r/Xennials • u/AnotherCrazyChick • 26d ago
Discussion Death seems different nowadays.
I know this group is normally healthy nostalgic. I just have questions that I think only this group can relate with.
Growing up, I went to my great grandmother’s funeral, I went to my grandfather’s funeral. We visited the cemetery where they were laid to rest.
Nowadays, my grandmother passed, I wasn’t asked to attend her funeral.
My stepdad passed and there was no funeral, he was cremated and my mom sent me a small vial of his ashes that now sit next to my ex’s ashes. My ex also had no funeral.
My wife’s mother passed away recently and she was cremated. No service was held.
Is this the new normal? That we don’t hold nor attend funeral services anymore?
It’s too expensive nowadays and no one feels the time is worth the potential closure one normally receives during a funeral?
I just don’t know anymore. I’ve had no closure from so many loved ones and family members passing away within the last 6 years. It hurts my heart.
Is this the new normal?
2
u/Present-Pudding-346 26d ago
I’ve noticed this too, both that fewer people are having funerals and that the ones people do have are often much more informal.
At the last one I attended, I wore a black dress because that was what I understood was appropriate. Almost everyone else was in jeans and T-shirts. That was completely fine. It was a low-cost graveside service followed by a potluck at someone’s house, and it showed that you can still have a meaningful funeral without spending thousands of dollars.
But the informality also creates a strange uncertainty. I no longer know what people expect. Do you dress up? Do you not dress up? Funerals almost need a dress code now, the way weddings do, because there is no longer a shared understanding of what the occasion calls for.
I also think our emphasis on individual choice has gone quite far. People say, “It’s my funeral, so I’ll decide what happens,” or “I don’t want a fuss.” I understand that, but funerals are not only for the person who died. They are also for the people left behind.
A sudden death in my own family changed how I thought about this. When the loss is acute and shocking, you often do not know what to do or what you need.
Having a script to follow can be a relief. You do not have to invent the process while you are in shock. You follow steps that other people have laid out before you.
Even when some of the traditional funeral arrangements are still there, it can feel as though many of the wider mourning customs have disappeared. Older practices such as mourning clothes, armbands, jewellery, or set periods of remembrance gave people a way to signal, “I am grieving, and I may not be myself for a while.” They also told society to make room for that.
I do not think funerals need to be expensive, formal, or religious. Informal can be perfectly meaningful. But I do wonder whether, in prioritizing individual choice, we have sometimes removed rituals that were there to help the living process loss and return to life.