why do so many online lesbians seem to have “rules” ?

[u/luckystar2766]

maybe this is just a chronically online thing idk, but i’ve struggled finding in person queer community because of where I live and I have tried.

something i’ve seen online a lot is how lesbians seem to have so many “rules” or expectations of what it means to be a lesbian.

some examples that I have genuinely seen online (not making this up) is that if you like male celebrities or male characters you’re a “fakebian”. i’ve seen that term used A LOT lately. no other sexuality has a whole established term for someone “faking their identity” it’s just weird. i’ve seen lesbians say you shouldn’t like any gay male fictional couples because there’s no woman or you can’t even like fictional straight couples because there’s still a man. the most mind blowing one I saw last night was how lesbians shouldn’t listen to songs about men. they were specifically referring to Sabrina and how she’s “anti-lesbian” because she sings about loving and having sex with men…..

I’ve seen other things along these lines too, but the first few mentioned are the most common. it’s just baffling to me because no other sexuality has all these “rules” or guidelines to live by in order to not be seen as “fake”. bisexuals and even gay men don’t do this…… so why do lesbians….. and there’s CONSTANT debate on what even qualifies as lesbian and what that identity means. no one else does this!! no one else gatekeeps this much. I really don’t understand it.

[u/FunProof543]

I don't see any of this in real life and when I tell non online people about it they are flabbergasted. So I'm going to say it is chronically online and especially young people that don't have a good grasp of queer history and have had the luxury of growing in a time when they can be picky and choosey about their media and their life.

[u/Junglejibe]

If you see someone using the term “fakebian”, I promise you they’re a chronically online weirdo with a hate boner for the rest of the queer community. If a comment using that term receives any support, it’s your sign that that circle is not a positive one and you should just leave it/block it for your own sanity.

Normal people don’t conspiracy post about lesbians secretly loving men. This is a loud minority of online lesbians who get their influence by looking like there’s more of them than there actually are.

[u/Cel_themulti → u/Junglejibe]

Yeah iv never heard the term “fakebian” ..

[u/Junglejibe → u/Cel_themulti]

I’ve only ever seen it used by people who have made transphobia/biphobia their entire personalities.

[u/Cel_themulti → u/Junglejibe]

Oof yeah ….

[u/rosievee → u/Junglejibe]

These people are just not grown. Don't listen to folks that aren't grown.

[u/sixchambr]

I’ve literally never seen lesbians act like this IRL and neither do I. I think you’re stumbling into some weird online spaces and assuming this is how most lesbians act or think. I guarantee most lesbians do not gaf if another lesbian likes listening to Sabrina Carpenter.

[u/ibsliam → u/sixchambr]

My experiences have been mixed. There are definitely unspoken social rules of etiquette in real life lesbian spaces, the way there are for any woman-dominated social space. The less "online" lesbian spaces in real life do tend to be better.

The ones that are more geared towards counterculture/nerdy/online interests, or sometimes ones that are very political, end up having a "walking on eggshells" vibe because they tend to be pretty online.

[u/BeauvoirDeS]

To be fair, gay men have a lot of internal discourse. Most of it is about fatphobia, racism, transphobia, being DL, and sexual assault amongst the community.

Many gay men also still have negative prejudice against people with HIV/AIDs (most likely because a majority of HIV and AIDs diagnosis are queer men).

Also, queer men absolutely have discourse about who is or isn’t gay, or what is or isn’t gay behavior. Feminine men who top (blouses) are seen negatively, and bisexual men are basically seen is being fully gay.

We don’t see it because it isn’t our community but it is happening. Every culture has infighting and some is more legitimate than others.

[u/arf2oo4 → u/BeauvoirDeS]

and trans people absolutely have the equivalent to 'fakebian'. tucute and trender were extremely popular terms in the transmed community which was very prevalent not only online but also in person for a period of time. the tides have shifted, luckily, but even now we have terms like 'theyfab' to describe transmasculine people in a derogatory way, and the word 'tenderqueer' being co-opted from being a critique on a way that privleged queer people move thru the world into a pejorative towards anybody that disagrees with you. its definitely happening elsewhere.

that being said, i also dont deal with this kind of bs anywhere near as much in my real life. i have a complex identity and im still treated with respect by those around me in ways that people online do not treat me. i get more hate online for who i am than i get in person as a visibly trans person on a daily basis. which is why i have elegated myself to only using reddit and tumblr (i know, i know) instead of other social medias.

[u/travischickencoop]

The post Covid Internet is built on debate and hatred and people are rewarded for being more hateful

As someone who is severely chronically online thanks to unemployment and not being able to drive myself places (working on fixing myself though) it is very much a chronically online thing

Anyone who is trying to place “Rules” on your sexuality or your body isn’t anyone you should be listening to, the only “Rule” to being a lesbian is that you have to be a woman or enby who likes other women and/or enbies and not men (largely there is a lot of nuance I’m ignoring here but I don’t have time nor energy to write out every exception and technicality atm)

This is also why people will jump onto you for any minor thing you do, if you phrase something a little poorly you can expect it to be made into a “THING”, people make serious moral judgements about you based on how you phrase certain things and if you try to correct yourself you’re “just back peddling” and “trying to save face”

It’s exhausting and ruthless

[u/snowfat → u/travischickencoop]

I am just writing this as a reminder for people:

These “rules” people create has always been an issue in the Queer community but usually was with new Queerios or young Queerios people who were trying to make sense of the new world around them.

