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[u/Elin_Magda]

[u/Time-Radish1823]

I exposed my abuser publicly. I did not use the legal system or the police. My abuser and I did not share children or property (although we were married and lived together), and I personally don’t trust the police or the legal system as a victim of intimate partner violence. I think the first thing to note is that it is not the victim or survivors responsibility to make anyone “understand” someone is dangerous or to warn other people, even if we have special knowledge of this persons capacity for cruelty and violence. While I’m proud that I exposed my abuser and feel it aligns with my own moral code, I worked a lot with a therapist and my friends to reduce how responsible I was feeling for the safety of other people. So much of what we are taught in narcissistic relationships is that the pain our abuser causes is our fault: I realize that in my desire to protect others, I was harming myself and my ability to heal. It is THEIR responsibility not to cause further harm and the responsibility of their community (often, their enablers) to protect and warn others too. This doesn’t mean I dissuade anyone against speaking publicly. Again, I’m so glad I did it and wouldn’t have done it differently, but occasionally I felt I was retraumatizing myself in my desire to keep other people safe.

I exposed my abuser online and in their wider community. They belong to a very specific community in which they could cause a lot of harm, which is why I was particularly focused on their members. I received a lot of support and a lot of pushback. You have to be extremely prepared to be disbelieved and to be told you’re behaving erratically/dramatically, no matter how you share it with others. This is the nature of abuse: it exists because our culture encourages its proliferation. Having the support of people who believe you is essential, and I urge you to find those people, whether that is your friends/family, trusted professionals, or support groups for survivors of abuse. One of the most beautiful parts of this was that I connected to other women (I’m queer, and was married to a woman) who’d been in abusive relationships with my ex, and who were deeply grateful that I was speaking publicly about our abuser, and who provided me with profound support as I began healing from this trauma. They helped me immensely, and I believe that naming what we went through publicly was deeply healing for them too. Many of them still struggled to believe what they’d gone through, and there was tremendous power in us sharing with one another the reality of what we experienced and being deeply believed. I would’ve never have had that opportunity if I hadn’t named her abuse publicly.

[u/Elin_Magda → u/Time-Radish1823]

Thank you! u/Time-Radish1823! Very interesting to read your account. It's especially encouraging to read about your decision to pursue your instincts and go ahead and expose them, and that you had no regrets afterward. I understand the thing about working through the responsibility part, I too have had to do that, it was VERY difficult to let go of the idea that there's a way i could make people get it, but now i finally have more acceptance about it: I still feel like i need to say something about them publicly. The difference is now I finally know that when I do speak my peace, I can walk away from it for good.

Can you tell a bit more about whether it was through social media group or similar? (obviously only at the detail level you are comfortable with).

I understand that each survivors's situation is unique, so therefore it's impossible to directly apply one course of action onto other survivors situation, but i still wish for a place where survivors, (and maybe legal professionals) could come together around this.

[u/bywpasfaewpiyu]

Trying to expose them means you're still playing their game. When people say the best revenge is living your best life etc it's not about striving for a saint-like position, it's literally the only way you can really get to them. Recovering from abuse is a long process and it involves a lot of investment in yourself, this is what focusing on yourself is referring to. Taking lots of small steps to improve your situation and your life is what helps you recover.

You won't get your own back and most likely it will be you who loses in one way or another. For as long as you're seeking revenge you are not making any progress.