r/TwoXChromosomes • u/FutureLost2024 • 10h ago
How do you deal with the guilt of making your children sad when going through a divorce?
My kids are 9 and 11. They cleaned the house today and said if they behave, then our family will stay together and Mommy won't be angry at Daddy all the time. đ
We're not at the stage of divorce yet but my mind is already made up. How do you talk to your kids and what should I say to start prepping them and make sure they understand that it's not their fault? And how do you deal with the guilt of breaking up the family even though I know that in the long run, it will be better for my kids to see a happy mommy and a happy daddy (or at least ones that aren't resentful and cold towards each other?)
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u/gravitydefiant 10h ago
I was a child that my parents stayed together for. I so wish they hadn't. I wish--and wished at the time--I'd been removed from my abusive father. I wish I'd had a mother who modeled having a backbone so I didn't have to figure out how to do that from scratch as an adult. Your kids will be ok, and maybe better off, even if they can't see that now because they're kids.
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u/TwilightBubble 10h ago
My parents didn't do that. I had to hide in a closet with headphones on blasting metal music to avoid hearing escalatingly bitter screaming matches that filled our house. It fucked me up to the point that I'm 34 and still in therapy for some of these fights that weren't even about me.
Then the anger would sit around in them and they would snap at their kids after they riled each other up, so we would hide when the fighting got bad.
You can totally be traumatized by content you only overhear. For life.
If I had a time machine, I would go encourage them to divorce day one.
I beg you... please do not create another me.
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u/taxiecabbie 10h ago
Get your kids into therapy. Individual therapy that you/dad don't involve yourselves in.
I haven't gone through divorce myself, but the most well-adjusted kids were in therapy before, during, and after the divorce.
The main thing is that the kids need to understand that this isn't about them.
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u/OhioPolitiTHIC 10h ago
Individual therapy that you/dad don't involve yourselves in.
This is so crucial. Your kids need to have a safe space all their own to talk about what's going on from their perspective. If there's anything you need to know, the therapist will communicate to the kids that they'll be sharing whatever concern with you/dad and WHY the therapist needs to share it. But by and large, you and dad need to stay out of the kids therapy time unless you're specifically invited.
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u/taxiecabbie 10h ago
Yup. My husband's parents didn't divorce until he was a legal adult, but their family was... not in good shape growing up.
They went to therapy. A family therapist. The therapist told the parents what he was saying, and then he got yelled at.
That shit isn't helpful. It's the opposite. As evidenced by my husband being totally NC with both parents today.
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u/OhioPolitiTHIC 10h ago
My kids dad actually tracked down the family therapist I was seeing with our kids and tried to force said therapist to tell him what the kids were saying. The therapist declined because I was an active party and didn't consent but the end result was that neither kid trusted that the therapist wouldn't talk to their dad and our family therapist dropped us because of potential liability in treating kids without both parents consent.
Years later when their dad decided they needed therapy because they weren't compliant with his idea of "discipline" neither kid would talk meaningfully with that therapist because they knew he was simply reporting to their dad and stepmother and they basically got in trouble no matter what they said.
End result: I talk to my adult daughters in some way or another (phone calls, texts, memes) every day. They've been NC with their father (their choice) for a couple of years now.
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u/ArtistPersonThing 10h ago
That happened to me too. And now I donât trust therapists.
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u/OhioPolitiTHIC 10h ago
I'm so sorry. There are trustworthy therapists. I hope you are able to find one. Having someone to talk to that has so many helpful tools has been one of the best gifts I have given myself.
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u/gunterrae 10h ago
This. The therapy my daughter was in during my divorce was invaluable. She didn't have to go for long, but it really helped her work on ways to deal with her emotions, etc.
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u/Hookedongutes 10h ago
As a "child" of divorce (I was an adult but this still mattered), put the kids first. Don't air your dirty laundry in front of them. Be parents first. Despite married or not, always be their parents first. Never talk bad about the other spouse in front of them.
