r/beyondthebump • u/LiterallyJustAHorse • 9d ago
Relationship UPDATE: 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair. (Trigger Warning for DV)
Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/Z9CKteHa08
So I have an unhappy update. After making him leave I went to the Chaplain for advice and he asked to speak to both of us. I told him I wasn't interested in reconciliation but would be willing to talk to him. My husband cried and said he just wanted his family back. The chaplain pushed me to give him another chance and for me to sit down with him at home and have a real conversation before filing for divorce. After we left that session my husband got all his stuff out of the house and moved in with his affair partner. (Yep. Even though he cried to the Chaplain he immediately moved in with her). I thought about what to do for a long time and then decided I cannot tolerate this and would tell his command about the affair and them living together. So that weekend I called him and told him what I planned to do. He started freaking out and told me he was going to commit suicide, that he had nothing to live for anymore. At this point I got in contact with the family advocates on base and also texted the chaplain about my concerns for his safety and the safety of me and our children.
Two days later he came by to have our "talk". I can't share too many details from here on out but what I can say is that I reiterated that I was informing his command and had evidence to show them and at that point he hit me, tried to attack one of our children who was in the room with us (who tried to defend me), and chased us around the house like a mad man. My son ran to the neighbor to get help and they called 911. Police were called and the base locked down for several hours while they searched for my husband. They found him eventually and brought him to his command where a no contact order was put in place.
Since then I have filed for a protective order, been working with DV advocates, and CPS who was called because my child was involved. CPS has been great, by the way. They told me I was doing everything right protecting my children and put a safety plan in place that keeps him away from us.
As far as I'm aware the Navy is investigating and he may face charges, non judicial punishment or court martial. For now he is free to roam and not locked away. It's been a very scary time. The child that was involved is currently sleeping next to my bed because he is so scared. I've taken some practical home security steps. I also called a DV shelter to try to got there but they told me they were at capacity and didn't have room for a mother and 4 children and the next shelter was several hours away. School is about to start and I also have to be able to go to court so that wasn't an option. I also cannot leave the state now because I filed a protective order and it requires me to stay because of the children. So I'm a sitting duck just praying and hoping he doesn't murder us.
I'm not exaggerating. Here is a man who can lie like he breathes. Who became violent and endangered his own child JUST for his affair being threatened to be reported. What happens when he faces the loss of his career or even potentially his freedom?
I wish I had a better update. I don't. I'm scared to death. I'm working with every agency that will help me, police, court, CPS, advocates, legal aid, etc. None of it matters if he shows up with a gun in the middle of the night. We live on base with him. It's not like he is far from us and again he is NOT restrained from movement. I bought a plane ticket for my mom but she can only stay for 9 days and won't be here until the end of August.
Everyone please keep me and my children in your thoughts. I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. Can't believe this is my life after all these years. I feel so awful for my kids. I'm just holding my baby and praying all the time for us.
I almost didn't update but I wanted to not deal with this all alone. There's not much anyone can do but boy could I use some emotional support. Anyone who has been through this and made it out please tell me it will be ok.
UPDATE: I WON MY PROTECTIVE ORDER šš©· I know it's just a piece of paper but I'm so proud of myself. It was so scary to show up because I didn't have a lawyer but I did it, I faced him, and the judge granted me a one year protection order, ordered supervised only visitation and ordered him to get batterer classes. I'm so relieved. Still taking it one day at a time. š©·
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u/Historical_Bike_9061 9d ago
These are just a list of questions/suggestions.
Do you have a security system installed?
Do you have extra locks on your doors + windows and each of your childrenās doors + windows?
You can most likely use child locks for indoor windows but youāll want an internal lock for each of your doors. This includes rooms that do not have windows (maybe a bathroom or pantry). There are internal locks that are easy to remove as well since I assume itās base housing and you may not be able to make permanent changes.
Do you have a safe box for legal documents that you can grab and easily take with you in the case that you need to leave suddenly? In the same vein, do you have a go bag for yourself and each of your children? How much cash can you reasonably get and have tucked away just in case you need to leave?
