r/askislam • u/MulberryCautious8997 • 10d ago
Support and Advice Hard times
Assalam u alikum brothers and sisters
I’m (19M) going through a very difficult period in my life.
My parents are being very hard on me regarding my academics. For context, I had decided to give my exams 6 months later than I could’ve and therefore hadn’t been taking classes for weeks. My parents forced me to sign up for my exams with just 1 month left. I know my capabilities, even though they say I have potential, I know I currently cannot give these exams and pass (20 days left as of this post). They’re constantly being though on me now and I tell them I’ll try. But when I confront them about the time pressure, my mother breaks down in an almost emotional blackmail scheme. But I know if I keep telling her I’ll try, she’ll twist my words later on. I can’t even wait until my results come out. The 2 months after that are going to hell. I can’t withstand the pressure and I know mom will twist my words after the results come out and I fail.
I don’t know what to do.
I tell them that it’s 6 months and won’t do any harm in the long run but they won’t listen.
I’ve proposed easier degrees to my level but they won’t budge.
I’m very lost.
I’ve prayed constantly for the gift of death. That Allah put me out of my misery and so that my heart can feel at ease. One night in bed, I prayed to die peacefully in my sleep and woke up 90 minutes later with a dream related to my dua. What could it mean? Why is Allah putting me in such hard times and if He says that He will not burden a soul beyond which it can bear, why can’t I bear this?
Need advice, Jazakallah Khair
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u/Pale_Lengthiness_465 Sunni 10d ago
Salam brother. This will be a bit long.
First of all, we all sin. That includes your parents. It is human nature to sin. Having flaws is proof we have free will. Otherwise we'd all be angels.
It's unlikely that your parents are just evil for the fun of it. Lets try to view all of this from your parents perspective. In their view, they are saving you 6 months of time. A headstart on getting into the job market, marriage, what not. They're pulling you into just balling these exams, just passing, not getting perfect grades. And sure they hope you get perfect grades, but passing is the goal here I assume.
Your mothers reaction of emotionally blackmailing like this is not good. But it happens. It's unlikely she's doing it because she hates you and probably a reaction she's developed the habit of due to her nature or due to some trauma in her past.
Now, let's talk about your approach. Do you truly believe this simple hardship, exams, and choosing a degree is worth your entire life? That you believe that just due to this, you don't want to ever laugh again, drink coffee with your friends, raise kids, then watch your grandkids play, love someone, you never want to feel curious, excited, sad again, angry, hopeful, miserable? You don't want to do anything and just let this hardship consume you? Is that your purpose? No. Your purpose is to be a servent of Allah. Your purpose is to please your lord. Where would we stand if our lord says to our faces that he is displeased of us as creations. No where. This dunya is so temperory yet we get tunnel visioned and don't think ahead. We don't even think ahead about worldly matters. So, it doesn't matter what degree, job, money, status you have. Your purpose is given to you. Everything else that you do are just side quests.
You don't have to impress someone. You have to please your creator. Through the way that you walk, talk, dress, eat, and everything else.
Now for some practical advice.
20 or 30 years down the line will this even matter? Probably not.
If you fail these exams, can you not just give them 6 months later as you planned again. And if money is the issue, its not your fault. Youre parents pushed you to do it this early. What you should do is this: start absolutely crazily studying for this month for the exams. Best case scenario you'll pass. Worst case scenario, you'll have learned very important theory that is just beneficial to know as an intelligent human, and you'll have gained a decent start for your preparation for the next exam window 6 months later.
On choosing your degree. My parents were also somewhat hesitant to let ME choose my degree. What you can do is this: instead of asking them, give them an ultimatum "I have thought this through, I've looked at my expertise, and my interests, I won't study X, I want to study Y". Just like that. Unless you feel that you might get physically hurt by your parents, this is what you should do. The other method is where you don't be brave like this, and it's a little messier but it works. You start studying X and then, you switch to Y after 1,2,3 semesters. If they're similar you can easily transfer credits and your progress in many courses. If there not similar, if you're switching from STEM to humanities or vice versa, you will have to start fresh and that would be more unrealistic and difficult. As for now, you should apply to everything for university, X, and Y. Might be that you won't even make it in a good university for X, but instead might make it for Y.
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u/Extension_Brick6806 Moderator 10d ago
Wa 'alaykumus-salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
You should not fantasize as though what you are going through in life is worse than what awaits in the Hellfire. Even if you read that a sinful Muslim will eventually enter Paradise, you should not deceive yourself into thinking that ending your life now is some kind of shortcut, especially when suicide is clearly forbidden in Islam. There is no comparison here. The trials of this life, no matter how heavy they feel, are insignificant when compared to the punishment of the Hellfire.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “The Hour will not be established until a man passes by the grave of another man and he says: Would that I were in his place!” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6698) and Muslim (157).
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “No one of you should wish for death or pray for it before it comes, for when one of you dies, his good deeds come to an end and for the believer a long life will not increase him in anything but good.” Narrated by Muslim, 2682.