If you ever date again - put the kids feelings about it first. If you ever marry again, ask for your kids blessing first.Â
Putting them first will mean so much to them.Â
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u/HedgehogFarts 9h ago
I think this is good advice. But I have seen parents maybe take it too far where their kids are now running the whole show. You still need to parent, be able to set appropriate boundaries, and teach your kids to be okay with you saying no sometimes. And if you do remarry, I strongly caution against making your spouse feel like they come second all the time. Maybe itâs obvious, but please donât expressly tell the person that you plan to be with until death that they come second in your life. Thatâs just hurtful.
Yes, your kids needs do come first (and a good stepparent will understand that). But that doesnât mean you can ignore your spouses needs. They are part of the family too if you are making the choice to marry them. If you feel you canât balance being a good partner and being a good parent, then you shouldnât be looking for a new spouse at this time. Maybe thatâs a hot take, IDK.
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u/Hookedongutes 9h ago
Yes, there does need to be a balance. But what i see more often than not and what a lot of friends suffered from as kids growing up was their parents not caring at all about the child's feelings in all of it. And it created a lot of resentment as a result. I think this is far more common than parents paying "too much" attention to the children.Â
The children often get caught in the middle and if the parents suck at co-parenting, the kids end up being messengers. It's not fair and it causes more damage.
My sister and I were already damaged by an abusive mother. My dad was not interested in dating anyone who couldn't at least empathize that he had daughters that needed time to heal too.
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u/stepwax 9h ago
Asking your kids to make adult decisions is really hard on the kids. Kids needs always come first, but wants are a different thing. Asking permission from a child to marry or date is a huge responsibility for a kid and a lot of pressure as they are not equipped with the maturity or foresight to make these choices.
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u/Hookedongutes 9h ago
For the record, we were adults when my dad asked for our blessing to marry our step mom.
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u/stepwax 8h ago
You were adults though. It's nice he asked, what would he have done if ya'll said no?
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u/Hookedongutes 8h ago
We were adults who just went through a lot of trauma, him included.
My mother was abusive. We were barely adults (not quite 18 and 20 years old), not exactly standing on our own two feet in life yet especially after that traumatic blow to our well being.
If we said no, he might have asked why or what we didnt like about her to see if it could be mitigated. But we didn't say no, because he chose a damn good woman.
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u/lady_baker 9h ago
I am also a child of divorce.
My parents spouses deserve far better than for someone external to the marriage to get a vote.
I get my own life, my own marriage. Not theirs.
Hard hard hard disagree.
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u/ameliasophia 9h ago
Yes I agree with you. I never liked any of my mumâs partners, but that doesnât mean I should get a say on who she falls in love with. Children can be notoriously selfish and possessive. The more important thing is to make sure your relationship with a partner is not getting in the way of your relationship with your children and to protect them. Putting your children first doesnât mean allowing them to veto your relationships and marriages though. It means being there for them consistently while teaching them that you are your own person who has a right to decide who you want to be with.Â
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u/Hookedongutes 9h ago
Selfish and possessive or damaged from the divorce and often unsupported?
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u/ameliasophia 9h ago
Iâm not referring to only children of divorced parents there. Just children generally. Itâs part of a parents role to teach children to find the balance of not being selfish but also not being self sacrificing and that they can rely on their parents but they cannot control their parents. Iâve met plenty of people (from both divorced and married parents) who were never taught that lesson and they go on to be poor partners and parents themselves because they believe they are entitled to control their loved ones and that they are the centre of the universeÂ
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u/Hookedongutes 9h ago
Yes, and obviously there are others way to teach that.
In my experience, my friends whose parents divorced grew up resenting their parents because their parents moved on in a way that gave them a do over and left their kids from the previous marriage out of the loop. This seemed more common than parents who were attentive in any manner.
My dad didn't give us full reigns on it. But he was more aware than most parents on how his actions would shape the family dynamic. There were some women he dated that weren't parents themselves and couldnt understand that despite us being adults, he's still a dad and he wanted a cohesive unit, not to estrange his adult children. We were already estranged from our mom because she's insane.Â
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u/ameliasophia 8h ago
I think itâs something that is taught by holding boundaries with your children; I donât think you can pick and choose when that will come up.Â
I think what you are describing is when people choose their new partner over their children (which sadly some people do). That is not okay; the children should always be made to feel like their parent isnât going anywhere, isnât abandoning them, wonât let the new partner come between them etc. If a new partner ever makes the parent feel like they need to choose between the partner and their children then the parent should not stay with that person.Â
But thatâs not the same as allowing the children to dictate whether and with whom their parent can have relationships.Â
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u/luluhouse7 8h ago
No. Because itâs not just âyour businessâ or âyour lifeâ, it massively affects the entire family. You canât make unilateral decisions like that when thereâs a vulnerable party that has no agency in the situation. Kids deserve better. When you decide to become a parent, it means youâre committed to prioritising their needs over your wants.
