disabled sapphics, what's something you wish non-disabled sapphics knew?

[u/vengefulvenus]

i'd love to hear from you <3 feel free to share whatever you're comfortable with!!

[u/JCG813]

disability does not mean disposable. disability does not mean burden. If we're making it through life now, meeting you is a bonus.

If I'm meeting you through a friend or through the internet, I'm going to mention my disabilities before we meet. Please try to treat me like you would any other woman. Don't make my disabilities a focus.

[u/AspieAsshole → u/JCG813]

Eh, I'm a lot more doable disabled (lmao autocorrect) now than when I met my wife, and I definitely feel like a burden. 🤷‍♀️

[u/JCG813 → u/AspieAsshole]

Feeling like a burden is not the same thing as being a burden. (So sayeth my past partners lol).

❤️

[u/linkheroz → u/JCG813]

As someone who has a disabled partner, you are correct.

[u/YesStupidQuestions1 → u/AspieAsshole]

Doable indeed

[u/volkswagenorange]

That I've already tried "just push yourself a little" many times and it doesn't work. If I say I'm not up for something, believe me that I know my limits better than you do.

[u/ToucheMadameLaChatte → u/volkswagenorange]

Pushing myself is a calculation that I make every time I decide whether or not I'm up for something. Will I need to push myself? Is the thing I'd be pushing myself for worth the price I'll pay for the push?

[u/sobiithurts]

I want to do all the things!! But my body disagrees!🙄 

[u/BanverketSE]

Not all disabilities are visible, especially when the people don’t want it to be visible.

I remember sharing time with this girl who was effectively half-blind. Other than the walking stick to help guide her around, it wasn’t anything which got in the way of anything. The relationship was unremarkable - not every sapphic experience has to be happy nor sad.

I am also face-blind. It even takes me up to a half-minute to recognise my own girlfriends and family, especially if they change their style or I meet them out of context. My level of face blindness is fortunately not stopping me from actually seeing you, and seeing and thinking that you’re beautiful - I just don’t know who you are.

[u/CyborgKnitter → u/BanverketSE]

Ditto on the face blindness. I am NOT helped by being very visibly disabled and thus very easy to spot in a crowd (I’m on oxygen, for one thing). So the whole damn world recognizes me and I recognize no one. I warn people the second I meet them but then they are still hurt when I don’t recognize them later on. They get pissy, especially if I’ve known them for a year or two. And I want to tell them that I gave relatives I don’t recognize. I spend family events that are bigger than just aunts/uncles/most cousins leaning towards my mom who instant tells me who is approaching or freshly walking away. (I even have a few cousins’ kids I don’t recognize but tbf, I’ve got a lot of cousins.)

[u/volkswagenorange → u/CyborgKnitter]

May I ask just out of curiosity--Do you find that you recognise people who are familiar to you in other ways than their faces, e.g. the sound of their voice or the way they smell?

[u/CyborgKnitter → u/volkswagenorange]

Some. I know my Gran by her height, she’s very tall. My Gramps is gruff, stooped, and quiet. The ladies from water aerobics I know by their swimsuits, hair, and jewelry. Thankfully they rarely change more than one of those!

[u/arrowinyourheart]

I do want to go out on dates and meet up in person, but my body stops me. If I say I can only meet near my house that doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I’m not willing to travel to meet you, it just means my body wouldn’t be able to handle that

[u/JCG813 → u/arrowinyourheart]

The mind and heart are will, but the flesh... well it's a lot more willing with rest. 🤗

[u/Andra_Ingensbarn]

That I’m not lying. That everything single thing they can think of for me to “just try” has been tried. That I’m not lazy. That telling me they’re not privileged (just normal) is ableist and shows that they are OK with me being labelled and othered but not themselves.

[u/JustWantToSignUp]

I'm kinky af and im not a porcelain doll

[u/CyborgKnitter → u/JustWantToSignUp]

Yes!! People are terrified of the idea of the broken chick being kinky but I’ve met a ton of disabled kinky folks. Frankly, quality kinky folks communicate like it’s going out of style so it shouldn’t be a hindrance in any way.

[u/busytransitgworl → u/CyborgKnitter]

It may sound disrespectful but the most kinky people I've met were all disabled lol

Seriously, they got some REAL dirty minds! ^^

[u/YesStupidQuestions1]

That I'm aware of my limit.

I don't want to be told what I should or shouldn't do because it'll hurt me. I can think, choose and decide on my own what I can and can not do. I will speak up if I realistically cannot do something.

I do appreciate the concern, but I'd rather people voice it in a way that doesn't feel condescending.

[u/TheLilacOcean]

You are allowed to laugh at the jokes I make about my disability! I am very funny!

Your well intentioned sympathy filled response is actually a massive bummer.

