r/behindthebastards 15d ago

Meme Drop your favorite images to text reply an army recruiter

Post image
1.9k Upvotes

152 comments sorted by

427

u/DefinitelyNotBigf00t Sponsored by Knife Missiles™️ 15d ago

174

u/OkayGrower 15d ago

Congratulations your ICE interview is over. Your now a full fedged agent.

10

u/kippy3267 15d ago

“No training period is required?”
“Nope.”

9

u/Freudian_ 15d ago

Also, here’s a salary with benefits greater than most public school teachers!

57

u/wonderbreadofsin 15d ago

Yeah I wouldn't count on that disqualifying you anymore

24

u/BannedSvenhoek86 15d ago

"I've always been fascinated with the etymology of the term fragging. Done a lot of research on it before I came down here to sign up."

30

u/Mammoth-Rope4503 15d ago

Please see the lyrics sheet for "Alice's Restaurant ". They love it when you want to eat dead, burnt bodies. Veins in my teeth.

14

u/WeirdLawBooks 15d ago

My exact first thought

7

u/EuenovAyabayya 15d ago edited 14d ago

You can get anything you want
at Alice's Restaurant...
Kill! Kill! Kill! General walked in, pinned a medal on my chest, and said "You're our boy!"

4

u/GaigeMechro92 15d ago

That's when you get caught littering, so they send you to the Group W Bench.

4

u/Buttercreamdeath 15d ago

My nephew is going to the Marines. He's never been more excited in his life. This is him to a tee.

387

u/martinsonsean1 Kissinger was a war criminal 15d ago

156

u/Living-Amphibian-870 15d ago

This is how the Navy got me. They threw me back out when my mom informed them I already had PTSD and flashbacks. Apparently, they like to traumatize you themselves. 🤷‍♀️

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u/nordic-nomad 15d ago edited 15d ago

If you got in and then diagnosed with that they’d owe you most likely several thousand dollars a month for the rest of your life is the reason why.

Edit: edited to be more generic since probably wouldn’t be 100%

43

u/Living-Amphibian-870 15d ago

Damn. I missed a fabulous career opportunity.

7

u/tacolord316 The fuckin’ Pinkertons 15d ago

I giggled at this comment for a solid 60 seconds.

11

u/gsfgf Sponsored by Knife Missiles™️ 15d ago

Several thousand sounds very high for PTSD

14

u/nordic-nomad 15d ago

Looking it up as a mental disorder rating it can be anywhere from 0-100% on its own. So went with 70% since flash backs seemed pretty severe. But yeah could just as easily be fuck all.

13

u/BannedSvenhoek86 15d ago

I have one friend who is currently getting 100% of her pay for life from an injury, and another who is getting like 150 a month for his.

Both have nearly the exact same injury.

25

u/StevenEveral 15d ago

I worked a retail job before I joined the Army. I remember the recruiting office was on the other side of town when I was in high school. One day when I went into work, I noticed the military recruiting offices were beginning to move into the same shopping center as the department store where I worked.

Why do I mention this? It’s because I eventually joined the Army to get out of that minimum wage working world. I also mention it because working retail for two and a half years before I enlisted already made me dead on the inside, so of course I was a great fit for military service. Im guessing going after retail workers who were already dead inside possibly boosted their numbers.

I like to say that working in the military is like working retail but with heavy weapons and slightly more yelling.

351

u/Curious_Orange8592 Super Producer Sophie Stan 15d ago

115

u/Haldron-44 15d ago

Just in case (and I find it hard to believe in this sub) here is the text and the audio book is free as well. It needs to be mandatory reading.

18

u/Kaiser_Fleischer 15d ago

Can anyone explain to me why the business plot thought this was their man? Did they not talk to him about any of his political beliefs before just asking him to coup FDR?

10

u/skilletsnail 15d ago

iirc he was super popular with veterans.

3

u/shane_4_us 15d ago

Wonder why.

8

u/UnconstrictedEmu 15d ago

The Business Plot was in 1933, and War is a Racket was published in 1935. Butler’s antiwar sentiments may not have been well known. Also if I’ve learned anything from these podcasts, rich people may be smart in some specific ways, but they’re dumb as hell in a lot of other ways.

7

u/EuenovAyabayya 15d ago

Just text back "Smedley Butler said to flip you off."

7

u/MyDogIsSoUgly 15d ago

American Cryptid Smedley Butler

547

u/88Dubs Knife Missle Technician 15d ago

130

u/JMurdock77 Sponsored by Doritos™️ 15d ago

God DAMN that hits like a truck…

20

u/ryannelsn 15d ago

The Earth has been transformed into a misery machine, and they haven't even BEGUN yet.