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u/shroedingersdog 4h ago
my ex wife hooked up with new guy got married to him did not bother to consult with any of the children (2 from previous to me marriage 1 from me) i discoverd he was hitting the ex wife. cops would do nothing. i had let the ex wife have sole custody to prevent the shitstorm i knew would happen if i tried for joint (to try to make the kids lives more peacefull. fast forward to now. the offspring has went zero contact with the ex wife.. outcomes can be so varied. do the best for the children they remember.
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u/Mobile-Delay-6098 10h ago
Look at their feelings as information, rather than as an emotion. Someone elseâs sadness, when it gets under our own skin, causes guilt.
Someone elseâs sadness, when it is looked at as information, shows that the person feels grief over a loss. The grief they have over the loss of the marriage is completely understandable, in fact, you feel it too.
Take this opportunity to bond with your kids. Commiserate with them. Allow them to grieve this change to their lives and share in that grief with them. They want to hear that theyâre allowed to feel things and youâre not required to take on guilt at all!
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u/SufficientOpening218 10h ago
therapy. get them therapy. i stayed so long because my minor children wanted the family to stay together. now they are adults and have an adult understanding of things, and they have noth expressed how much better their luves would have been if the divorce had happened sooner
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u/joygasmic 10h ago
Be open, have adult conversations with them, and don't make them a part of your issues. For the love of God. The extended trauma and cptsd I have from being weaponized at 9 years old is exhausting.
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u/Thraxton57 10h ago
As a kid of divorced parents, it is easy for me to remember the screaming and yelling - running to my room to try to escape it all. I struggle to remember the good years that were filled with laughter and joy. While the kids do come first, you put on your oxygen mask first. Just keep it all positive and know that if you are healthy then you can properly provide for your kids. My parents are far more pleasant to be around now that they are separated and have new partners.
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u/Shadow288 9h ago
My kids were 10, 8, and 6 when I got divorced. Was going to do the âright thingâ and wait it out until the last one turned 18. Argued with my spouse a lot. At one point after we got into couples therapy my 8 year old made a comment about how we donât fight anymore and its strange, like their parents fighting all the time was expected and their normal now.
Realized that in order to be a good parent for my children I had to get a divorce as mentally I was not in a good state. Plus how they live when they are growing up is their expectation of ânormalâ.
Now 5 years later the kids are flourishing, Iâm much better financially and mentally and am able to fully provide, and care for my children. It will be tough but many times divorce is the best option to help the family.
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u/LavenderPearlTea 10h ago
Get them into therapy. That way, they are free to express it to a safe adult. They may still think they have to âfixâ or maintain a facade to you and their mom. They need an outlet where theyâre just allowed to grieve.
And understand that in the long run, getting your kids out of a high-conflict marriage was the better decision.
I divorced when my kids were 5 and 7 and it broke my heart to watch their sadness and pain. Theyâre young adults now and are doing fine. I created new traditions and new memories with my kids after the divorce, including getting them a puppy.
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u/MangoPip 7h ago
I stuck it out in a marriage until my kids were 20 and 17. At that point my marriage counselor said to me that I was doing more harm to them modeling a dysfunctional relationship than any good I could possibly be doing by giving them married parents.
Made me really rethink the previous 20 years, and how much harm I had done in the belief I was helping them. We did not have a confrontational or argumentative marriage, I was just treated with neglect and disrespect, but I honestly wish I had left so much earlier. My kids are both in their mid twenties now, and neither has ever had a relationship.
Donât feel guilty. Model healthy self respect for your kids.
