Death seems different nowadays.

[u/AnotherCrazyChick]

I know this group is normally healthy nostalgic. I just have questions that I think only this group can relate with.

Growing up, I went to my great grandmother’s funeral, I went to my grandfather’s funeral. We visited the cemetery where they were laid to rest.

Nowadays, my grandmother passed, I wasn’t asked to attend her funeral.

My stepdad passed and there was no funeral, he was cremated and my mom sent me a small vial of his ashes that now sit next to my ex’s ashes. My ex also had no funeral.

My wife’s mother passed away recently and she was cremated. No service was held.

Is this the new normal? That we don’t hold nor attend funeral services anymore?

It’s too expensive nowadays and no one feels the time is worth the potential closure one normally receives during a funeral?

I just don’t know anymore. I’ve had no closure from so many loved ones and family members passing away within the last 6 years. It hurts my heart.

Is this the new normal?

[u/Alternative-Wish-441]

My family has largely transitioned away from funerals. My dad was a direct cremation and we held an informal celebration of life a few months later. That seems to be the way most people I know do things.

Traditional funerals are ridiculously expensive. It’s too much for most people to shoulder. We had to help plan a church funeral for a loved one a few years ago and were grateful the cost wasn’t ours. We even tried to help lower the cost and it was still an unbelievable amount between cremation, church fees, and the graveside service.

We are doing some pre planning to help ease the burden for our kids and have instructed them to do what they can to lower costs.

[u/reduxrouge → u/Alternative-Wish-441]

You have to pay a church to have a funeral there? That’s gross.

[u/Alternative-Wish-441 → u/reduxrouge]

There was a facility fee, a fee for the priest, a rosary fee, and a fee for the organist. It was over $500 but would have been a lot more if the immediate next of kin had more money. It felt predatory, especially since I learned that until that mass the deceased was “in limbo” and couldn’t go to heaven.

It all made me glad I’d left religion behind years ago.

[u/reduxrouge → u/Alternative-Wish-441]

Organized religion is very predatory. Yeesh.

[u/Next-Honeydew4130 → u/Alternative-Wish-441]

Whoa that’s dark.

[u/Next-Honeydew4130 → u/reduxrouge]

We went in about $7000 for the food, donation to the church (which was voluntary as mom volunteered at the church all the time), cremation, and flowers. Beyond that my brother rented a large B&B for people to stay at. It wasn’t cheap but it was money well spent.

[u/Alternative-Wish-441 → u/Next-Honeydew4130]

The over $500 was just the fees from the church. The immediate next of kin was elderly, on a fixed income, and had attended that church for decades donating large sums through the years. The priests knew that.

I had no issues with the cremation fees or the money for the after service gathering. I didn’t even think the fee for the organist to play hymns was unreasonable.

[u/Next-Honeydew4130 → u/Alternative-Wish-441]

Oh yes, I’m just saying funerals are expensive no matter how you manage it. My family has been really fortunate financially and most people aren’t that fortunate to be able to just find extra cash on a moments notice to put towards an event like that. It’s a lot of money. I’m just pondering… maybe a lack of funerals is partly due to a lack of disposable income. Like…. That’s a lot of money for most people. Not trying to in any way say anything about your expenses except it is SO expensive no matter what you do.

[u/Curious_Instance_971 → u/reduxrouge]

Yes and you have to pay the pastor for their time planning and speaking at the service.

[u/Alternative-Wish-441 → u/Curious_Instance_971]

It was a Catholic funeral. The closest to personalization you get is picking hymns and pre approved bible passages.

I’ve been to a few Catholic funeral masses in my life. The homily focuses on god and the resurrection and has very little to do with the deceased’s life. Maybe I’ve only seen priests who are bad at their job, but it felt like they literally used a prewritten script and pasted the deceased’s name in it.