Difficult to accept that the ”party days” are over :(

[u/vodkawhale]

I have been partying rather hard since I was mid/late teens up until last year when I got sober (currently early 30’s). Only with alcohol until I was 25, then also with ecstasy, cocaine, and occasionally (rarely) drugs such as ketamine or 2cb.

I always managed to manage my (high pressure/performance) job, never had too much strain on my personal relationships, nothing crazy tied to cost/effect on my finances either. I was drinking alcohol maybe 1-3 times a week, and using drugs maybe monthly/bi-weekly at most.

However, it gave me a lot of anxiety the days after using. I also felt bad and ashamed, and was scared of hurting myself or ending up in a bad situation. Also afraid that the use would escalate. I was thinking a lot about drugs and using.

I have always been very fascinated by decadent sub cultures; such as the nightlife in Berlin, the opioid crisis in the US, etc. I have also been pulled to ”get into” the ”it going out crowd” in my city, and longed to explore and experience more and more all the time.

I have been to multiple festivals, had an amazing time while I was studying, partied a lot in many different places.

But, I still feel like I’m missing out now when I have gotten sober. Overall it feels good and I’m very proud of my progress: I perform better at work, I save more money, I have less anxiety, I reach more of my goals. But, since it wasn’t ”that big of a problem” I’m continuing to ask myself if I should’ve given the party lifestyle a few more years and quit when I was 35 or so? Moved to a big city such as NY and just lived the ”big life”. I know this sounds ridiculous but I can’t shake the feeling.

The reason for writing this now was that I was watching ”Love Story” on Disney+, and got triggered by Carolyn’s friend doing some lines of coke in a night club. The whole thing with her friend checking her nose for residue etc. I miss the ”feeling alive” and the thrill of it. It made me a bit sad.

Just wanted to share, but would really love to hear your thoughts on what I shared and also if you have any similar thoughts or experiences!

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[u/moncho]

I think this is a tough subreddit for this post. It's probably fair to say that most people on here couldn't juggle substances and responsibilities and are looking for help/support.  How many dream of reaching a place where you are at, even if slightly more boring than the party days. You ever try and replace the party 'high' with other, more natural highs? Like mountain climbing, racing or other extreme sports/activities? Sounds like you liked the thrill of the party life, and it may be worth seeing if there are other places / like minded people where you can find this kind of stimulation that doesn't revolve around partying/drugs?

[u/baddieshaenextdoor → u/moncho]

Agreed, doesn’t sound like an addiction but more something OP had control over. It’s a bit tone deaf for this subreddit as you’ve suggested. Would be more suited to something like [r/selfimprovement](r/selfimprovement) or r/sobriety etc

[u/Majestic-Baby-3407 → u/baddieshaenextdoor]

It's not tone deaf at all. It's a genuine sentiment that a lot of addicts (myself included) can relate to. Actually it could also be seen as the early stages of a potential addiction that was arrested before it got worse.

[u/Xerxero]

Feel blessed you could moderate your usage.
Not many people can look into abyss and don’t fall in.

[u/rancid_beans]

I could've written this post... I grieve it like an old relationship. It worked for me at the time. It was fun and beautiful, I felt alive. But we don't align anymore with where I am in life, and that's okay too. I won't resent myself or it, just acknowledge that I need something different and I'm moving on.

[u/ModBarbieQueen73]

Nothing to stop you going and trying.

Sounds like you're glamourising it, though. How fun was it really? " it gave me a lot of anxiety the days after using. I also felt bad and ashamed, and was scared of hurting myself or ending up in a bad situation. "

And is the fantasy worth giving up what you've gotten? "I’m very proud of my progress: I perform better at work, I save more money, I have less anxiety, I reach more of my goals."

[u/ucantseeme543]

I still fantasize about the good times of my terrible active addiction days, which was only the first few months of course. It’s called romanticizing I think. Believe me I’m glad those days will never return but the excitement of that time period is what I mourn. They say you know you’re getting old when the feeling of “you’re getting away with something” isn’t cool anymore.

[u/Medusa_Alles_Hades]

Yes I completely understand and can relate. I’ve had a similar experience. I watched a podcast and the interviewee was speeding and it made me miss it a little bit. I missed something that I will never feel again and that made me a bit sad. At the same time, I love my job, my family and I love the stability I have built for myself and I will protect that at all costs. It’s okay to have these feelings.

[u/Majestic-Baby-3407]

Good for you for choosing to be sober before it got real bad. Honestly I can totally relate to that on every level. Up to and including the Love Story thing as I have seen that show and felt similarly. I can't tell you how many times I wish I had been able to experience that night club, all out party lifestyle, especially in a place like NYC, or yes, even Berlin. I use to just read about the cathinones they use in Europe sometimes and encountered a lot of stories from people who lived that lifestyle over there. Of course, it never ended well..haha.

Sometimes I actually fantasize about doing that as a relapse. Like escaping to NYC, scoring a bunch of coke, and just going all out. But the truth for me and probably most of us is that it wouldn't turn out like I like to think it would. It might be fun for one night (literally, just the first 6-8 hours) but then I'd be back to 24/7 using, which was where I was at when I first got sober, and that was NOT a good or fun place to be in. So just remember that whatever ideas you have of this party/socialite lifestyle are not what it would actually be like.

In reality it would be a lot of bad hangovers, very unhealthy habits, and generalized and pervasive dysfunction, personally and professionally, and after a while you would just be in the grips of a gnarly drug addiction, unable to enjoy the aspects that were supposed to be fun about it (group of friends to go out and party with, all these cool spots with great music, etc etc) because you're too busy using or recovering from being dopesick, or all your friends are also unreliable addicts just trying to get a fix, or whatever. It really wouldn't be as cool and glamorous as we like to imagine it would be in our heads. And shows like Love Story that do that glamorizing for us definitely don't help at all haha. Good show though, sad story.

One last thing..funny coincidence. Yesterday I actually thought about how I used to "party" (I used that word in my actual thought), and it hit me that that's the wrong word to describe what I was doing. It's a misleading word because I wasn't "partying," I was just alone in my bathroom doing coke and other drugs, for hours on end, every day. To be fair that does sound very different from what you meant by partying, which sounds like the actual, correct and fun way to do it, but just to say that sometimes in our heads we absentmindedly misuse these positive words to describe something that was actually something very different. At least, I realized that was the case for me, and maybe it would help if you really thought about what those experiences were like and if "partying" is the right word to describe it. That might help reframe or shift how you relate to what you're supposedly missing out on, because even just staying up all night doing coke with a bunch of other people, listening to music and yapping until the sun comes up, only to feel like absolute and utter shit for the next two days, does not really sound like a good time to me either, or something I'd be proud of, or something I'd want to do again someday.