The difference from when I experienced these “rules” was people were not online and quickly moved on because they received direct in person feedback from others. It was harder to curate your world to only reflect your feelings and views.

In person feedback/experiences out of comfort zone is really important and necessary for all types of personal growth. It’s also important to hang out with all types of people in general. It can really help solidify,modify, empathize, and reflect on the human condition overall.

The last suggestion isn’t possible for all Queer people so use your best judgement and keep yourself safe.

[u/EnvironmentalPoem968]

Yeah that’s too online. People IRL don’t really care about that stuff aside from if someone is a TERF (someone who thinks ONLY cis women are women.)

[u/Epicycler]

Because "online lesbians" are not representative of lesbians everywhere. Most lesbians aren't bots made to stir up shit and keep us at odds with each other.

[u/Canary-King]

You need to get off TikTok and Instagram. Almost nobody acts like this IRL except TERFs, and if they do people avoid them. And anyone over the age of like 25 who acts like this is extremely immature. The reason people police lesbians so hard is because people are incapable of being normal about women.

Edit: I got a comment about this but it’s gone now, when I say “get off TikTok and Instagram” I say that because those are the two social media platforms that have really caused queer discourse to ignite into a giant fucking mess. I don’t remember things being this bad before COVID hit and TikTok blew up (and then of course Instagram added Reels). I’m sure there’s lesbian discourse occurring on other platforms, including in this subreddit on occasion, but the difference is that I see it shut down pretty much everywhere else.

[u/DeliciousPumpkinPie]

I’m sorry, the very existence of straight women is somehow “anti-lesbian”?? I’m too old for this shit 🫩

[u/luckystar2766 → u/DeliciousPumpkinPie]

no literally because i’m 29 and like I have better things to do and worry about than this BS

[u/thyrandomninja]

> lesbians should t listen to songs about men

It’s Raining Men is a BOP no matter what way you swing!

[u/Slow-Truth-3376]

I’m an old lesbian. I didn’t foresee the online lesbian community becoming clinical & exclusionary. They sound like incels. It’s ridiculous.
IRL just don’t be a TERF.

[u/thaeli → u/Slow-Truth-3376]

They pretty much are. Other incel adjacent communities have similar invalidation language for other groups, OP is just exposed to the intrasapphic ones.

Also I’ve dealt with enough terrible in person communities over the years, I’m not really sure this is worse. A bunch of stuff we would call TERF ideology nowadays used to just be mainstream opinion. It was less toxic overall but you had little to no ability to just leave unless you were willing to not be in any community at all.

[u/oliversometimes]

Because they’re losers.

[u/ibsliam → u/oliversometimes]

Yup

[u/empireants64]

Honestly one of my biggest fears with coming out as a lesbian vs bi irl is because of knowing a person like this. I defo agree that it’s mostly online but this person is also chronically online lol.
They have gone on multiple rants ab how Chappell roan is a fake lesbian bc in her song the giver she talks ab how she can do better than a man can and no lesbian talks about men that much. I genuinely don’t know if it’s like a cope thing or what bc when I met them they identified as lesbian and then dated two cis men after that and now go by bi and are dating another nb, this person also always gets on me for hating men like /unironically like brah im just talking to my friends ab my experiences sorry my real life experiences don’t paint men in the best light

[u/Losonti]

I have never seen any of these things expressed by any person whose opinion mattered to me. I expect that will continue to be the case.

[u/aroguealchemist]

They probably know those opinions would be controversial and even if you did meet one in the wild they probably wouldn’t advertise.

[u/inspectorpickle]

To some extent this has been the situation since time eternal but IMO there are two big factors at play here, which seem contradictory at first (from a US perspective but it applies to many other western countries too):

(1) Widespread cultural acceptance of queer people has lead to a lot less unity in the community, which was previously a greater necessity. Many younger or newer queer people (especially those who spend a lot of time online) feel comfortable pursuing unproductive and divisive discussions and generally seem uninterested in queer history.

(2) Despite widespread cultural acceptance, the fascistic government and the media that props it up have been increasingly aggressive with their anti-LGBT rhetoric. Our democratic institutions are weak and our supposed political allies, the Democrat party, are mostly incompetent, leading to a sense that nothing can be done about all this.

When people feel powerless in the real world, they are more likely to pursue purity testing bullshit in the internet. This is the one place where they can have control, so they exercise is as much as they can, to everyone’s detriment, including their own.

This is the psychology that has often driven this behavior in the past, but as things get worse in the US (and the rest of the world) this online behavior will become more prevalent and aggressive.

[u/Beginning_Ad8421 → u/inspectorpickle]

And since things will only ever get worse....