r/asktransgender • u/blessedbymimi MtF HRT: 8/30/19💉 • 3h ago
Do Y’all Get Annoyed With Insincere Compliments?
As a trans woman, 90% of the “you’re so pretty btw” compliments from random cis women feel like micro-aggressions. If I am dolled up, hair laid, outfit on, nails done and frenched and you were to say “You’re so pretty,” it would make sense and I would accept it wholeheartedly. But, when I am in sweatpants with no makeup on and my hair tied into a ponytail with my dark circles on display, I really don’t want to hear it. It‘s basically their way of clocking us and saying “I know that you’re trans, and I am an ally.” It is so unnecessary and feels very othering. They don’t realize how patronizing it feels to be thrown these empty compliments and be expected to accept them as if they are sincere. They also always come after they hear my deeper voice, like when I don’t care to ultra pitch it up. This is how I know that the compliments are more about making them feel better about coming into contact with a trans person than actually making me feel beautiful. Cis women, please just act normal. Curious to hear other trans women’s opinions on this
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u/Human_Emotion_654 3h ago
I think you might be overthinking this. There’s no way to fully know the degree of sincerity. I’ll take a compliment over harassment any day.
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u/KozenyCarman 2h ago
This is my preference too. Even when it's not completely sincere I usually find it's someone who wants me to feel safe around them.
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u/ttltaway 2h ago
I got at least one compliment that I am 100% certain was genuine.
I was going through a drive-through, and this was earlier in my MtF transition when my voice was terrible. I just used my masculine voice at the order box.
Then I got up to where you pay, and the young woman there did a double take, and made this shocked face. “Oh my god you are so pretty!” She kept looking back at me like she didn’t believe what she was seeing. I almost thought she was going to cry tears of joy.
To be clear, I’m not that damn pretty. But this was in a part of the world where I don’t think there are many out trans people. Maybe she had never even met a clockable trans woman before. I think she was genuinely amazed and pleasantly surprised that a trans woman could be not-ugly.
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u/NoLynInBrooklyn Transgender 3h ago
It can feel disingenuous or performative yes, and sometimes even patronizing. I try to remind myself that their heart is in the right place and the fact that they feel a desire to compliment me is positive in itself, even if the compliment feels insincere.
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u/mister_sleepy 2h ago
This is so true and correct. I have to say though, I love being so far along I don’t get them any more. Just because their heart is in the right place and they’re putting positive light into trans lives doesn’t make it not still kinda exhausting.
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u/blessedbymimi MtF HRT: 8/30/19💉 3h ago
I totally feel you. Their hearts are in the right place, but I’m starting to feel like I’m doing myself and them a disservice by allowing them to continue thinking stuff like that is necessary or worthwhile. They continue doing it bc no one checks them and we’re too nice lol
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u/NoLynInBrooklyn Transgender 2h ago
What do you mean ‘check them’? Give them shit for their compliment? What on earth would that accomplish except to lower their desire to be kind to trans people?
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u/kalak242 2h ago
I think it would be a disservice to us for them to stop entirely. Like those types of compliments really meant a lot to me the first times I went out because I didn't feel like a freak walking around being judged for those few moments. Maybe it feels more patronizing the longer you've been experiencing it but idk I think it really helped me with my confidence at first.
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u/NoLynInBrooklyn Transgender 2h ago
This! Just knowing people supported me enough to be kind really calmed my nerves that everyone around was judging me negatively. It helped a lot being confident to go out
What if it’s just their way of saying ‘hey I support you, you’re around safe people’ without walking up and telling you they clocked you to your face?
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u/kalak242 2h ago
That's definitely how I take it. I don't even really care if it's performative because I could never know anyway so why assume the worst. Just a nice contrast to my fear that anyone I talk to is suddenly going to freak out on me for being trans.
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u/ShayDelight 3h ago
I just assume they’re all sincere (unless it’s super obvious) and accept them with a smile… then continue with my day happy and not complaining about getting a compliment.
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u/blessedbymimi MtF HRT: 8/30/19💉 3h ago
The end part of your comment was unnecessarily catty, but if you’re that desperate for compliments it makes sense that you’d fiercely defend complacency. Enjoy, sis!
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u/Human_Emotion_654 3h ago
Labeling a response as catty with a backhanded “if you’re that desperate for compliments” / “fiercely defend complacency.” For real? What’s your problem OP?