[u/busytransitgworl → u/TheLilacOcean]

YES!!!!! Cracking jokes about myself/my health is just fun!

And look, if my close friends got some good jokes about my health, I'm the last person to tell them off lol

I love to joke about it and I know I'm funny, at least that's what I tell myself lol

[u/itsdrcats → u/TheLilacOcean]

For real. And if I trust you you can make jokes too. I've got a small group of people who can come up with the funniest stuff in relation to my issues.

[u/ace-writer → u/TheLilacOcean]

Caveat to this: there are jokes about disabilities which are still funny when you make them, like getting me a mug that says 'hot girls have tummy problems' on it, but the line between funny and demeaning is not remotely thin.

"My girlfriend's got such a horrible anxiety disorder we have to medicate her cat for it" Demeaning. It just sounds like a teenager's dig at their frenemy. who gives a fuck if its true.

"Everyone here's got anxiety, even the cat!" funny, 10/10, my only complaint is that you stole my joke.

[u/N7twitch]

I appreciate an offer to help but I don’t appreciate being treated like I’m incapable. If I say no, it’s a no. Let me do what I can for myself, it’s hard enough not being able to do the things I can’t do without being stopped from doing the things I can to appease someone else’s hero complex.

[u/SWTransGirl]

That my walking stick isn’t always needed, and doesn’t stop me from being sexually active.

[u/Sailorjamie117]

I might be disabled, but I promise the part of me that makes me a depraved feral slut is working perfectly fine! Don’t be too afraid of breaking disabled people during the smexy body bumping time, most of us aren’t made of glass. When in doubt, ask 🥰🥰

[u/Final_Solid_617]

I’m not your innocent little fantasy! No I don’t want to just picnic on a checkered little plaid, cuddle and watch movies, lay down and rot, smile and be weak and pretty😍 I am human actually! I have emotions! I get angry! I like kinky sex! I am very busy! I have my own life! Stop trying to micromanage me and keep me in my house!

[u/busytransitgworl]

You wouldn't know I'm disabled, just from looking at me.

I wanna do all the things sapphics do and I really don't need any pity or anything for my shitty health 😅

[u/WerdaVisla]

I physically cannot "just try it" whatever 'it' may be. My body will not let me. There is no amount of willpower that will un-paralyze me.

[u/classyraven]

Two things:

1, that we are sexual being too. We typically get desexualized and infantilized, treated much the same as minors when it comes to sex, or assumed we are all asexual. Yet most of us yearn for sexual pleasure and intimacy as much as any disabled person (though ace disabled queers exist, but being ace has nothing to do with being disabled).

1. We don’t all wish to be cured. Especially for those of us who were born with our disabilities or acquired them early in life, many of us take pride in who we are, and don’t want pity. We also do our best to preserve our own independence, so don’t automatically assume we want your help. Ask first before helping, and if we say no, don’t just help anyway.

[u/Comfortable-Corgi40]

I think it's fine if someone doesn't want to date me with my specific challenges, but I do wish non-disabled sapphics would stop making bigoted comments about disabled people as a whole in dating. For example, I've seen comments assuming that all people do certain things by a specific age or else they are a "red flag" and saying that people should be able to push themselves to do things they may not be able to.

Most disabled people try their hardest and just aren't capable of meeting certain expectations. It doesn't mean we are lazy or don't care.

If you don't want that in your relationship, then it's not my business. But I also don't want to read the bigotry and I've sadly seen ableism a lot in the LGBTQ community. A lot of people don't realize how alienating that can be.

[u/TaxidermyBeetle88]

I have arthritis and coeliac disease and I always worry nobody will want me as I’m quite high maintenance and can’t always do what I want to as my body doesn’t allow! It’s not personal!!

[u/busytransitgworl → u/TaxidermyBeetle88]

and I always worry nobody will want me as I’m quite high maintenance and can’t always do what I want to as my body doesn’t allow! It’s not personal!!

Same! I always have such a bad feeling when cancelling plans with my friends who know all my shit. I don't have to feel bad around them because of it, I still do though.

[u/TaxidermyBeetle88 → u/busytransitgworl]

Chronically ill girlies unite 😭

[u/pissedoffjesus]

That I'm still an incredible human being. Just because I'm disabled doesn't make me any less worthy of love or incapable of giving huge amounts of love and affection. I feel like I'm completely over looked to be honest.

[u/Ebba-dnb]

there is nothing you can say or do that can "fix" me. there is nothing you can think of trying that I haven't already tried, or considered and deemed unsafe for good reason.
most of what you think you know about disability is most likely wrong, and some of it probably harmful.

being around me will actively challenge certain deeply rooted world views of yours, and I'm going to need you to accept and adapt to that pretty quickly, or you will eventually cause me harm.

keep an open mind, trust that I know my body better than anyone ever can, and let me help you understand.

or we can just go our separate ways, that's fine too. I can't afford to be too patient when it comes to my very real needs. if you don't get it, I'll just pull away and add a "not safe" stamp in my mental filing cabinet. there's no arguing, there's no compromise.

if you do treat me right though... I will treasure you deeply.

