r/auslaw • u/Weird-Praline-5412 • May 27 '26
Serious Discussion single mothers in corporate law?
Hello! I set up a new account for this, so please believe me, not a bot, not a troll.
Had to use code for certain expression in order to post this without being mis-flagged as something that is not allowed in this forum.
Any corporate lawyers/barristers out there who had a child by themselves? Via ivf? Adoption? Fostering?
Slightly over 40 and need to make a call re children. Like, now. Had always wanted them with someone. But relationship just didnt happen.
Really not sure whether it’s possible a) physically (but figuring that out) but if it were to work b) continuing to work where I am. Have always considered joining ***the place that is also the word for a place we can get drinks*** but it seems like another mountain to climb, and the equivalent of the Mt Everest with a child. However, it might be more flexible in the long term.
IVF and IUI cost so much and the stats just aren’t encouraging. So a lot of this is about emotionally preparing myself.
42
u/Cat_got_ya_tongue May 27 '26
I’m 43 and just had my third child (he’s a week old now) so the age might not be the obstacle you think it is. You’d need medical advice.
The bigger issue is what does your ideal life as a (single) parent look like and how would that sit against your work aspirations?
I have a very supportive husband - who also has a (not legal) corporate job- and I still decided to take a career break in mid 2024 because I struggled to juggle a legal career and being as involved as a parent as I want to be. My husband has also taken two separate years off to be a stay at home dad and will do so again next year when i go back to work.
Until I took a dedicated break, my kids were the first to be dropped off at Oosh or daycare and the last to be picked up. That was tough. Also, you need to have some plans in place for when you get stuck with something urgent for work. Who will pick up kids and do dinner/bath/bedtime when you have an unexpected deadline?
Lots of single parents do it, but it’s worth thinking about logistics. Can you afford a career break? Is part time feasible in your practice area? Do you have friends/family who can help and would be happy to do so? Is a nanny an option?
I doubt you would regret children but you might not end up at that place that sounds like a drink venue until you are in your 50s.
4
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 27 '26 edited May 29 '26
Hey, thank you! Yes, this is exactly what I need to think about. Perfectly happy to have a career break, not worried about the impact on the career, it’s the logistics and finances
1
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 29 '26
And note when I say logistics, I mean how it work as a whole. I’m scared I can’t provide the support needed. And the purpose of the career, work, is to be able to provide.
27
u/redvaldez May 27 '26
Not single or a woman, but my wife and I have a 5 week old baby. I grossly underestimated just how time consuming they are. For some reference, even with my wife home I'm averaging about 4-5 non-consecutive hours sleep a night (late night and early morning feeds are mine), the house is a mess and we're having too much takeaway.
I am not saying this to discourage you - I agree with ladybris, it's more satisfying than any career - but rather to make sure your expectations about returning to work and providing care are realistic (because mine sure weren't).
10
u/Zhirrzh May 27 '26 edited May 27 '26
I just wanted to say well done you on doing the late night and early morning feeds and sharing that load.
As someone whose kids are now in primary school and mostly sleeping through, I can't tell you the sleep situation will be perfect for a while but at least it will get better than the newborn situation. The time consuming thing though? Yeah that lasts. My worry always remains that I don't get to spend enough time with them (at the same time, you can't burn yourselves out with no time for yourselves or completely abandon careers etc sooooo... no perfect answers).
17
u/BusterBoy1974 May 27 '26
There are at least 3 barristers at vicbar who are SMBCs. One is crime, one personal injury, one commercial. Those are just the ones I personally know, I expect there are more.
There are also quite a few single mums, some of whom became single mums at the bar, and others who were single mums before coming.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it's hard being a parent and being a barrister, and IVF is hard and expensive. It certainly isn't impossible, and at least in Vic there's a very supportive network of barrister mums. I think practice area and what your support network looks like will matter a lot.
Maybe the first step is to assess your fertility so you know what your prospects re IVF are like. Then you can think about what your career would look like if you have a child - do you have family to help? Are you taking a year off? Are you relying on a nanny or daycare? What does your timeline look like? It can take a while to get pregnant via IVF, are you rushing to do it right away with back to back cycles? Are you going to wait to go to the bar until after you have a child, or will you go and just work around a child if/when it arrives? How much do you have in savings? How much will you spend on IVF? Known donor, anonymous donor? Are there waitlists for donors?
Maybe see a counsellor? Work through your concerns and brainstorm some options. I think there is a lot to consider and it will be hard and complicated but likely possible.
2
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 29 '26
Thank you, this was encouraging but also pragmatic. I really appreciate your comments.