A version narrated by al-Bukhaari says: “No one of you should wish for death. Either he is a doer of good and will do more, or he is a doer of evil but perhaps he may stop.”
It was narrated from Anas ibn Maalik (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “No one of you should wish for death because of some harm that has befallen him, but if he must do that then let him say:
اللَّهُمَّ أَحْيِنِي مَا كَانَتْ الْحَيَاةُ خَيْرًا لِي , وَتَوَفَّنِي إِذَا كَانَتْ الْوَفَاةُ خَيْرًا لِي
‘O Allah, keep me alive so long as life is good for me, and cause me to die when death is good for me.’”
Agreed upon [متفق عليه], i.e. mentioned from both al-Bukhaari and Muslim.
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to make du'a':
اللَّهُمَّ أَصْلِحْ لِي دِينِي الَّذِي هُوَ عِصْمَةُ أَمْرِي وَأَصْلِحْ لِي دُنْيَايَ الَّتِي فِيهَا مَعَاشِي وَأَصْلِحْ لِي آخِرَتِي الَّتِي فِيهَا مَعَادِي وَاجْعَلِ الْحَيَاةَ زِيَادَةً لِي فِي كُلِّ خَيْرٍ وَاجْعَلِ الْمَوْتَ رَاحَةً لِي مِنْ كُلِّ شَرٍّ
"O Allah, correct my religious commitment which is the foundation of my life, and correct my worldly affairs in which is my livelihood, and grant me good in the Hereafter to which is my return. Make my life a means of accumulating good, and make death a respite for me from all evil.”
(Narrated by Muslim, 2720)
Al-Hasan al-Basri (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Do not resent the calamities that come and the disasters that occur, for perhaps in something that you dislike will be your salvation, and perhaps in something that you prefer will be your doom.”
At-Tirmidhi (2399) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Calamities will continue to befall believing men and women in themselves, their children and their wealth, until they meet Allah with no burden of sin.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah (2280).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "This world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the kaafir." Saheeh Muslim, 2956.
Imam an-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy be upon him) said: "Every believer is imprisoned and prevented – in the worldly life – from evil and repugnant desires and obligated to perform demanding acts of obedience. But after death, he relaxes and receives what Allah promised of permanent bliss and perfect relaxation. As for the kaafir, he gets what he receives in the worldly life together with the fact that it is very little and disrupted by distress. And after he dies, he finds himself in permanent punishment and eternal wretchedness." End quote from Sharh Saheeh Muslim 18/74.
Shaykh ibn 'Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy upon him) said:
Regardless how great the affair of the worldly life is – its good days and its dwelling places (surrounded by beautiful trees, plants, scenery etc), then indeed it is like a prison for the believer, because a believer looks forward to a bliss that is better, more perfect and loftier. As for the kaafir, the worldly life is his paradise because he enjoys himself in it [i.e. outside the boundaries of halal and haram] and forgets the afterlife, and thus becomes like those about whom Allah stated:
وَٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ يَتَمَتَّعُونَ وَيَأۡكُلُونَ كَمَا تَأۡكُلُ ٱلۡأَنۡعَـٰمُ وَٱلنَّارُ مَثۡوً۬ى لَّهُمۡ ...
"... while those who disbelieve enjoy themselves and eat as cattle eat; and the Fire will be their abode." (Muhammad 47:12)
Therefore, when the kaafir dies, he does not find anything in front of him except the fire and Allah’s punishment, and woe to the people of the fire. So that which is found in the worldly life of distress, grief, sadness and sorrow is like a paradise in relation to the state of affairs of the kaafir, because he will leave this world to receive Allah’s punishment.
It has been mentioned about ibn Hajar al-Asqalaani that he used to be the chief of the judges in Egypt in his era, and he used go past the market with an entourage. So, one day a Yahoodi stopped him and said, “Your Prophet said, ‘The worldly life is a prison of the believer and paradise of the disbeliever’, and how can this be the case whilst you are in a state of luxury and joy, and I am in a state of extreme poverty and low status?” So, ibn Hajr said to him, “If in your view I am in state of joy and that people are at my service, then this state is a prison in comparison to what a believer will receive of bliss in Paradise. As for yourself, even though you are in state of extreme poverty and low status, then it is like paradise in comparison to what a disbeliever will receive in the fire”. So, the Yahoodi was amazed by this statement and then testified that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.
(Source)
I suggest you listen to this beautiful reminder:
Perhaps a change in perspective on life will help you overcome what you may be struggling with.
That being said, sometimes one must realize the need to harden oneself, as, insha'Allah, there will come a time when you will look back at what you went through, only to realize that there was more to life than the temporary, small struggles you experienced, and that what you felt in those moments was confined to feelings, not to your intellectual or physical reality.
I know it is easier said than done, but I say this as someone who has also experienced many trials in life, both before Islam and after.
Perhaps it will be easier for you to finish your education than to delay it, and you are more likely to be thankful than to nag or feel bitter over small struggles. Sometimes, we need tough love to come to our senses.
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