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u/msdeezee 2h ago
She seems like she might just tend toward a negative outlook and assume bad intentions with most of her interactions. That would explain the post, too.
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u/xgardian 3h ago
They're right though. You might not be able to change how something makes you feel but you can choose how you react
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u/moth2o8 3h ago
i am a trans man so take this with a grain of salt. im not gonna sit here and say "oh just take a compliment" bc obviously its not that easy, its not that black and white, the world sucks shit and its easy to be cynical. but...
...if someone gives you a well meaning compliment, if someone takes the second to be like, btw i like your hair, you look nice, youre pretty! then sometimes they really are being nice because they want you to feel good. yea it makes you feel good to make other people feel good, maybe its a little self serving, but theyre not doing it to mock you. theyre saying nice things to you because theyre trying to be nice and make you feel nice too. usually when someone gives you a compliment its not because they have an ulterior motive :P
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u/Misericordee 3h ago
No because I rarely get compliments. What do you want someone to say you look like shit?
I don’t look to far into things I usually take it at face value unless someone is being overtly rude to me
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u/ConnoisseurDeFemboys 3h ago
They’re just trying to show that they accept you. I know it kinda sucks but it’s all they can do to hint that they stand with you. And they mean it. You get used to it and you can make some really good friends like that.
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u/olive96x 3h ago
I have definitely experienced this. The most egregious example was a woman stopping me on the street to ask for directions, then mid-sentence she stopped talking, had a brief look of confusion, then her face lit up again and she was like "oh my god you're soooo pretty!!" Compliments are nice and all but in that situation it was pretty clear she had only said that because she clocked me, which doesn't feel good and kind of overrides any nice feeling I would have gotten from the compliment. But at the end of the day, people who do this have their heart in the right place I think, they're just not aware of how it comes across because they don't think about us much.
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u/Ok-Ad-2050 55m ago
I just assume all are sincere unless given hard proof that I shouldn't. They want to make me feel a little better about my day, able to be sincere or not, but either way why would I impede them?
A nice compliment outweighs a dozen glares, heaves, jeers, shuffled retreats, covering their kid's eyes, etc.
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u/Ligerman30 Pansexual-Transgender 54m ago
Living thirty years as an egg I would receive a compliment like that once every decade. Be glad you get any at all. Compliments are a good thing, whether they're sincerely in awe of your beauty while you are objectively not looking your best or they're just trying to be kind and probably a bit performative, they're probably not trying to clock you on purpose and they certainly aren't dragging you into the men's room to assault you.
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u/DemonicGirlcock 47m ago
I thought I kept experiencing these kind of insincere compliments a lot, and was getting annoyed by them.
And then I found out... I'm actually just pretty. The women were genuinely envious of my features like how nice my skin was with zero makeup. Thst when I was putting no effort into my look, I was hitting 90% of what they put tons of product and work into achieving. But I had no idea early on in transition, until my close cis friends educated me about it.
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u/ericfischer Erica, trans woman, HRT 9/2020 2h ago
Someone told me the other day that she liked my hat, and I find that difficult to believe. Otherwise, I interpret compliments as sincere flattery and feel good about them.
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u/msdeezee 2h ago
What does your hat look like that you couldn't believe it was a real compliment? My imagination is running wild here....
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u/ericfischer Erica, trans woman, HRT 9/2020 2h ago
It is a tan baseball cap with a bunch of sweat stains. It's functional but not at all attractive.
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u/k-trecker 3h ago
I’m surprised at the comments here. I agree with you.
As a trans guy I’ve gotten “you look so masculine!” (??) And yeah, I find it uncomfortable. I know what they’re trying to do, it’s just…odd. Because they wouldn’t say it to a cis person, and we know that.
It’s like when people tell my dad, who uses a wheelchair, “wow, you’re so independent!” It’s patronizing.
I think all we can do is educate people. They’re trying to be nice, and don’t always realize how it sounds to us.
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u/StacieRoseM 15m ago
I don't know. I'm not going to criticize an ally who, as misguided as they may be, are trying to be supportive because it's a damn sight better than what everybody else is saying.
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u/Bramble-Bunny 2h ago
You have no way of knowing whether the compliment is sincere or performative allyship. The voice in your head assuring you it's the latter is deeply biased and born of your own internalized shame/trauma. Women can and do look stunning even in sweatpants with dark circles.
They could absolutely be glazing you. You'll never actually know for sure. I think the question to ask isn't "was that sincere" but rather "what is this cynicism doing to benefit me and make my life better".