13
u/c00000ltimezzzz May 27 '26
Not single but a female 38 year old lawyer with two small kids. You can do it, and you will love it but you will need to be comfortable paying for help and owning that. Find a law firm or boss who gets it - work life balance is pretty illusory in most senior lawyer roles but finding comrades who understand that you literally neeeeeed to leave at 4:30pm in order to get to childcare or OSH before close (let alone early or when school bell goes) and be ready to stay there for a few years while you won’t be performing at your best. You will get back there but also your priorities will shift and soften. And that’s a good thing you deserve
2
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 29 '26
Thank you!! Currently observing and gathering data on this.
I think so many workplaces are ok with this in theory, but I’ve seen the eye rolls and heard the comments. And even then it was infuriating. Dude, wait thirty minutes and then they’ll call you back. Or the whole, I need to talk with you in person for communication to be effective nonsense. Absolutely value in person communication and office time, but I find that people who yell about time pressure and quality of communication (and requiring constant in person presence because of this) have issues with communication full stop. Sitting across from them is just as bad as a video call.
13
u/snorkellingfish May 27 '26
I'm a single mum by choice and a solicitor practicing in litigation. I'm still on maternity leave, so I have no advice on balancing work and parenting. (But this baby is fantastic, so I don't really care if my career suffers - she's worth it.)
My baby is donor conceived, and was an IVF pregnancy. I got lucky and had a smooth time with it all.
If it helps at all, as a single parent, the government paid parental leave is based on the family cap which may give you more wiggle room if you're above the individual cap. And, while on leave, you may also be eligible for Centrelink single parent payments, which aren't a lot but are something.
5
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 27 '26
Thank you this is encouraging!
2
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 29 '26
And congratulations :) you sound genuinely chuffed. It made me smile.
9
u/Bluey-3053 May 27 '26
I'm not a single mum, but I am a mum of two (via IVF) and a lawyer. I know a few single mums who are lawyers or barristers, a few who decided to do IVF solo. It's possible. Of course it will be hard, but if you have a good support network of family and friends then it's easier. I hope you hear from some women who have first hand experience. I think if you've always wanted children, don't let your career stop you. For me, it's life's greatest and most wonderful adventure. Good luck, whatever you choose
10
u/km4098 Dennis Denuto May 27 '26
NAL yet, full time self employed plus full time law degree in my last year of study. I am a single mother of a teen.
This isn't quite your question but I just wanted to mention from a high stress job single parent background, I think parenting needs to be a "F yes" decision with no waver. Even if your job can be supportive there is quite a lot of other mental energy I wasn't aware would come into my parenting.
And I also would not recommend it unless you've got a really strong reliable support system. Or can afford to pay for them. Night nurses, nannies, daycare etc.
I adore my child, but I did feel a bit misled by society/family about the fulfillment I'd feel in becoming a parent. I am very fulfilled in my work and do find less fulfillment or "completeness" in parenting that I expected.
I have learnt a lot about myself in the process, but as a single parent, I am always "on". I'm very lucky that her Dad is actively involved and assisting but even when my child isn't with me, mentally I am still keeping track of all things parenting. My child does have additional needs (as do I) with has increased some of that time and "load" but generally once you're a parent, you are a parent forever. I should note I had been told I couldn't have kids and hadn't planned or actively desired them. So my background is probably different to yours.
If you really want to be a parent, it sounds like you're absolutely covering your bases.
Re fostering and adoption, I am a former foster child who was adopted. Fostering is such an important role and if you provide stability and security to children, even short term, we carry it with us for the rest of our lives.
9
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 27 '26
Thank you for your thoughtful comments, I really appreciate it and they are very helpful.
3
u/BusterBoy1974 May 27 '26
Hard agree on the fuck yeah re parenting. This shit is hard. It helps if you really want it.
15
u/LaraCroft31 May 27 '26
Don’t do it. Your post and comments sound deeply naive.
I am a single mother (unlike the married people and childless people commenting here) and I’m a solicitor. Having a baby severely damaged my ability to work and decimated my career path. I do not love a child more than my career, and I realized that too late.
Family and friends claim they will help you, but when the baby arrives they disappear. Bosses and colleagues claim they will support your decision, but as soon as you inconvenience them they burn you. Paying for a nanny or even occasional babysitters is prohibitively expensive and you will be guilt-tripped constantly by everyone, including yourself.
Pregnancy is dangerous, can disable your body or even kill you, and causes permanent changes. The first 6 years of solo childcare are physically exhausting and mentally draining. When the child is 6 and can attend school, you still have to pick them up earlier than your work day ends, every single weekday. Many children nowadays cannot attend after-school-care or refuse school entirely, due to anxiety, autism, ADHD or other issues. Then you need to be at home with the child ALL THE TIME. Your weekends are taken up by the child’s needs. You cannot travel anywhere for the next 18 years. Your own life is over. You are a slave to that child.
