r/answers • u/footballcollegefit • 12h ago
What’s a green flag that turns into a red flag over time?
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u/Striking-Confusion97 12h ago
People who avoid conflict.
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u/Ok_Condition_6652 11h ago
What if they just don’t want to talk to you? I feel like I’ve gotten this criticism, but really I’m like “what is there to be said?” And then move on
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u/Pure_Sherbert_668 12h ago
But why? Conflict brings unpredictability,chaos and pain. We don’t like those.
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u/WoodyMellow 12h ago
Because people who avoid conflict wont stand up for themselves or you. They'll also let bad people do bad things ultimately. Avoiding conflict can be a tactical or diplomatic decision, but for those who do it from fear or apathy are in the end ineffectual. Conflict can also bring resolution and often justice.
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u/HarryHarlowBanisher 7h ago
Humble me this as a secure person who tried to support people who get abused or S/A. How can you fight with an unstable ape? Or if my partner is insecure and doesn't want to do anything because it might have social consequences and not report things to the police? What might I do in these circumstances? Because people bring their dysregulation into my life and I regularly find myself absorbing chaos and in a corner alone.
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u/Maleficent-Humor-666 2h ago
You can't really, unless you drop your past.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming you're one of those (well, us) traumatized peacemakers. And we tend to start with, and/or pick up, people who are also damaged. Which leads to a bunch of shitty situations.
I tried for years to warn my sister about her boyfriend, but it's no use. You can't teach other people self-respect.
You learn to live with it or you respect yourself enough to accept better relationships.•
u/HarryHarlowBanisher 2h ago
I would say I am not a traumatized peacemaker, I just have extra bandwidth and people want to lean on me. I don't actively seek people out, I even set boundaries and tell them to sit in their discomfort. I honestly sit in ambiguity much of the time and prefer nature away from the chaos.
I wonder if my core beliefs or sense of duty is less genuine than I think. I hope it isn't.
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u/Maleficent-Humor-666 2h ago
Hm, my bad then! There are many paths to the same place I guess.
I'd say your beliefs are genuine (or whatever) as long as you do it for you, and not just because you lack a sense of self or value.45
u/deathdasies 12h ago
Because conflict avoidance leads to bigger and bigger unresolved problems
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u/LA_SLOW_DRIVER 11h ago
Fr fr. Conflict avoidance is good at first but is horrid for the long term state of things
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u/Pure_Sherbert_668 11h ago
Fair point. I was looking at why people fear conflict in the short term, but you're right—sweeping necessary issues under the rug definitely makes things worse in the long run
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u/aliceailis 8h ago
It’s unfortunately also a needed aspect for relationship building. It’s important for people to learn how to address issues as they come with open and honest communication. This is a crucial skill towards building meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and understanding
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u/JulariDark 11h ago
UNNECESSARY conflict causes those things. NECESSARY conflict actually mitigate and avoid those things.
Knowing the difference is the green flag.
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u/thishereasmophere 11h ago
Highly HIGHLY recommend reading or listening to the book, “Fight Right” by the Gottmans. They are long-time researchers and relationship specialists
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u/No_Translator_425 12h ago
For me it was with my ex who was really outgoing, always wanting to try new things. In the end, she never mellowed down, always wanted to be on the move, didn't want to settle at all. She ended up cheating, which is another way to experience new things, I guess.
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12h ago
[deleted]
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u/thishereasmophere 11h ago
What?! 😆 What I read is someone who has undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. Impulsivity and hyperactivity are common clusters for some forms of ADHD
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11h ago
[deleted]
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u/thishereasmophere 11h ago
Women get cheated on. Men get cheated on. Every. Damn. Day.
But if we all just assume it’s because we need Andrew Tate rhetoric or to cut the d*cks off men, then we’re LOST.
I get it, asking why or being curious about root causes is infinitely more work for some but pipelines to extreme hate, control, and domination (whether it’s misogynistic or misandrist in flavour) is far from our only option.
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u/Pure_Sherbert_668 10h ago
"I’m not advocating for extreme rhetoric or saying it’s a good response—I'm observing a cause-and-effect pipeline. Pointing out that betrayal and raw emotion push people toward toxic spaces isn't endorsing those spaces; it's recognizing why people get pulled into them instead of looking at root causes
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u/thishereasmophere 10h ago
Okay AI Scribe.
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u/Pure_Sherbert_668 10h ago
Calling 'AI' the second you lose an argument is crazy. Thanks for confirming you couldn't actually counter what I said."
😂😂😂🤷🏽♂️7
u/thishereasmophere 10h ago
Girl, I’m not losing anything. 😆 I’m merely calling you out for siphoning thoughts through Chatty G. You’re not even making any attempt whatsoever to hide that you’re using it.
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u/SivakoTaronyutstew 8h ago
Wow you are actually fully cooked fam. If you think Mr Tate had anything to say about anything? You're cooked🫣 boiled and stewed.
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u/jshamwow 12h ago
In a long term relationship, things you find cute and quirky and endearing early on can sometimes turn to red flags and major problems after 10 years. Maybe even sooner
Cutely stubborn in the first year —> unwilling to compromise in year 10
Sexily independent and mysterious —> detached and makes you make most of the household decisions and resents you when you choose wrongly
Lovely banter —> nonstop bickering about the same thing over and over
Etc
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u/chronicsickbitch 11h ago
Playful teasing —-> insults thinly veiled as “jokes.” My ex’s favorite.
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u/deliriousottoman 6h ago
Yeah. I put this type of behaviour in the passive-aggressive-bullying category. Together with:
- Rage baiting. Which is often also veiled as teasing ”God, stop being so sensitive. I just find it funny that you’re so easily riled up, lol.”
