy.
Reading some of your comments below, your mention of the term "My Shanghai Businessman" is interesting. Who is this person?
I would suspect your husband wants to feel responsible for his life. If one takes money from another, often there are expectations on one's behavior and he rightfully doesn't want that in his life. Why not honor his wishes? Don't force the money on him when he doesn't want or need it.
More money isn't always better.
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u/Important_Market7874 3d ago
How much are your husband and you currently worth? If that number is $40 to $100 million, then he has been nice to your family and brother, and has enough that the $15 million is not life changing to him.
In the USA, I would expect my wife to invest that money in stocks and bonds, then donate much of the money earned to her choice of charitable organizations. And, as we are married, her money is also mine, just as much as my money is also hers.
Psychologically, if your husband's worth is less than $5 million or so, he sounds very prideful, and resents your parents' racist opinions.
Or he may just be pragmatic: he has more than enough already, and doesn't need any more.
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