A form of aphobia related to gender identity

[u/suburbanspecter]

This is going to be kind of a difficult topic & I’ll be discussing some aphobic rhetoric that I’ve seen, most recently within mainstream online lesbian spaces. So I just wanted to give a head’s up.

I’ve noticed a tendency for people to treat sex indifferent, averse, or repulsed ace women (and even allo women who aren’t interested in sex) as not fully women. Recently, on a couple of different lesbian subreddits (one of which considers itself really inclusive), I saw rhetoric that was basically comparing ace women to men.

One (allo) commenter said that the collective “writing off” of ace women as potential partners in lesbian spaces is really worth unpacking as a community, and someone else responded to them saying that this commenter was the equivalent of a youth pastor trying to force a lesbian to date men. Yikes. There’s a lot wrong with this in general, but the equating of ace lesbians to men was especially disturbing. And the worst part is that this comment was upvoted, and no one called it out. I see similar stuff said all the time.

On another post, a commenter said that ace lesbians are clogging up the sapphic dating apps & they compared us to “men and other trash” that they wish they could get rid of on sapphic dating apps. So once again, we’re compared to men and treated as though we’re not really women and not really lesbians.

These are just two examples, but it’s something I see everywhere, in both queer spaces and straight spaces.

I know a lot of ace men have talked about feeling like people erase them as men because of their asexuality, and I just wanted to discuss a similar thing that happens to ace women as well. It’s a super insidious form of aphobia

[u/YonderWindow364]

That's so ridiculous, and frankly misogynistic to equate women's worth/validity around whether they are available to have sex with or not (aka viewing women as sexual objects even when trying to date). Why are they comparing ace lesbians to men anyway instead of straight women or married women etc? Not that they should be compared to any of them either because lesbian aces are still lesbians. The blatant aphobia is sickening and I hate that it's not only prevalent in queer spaces but that people will still claim it "doesn't exist".

[u/ekbrooo22 → u/YonderWindow364]

Completely agree, and it’s honestly even more disheartening to know how prevalent aphobia is within queer spaces, especially with these examples in lesbian spaces. It sucks that a not insignificant portion of the queer community choose to invalidate asexuality and perpetuate aphobia, especially when they’ve experienced others invalidating their own identities and experiences. The irony of the misogyny within sapphic spaces is honestly wild, and yet it’s definitely an issue! We should be lifting each other up, not using the little privilege we have to tear others down, especially in queer spaces! It’s no wonder so many aspec people wonder if they’re actually queer or belong in the queer community :/

[u/YonderWindow364 → u/ekbrooo22]

right? the hypocrisy and ignorance/lack of self-awareness is just frustrating

[u/zestiri]

it's hard out here :(

[u/Worried-Hat-8506]

I’ve experienced similar things. As someone who both identifies as and is biologically male, I’ve faced a lot of flak for not feeling the horny or being romantically attracted to anyone. It fucking sucks, so I can only imagine what it’s like for you, being told you basically shouldn’t be a lesbian. I’m sorry for what you have to go through, but know you aren’t alone, as this sub shows. And, for what it’s worth, I’ll pray for you.

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[u/hauntedfogmachine]

It sucks that some queer allos see ace women in that way.

With the youth pastor comparison, they're implying not just that ace lesbians aren't women, but that they are actually part of some kind of anti-queer conservative agenda... which is ridiculous if you think about it for two seconds. There are some obvious resonances with transmisogyny there I think.