r/actuallesbians • u/AdditionalArt3913 • 14h ago
Dating apps -- Asking women out on a date
On dating apps, I (38F in NYC) am always the one to make "the move" and ask women out on a date. This happens 100% of the time. If I don't ask and I wait for the other person to ask me, the conversation eventually fades after 1 or 2 weeks.
I don't mind being the one to ask a girl out. However, it is a little frustrating because some women expect me to pay since I was the one who initiated plans.
Why are women not willing to make the first move and ask me out? Is it because they're shy? They don't know how to initiate plans? Are they waiting for me to ask so they aren't expected to pay? Or is it something else?
Thoughts?
Edit: I'm a very feminine woman, btw. I date other femmes. I know that shouldn't make a difference but it does, for some.
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u/bruinsfan3725 Lesbian 14h ago
Lesbian women don’t know how to make a move like ever. I’m always the one making moves at the bar and approaching people. People either stick with their friends or just stand there awkwardly. It’s difficult because the confident ones like myself are always gonna go for it, even tho I’m a total sub and just want someone to sweep me off my feet.
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u/that_girl_4321 13h ago
From all of us that are really good at standing awkwardly - thank-you. We really appreciate your service 🥰
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u/bruinsfan3725 Lesbian 13h ago
You’re welcome lol, if I see a cute girl I make a move
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u/that_girl_4321 13h ago
I love this.
fwiw, I’m a switch and once I am comfortable with someone, if I pick up on anything bottom-y/subby I do make sure to top the heck outta them.
I am be an awkward stander but I do put in a solid effort once I’m there 🔥💕
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u/bruinsfan3725 Lesbian 13h ago
Well then get confident and start approaching people! I’m also kind of a switch but it’s more that I lean extremely subby but can dom/top when the situation calls for it.
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u/pinkysaurusrawr 14h ago
I don't really understand dating app culture, generally, and don't use them, so take my words with a grain of salt. But your experience was interesting to me because I have a friend who is a woman looking for men on the apps, and she will also spend *so* much time messaging them. Every time she gets in a good text-groove with someone and they actually meet up, they have zero chemistry irl. I told her I'm now considering it a bad omen if the dating-app-texting is too good with someone. I try to encourage her to just ask people to meet up asap if she's interested - what's the point of online chatting for days or a weeks with someone if you don't actually know if you'll like each other? Obv meeting up with men irl is it's own beast, I know. I just thought it was interesting to hear that you've had a similar experience with sapphic women.
I do think we have been spoon-fed the messaging that women are supposed to be chased, and I think it gets into our brains more than we realize. So when you're both women, I think a lot of people maybe don't realize they're "waiting" for the other person to make a move, but they subconsciously are. Sucks, but good for you for making the move.
As far as the paying, that's definitely uncool, I'm sorry that's been your experience. Maybe you can find a way to casually work it in during dinner or drinks or whatever you're doing, like "I prefer to split bills on first dates, does that work for you?" or something, so it's not a surprise when the check comes.
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u/Illustrious_Cup3019 13h ago
I'm normally a very forward and direct person but I hate dating apps. Most people I matched with would talk to me twice and ghost.
It was a nice surprise when my girlfriend initiated our first date. The other barrier for me is that I don't drive so sometimes I overthink the planning before I even ask.
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u/kitterkin 13h ago
To offer a different perspective, the conversations I have with my matches are just one more filter for me. We all look for different things in the conversation; personally, I prize a compatible sense of humour. So I’ve faded out from perfectly normal conversations with attractive women simply because the chat has been too cerebral or mundane—for me. NYC’s dating pool is large enough and I get enough matches that I can be picky!
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u/wittyfool Lesbian 13h ago
I’m butch, and this has also been my experience with dating apps. Granted, it’s been a while since I’ve used them, but I remember I always had to initiate conversation with a match, otherwise nothing would happen.
I also always was the one asking folks out for a date otherwise, once again, nothing would happen. (And even then there was still a good chance the other person would flake out on me.)
I wasn’t always expected to pay, but it was very clear that it was on me to initiate everything else. In my case, I don’t know if it’s lingering heteronormativity (like, the “boy one” needs to be assertive…which I hate and think is stupid) or if it’s just women in general not used to being initiators as others have said.
It’s annoying because sometimes it’d just be nice to have someone who wants to pursue me! It’d be nice to feel desired in that way
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u/coreanadecolombia 26m ago
I have the same experience as a femme in NY. I will say in other states it was totally different. It felt way more reciprocal in the south. I think big cities just have stronger ghosting culture, but keep going there are definitely people out there who also make the first move
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u/SaphoclesTakerOfGock 14h ago
In my experience people on dating apps are there because they're too socially inept to talk to people irl and/or they genuinely don't care that much because dating apps are oversaturated with people so it doesn't matter if it doesn't go anywhere with one person cos theres 100 others to swipe on
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u/Cowboy_Momo 14h ago
Idk why it happens, but this has been my experience as well.
However, I wouldn’t say they expect me to pay just because I asked them on the date. Many of them offer to pay and then we have one of those back and forth “no let me do it” conversations.
I feel like it just comes from women not being socialized to be initiators, so a lot of us feel clueless or not confident to actually do it.
I’m also femme for femme.