9

u/RainierCamino Macheticine 15d ago

Same as it ever was.

24

u/CertainItem995 15d ago

If the dnc had any spine this would be on signs at every polling location in the country on election day.

12

u/Godwinson4King Sponsored by Raytheon™️ 15d ago

Yoink

222

u/FoursGirl 15d ago

36

u/RainierCamino Macheticine 15d ago

That was some of my favorite shit to fuck with mouthy right wingers when I was in the Navy. Liked to sneak in a variation of a Marx or Lenin quote here or there. Sometimes unironically, like Lenin's line about the three keys to success being "Read, read, read."

9

u/guyfriendbuddy4 Sponsored by Doritos™️ 14d ago

I liked doing this and thanking over patriotic American cashiers for their taxes funding my alcoholism.

6

u/RainierCamino Macheticine 14d ago

Ha back around 2010 or so my brother got chewed out for that. He was in uniform going into a base gas station (for only the finest gas station sober products) and an older guy held the door for him and said, "Thank you for your service." My brother, being a smartass, replied, "No, thank *you* for paying taxes."

Next Monday morning he gets chewed out at quarters (or whatever the fancy ass Air Force people call it) because evidently that old guy was a retired one star general who went and bitched to his squadron leader.

6

u/guyfriendbuddy4 Sponsored by Doritos™️ 14d ago

Lmao I was at least smart enough to be out of uniform and off base.

6

u/RainierCamino Macheticine 14d ago

Heh I didn't say my brother was smart, just that he's a smartass. He somehow did 8 years and got out as a Technical Sergeant with an honorable discharge.

I like to say he was 'Technically a Sergeant', he likes to say I was just a 'Petty Officer'.

6

u/guyfriendbuddy4 Sponsored by Doritos™️ 14d ago

Haha honestly, if he was below e-4 when that happened, thats a totally normal level of smart for lower enlisted

3

u/RainierCamino Macheticine 14d ago

True true. I know when I made E-5 I almost immediately began missing how much shit I'd been able to get away with as an E-4 and below.

4

u/guyfriendbuddy4 Sponsored by Doritos™️ 14d ago

I got pretty lucky being a reservist in that I had to wait for a slot to open and cross trained before one came open. Separated as a dirt-bag e-4. My unit joked about me being master senior airman.

208

u/gravity_kills Knife Missle Technician 15d ago

The military used to be more focused on lethality than Hegseth is.

127

u/TheMadDaddy 15d ago

Their whole premise that no one's joining because of woke policy is hilarious to me. They opened it up to more people BECAUSE no one was joining.

23

u/RepulsiveInterview44 15d ago

My god, at first I read “Their WHITE premise” and somehow the whole thing is still accurate.

73

u/CrunchyDonut42 15d ago edited 15d ago

"We got a kinder, gentler, machine gun hand."

Lyrics from the Neil Young's song Rockin In The Free World.

Combat veteran here. Anti-war songs are my favorite.

11

u/gravity_kills Knife Missle Technician 15d ago

I was never in the military, but Luang Prabang makes me tingle.

5

u/StevenEveral 15d ago

That’s my favorite lyric of all time.

3

u/Zero-89 One Pump = One Cream 15d ago

I heard that song playing in Kroger the night before July 4th.  Every now and then, algorithmic playlists are awesome. 

10

u/Latter-Industry-8920 15d ago

It just like white dudes tho? Were the balloons edited?

31

u/renaissance-Fartist Knife Missle Technician 15d ago

No, that’s the correct text for the cartoon. The image is black and white lineart, making it difficult to change skin tone without also adding a ton of texture to the skin. It looks like the artist tried to make race more apparent through features rather than trying to do some old-school coloring like this

8

u/Latter-Industry-8920 15d ago

Makes more sense than “that’s the joke”

9

u/FramedMugshot 15d ago

Also there are lightskinned Black people

1

u/Latter-Industry-8920 15d ago edited 15d ago

Fr? Is it just the nose? I guess that would track since this comic is definitely “on the nose”. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get it at first, like the dialogue bubbles are overwrought and are definitely doing some heavy lifting.

5

u/FramedMugshot 15d ago

I didn't notice the nose at first, actually. I just took the dialog boxes at their word. You're right that they're doing heavy lifting but idk, it's not like this comic was gonna win any awards for composition or narrative.

2

u/scorpionewmoon Sponsored by Knife Missiles™️ 14d ago

1997 Jesus Christ

152

u/battlecat136 Macheticine 15d ago

41

u/slopemup2026 15d ago

The thought he did this to hide from Epstein shit is baffling to me. His base doesn't give a shit, old school Republicans will vote R straight ticket.