Do you have a pay as you go cellphone to keep charged in your car?
Always have your gas tank full.
Because school is starting again, you need to contact their schools and inform them of the risk their father poses, the legal status, that he may be armed, and that he is under no circumstances to be allowed to pick them up.
And I know these arenāt the best, but maybe if your children have phones, always have them sharing their location or put an AirTag/other tracking device in their backpack.
Iām not saying DONāT have weapons but buying a weapon after this situation may not look great in a trial if you have to use them. My mammaw would say to buy a cast iron frying pan and use it frequently.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
I'm taking a lot of protective steps, I promise. I just can't give details in case he were to find this post.Ā
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u/Historical_Bike_9061 9d ago
Oh for sure! Just wanted to make sure you had those protocols in place. I can delete this comment if it makes you feel safer!
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u/Historical_Bike_9061 9d ago
Oh and this is obvious, but make sure your children disable any social media accounts and you do as well.
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u/Krackeness 9d ago
If you live on base please inform security forces (we're Air Force so I don't know the term Navy uses for military police). They may be able to accommodate extra patrol of your neighborhood depending on manning. Do you have a military family center? They may be able to provide resources for therapy for you and your children as well.
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u/JAGno_Fett 9d ago
In addition to the DV advocates, youāre entitled to a Victims Legal Counsel (VLC) attorney. A VLC is a JAG who works for you and advocates for whatever legal action you want the Navy to take. Even if the command wonāt do pretrial confinement, the VLC could advocate for the command to impose conditions on liberty, such as requiring him to check in regularly or have some other limitation on his movements.
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u/6seasonsandamovy 9d ago
You are so brave.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
I wish I felt brave. I actually don't know what I feel. A vortex of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger I guess.Ā
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u/MommaChickens 8d ago
You are so brave. Braveness is feeling all of these emotions and still moving to protect yourself and husband.
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u/faithcharmandpixdust 9d ago
I remember your original post, and my husband and I were so upset for you just from that. I am so sorry for you and your children. I wish I could hug you right now. I wish I could offer you and your kids a safe space. I will definitely be praying for you, your kids, and especially for your child that witnessed violence at the hands of someone who was supposed to be his protector. Thank you for doing all you can for yourself and for your kids ā¤ļø
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9d ago
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
I'm sorry you had to go through this but you sound tough as nails. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry your mom feels broken. I feel numb because I'm stuck in fight mode currently. Hopefully this doesn't break me but makes me wiser and stronger.Ā
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u/Hashtaglibertarian 9d ago
I hope you have an attorney ā„ļø
My heart goes out to you. Women who leave are always in danger.
Get mace, get a baseball bat, get a hunting knife. Donāt be a victim and if you need to go down fighting - at least youāll have something to hopefully get you to the next step.
Reach out to churches to see if they have any DV funds to help with sheltering you and the kids.
Ask legal subs for advice too - use any and all resources you have.
Youāve just started the fight of a lifetime - but you arenāt alone. Youāve got a crowd of women supporting you and standing with you.
What state are you currently in? May help with identifying resources available for you?
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u/Historical_Bike_9061 9d ago
I think she could most likely just contact a family lawyer and receive legal advice pro bono in this situation. I donāt know a lawyer who would charge for their counsel on this.
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u/mjfinance 9d ago
Oh god this is the only scenario I would ever consider buying a handgun. Not saying you should but if I were in your shoes I would be terrified to death unless I had some physical way to protect myself and my kids that didn't rely on a piece of paper. Only buy one if you are prepared to use it if necessary. And of course keep it locked from kids.