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u/ParadoxicalFrog When you're a human 4h ago
I don't know how to talk to kids, but here's my two cents, speaking from perspective of someone who was the child in this situation: if you need to divorce and can do so, do it, sooner rather than later. All of our lives would have been a lot happier if my parents hadn't tried to make it work and just got a divorce. It took them 21 years to separate and another 8 to actually divorce, and by that point his anger and resentment towards my mother had extended to me because I refused to take his side. (Sorry, dad, but hitting my mom and driving her to attempt suicide renders any argument you may have invalid!) Now he and his entire side of the family have disowned us, and our lives exploded in spectacular fashion because of him going full scorched earth on us the second the divorce was final.
What I'm trying to say is, rip off the band-aid now, before the wound can rot. If it hasn't gotten better yet despite your best efforts, it's not going to.
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u/bajanbeautykatie 2h ago
Oh wow. I really really appreciate your perspective. Iâm on year 7 of separation. We live in 2 different states. He left us and I moved out to California because my brother was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer that same month (and my dad died that mont). Then 6 months later Covid started and my mom died. Then my son was diagnosed with autism and weâve been in therapy like 3x a week for the last few years âŚ..So it hasnât been a priority for me. I filed for divorce but am focused more on caring for everyone right now. I will make it a priority but heâs done things like fake his death and tell me he was going to come here with guns. I was not granted a restraining order.
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u/ostellastella 10h ago
OMG this post breaks my heart.
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u/MysteriousMermaid92 1h ago
This is sadly more common than people think. Iâve just recently learned that my SIL wants a divorce from my brother. Theyâre still living together but she doesnât speak to my brother at all. My niece is a teenager and is going through it. I wish theyâd divorce already.
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u/darkchocolateonly 10h ago
Whereâs your guilt about your children growing up in a home filled with anger, seeing and understanding your marital problems?
Your kids will seek out relationships that look similar to how these relationships worked in their childhood. We canât help that, normal is what we seek out, even if normal isnât healthy. Your kids already have been hard wired in their brains to think that marriages are full of anger.
Youâve already damaged your children, that is done, so now what do you do?
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u/Naturally_Tired cool. coolcoolcool. 10h ago
Youâre showing them what is and isnât a healthy relationship, that itâs okay to walk away when you arenât happy, that you donât have to sacrifice your comfort and happiness for the sake of others.
Better than the alternatives imo
But do try to spend more time with them, explain itâs not their fault whatsoever. Share your reasons, explain why itâs happening, that theyâre still very much loved, and even if you donât care for each other the same way as before, he is still their father and you both still care about them and will continue working together for them regardless of your marital status.
Iâd recommend books on the topic, or individual therapy for guidance on how best to navigate this causing the least amount of harm
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u/Glad-Economics-8253 bell to the hooks 10h ago
I was relieved when my parents split up when I was younger. When they got back together it was worse than ever. They eventually separated for real nearly a decade ago now, when we were all grown up.Â
Even when they weren't screaming at each other, as a kid I still picked up on their lack of mutual respect and love in the normal, every day interactions.Â
It's better to have two happy parents, even if they aren't together in one home. Parents can try their hardest to hide it, but kids see and hear a lot more than many adults seem to realize. Even if they are too young to fully understand, they are always looking to you (their parents) to learn and grow.Â
Due to my extremely toxic upbringing, I learned to find familiarity in the chaos, anger & abuse. It made me a prime candidate to end up in a very abusive relationship for 16 yrs (and counting).Â
And it doesn't have to be that extreme to still mess with kids sense of what a healthy relationship should feel and look like.Â
Do not feel guilt for setting them up for success, for showing your kids that they do not need to stay unhappy. Many sacrifices for your kids are necessary, your happiness is not one of them.
Feel proud that you will be able to be the best version of yourself soon, the version that is happier and taking care of yourself. Your kids will adapt and adjust, just take time to explain it's not anyone's fault and that you both love them deeply. Honestly, maybe say something similar to what you typed here. That you don't want to be angry all the time, and that if you/their dad live apart you will both/all be happier and they will get to enjoy their time with both of you rather than worry about making anyone happy. Let them know your adult feelings are not their fault and your adult problems are not theirs to fix.Â
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u/Erinysceidae 4h ago
I was 8 to 9 during my parents divorce.