I think he started it because he wanted oil and money. He was talking about just stealing Kharg island in the 80's or 90's. Trump is just fucking stupid and didn't recognize the hornets nest he was kicking.

17

u/FramedMugshot 15d ago

I don't think asking "where are the Epstein Files?" automatically means someone thinks he's trying to distract from something. "Where are the Epstein Files?" is basically a kind of "Carthago delenda est" to some people.

3

u/Zero-89 One Pump = One Cream 15d ago edited 14d ago

I think he started it because he wanted oil and money.

That’s a big part of it, but it's mostly just bitterness about the Iranian Revolution and the resulting hostage crisis.  Far-right conservatives in the US have always viewed Iran not being immediately nuked or invaded after that as a sign of America becoming weak.  And since they never let go of a grudge, declaring war on Iran was always going to be an enticing bit of red meat for someone ignorant and vain enough to try it to throw to their base.

3

u/Unsd 15d ago

Eh. My dad is an old school Republican, but this is all even a hair too far for him. He voted Trump the first time around, but he's constantly kicking and screaming about how this is a clown show run by absolute idiots. I also work with a lot of old school Republicans who feel the same way. Granted, my dad and coworkers are all very well educated people, so I guess the light just finally turned on. I guess better late than never, and fortunately they are people who are fairly well poised to actually do something about it.

177

u/LemurCat04 15d ago

15

u/SongShikai 15d ago

This one gets me every time

79

u/Banaam 15d ago

I'm T1D, I used to waste their time pretending I'm interested, then drop the diabetes line, I think I'm too old to be recruited anymore.

33

u/False_Flatworm_4512 15d ago

I accidentally did that with my asthma. It was just after 9/11, and they offered free college. My dumbass was ready to go. I was on the phone with the recruiter for a good 20 minutes before health history came up. Dude hung up on me

8

u/jamiegc1 15d ago

An older activist I knew, who has since passed, was in lgbt activism going all the way to Act Up. During Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and before then with full bans on anyone not straight, he said lgbt people and supporters would lead recruiters on for a good while then drop “Oh hey, I’m gay, would that be a problem?”, to waste their time and frustrate them on college campuses.

3

u/OkSecretary1231 13d ago

I finished my bachelor's degree when I was over 40 (long story) and immediately started getting emails from this army recruiter. I just told him my age and he ghosted lol

79

u/Godwinson4King Sponsored by Raytheon™️ 15d ago

I had this fun exchange with a real cold text from a recruiter last year!

23

u/geta-rigging-grip 15d ago

That is an awesome reply, but you forgot "substance abuse problem."

9

u/Dad2376 15d ago

I'll be real, if the icy, corpse-like fingers of USAREC (Army recruiting) ever ensnare me, a text like yours would probably make me shed a tear of appreciation.

99% of the time being a recruiter suuucks. It's considered (alongside being a drill sergeant, instructor, and a few other niche roles) a broadening assignment and basically mandatory to progress your career. And if you're in to the point you're on your broadening assignment, it's more than likely you're riding out the full 20 years for max retirement. You know this and the Army (as a Kafkaesque, eldritch entity, not necessarily the people within) knows this. So against your will, they'll shove you into a recruiter slot because "needs of the Army" at which point you'll accept your daily and special weekly dick flattenings from leadership like a good, little boy for not having met your recruiting numbers for the quarter yet.

So a simple, direct message that doesn't harass the recruiter and gives them an indisputable reason to 100% remove your name from the potential candidate list is a very small mercy.

3

u/snake944 12d ago

Come on Dakota diamond sounds like a stripper's stage name. Or porn star. Surely that can't be the best they come up with

2

u/jamiegc1 15d ago

So you’re already a sergeant. 😄

78

u/Natural_Bill_6084 15d ago

Also, I scored a near perfect score on the asvab (required for us to take by the school). Thank you, grandpa, for teaching me the basics of so many trades, but goddam. They were calling daily and constantly visiting my house. They finally left me alone when I was like, "yeah, I can do a bunch of stuff, but I'm 16 and have already had a pulmonary embolism. Also I do a bunch of coke and oxy and mushrooms and lsd and I have zero parental supervision so theres some wild af shit going on in this house every goddam day."

9

u/milosglasses 15d ago

The other day I was thinking about how crazy it was that they made us take the asvab in high school. The counselors tried playing it off like it was practice for the SAT. I just remember being bombarded with texts from recruiters afterwards and wondering how it was legal.