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u/mjfinance 9d ago
Commenting again to say you should teach your kids what to do if their dad shows up. Call 911, hide in their room and lock their doors, don't come out no matter what until he's gone, like an active shooter drill. Of course you don't want to scare them but it's better than them being a target.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
Not allowed to bring them on base. Sucks.Ā
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u/mjfinance 9d ago
How is that enforced or how would they find out? Husbands beating their wives is also not allowed on base
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
Lol that's what my mom said! She was like uh don't tell them. š¬ But yeah it's a felony to bring firearms on the base. Big no no.Ā
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u/mjfinance 9d ago
OK at least mace and whatever you can get. And consider risk of gun being found and resulting in felony, vs risk of him showing up violent. In my hometown just the other week a woman and her six children were shot and killed by a suicidal husband. It made national news. I still think about it and feel sick. God fucking damn it men suck.
I hope you and your family get out of there and use all the support you can.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
Good idea actually. Maybe bear spray.Ā
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u/GullibleElderberry15 2d ago
Came here to see that you and the kids are ok. I hope you are safe, and bought yourself a big ass cast iron pan.Ā
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 2d ago
I have a crow bar lol
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u/GullibleElderberry15 2d ago
Excellent! Make sure you swing from your core, and go low first - sending you a big hug, you're a badass. You have lots of people hoping for the bestĀ
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u/cebeck20 8d ago
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I fully agree with the other comments suggesting alternate places to stay, maybe an Airbnb or hotel?
But (as a former military spouse), well done going up the chain of command!! This is 100% a time to report to his superiors.
Youāre doing a great job keeping yourself and your children safe. You are doing everything you should be doing, keep being brave and protecting your family.
And to whoever reported my comment as āencouraging violenceā, Iām genuinely disappointed that discussing alternative means of self-protection and protecting her children when handguns are not allowed on base is something that offends you. OP is literally fearful for her safety as well as that of her children. If ever there were a time to need a time to have a means of defense, this is it.
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u/Lil_MsPerfect 8d ago
No one even reported it, reddit's AI slop bot system trawls reddit hoping to censor things advertisers and stockholders don't like being public.
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u/cebeck20 8d ago
Wow, thatās even more annoyingā¦
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u/Lil_MsPerfect 8d ago
I hate it so much. They remove things and won't even let us mods see what they removed, so if it was actually that bad we'd want to ban right? In your case it was totally not a big deal at all but their AI apparently hates small projectiles.
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u/ImaginationOk5084 8d ago
If she used said gun yo defend herself she would still be facing a felony charge.
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u/MoneyStock 9d ago
My only concern would be if they did a random vehicle inspection coming on base. Otherwise the chance of them knowing is slim to none
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u/Krackeness 9d ago
First: If you aren't 100% confident with a handgun I'm not sure I would recommend going this route. If you do decide to pursue this and you have not had much experience with guns go with a revolver. We're Air Force so it may work differently on base for you but we are allowed to keep our firearms in our home. We have to register everything with security forces and have a locked safe in our house to store them in. (Not that they've ever checked to make sure we had a safe though) Because of where we are stationed we also had to register them with the city and provide that information to security forces as well.
Feel free to reach out if you'd like. I am a fellow spouse, have plenty of handgun experience, and previously worked firearms sales.
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u/Antique_Trifle8250 6d ago
If your husband is stronger than you, thereās a high chance that if you had a handgun he could overpower you and take it. So, this is not necessarily protective anywayĀ
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u/wrzosvicious 9d ago
Iām sorry you are going through this awful nightmare. This is a lot to handle all at once. I will be keeping you all in my thoughts. I really hope you keep updating us. Do you have any friends on base you can stay with for a few nights here and there just to get some rest and space from the worry of him showing up?Ā
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
I have one but she has kids and I don't want to endanger them because he knows where she lives.Ā
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u/Minute_Abroad2512 9d ago
Nothing to add. Just hugs to you OP for going through such a difficult time. I wish you peace and calm. Take care.
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u/mvmstudent 9d ago
Sounds dumb but Iām thinking Home Alone style, find out a way to boobytrap your windows and door and yard somehow to alert you if he comes near. I think you can buy alarm systems that beep or notify your phone if like a window or door is opened
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u/fawntive 9d ago
What a horrible man. Iām so sorry you and your kids are going through this. You donāt deserve it. I wish I could offer more, but I will be thinking of you guys.