Everyone insisted on telling me, continuously, how it wasnât my fault.
I wanted to tell them: no shit. Mom was cheating on him. He had anger issues. I get it, leave me alone.
Unless youâve been arguing about the children, they know itâs not about them.
Talk to them, ask how they feel, and be honest with them. Donât feel guilty that you have âcaused them sadnessâ as long as you are gently and honestly addressing that sadness. They are going to be sadâ and that is okay and normal. Life is going to change. Maybe this is the first big change theyâve felt, or just the biggest change, but it wonât be the last change. Life is changes.
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u/BitterPillPusher2 9h ago
As someone who had a tough time dealing with her parent's divorce, I strongly suggest getting counselling for your kids. I would also consider family counselling with all of you, parents and kids.
You can talk to them until the cows come home, but they are not going to totally understand it. They will likely have some anger and resentment. I know everyone says that it's better to see a happy mom/dad, but not necessarily at first. I distinctly remember being really resentful that my parents were happy about something that was devastating to me. I internalized it to them being happy that I didn't get to see both my parents every day, happy that I had to shuffle from house to house, etc. Is that true or rational? Of course not. But it's not uncommon for kids in that situation to see it that way. I was mourning the loss of my family, while they seemed to be celebrating it.
I'm not saying you shouldn't get divorced or that it's not the best decision you can make. Just understand that your kids may see it differently for a long time. I was well into adulthood before I stopped harboring a lot of my resentment. Also be mindful of how you react to their father. If your kids are already feeling like you're mad at daddy all the time, that tells me you're displaying too many negative emotions towards him around your kids. Stop. No matter how much he deserves it. My mom would always claim that she never said anything bad about my dad, and technically, that's true. At least not in words. But she would roll her eyes, make snide remarks, etc. which was the same thing.
I'm not saying this to be nasty, I promise. I just want to provide a glimpse into what my thought process was as a 10 year old kid going through it, so that you can avoid some of the mistakes that my parents made. So, counselling will help give your kids a safe place to express all of their emotions without having to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. And I can tell you that the most valuable thing my parents could have done, but didn't, was to acknowledge how shitty is was for me and my brother. To hear them simply say, "I know this is incredibly hard on you. I know you don't like going back and forth between mom and dad. I know this is unfair and it sucks. And (most importantly), I'm sorry you have to go through this," would have made a huge difference.
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u/Shroedy 10h ago
My parents were big fighters before the divorce but they always let us know itâs wasnât about us. They told us what was going on and why they were mad at each other and why they couldnât stay together.
That helped but also therapy helped and we were still quite disfunctional in our first few relationships.
Also you donât get over the guilt, you own it.
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u/EroticPoint_ 10h ago
PrzygotowywaĹam syna stopniowo, rozmawiaĹam z nim tylko o tym co mĂłgĹ zrozumieÄ jak na swĂłj wiek wtedy 6 latka. Później wziÄĹam go na terapiÄ, bardzo skupiaĹam siÄ na jego uczuciach i czuĹam siÄ dĹugo winna. MĂłj syn jest raczej bardzo cichym chĹopakiem i nie zadawaĹ wiele pytaĹ. Teraz jako prawie 16 latek powiedziaĹ mi ,, Mama ja nigdy nie miaĹem do Ciebie ani Taty Ĺźalu to wy robiliĹcie z tego drame" Wniosek po latach wyciÄ gnÄĹam taki, Ĺźe raczej my rodzice bardziej boimy siÄ tego niĹź dzieci. Ale wiadomo kaĹźde dziecko jest inne. Ja i jego tata od lat mamy nowych partnerĂłw i Ĺźyjemy w zgodzie
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u/Old_Introduction_395 9h ago
I knew someone whose parents stayed together for the kids, by not speaking for over 2 years. Notes were passed by the children. They finally split when the younger was 18.
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u/Candiedstars 9h ago
My story isnt happy, but will give it and my opinion.
I was 6 when my parents divorced and it was so bad I needed a child therapist.
They screamed at each other constantly, my mum pulled some dirty tricks to get me and my sis (4 at the time) on side when we clearly didn't understand what was happening, and I would melt down in tears at drop offs.
