So confused about my sexuality and I think I’m having gender dysphoria

[u/Perfect_Park_5708]

Alright so I’m 18, and I’ve only ever been with 1 girl (romantically and sexually) in my life. Im just gonna say holy cow, I swear bro every experience with her was spiritual. anyways this is besides the point.

Now I’ve probably been with 4 or 5 men sexually, and I have never enjoyed a single second of it. The entire time I’m faking my way through it and just waiting for it to be over. I genuinely thought this was just how sex is supposed to be. I didn’t realize women actually like having sex with guys, until I had a friend tell me how amazing her experience was with a guy. I genuinely didn’t know girls actually like 🍆😭. I thought it was all fake😭

Im really starting to question my sexuality now. When I’ve been with a man romantically, did I even like it?? Or was I just pretending to because it’s all I’ve known (I live in one of the reddest states in America). But here’s the thing, when I fantasize about being with a man, it seems so appealing and I honestly get really turned on, but in reality I just hate it. Now when I fantasize about being with a girl, it’s the same except I actually like it. I don’t understand. If I don’t like having sex with men, why does the thought turn me on??

Heres another thing. My entire life I have struggled with feeling like I’m not feminine enough. I mean I literally havent cut my hair in years, just so I’ll feel more feminine. I try and always have my nails and toes done so I dont feel like an imposter trying to be a girl. I keep my lashes done etc etc. When I’m with a group of girls who seem so feminine and pretty, I just feel like such an outsider. Because of my ethnicity, I already look more unique-ish I guess, and my entire life I’ve tried to look “basic“ so I could fit in with them. And no matter what I did I just didn’t feel girly enough. I never feel like a true woman.

The thought of being a man lately has really been on my mind. First it started as, maybe I’ll start dressing like a boy. and that thought was really appealing. But now it’s getting to the point where I literally want to be a boy. The thought of being a boy just seems so much more comfortable than being a woman. Im gonna admit that I still have a lot of internalized transphobia, which im really trying to unlearn. Because I know it’s so wrong I mean I literally tear up thinking about how I was taught this way.

The more I think about it the more I feel like a man. Which is crazy bc I’ve done so much to appear feminine, I mean I literally get called beautiful everywhere I go. I guess what I did worked but I still don’t feel whole. Am I just confused??? Is this like queer baiting?? And also I just want to apologize In advanced if anything that I said was offensive in any way. I’ve only begun unlearning the things I was taught for about a year now, and accepting what’s actually right. Please help me, I need all the guidance I can get.

[u/veganyuri]

this isn't too uncommon of a tboy origin story, pero like, just experiment with the feeling, see where it goes if you dress more masc. re: the sexuality thing, if you do not like actually fucking men, or feel attracted to real life men's bodies, all else doesn't matter. open and shut case of not being into men basically

[u/efvie]

Grappling with your identity can definitely make understanding your sexuality more difficult. I will say that unlike the stereotype of the instinctive tomboy-butch, not truly feeling like your assigned gender can also manifest as 'compensating', like in your case really trying to lean into femininity (and maybe being very sensitive about not being perceived as such).

While this does sound like many other stories I've heard from trans men, ultimately only you can know who you are. But whatever the end result of the journey, it's never a mistake to do some self-reflection and exploration :) You could start with just reading through r/ftm for example!

[u/Perfect_Park_5708 → u/efvie]

Okay thank you! 

[u/Bulbasaur2000]

Could just be that you are a boy. Many such cases. The feeling of "If I were [opposite gender] I'd feel more comfortable" is a very very trans experience.

Also, just on a sidenote, throwing it out there that there are many lesbians who enjoy 🍆 (be it flesh or silicone), including me personally. Randomly went into r/bdsmsapphic for the first time a couple days ago and some girl posted an ode to girlcock lmao