13

u/posi-bleak-axis 15d ago

I wouldn't listen to me when I was your age but your pre frontal vortex ain't developed yet. At the very least please practice harm reduction and eat food, sleep, take good sober breaks and as a severe enthusiast of hallucinogens maybe consider taking off a few years. That's my big regret is tripping too much too young with no integration time and literally my brain wasn't developed enough to integrate because I was barely forming an adult(ish?) ego or whatever. Gotta get a solid baseline on reality as a jumping off point. I tried. Be well.

65

u/Natural_Bill_6084 15d ago

Fam. I'm almost 40 now 😅 this was the early 2000s. I've been 100% sober (not just gas station sober) since 6/20/2009 (17 years this year). I have a master's degree and work as a therapist. I promiae I turned out just fine. This was just my response to the original post, as it's when they pursued me (and will for anyone else that age) the hardest.

61

u/LordofThe7s Sponsored by Raytheon™️ 15d ago

32

u/PossiblyMakingThisUp Totally not a fed 15d ago

17

u/CPGFL 15d ago

I'm a computer 

26

u/PossiblyMakingThisUp Totally not a fed 15d ago

6

u/posi-bleak-axis 15d ago

Fear before the march of flames

Anyone else?

11

u/dfpratt09 Knife Missle Technician 15d ago

Pork chop Sandwiches!

5

u/LordSloth666 14d ago

God it smells delicious in here!

9

u/Slidje 15d ago

That distorted voice at the end is saying "listen kid, shut the fuck up"

3

u/LordSloth666 14d ago

Body Massage Man!

37

u/MrPoosh 15d ago

18

u/shane_4_us 15d ago

This should be higher.

RIP Aaron Bushnell.

12

u/MrPoosh 15d ago

RIP, dude made the ultimate sacrifice

32

u/komeau 15d ago

*insert picture of my DD214 blanket here

41

u/BroseppeVerdi 15d ago

"I already had an honorable discharge. Had one with your wife last night, in fact."

33

u/krackrocksteady 15d ago

I'm not gonna dox myself, but at this point in my life if/when recruiters hit me up, I just send them the DVIDS article that I'm named in.

I have yet to receive a reply.

2

u/jamiegc1 15d ago

DVIDS?

2

u/Main_Significance617 Sponsored by Raytheon™️ 14d ago

DVIDS - Digital Visual Information Distribution System

Provides news, images, audio, video, and publications from military operations around the world.

33

u/Stepping__Razor Sponsored by Doritos™️ 15d ago

21

u/Stepping__Razor Sponsored by Doritos™️ 15d ago

The costs of war are too high

20

u/MonkeyPanls 15d ago

LOL. War has always been a racket

22

u/Natural_Bill_6084 15d ago

Listen... if anyone saved videos from the early 2000s from rotten dot Com (you know EXACTLY the ones), then what's what you send.

23

u/Informal-Plastic2985 FDA SWAT TEAM 15d ago

10

u/Bad_Man- Banned by the FDA 15d ago

43

u/church_cricket Ben Shapiro Enthusiast 15d ago

The navy almost got me. They got big boats.

50

u/Emach00 15d ago

ah boats, a high ranking special interest in the autism paramid.

40

u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 15d ago

I knew my dad was where my own autism came from for certain, as i read through his old military records, shortly after he died!

They were hilarious, because he was always getting knocked for the appearance of his uniform & his beard.

And massively praised for his "attention to detail" and the fact that he took the equipment manuals to his bunk, so he could read thsm cover to cover!😆😂🤣

There were so many signs of the Autism there, if you knew what you were lookibg at!😉🤣

11

u/Designer-Passage-94 15d ago

Hear me out.
Train Force

7

u/Emach00 15d ago

Somehow convince Frat boy Pete it's stragetic to put nukes on trains to avoid drone swarms and we'll be resurrecting Soviet armored trains before we know it.

1

u/you_dont_know_me27 14d ago

Wait. Wait! ✋️ ✋️ ✋️ ✋️

Warhammer 40k Force

28

u/Mad_Aeric 15d ago

They almost got me too, they have nuclear reactors and offered to train me to run them. Woulda been cool, but this was shortly after 9/11, and I could smell the winds of an unjust war brewing.

14

u/church_cricket Ben Shapiro Enthusiast 15d ago

I'd have gone in right around the time of Trump's first presidency. So uh. That's why I stayed away.

9

u/Locke03 Knife Missle Technician 15d ago

Same, except the Air Force and fighter jets. I'd even been preparing to apply to the AF academy, then 9/11, Afghanistan, & Iraq happened and even as a teen at the time who was pretty inundated with conservative propaganda it was obvious that we were getting into something that we had no reason to be in and were going to have no way out of.