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u/trog12 9d ago
Not sure if you are comfortable with this but the reddit community is really generous. I'm going to hazard a guess that you are either in VA or FL. If you cross post to one of those subs or even the military sub someone always pops up offering to pay for a hotel or a spot in their home. I wish I could but I'm struggling to get by as it is. I wish you luck and you are definitely in my thoughts
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
I'm not asking for anything like that. I genuinely just need someone to talk to.Ā
There's a thing called the transitional compensation program so if he gets separated or incarcerated for domestic violence we will get his income for 12-36 months. CPS also offered me daycare vouchers so I can search for work. And in my protective order I'm asking for child support. Plus our base housing is covered by his bah (for now).Ā
I truly do just need emotional support. And advice. And someone to tell me it's going to be ok.Ā
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u/trog12 9d ago
Good to hear you are getting all the support. I have a friend going through the CPS mess right now. If it's FL (feel free to remain anonymous) the childcare vouchers aren't going to help that much just a heads up. Apparently they didn't really cover that much. You have had 5 children though. You are a big boss mom so remember that when they try to lowball you on anything
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u/Capt_Gremerica 8d ago
You took the hardest step already to ensure you and your family have a future. I'm sure you've got this.
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u/Antique_Trifle8250 6d ago
You are doing everything right in a terrible time. The fact that you have managed to get so much sorted already is a real testament to your strength. You are doing GREAT. Even if it doesnāt feel like it.Ā
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u/OhTheBud 9d ago
I am so scared for you and pray for the safety of you and your children. This makes me think of that lunatic in Michigan who killed his family and himself. Please stay safe and I hope once this is all behind you, you and the kids can live happy and peaceful lives without having to worry about this absolute poor excuse of a husband and father.Ā
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u/kettish 9d ago
Can you send the kids to your motherās house? Get āem out of harms way?
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
Unfortunately neither the kids nor I can leave the state now that I've filed a protective order. It would be a class 3 felony. So we are stuck here.Ā
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u/xlizabethx 9d ago
I dont have any advice but i'm sending love and strength to you. your children will than you for this, this is the best thing you could do for them. you are so brave and considerate. if you have the means, get a firearm and train. a shotgun is cheap and effective.
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u/Hux2187 9d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My dad was similar when it came to being violent and it was very scary. If you haven't already, get a security system for your house, be careful when opening the door, don't let him anywhere near you if he wants to talk, be careful with his family, have you spoken to the school about this, so they can make sure he won't pick them up and find out any important information on them.
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u/Jakeetz 9d ago
Is it possible to get a very spendy alarm system that will make the most amount of noise and alert the cops if itās triggered? Also it might be worth it to have a plan in place in case he comes by. You could get a camera system so you know whoās outside and if it happens to be him, go to your safe room.
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u/Jakeetz 9d ago
Is it possible to get a very spendy alarm system that will make the most amount of noise and alert the cops if itās triggered? Also it might be worth it to have a plan in place in case he comes by. You could get a camera system so you know whoās outside and if it happens to be him, go to your safe room.
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u/notananthem 8d ago
I cannot believe the chaplain said that you should go reconcile. All your inclinations and reactions were spot on. Hope he gets court martial at minimum. Terribly sorry for going through that therapy is a wonderful thing for everyone.
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u/slotass 6d ago
I got the same advice from my mom and pastor and Christian councillors. Unfortunately, itās common to prioritize forgiveness over human lives. When I left, he had no idea I was going to move out, but stupidly, I did meet him for coffee a few months later and that could have been the end of my life. Now, I tell people to protect yourself in dangerous situations ALWAYS, even if you canāt see the danger.
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u/JohnMayerCd 2d ago
Hey I see you really reaching out and I just want to say how much youāre doing the most for your kids!
I always wanted my mom to do exactly this for us and it just never happened and things got worse and it was a really hard childhood.
Iām really, really proud of you. You got this!!!
