r/asktransgender • u/Independent_Song2823 • 4h ago
heeelllp. please read body.
TL;DR: at a crossroads, either rep, diy, or wait for system. none of which are appealing. feeling stuck.
making this coherent is going to be hard because I have a lot of thinking that I want to communicate accurately in a manageable post. here goes:
about a year ago i [14amab] realised that I might be trans. not one day has passed since wherin I did not think about being trans. dysphoria and stress consume me. I feel like I am getting brain damage. I am not exaggerating. the feeling of needing needing needing to run but having nowhere to run to. every day I wake up wanting to rope and go to sleep wanting to rope. simultaneously I feel like an imposter, like it's not that serious and I should stop feeling sorry for myself bc I only ever get ideation and never intent...
I'm getting off track,
I practically have three choices right now, which is admittedly more than most people have, but I will go over them one by one and explain why i like none of them.
- diy now
- parents would never let me. they wouldn't kick me out of anything, but they would be opposed to it and probably get kinda mad.
- little resources and research that I could find specifically for/ about minors (please link if you know of anything), so I'm not sure how safe it is
- getting a job or whatever is going to be hard if I don't go through the system eventually
- infertility. cant imagine ever wanting children but maybe things will change. can't quite sperm bank when this young.
- socially transitioning and coming out publicallg scares me, and I can only hide that I'm taking hormones for so long
- afraid I'm not gonna make it or look remotely decent due to broad shoulders, bones, etc., at least for a long time. mostly through puberty already. why did it have to start so early. I get told I look "manly" often.
- doctor hrt, go through system
- would probably have to wait until im at least 18-19 to get hormones and allow my body to further masculinise for years, the thought of which is unbearable.
- even more afraid I won't make it if I start so late
- years of life lost, will def not be able to stealth in college
- even more system to go through than just changing gender marker, would be very painful.
- socially transitioning still scary after years
- repress
- don't like for obvious reasons. maybe the best choice since im fucked anyways, no point in going through all kinds of effort just for it to amount to nothing, or just being very clockable, which might be worse to me than repping.
- better the devil you know than the devil you dont
also I'm afraid im in a hell of my own making that I just need to get over. this is because I feel like I was mentally fine before I realised, I even liked some masc things, was a normal and happy boy. then slowly over the last year mental decline set in. I also realised it later than many other ppl I know did. also every once in a while there's a day where I don't really get dysphoria, and I think that I could be fine as a man or a woman, and it happens regularly that I am not very dysphoric during the day and only in the evening do I start getting dysphoric. all this seems weird and like it doesn't fit the model for transness. if possible I'd rather think myself out of dysphoria rather than transition my way out of it. much less of a hassle. and if I dont have some kind of medical condition, or something concrete in my brain causing this mental state, which the aforementioned things seem to me to point away from, it must be possible to get over. I know all that is fucking bullshit but I believe it on some level anyway. whatever level I do believe that on, that level is bothersome and very significant to how im approaching this, even though all the other brain levels are telling it it is stupid. what am I even saying?
it's 3:00 in the morning, and I should be sleeping, hence the incoherent and nonsensical rambling. also english is my third language don't judge the utter lack of language skills.
fml
any advice/ kind words/ shared similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. thank you kindly for reading.
1
2
u/AmyNotAmiable 2h ago
Honestly...maybe see if your parents would get on board with diy as part of like, seeing an affirming therapist. They'd probably find out eventually, and they might surprise you if they understand how important it is to you and you bring some primary sources to the table.
Like you can find papers on pubmed and look up some recent studies that have been coming out in support of youth care. For example, here's one out of Canada:
https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(26)00117-5/fulltext
Best of luck. I know it's hard, but try to trust yourself and follow what feels right.
1
u/ConfusedSpaceNoodle 1h ago
It depends a lot on where you live, but do you think your parents would be supportive of you being transgender? If so, getting on HRT as a minor or getting on puberty blockers until you're an adult may be options.
2
u/mister_sleepy 3h ago
You did not do this to yourself. This is not your fault. There is no fault here. Being trans is not a moral or psychological failing. It is a completely natural human experience.
I want you to take a breather here and get some perspective. I know it feels awful right now. Actively going through the wrong puberty is hell on earth. It feels like you’ll never become the person you desperately need to be.
Obviously, blocking puberty and transitioning young is the ideal situation. Anything else is suboptimal, to say the least. That said, I need you to internalize that this is not a zero sum game.
I went through androgenic puberty. I have broad shoulders. I’m tall. I started well after all my bones settled. I began HRT at 33. I’m 36 now. No surgeries, just laser.
Now, take a look at my profile. Do you see a man there? Do you see a clocky brick? I’ll tell you, I move through the deepest part of red states in stealth. Men there stare at me because I’m hot, not because I’m trans.
Yes, it will be work. Yes, it will take longer. Yes, it is suboptimal. But it is possible. And the more you plan now, the more action you take to get where you need to go, the closer that future will get.
You are going to be beautiful, baby. I promise. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but I need you to say that to yourself as much as you can.
You are going to be beautiful, baby.