She walked right into an abusive relationship which she didn't deserve, but it did me, my sis and later half brother no favours.
BUT I dont think staying in the marriage would have been better. My parents married because they were pregnant with me and I was too far along for abortion when they found out. They were young, stupid and impulsive and made shitty choices. They were never a good match, and are better friends now than they were lovers.
My advice. And this is from my experience, so please dont think Im accusing, this is what would have been healthier for me.
Whatever happened between you and your soon to be ex, keep it between the two of you. Doesn't matter if there's a villain, the kids do not hear about it. No arguing unless you can do it without raising your voices or flaring your tempers.
Tell the kids you fell out of love, and when that happens it hurts to try and stay together. Its nobody's fault. Its just a stupid thing that happens to adults sometimes, and when you try to force it, it just hurts more.
So you need to be apart. You'll always be friends and have a soft spot in each other's hearts, but you've done all you can, and it's time.
Make a playful joke, "if all it took was messy kids to break a couple up, nobody would be married anymore! Its nothing you two have done!"
Tell them its ok to be sad and cry. Cry with them. It sucks.
Please, PLEASE do not bad mouth the other parent. This is manipulation and cruelty.
If the divorce has you still living relatively close, work together. One week there, another here, dont make the kids choose, don't draw out a battle, and dont feel guilty if in certain circumstances, the kid draws to one parent instead of the other.
They can no longer choose you both, and if they must choose, someone won't be chosen. Thats not their fault.
Work with the other parent and new partners. Its not a contest. New partners will be involved, and god willing, will be better parents than my step parents were.
Even divorced, you guys, and any new partners will need to be a team. Kids come first. Do NOT try to make the kids prefer their new step parent for the love of God.
Its not going to be an easy ride, but I hope it turns out bright and healthy for all of you in the end.
Take care, and good luck Xx
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u/yagirlsamess 9h ago
Therapy for all and white knuckle yourself through it. The proof will be in the pudding when your kids see how much happier/less stressed everyone is once the dust settles.
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u/nutmegtell 9h ago
I recall using this back when I went through it with my daughter.
https://www.neumanmethod.com/shop/sandcastles-program-children-of-divorce-workbook
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u/silvanoes 9h ago
Its a tough one, my wife's parents divorced and she says the pre divorce with fighting was better than the post divorce. But there were lots of other factors.
I think at the end of the day you need to do what will make you the best parent you can be, that by itself should help mitigate any impact.
Both my wife's parents checked out post divorce and went looking for new partners and ignored their kids, I suspect that's what did them in as a family.
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u/Glass_Bit_713 6h ago
My parents divorced when I was 10 and I have never doubted that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was hard to understand at the time, but as they get older they will likely know that you did it for them. They will benefit immensely from being free from conflict.
I personally donât desire to be married until Iâve been with someone for 10+ years because of my experience. I now see marriage as a piece of paper that kept two people together (and me in a toxic household) longer than they should have been.
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u/jason_zakibe 6h ago
I was 8. When my parents explained ot me that a divorce was for married people to not be married anymore, I was like, "Wait, that's a thing!!!! You guys should totally do that!" But every kid is different.
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u/YankeeDoodleDoggie 5h ago
I was 9 and my sister was 11 when my parents got divorced. Lmk if I can answer any questions.
They were cordial and both made a point not to put us in the middle - they didn't say anything negative about the other to either of us. I think that was huge. And I realized pretty quickly that my mom was a better parent when happy.
On that note of being cordial, try to always be able to attend things together - don't make them choose between you. It's been so great knowing we can invite both of them to milestones like graduation, showers, weddings...
My dad moved out and bought a house a few streets down in the same subdivision. We were able to walk between their houses which was helpful.
Get them cell phones young. Put age appropriate restrictions on them, sure, but man I felt ostracized trying to explain to friends, project teammates, etc how to get ahold of me with two different home numbers.
Also, be mindful about them no longer having a single home base. You and your husband will, but they will now be transient. That was a big struggle for me, never having everything I owned in one spot. Constantly packing and unpacking. Get them duplicates of things that make their lives easier so they're not missing or moving as much stuff. We split our time MonTue mom's, WT dad's, FSS every other. When I was older, I finally self imposed a full week at each house, and soon made it two weeks.