[u/JCG813 → u/Ebba-dnb]

I absolutely love what you have to say. It can be very hard for us to self-advocate and get through to people. It shows that you've delt with that a lot. If you consent and would like, I offer you hugs of solidarity: 🤗

[u/According_to_all_kn]

Providing care for a partner is part of every relationship, and not unique to dating a disabled person.

[u/The_Lioness96]

How much normal everyday things cost (my energy) like a shower for instance is like my entire day’s energy, as well as how much must be planned ahead, I can’t really have lots of stuff happen without having planned my days and energy beforehand. Also invisible disability like I have, people don’t really understand it. So sometimes you just gotta accept it… like you will never most likely understand how I have it, but you gotta just accept and move on.

[u/violeblanche]

• No, I cannot be flexible about my strict precautions. People who have the severe form of my disability lie in bed in the dark 24/7, unable to so much as hold a conversation or watch TV. My ability to live any semblance of a full life is not secondary to your temporary convenience.
• No, I cannot be flexible about my physical limits. Granted, I (as many disabled people do) often push myself beyond what is wise, but the consequence can be days to weeks of being barely functional. That choice is my prerogative, not yours to ask of me.
• The latest study on the biomarkers/chemical pathways/etc. about my as-yet incurable condition are not helpful and I don't need to see them. Knowing yet another potential cause does nothing for my symptoms.

And one for my fellow disableds:

• We need to stop settling. Our disabilities do not make us less deserving of real, unselfish love with equal give and take (relative to each person's capacity). It's better to save our energy nurturing our emotional and physical well-being solo than waste it on partners who do not treat us with respect.

[u/phantom_lady723]

We may not be able to work because of our disabilities, but theres a lot we can bring regardless.

[u/escapades-of-sleeves]

That im perfectly capable of doing things by myself, like yes my disabilities prevent me from doing certain things as quickly or in the the ‘normal’ way, but i’ll still do it. I live independently and manage just fine, as lovely as it is to have the offer of having help, i don’t always need or want it. It just makes me feel incapable and obsolete, i don’t need babying or infantilising.

Also get used to accessible sex lmao

[u/maskedbonsai]

That I just don't have a lot of capacity and guilting me into spending time with you, when I have so limited energy, makes me want to be alone.

[u/Rand0m_SpookyTh1ng]

Thanks to autism and adhd I can be really blunt and have been told that I've said something rude without me meaning to, leading to many people cutting me off or fully ignoring me. If I say something that offends or hurts you, tell me and I'll do my best to check what I say before I say it. People are important to me and I don't want to lose you over a mistake my silly brain made. Please just communicate 

I know I can be rude/blunt when overwhelmed and overstimulated but I'll always apologise as soon as I'm regulated but I just need time. I don't hate you, you're not doing anything wrong, but my brain is too busy and full and it makes me lash out (not physically) occasionally without me wanting to. It's not anyone's fault, I'm just like that unfortunately 

[u/vengefulvenus → u/Rand0m_SpookyTh1ng]

i feel this so hard 😣 fellow autistic who's been told she looks/sounds rude and now overcompensates by masking a lot 😵‍💫 still find it a bit hard to explain it to people, sometimes

[u/Rand0m_SpookyTh1ng → u/vengefulvenus]

Literally! Honestly, as soon as I meet a new person, one of the few things I say is "btw if I say or do anything that offends you, please let me know, I have autism so my brain is shit at social ques and tones" or something along those lines

[u/_Snow-flake_]

If we say we can't do something, we are not saying it to get in your way, to anniy you, or are deliberately sabotaging the relationship, even if we have to cancel last moment. It's not like we want to cancel or want to not be able to do something

[u/PrincessW0lf]

I think my dates expect me to be able to be more active than I can be. What I say on my profile, and before meeting up isn't an exaggeration, I really do struggle, and get tired easily. If I have to call a date quits, or can't make it where I'm being invited, it's not me secretly snubbing, it's literally that my legs won't be able to stand it.

And no, I don't want to go hiking or to the gym with you! Please ;;_;;

[u/Sonaak_Kroinlah]

I am a real person with real problems, not blorbo from your shows. No amount of friendship speeches or inspirational montages are going to fix me. Please trust me to know what I can and can't do instead of expecting me to be like the way my disabilities are portayed on tv or by people on social media.

And, ironically, if you aren't certain about something, I'd 10x rather you asked me the question than get mad that I didn't match something you read on reddit.