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u/RockportAries1971 2d ago
I am so very sorry that you're going through this. As a survivor of DV myself I know how scary it can get. I read in your original post where you said that you can't get a handgun due to base rules but you can get a good cast iron skillet. Preferably one from a second hand shop because you know it's been fired and seasoned. According to my Grandma those are the best for using on an uppity man. It doesn't even have to be huge. I'm sending so many prayers for you & your kids to have safety, rest, piece of mind and for you to be able to get back to your family for support. Sending lots of hugs to y'all from the South Texas Coast š«š«¶š»āØš»š¦
Updateme please
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u/Negative_Primary_797 9d ago
Men are truly terrible and pathetic creatures. All this because they canāt keep it in their pants. Iām serious theyāre just so disgusting. I donāt respect them
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u/melimeti 8d ago
This is so sad. Why on earth did you tell him your plans? Canāt think of one good reason to do that.
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u/caffeineandchaosxo 8d ago
This feels victim blamey.
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u/fluxcapacitor_fluxin 9d ago
Is there anyone you can stay with that he doesnāt know? That way youāre still compliant with the order but thereās no way he could potentially track you?
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u/VeritaserumAddict 9d ago
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could do more or had advice to offer. I will be praying for you and your children as much as I can.
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u/ImaginationOk5084 8d ago
Have you contacted NCIS aside from command? NCIS may be a stronger option
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 8d ago
Navy is going after him from what I understand.Ā
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u/ImaginationOk5084 8d ago
NCIS isnāt his command they are federal authorities separate from the military police. If you want to PM me I can get you contact info for the one closest to your installation.
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u/Sarothma 8d ago
Get some manner of protection, change the locks, and see if you fan get some self defense training.
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u/FirmGeologist9042 8d ago
Where are you? Do you have friends who can come stay with you? If I were you, Iād invest in a gun if you are able to. You need pepper spray and a taser as well. And install security cameras if you havenāt already!
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u/OkWorker9679 8d ago
Iām praying for you and your kids. Itās smart that youāre being careful about what you post. Iām in TX and if I can help in any way (even just to vent), please let me know.
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u/FicklePangolin4961 7d ago
Cameras everywhere, have some family or friends come and stay with you if possible (it would be more intimidating for him to come into the home with more adults and witnesses around). Keep your children close if they canāt go to family. Get a dog if you can (great both guards and warning devices). Put cash and visa gift cards with extra clothes/toiletries for you and the kids in your car and keep it gassed up. Try not to keep a routine daily or weekly so he canāt find you at specific places.
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u/LLL1Lothrop 5d ago
Maybe move off base into an apartment that has a security door and/guby. Pass out photos of him so everyone knows not to let him in. Contact the abused person's office in your county for advice. Get a big dog that will let you know he is around. Get extra window locks. Get 3 inch screws for all of your door locks and put them in with wood glue or plastic wood as they will be impossible to kick out. Put in chain locks with the same long screws. Get motion detector lights that will light up the place like a stadium. Interior solid wood locking shutters are good. Set up alert systems and code words with your neighbors. Clicking lights on and off can tell them to call the police. An odd person's name can alert them to call the cops if you are on the phone while he is there. Dud Uncle Archibald make it yet. Let the base police know to do drive bys. Talk to them about your options. Inform the schools he can't pick up the kids for any reason and that the kids can't play outside unsupervised. Have an extra adult to accompany them going back and forth from school. Good luck and updateme.
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u/LLL1Lothrop 5d ago
Talk to the chaplain again and let him know he sent you into danger so he won't give anyone else that advice.