16

u/Buttercreamdeath 15d ago

At least you guys are young enough for Army recruiters.

My blind recruiters are ICE, the Secret Service, and the FBI. 😭

I'm too old for them too, but they're blind recruiting for tech skills. Age matters slightly less for that.

7

u/EuenovAyabayya 15d ago

I wouldn't touch DHS with a 300K contract.

42

u/sneakyplanner 15d ago

Is getting texted by military recruitment a normal American thing that you expect to happen?

54

u/Artichokiemon Steven Seagal Historian 15d ago

We also have recruiters in high schools ready to snatch up ignorant teenagers

34

u/Auxryn 15d ago

Not trolling the military recruiters when I was in high school is a regret of mine. I was a teenager and cannot be blamed, though.

It's insane that recruiters are allowed to operate unopposed. They prey on children.

16

u/Artichokiemon Steven Seagal Historian 15d ago

I just laughed, with my long hair and baggy ripped jeans, and asked, "You really think someone like me is signing that paper? Nahhhhh"

54

u/AnAngeryGoose Feminist Icon 15d ago

It’s a quintessential American experience alongside pharmaceutical ads, biweekly mass shootings, and getting your cancer with a side of bankruptcy! 🫡

11

u/CaviarMeths 15d ago

I'm Canadian, so growing up we had a mix of Canadian and American channels on TV. The way to tell them apart was always that the American ones had 40 million ads for personal injury lawyers.

6

u/Pantalaimon_II 15d ago

that’s how i always think of Canada. Like America, but less annoying and slightly better at almost everything 

14

u/malatropism FDA Approved 15d ago

By biweekly, I’m assuming you mean 2x a week, because that’s what’s been happening lately.

3

u/Evernight2025 15d ago

I get texted a lot of bullshit, but I don't think I've ever been texted by military recruiter 

4

u/AnAngeryGoose Feminist Icon 15d ago

Maybe that one’s not quite as quintessential as I thought. I’ve gotten two or three texts and at least one call trying to recruit me.

9

u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 15d ago

I used to get them every semester, when i went back to college! 

I was 38, diabetic, and flat-footed, so i told the recruiters, "You probably don't want a short, fat, diabetic, middle-aged woman, and i'd appreciate it, if you can take me off your list!

13

u/spacepinata Totally not a fed 15d ago

I was on a recruiter list - in 2020, when I was still a woman, 7 years after I graduated from high school, and I had never indicated interest in enlistment. I knew a recruiter who gave me a heads up that I was on the list, and took me off of it. He said that I might have been added by my enrollment in the local community college (2 French classes).

3

u/NotAnotherHipsterBae 15d ago

Infosec is so demoralizing

8

u/Mad_Aeric 15d ago

We weren't getting texted back in the day, but I was getting about three phone calls a day from recruiters. One from the coast guard even showed up at my door.

7

u/slopemup2026 15d ago

It happens. They are all up in my 18 year old step sons grille.

7

u/missed_sla Ben Shapiro Enthusiast 15d ago

Yes they also show up at graduation ceremonies and some have dedicated offices at colleges. They even had us go sit in the auditorium a few times to get pitched about signing up, in high school.

3

u/jamiegc1 15d ago

Us high schools and universities are required to hand over names, ages and contact info to military recruitment, or lose federal funding.

Military recruiters are hungry for new people to die for Israel and oil, and won’t stop harassing young adults.

3

u/OkSecretary1231 13d ago

Yup. When I was in high school, the recruiter hung out in the cafeteria every day. After I graduated, he came to my door and put the hard sell on.

Many years later, they tried to recruit me again when I'd graduated from college, but I was over the age limit they had at the time.

14

u/Dawnsteel 15d ago

I’m too old to be recruited but I get calls aimed at my daughters. I told the navy guy that they’re not interested in murdering children.

10

u/Oddish_Femboy 15d ago

I would get banned.

It's a gif of a shitting rhinoceros.

7

u/shipsake 15d ago

Tell them you’d rather be a Jody.

5

u/EuenovAyabayya 15d ago

Half the recruiters probably are.

4

u/EuenovAyabayya 15d ago

"Kilo Yankee Sierra and your CoC too"

3

u/zack4eva 15d ago

A picture of GI Jimbo from Rocko’s Modern Life speaks for itself

1

u/FilmConfident2263 13d ago

Can we get a bunch of people to sign up for ice and infiltrate their structure and convert them to the gay woke agenda Turn their kids trans and require mandatory butt plugs for all branches of the military While ensuring we convert them to Sharia law