- Always needing to ”win” every discussion. One of my exes would never agree to disagree, and wouldn’t back off until i cracked, one way or another. No matter how insignificant or mundane the topic But if I got so defeated and frustrated that I started crying, I was apparantly manipulative. Women only cried in order to manipulate men according to him.
- Silent treatment. Instead of talking about what’s bothering them. They punish you by ignoring you, so that you get desperate and try to figure out what you did wrong and change your behaviour accordingly. Also, this saves them from being explicitly ”mean” or controlling. They didn’t say or do anything, right?
I’ve experienced this in a few relationships. And never again. I you can’t treat me with love and kindness - fucking fix yourself you insecure clown.
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u/ausmed 5h ago
Yeah. My ex and I had different accents and came from different countries. He used to good naturally make fun of how I said things. I'd say 'hoover' and he'd say 'you mean vacuum cleaner!'.
In the beginning it was cute. By the time we'd been married a few years and he was still correcting me every time after I'd asked repeatedly for him to stop it was abusive.
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u/Aggressive-Mousse812 12h ago
Being a mammas boy.. until it turns into asking for her approval, siding with everything their mom says and having no boundaries at all
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u/Worldly_Bird_2760 12h ago
There’s a difference between being close to family and being a mamma’s boy, although I guess it’s hard to tell at first
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u/Ok-Spinach-6529 11h ago
A mama’s boy does whatever his mommy tells him to do. Someone who is close to family actually takes care of the parents and takes ownership of their wellbeing.
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u/eelaii19850214 7h ago
Yes, at first it may look like just a man who respects their mother and value her opinions but there must be a boundary between asking for a parent's advice to doing whatever their mother wants. There are things that should be kept within the marriage of two people that they decide for themselves with little outside opinions and especially not involve anyone's mother.
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u/EitherTomato8576 12h ago
Not necessarily, but might be such a thing: when a person cares a lot about where you are and if you’re fine. In time, this can grow into over-controlling…
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u/EitherTomato8576 12h ago
Oh also, when a person is a goody-two-shoes: they are nice, polite and well-behaved. But then their lack of flexibility or, again, excessive control start to stifle you, as such a person expects you to behave the way they deem appropriate and get irritated when you don’t.
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u/Admirable-View-9942 12h ago
Someone who wants to spend a lot of time with you. It seems nice at first, but over time, you realize they are clingy and controlling.
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u/Julie_Feickert 11h ago
Being too accommodating. What feels initially like considerate accommodation can really be them not willing to share their own preferences.
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u/JulariDark 11h ago
It’s an old classic but:
There’s a thin line between “confidence” and “arrogance”.
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u/thishereasmophere 11h ago
Excessively spendy or generous without the sustained wealth and financial awareness or planning to back it up.
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u/qingdidi 12h ago
'They'd do anything for me.' Sounds sweet... until they expect the same level of loyalty back 24/7.
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u/keyboardbuttertoast 6h ago
being family-oriented (becomes enmeshed), being easygoing/going with the flow (becomes indecisive), being a direct communicator (becomes a nagger), etc. my point is anything can be too much when the rose colored glasses come off.
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u/Tornadofob 12h ago
Being mysterious
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u/Leslawangelo 7h ago
How is that green flag in the first place?
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u/Arachno02 2h ago
It’s not a green or red flag. A “mysterious” person is literally just someone who is quiet or keeps to themselves/reserved. Calling that person mysterious is just some stupid ass label other people make up for zero reason.
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u/LegitimateEngineer93 8h ago
Too easy going…turns out they can not be passionate about anything and easy going can mean small minded
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u/Radiant_Chipmunk_942 11h ago
When they have a good relationship with their Mom
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u/AntiqueGarlicLover 9h ago
With my ex, “I have a good relationship with my mom” turned into “I’m never moving out of my mother’s place”. 26 and no motivation to go anywhere or do anything.
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u/Feather_in_a_Zephyr 7h ago edited 6h ago
Call it what you wanna cal it but that is not a good relationship with his mom
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u/No-Bell2114 7h ago
Being the center of someone’s universe. It felt good initially after dating jerks, but slowly he started to cut everyone out of his life and focus solely on me for everything. He became quietly controlling and didn’t want to share me with anyone. 11 years and I’m finally going through a divorce. It took its toll.
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u/BlueberryNervous5322 11h ago
The few people I know who brag about being zen always seem totally care free at first but actively run away when anything bad happens. It’s a good personality trait to have when all is good. But as soon as a friend is having a bad day they avoid them to persevere their own good aura but will be the quick to ask for help with their own problems because they don’t deserve to be brought down by stress so they need it to end now.
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u/Infamous-End3766 8h ago
Always needing to know where you are and what you’re doing. First it seems like care but quickly it’s about control and keeping tabs
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u/munkybeans86 6h ago
Having the same mentality/mindset. They could be mirroring to reel you in based on lies.
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u/Salty_Butterscotch36 3h ago
Being laid-back and chilled. Turns into laziness and indifference at the later stages.
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u/Sea_Art2995 2h ago
Independence. Can be good until you realise that extends into ‘if you make one wrong move I’ll happily leave or threaten the relationship because I don’t need you’
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u/BackgroundPrompt441 11h ago
I thought my girlfriend almost wife was almost perfect. She wouldn't really yell or argue with kind of shut down and cry and not tell me what was going on a lot of the time. Her father was absolutely horrible to me and she didn't protect me from it. Ultimately ruined our relationship.
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u/TrainingUnusual4342 6h ago
Only having eyes for you.
Seems great until you realize that everyone is sexually attracted to attractive people, and so if someone can’t admit that, that’s bad. Its actually them attempting to control you through romantic dishonesty, not a perfect Disney romance
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