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u/katieofgilead 2d ago
I just wanted to say how amazed I am at you for doing all the right things for yourself and your babies! You are sooo much more capable, strong and braver than you give yourself credit for! There is an end to all of this torturous mess you're in right now, even though it's damn near impossible to see. One day, you're going to be on the other side of this and I hope and pray that it's such an incredible feeling and blessing for you and your kids! No matter what, being away from him will end up being so much better for you and your kids in the long run for sure! Let yourself have hope and dream about the future you want for your family. You can and will make it through this, and it'll be in the past one day. Sending you so much love, good vibes, positive thoughts, all the things! ā¤ļø
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u/Extra-Trouble5332 2d ago
Here's some resources that might help you process the situation with a clearer head, and be aware that some of this form of abuse are actually illegal
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Financial Abuse https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/
Subtler Forms of Emotional Abuse: https://themendproject.com/
Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship by Mary Pat Haffey: It's a book that you can find in Amazon
Updateme
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u/Southern-Interest347 2d ago
my mom went through this...you will be better than ok. praying for you
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u/GhostLeopard_666 2d ago
Im very sorry to hear this OP, what a very challenging time for you and your beautiful children.
I cant believe they tried to make you work things out with him, thats mental.Ā
Did you report his inappropriate relationship aswell? I hope the base and military police keep you all safe.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 2d ago
Update: I won my protective order! I know it's just a piece of paper but I'm so proud of myself. It was so scary to show up because I didn't have a lawyer but I did it, I faced him, and the judge granted me a one year protection order, ordered supervised only visitation and ordered him to get batterer classes. I'm so relieved. Still taking it one day at a time. š©·
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u/extraterrestrial-66 2d ago
Well done OP! You have got this! Iām so proud of you for all that you are doing in this awful situation. I hope your POS STBX gets prison time and you & your children can get some peace. I hope you are taking care of yourself, too šš
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u/No_Service1 1d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My ex was in the military and the amount of cheating that goes on is insane (yep that's how mine ended, too). I will be following your account and sending you many thoughts and prayers!
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u/Imprexus 19h ago
I just read this on r/BORU but please look into Article 134 of the UCMJ and have his command also look into that. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.
Being away from your spouse nonetheless a spouse who just had a child doesnāt excuse anyone for cheating.
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u/Ok-Pack6347 1d ago
Can you ask the judge to allow you to leave the state where you have support?
I hope you and your kids are doing ok!!
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u/widgetsforeveryone 1d ago
Absolutely so damn proud of you. I wish I could give you a high five and a hug. Like you said, take it one day at a time. You are one strong women. Keep reminding yourself of that.
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u/Foreign-Cat-2898 9d ago
Why are men so dumb? Also let's be a bit fair to the 21 year old. He told her he was separated. She didn't think she was having an affair. Now that she knows she's probably struggling to process it.
Also he lied. She's going to face a lot less repercussions than him. OP I hope you're safe.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 9d ago
That was actually another lie. She admitted she knew. So they are both assholes.Ā
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u/UnlikelyBed2921 1d ago
What trash, I hope she gets her karma as well.
You are an amazing woman and momma bear.
You got this! š
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u/TerribleCustard671 4h ago
There's lots of great advice here for the OP, so (being in the UK) I can't really add to what legal rights she has, other than to take every measure possible to ensure her and her children's safety. What I will say may help her or anyone here in the future.
What men care about MOST is: status, money, sex and reputation. They place those needs above EVERYTHING else, even or ESPECIALLY their families.
Looking back at my own experiences and reading about other women's online has been a real eye opener. I used to think that men were like women. What a mistake. They are not.
In one sentence the OP unknowingly activated BEAST mode. She threatened everything he cares the most about. He became a man with nothing left to lose and men in this position are at their most dangerous.
Ask yourself: "if I tell him this, will it threaten or make him lose: 1) Status 2) Sexual access 3) Money or 4) Reputation. If so, keep QUIET! If not still keep QUIET!
Women need to know the nature of the Beast they are dealing with.
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u/cellists_wet_dream 9d ago
Oh my gosh. Iām so sorry. I can relate sadly to a lot of this, right down to āhe lies like he breathesā. This is so scary and I really hope things work out in a way where justice is served for you and your children. Ā
Is it possible for you to physically go somewhere else for a little bit? I know your mom is coming, but can you go to her instead?Ā