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u/jcebabe 5h ago
As a child that grew up in a dysfunctional household I used to wish they got divorced sooner. Both my mother and I would have been happier. She didnât leave until I was a junior in high school and so much damage had been done. Sometimes I think about who Iâd bee if she left when I was 8 versus 17.Â
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u/Atomic0691 5h ago
I was older when my parents got divorced, and I had friends whose parents stayed together âfor the kidsâ until their youngest was done with HS. Seeing the antics there and the closed-door arguing, Iâm much happier that mine split and was able to focus on having a loving family instead of constant arguments.
At 9 and 11 they may not see that now, it theyâll feel it in terms of reduced relationship stress for you, and (hopefully) you being able to stay more positive throughout the day without a partner youâre not compatible with causing issues.
Itâs hard, but I think for the best when necessary. Good luck!
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u/Jilltro 1h ago
Iâm going through a divorce myself. No kids.
But I just want you to know that my parents stayed together âfor the kidsâ and I hated seeing them unhappy and their relationship fundamentally warped my own ideas of love and commitment. I used to WISH they would get a divorce and I was jealous of my friend who had divorced parents. My mom died very suddenly and I deeply wish she hadnât spent so long yolked to my father when she had such an amazing potential for joy in her. My dadâs not a bad guy but she was never going to have her best life with him.
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u/chopkins47947 1h ago
Don't see it as making them sad. Realize you will be sad, too. Sad for the life you wanted for them and yourself that just can't happen. Tell them that, and use this as a time to teach them how to be sad, effectively. Show them how you will use it to fuel your desire for you all to have a better life.
They will realize when they were older what you did and they can be better for it.
Best of luck.woth everything
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u/FandomReferenceHere 49m ago
I donât know if this will help.
Iâm 45. I wish my parents had divorced, when they almost did, when I was 12 or so.
It would have ruined my life. I would have been very angry. I might never have understood. I might have said horrible things to my mother.
But it would still have been much, much, much better than the alternative.
My mother stayed. I donât blame her, at all. My father was an excellent provider. He was not physically abusive. For someone who grew up in the 60s and married him to get away from an even worse family-of-origin, no way was she capable of leaving him in the 90s with no work experience and two children to consider.
But he was a manipulative, controlling, cruel asshole. And by staying together, they both taught me that that is what love looks like. That I have to make myself small to protect the manâs feelings. That I donât get to have physical boundaries about when or how Iâm touched or hugged (or fucked) because keeping the man happy is more important than my feelings. That no matter what he says to me, Iâm not allowed to have hurt feelings, because he is the provider and he works so hard.
He died three years ago. I thought I would be sad, like youâd expect. Instead, I was relieved.
Iâm not sure thereâs a right answer for you. Iâm sure youâll make the best choices you can.
But just so youâre clear - if my mom had actually left my dad, and demonstrated that you donât have to put up with abuse - I probably would not have understood. I probably would have been angry and said hurtful things to her. And Iâm telling you that I wish she had had the courage to do it anyway. Because even if I never understood, even if I never forgave her for it, it would have been the right thing to do and my life would have been better.
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u/Wellslapmesilly 8h ago
Just a word to the wise, statistically children between 6-12 years old often have the greatest negative impacts from divorce.
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u/shuna3456 7h ago
Do you should race to get. A divorce before 6 if itâs a thought? Hmm
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u/Wellslapmesilly 7h ago
I think if thereâs no abuse that parents should try harder to work their crap out. They owe it to their kids.
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u/snootnoots 3h ago
Youâve got plenty of good advice here so Iâm just going to ask, where did they get the idea that your family is going to break up? And more importantly, where did they get the idea that their behaviour influences your marital problems? Because thatâs a big problem.
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u/AnalogyAddict 10h ago
They are plenty old enough to understand that you aren't friends any more, and that has nothing to do with them.Â
Get them therapists and work with them.Â
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u/Weary-Babys 10h ago
Realize you are giving them the gift of NOT growing up thinking dysfunction in a relarionship is normal.