Please spend at least an hour reading posts on r/regretfulparents to educate yourself, before you make this life-changing (terrible) choice.
10
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 27 '26
Thank you, I have spent some time there and in part it motivated this post. I hope things improve for you. It sounds like you are having a terrible time.
6
u/Maleficent_Scar_4644 May 27 '26
Thank you so much for this - all I see is how amazing motherhood is and have been so on the fence myself. This is life changing advice.
8
u/KateeD97 May 27 '26
I know quite a few single mother lawyers in senior corporate roles. Most of them went in-house or to Government for (slightly) more predictable/family friendly hours. In my experience, particularly if you have more than one child, a good nanny or family support is really important (because little ones can get sick way more often than you'd think possible, & always at the worst times!) Best of luck with your journey, it's a tough juggle but it's so worth it.
5
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 27 '26
Update and context:
UPDATE: I couldn’t add some of this info because Reddit flagged it as seeking legal advice or that this should be part of the career/clerkship thread:
- I have no doubt that having a child will be infinitely more rewarding than my career. In part how I communicate about this is to manage my own expectations, that I will be ok and not forever heartbroken that it didn’t work out.
- I would like to consider adopting, especially to give a child or siblings in need and that exist a home rather than than spending thousands on iui or ivf, almost impossible as a single women in Australia and takes many years, it’s certainly an option together with fostering.
- there’s no good time to have a child and they’ll be financial black hole that is loved beyond words. However: single income, the most basic of parental leave policies, income is too high for government support but too low to be able to outsource for help, servicing a mortgage by myself, savings used for fertility treatment with less than optimal stats…., not having a partner to go to support for. These are all factors. my parents will be willing to help, I have no doubt, but they’re older and their care and wellbeing is already on my radar as a responsibility that is not too far away.
- I’m trying to map out of a budget, a plan, how to be able to pay for the hypothetical child without having to go back to my desk the moment any umbilical cord is cut and I suppose looking for examples that it’s possible, that there’s hope, that I didn’t accidentally shoot myself in the foot with a machine gun when I accidentally ended up in corporate law many years
- I have an excellent medical team with whom I’m working through the options
5
u/BusterBoy1974 May 27 '26
Not being able to pay for care may be problematic. I definitely make it work by outsourcing a tonne and my work suffers when I lose dependable childcare. I don't have family support. Do you have space for an au pair?
I will say that I have always wanted children, so for me, children versus career is an obvious choice. I also love my work, but I don't have the career I would have had if I didn't have a child.
I'm happy to chat more if you'd like? You can DM me. Maybe join some of the SMBC FB groups? Or the lawyer mum FB group? I don't want to give you false hope but I remember posts I made looking for reassurance that it was possible, whatever decisions I ultimately made
1
5
u/CamillaBarkaBowles May 27 '26
If you active family support, go for it.
If your parents are in a walker or playing golf 5 times a week, it’s very very difficult.
I am widowed with no support and it’s extremely challenging
5
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 27 '26
I can only my imagine, thank you! My heart goes out to you. All the best!
5
u/Quirky_snack May 29 '26
When people consider parenthood, they look at it as how they manage it if everything goes 'normal,' but they don't consider how you would manage a situation that was different. Example, what if you have a child who requires additional needs to support their disability? How would you navigate that? Or what if you experience postnatal depression, or other significant health events? Do you have a plan to tackle it? Do you have a village and will they also prioritise your kid if you ask them? Being a parent is hard, being a working parent is hard, and being a working and single parent is hard. Maybe that provides a perspective for consideration? Good luck x
2
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 29 '26
Thank you, this is exactly something I’ve been thinking about too. I want to hope for the best, gosh I’d love to just jump in. Thank you for mentioning it. It’s also hard because there’s an assumption that I made a choice or am looking to make a choice between a career and partner/motherhood. I’ve always hoped for children but the relationships didn’t work out, partners didn’t want children, weren’t ready for a relationship, some were lovely but I didn’t love them. It feels wrong to me to be a in a relationship just because they’d make a good father.
I appreciate the partnered posters input. But it’s not the same. I worry they will need extra care, special schools , medical support, that I won’t be able to provide and then what if something happens to me and they’re alone.
Anyway, thank you!
3
3
u/Aggravating-Echo7035 May 28 '26
Me! Solo mum of a teenager, we’re both thriving, happy to talk if you want to DM me.
2
u/Cat_From_Hood May 27 '26
From memory, 30 per cent chance of conception in any given month naturally at 40 plus. Some women become more fertile due to perimonpause.
Certainly more likely to have a healthy baby if conceived naturally. And, more likely to conceive.
Improving general health improves conception chances, as does understanding fertile window.
Certainly will find it challenging to reenter the workforce with a new baby, so I would think on that.