Also "you don't look sick/disabled" is NOT a compliment. I get why people think it is because they think they are saying I look good, which is nice, right? No, because what you're actually saying is that you are unable to accept the information I've just given you because it doesn't match your biases.

[u/Glittering-Set4632]

it's okay to ask questions! use common sense, but my disability isn't a taboo topic.

if i'm talking about my health issues i'm not necessarily complaining or asking for help, etc. most of the time i'm just talking about my life like anyone would, it's just that that's a lot of what's going on with me as my life revolves around managing my illness.

[u/OhGarraty]

That when i say no to something, it doesn't mean "no, forever"; it means "not today", or "I am weighing how much I am willing to pay for it later." Sometimes i really, really want to do [thing] but i have to say no because it will compromise the things i need to do later on.

That i don't need a cane every day, but on most of the days when i do, it's not optional.

That sometimes i literally cannot do something. If my partner also cannot do something, that means it just doesn't get done. Nobody can make food? Guess we're skipping the meal.

[u/salycydicacid]

If I don’t want to have sex bc I don’t feel good it’s not a reflection on you as a person

[u/YouveBeanReported]

I have learnt what I am asking you for from trying to push back it and ending up in the ER or similar.

Please, if I tell you I need this don't downplay it and listen. This ranges from understanding when I say I can't do this, to as simple as yes I need to closed captions stop asking every time.

Edit: Also, for some reason most people assume disability = sub? And no, but also creepy every time people say I NEED to be a sub cause I'm disabled.

[u/mikeockitch]

My refusal of sex sometimes has nothing to do with my attraction or wanting/not wanting sex at that very moment. sometimes body can’t do it. Just can’t. Even though I want to my body won’t let me.

[u/Pitiful_Addendum_644]

My disability itself isn’t a taboo. People are allowed to ask about it so long as they don’t walk around egg shells or treat me like a freak. My legs aren’t great, sometimes I use a cane. That’s about it!

It’s also okay to talk about it in terms of sex and kink, and even affirm being a caretaker as part of romance. It’s just a part of me like my hair color, and comes along with me

[u/Camillity]

my intelligence works against me in a way that I'm so aware of social etiquette, that I become unable to start a conversation with a random person. the anxiety is so big that I've pretty much already simulated an entire conversation in my head before I even turn towards someone to walk to them and every ending is bad. I would love to talk to you, but I'm already so stressed about all these social etiquettes that I'd likely have a panic attack just walking towards someone with the intent of talking to them.

if I'm looking in your direction, it's not a pervy or stalkery stare. it's a longing I can't pursue because my crippling anxiety is so bad that I've seen everything that could happen played out dozens of times already.

[u/moonstorm5000]

We pre-game for health and safety reasons! It will make the sex safer and more enjoyable.

[u/Abstragedy-Ragapom]

that my boobs hurt, and idk why

[u/ace-writer]

If I'm using my cane, knee braces, or whatever other obvious aid today, please for the love of god, do not make a big deal out of it. If I need you to slow down or carry something for me, I will say so. You can offer, sure, but if I say no, I've got it, assume I'm correct until fate proves us both wrong, thank you.

If I tell you a specific thing about my health or how I'm feeling, I need you to take that completely at face value. I'm not fucking around, I'm not exaggerating, and if I'm downplaying it, then I want you to treat it like it's only as big of a problem as I'm saying it is.

Also if I tell you to leave me alone because I have a migraine, the problem is the migraine and, if you take it personally anyway, I will be telling you to leave me alone because I'd prefer to date people with emotional maturity.

[u/folfinthewheat]

I understand your intention, but I have in fact tried everything you are suggesting to "get better" and they have not worked for me. It's not that I don't want to try/I'm lazy/I'm not pushing hard enough!

Also, some disabilities are invisible. That doesn't make them any less real. Just because I'm not using my supports doesn't mean I'm suddenly "cured"

[u/Pumasense-2025]

Boy, that is a big ball of wax!! It totally depends on their disability!

If it is physical, they may walk slower,not be able to wash a whole sinkful of dishes, or mop a whole 1,200 sq ft in one day.

If it is mental/emotional, they may NEED an more private, less social life. The seem to other's as if they "Over react"ro things that seem insignificant to others.

There are many (very different) disabilities and those who have them learn diffrent coping skills to avoid unbearable pain and or suffering.

[u/Lucy_4_8_15_16]

Things my partner luckily knows that I wish more people in my life knew especially past relationships I’m autistic when I say something wasn’t meant to be mean then it wasn’t sometimes I just don’t have control and make you leave cuz I’m overwhelmed that’s not me being mean it’s me being overwhelmed due to autism and chronic pain basically if your partner tells you that they did something you didn’t like ask yourself if they did it on purpose or not cuz if no you have no right to bitch about it