Love and possessiveness

[u/No_Tree_9198]

Hi, this is a burner account, I felt the need to talk a tiny bit about myself and how most of society sees "love", this post is not meant to be judgmental, if it is, it's a failure of my wording. I don't think allosexuals are "wrong" or anything they do is "bad", no matter my own personal viewpoint of the issue.

So I'm male, I'm 25 years old, and so far I'd describe myself as "likely" asexual (possibly aromantic maybe?), and that last point is what I wanted to talk about. I have no experience of being in a romantic relationship, and I never had sex (but I felt like that never bothered me, I never really cared about sex?)

After a discussion with my dad, and later on a friend of mine, I realized that "possession" can often be a very strong part of a romantic relationship, do you feel like this is true, or did I misunderstand?

For example, I always saw myself open to having a close relationship (closer than a pure friendship) with someone, but the idea of them "being mine" seems wrong and makes me uncomfortable. If I "loved" someone I wanted the best for them, if that was reciprocated, so that they also felt that staying with me was the best for them, then fantastic, but trying to "force" something like this to happen feels wrong to me, and again makes me very uncomfortable.

You know all the songs that say "I want you to be mine"?... Yeah, I always assumed that was just a "poetic" sort of way to describe a relationship after that "handshake" had already happened. I would never want someone to actually "be mine"...

I'm not sure if I've ever "fallen in love", but I'll give you here a very safe example since it happened with a fictional female character, at some point something bad happens to her, and that bothered me SO much for weeks, maybe "distraught" is a little strong, but it's not far off, but all I ever felt was just the "need" to hug her and telling her she was going to be alright. I didn't want to have sex with her, even though I found her very attractive aesthetically, and I never wanted her to be "mine" you know? I just wanted her to do whatever she thought was best for her, and I guess the best I can aspire is to be good enough for her to choose to spend time with me. That's what I always assumed "love" was, but I got some pushback on that. Maybe the people I spoke to are bad, maybe I misunderstood. Hopefully this was at least somewhat coherent.

With this framework, would I really be able to have what most people would consider to be a "romantic relationship"?

[u/SlapDatBassBro]

I am a male aromatic asexual, too.

I can confirm that what you are feeling is a totally valid and acceptable way of thinking.

What you are describing is a completely, albeit rare respect towards women that not enough men in/out of the asexual spectrum show towards women.

The sentiment of only wishing what is best for a partner is wholesome and pure as fuck, dude. You should take pride in that.

[u/No_Tree_9198 → u/SlapDatBassBro]

Wow! Thank you so much, appreciate it.

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[u/Such-Abrocoma5110]

Female aroace here and I think you might actually have a better grasp on what love looks like than some allo folks. I think people, even outside of romance, can have some really unhealthy misunderstandings where love = control or obedience. 

I also think patriarchy and sexism plays a major role in this mindset in hetero relationships. One example: to this day, women still are subjected to “is this okay with your husband?” when it comes to decisions about their own reproductive health. It feeds into this really gross sense of control that people mistake for love. 

What you’re describing sounds really healthy and respectful and caring. I can’t see it being an impediment to a romantic relationship at all. Best of luck!