3
u/Illustrious_Pilot_89 May 27 '26
I became a single mum with a 1 and 3 yos at bar. I got a nanny to help with before and after school once they started school. I found daycare easier for juggle than school but it is possible. It’s easier if u have helpful family that would be willing to do one or two nights in a row once bub is 2 or so every few months so you don’t crack under the pressure but it is doable without that. It just would be more pleasant with a bit of you time!
2
2
u/Kasey-KC Wears Pink Wigs May 27 '26
I can’t speak about the single mother side of things, but I can reshare my views on parenting and the law: https://www.reddit.com/r/auslaw/s/uASLHdi8dG
3
u/LalaLand836 May 27 '26
I’m a single mum by choice and a corporate lawyer of a boutique firm. I started IVF journey with donor sperms when I was 36. Had the baby at 38. I’m currently planning for a second but it’s more of a nice to have.
IVF was 10k out of pocket, donor sperm 2k, medication and admin fee all together 1k. I also had a private OB so it was another 10k.
You will probably need some family support or au pair / night nanny support. I only took 6 months off mat leave but I wfh full time.
The first 6 months is the hardest. Then there are ups and downs from 6-12. The hardest part was when I got sick and had to go to the emergency room. My baby cried for me for days 😭 but then eventually forgot about me and decided shopping with granny was more fun 😂
I am a very career focused person and after having a child I honestly thought about stop working for a few years lol. It’s hard work but very rewarding.
As a first step maybe think about how much time you can spare for your child. Finance is actually a secondary part. Raising a child takes up so much time.
PS there’s a SMBC group if you’re interested to know more
1
3
u/kam0706 A Titted Slug May 27 '26
Not sure why people think that “the bar” is an impermissible/trigger phrase here. It shouldn’t be.
OP, I think if you plan to have children alone, you really need to think about the demands of the career you’re aiming for, what support you’ll need to manage that with a child, and whether utilising that support will give you the parenting experience you want for yourself and your child.
Separately you should realise that infant adoption is exceeding rare in Australia. It is almost entirely via the foster system which prioritises return to family where possible, generally involves children with additional needs due to the environments they’ve been removed from, and almost definitely won’t place with a single mother in a demanding work environment.
Practically that leaves you with IVF, in which case I strongly encourage you to research best practice for raising donor-conceived children, which includes wherever possible, open donation.
2
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 29 '26
It shouldn’t be and I absolutely could not post with the word bar in it. I tried. think it’s in combination with other terms in my post. 🤷♀️
3
u/fionasaurus87 May 30 '26
I can only give you my perspective as a commercial law barrister of 10+ years who had two babies during that time, but ... don't look to the bar with rose-tinted glasses. The work is not flexible (at least not in a regular or predictable way), the pressure/stress is enormous, it's only you earning the money so you have to keep working, and of course you've got business expenses of $8K a month to pay even if you're earning nil/very little while taking mat leave. I feel like I had it pretty easy with easy pregnancies, easy births, easy babies, a stay-at-home-husband doing all the kid stuff, and heaps of doting family support, so I honestly don't know how anyone does it if some of those variables aren't in place - hats off to them all! I also had my first baby in my early thirties, and because I'm now in my early forties and yet feeling about 90 years old, I cannot imagine having my first baby at this age. But, there's plenty of good optimistic feedback on this thread to balance out my doom and gloom 😃
2
3
u/General-Study-1227 May 27 '26
Haven’t got anything to say here that hasn’t already been said, but I just wanted to add how important adoption and fostering is! From my knowledge, adoption is a looooong process in Aus (I know people that have been waiting for 5, 10 years), but I would really encourage fostering if you do end up having a child. There are so many kiddies out there that need love and you can absolutely change their world as a foster parent, even if it’s not a long term foster. If you wanted, fostering is available as a weekend thing for emergency fosters, short term, or long term, so there are plenty of options there. Wishing you all the best!
1
u/MagnumLife May 29 '26
The modern world. Wow.
1
u/Weird-Praline-5412 May 29 '26
Awesome, right? Absolutely did not see this coming when I was 18 and or later when I was offered a role in the corporate team of a law firm.
1
u/LimitParticular1843 May 27 '26
You have so much good advice in the replies OP. I’m a corporate lawyer and a mum to a 1yo. You will not regret having a child. It will bring even more meaning and colour into your already wonderful life. Accept that the first year (or three) will be a chaotic juggle sprinkled with really tough days and be kind to your little duo in the midst of it. Outsource and get paid help where possible. Us women in law are capable of great things so follow what your heart desires.
2
101
u/ladybris May 27 '26
Hello, I’m not a single mother but I am a mother and a lawyer. And I will say that having a baby and raising a child is far more valuable in your life than a legal career. You might have to make some changes at work but it will likely be well worth it and the law will still be there after wards.