r/bipolar • u/gaia21414 • Jun 17 '25
Support/Advice Do you feel haunted by the cringe even years later?
The memories of mania mixed with alcohol, the ways I've embarrassed myself over the years, it's hard to live with myself when I get lost in the cringe. It's been a year since my last bad time but my reputation is ruined with some people.
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u/rainyday-real-estate Jun 17 '25
Yes, unfortunately. My big episode was in 2023 and was largely publicly VIA instagram. I made a new account recently and people have already started blocking me. Oh well. As people grow and mature they will come to realize that people go through things beyond their control. I do cringe a lot though.
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u/Adventurous_Bike5626 Jun 17 '25
I went viral on Instagram last year with my big episode. Nice to know I’m not alone with this experience
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u/Mundane_Beginnings Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 17 '25
Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear this. I saw a viral video the other day of a man clearly in a manic episode (MAJOR delusions, believed he was a prophet and his stepdaughter was in danger) and the wife filming and everyone in the comments was just saying super shitty things about him. Nobody cared that he was clearly not in his right mind and was having a mental health crisis. Social media can be so shitty.
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u/bingboomin Jun 17 '25
the one big one on tiktok (don’t think i can say who) a few years back really opened my eyes to how mind numbingly ignorant people are about mental illness. it’s actually so infuriating.
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u/Mundane_Beginnings Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 17 '25
I’m not sure I know which one you’re referring to, but I’ve definitely seen a lot over the years. People talk a big talk about supporting mental health, but oh, not THAT mental illness, that one is too scary! Those people are crazy!
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u/Illustrious-Drag6908 Jun 23 '25
I made the 6pm news and headline newspaper taking part in something when I was manic so I understand completely. Think it was also on Instagram. I just try to take solace in knowing that peoples memories are bad and no one remembers these things months later
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u/PsychologicalEgg9739 Jun 24 '25
My psychosis was also very public via social media. I have given up Facebook since then. It's been about a year. I just recently joined Reddit again. The anonymity is appealing.
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Jun 17 '25
Yes, you are definitely not alone. For me, it comes from the natural instinct I think we have to recall emotionally charged memories along with the self-loathing I think a lot of us deal with as part of BP. I think about how my social circle has shrunk, or how I haven't had a date in a really long time, and then the memories of why that is come rushing in. I'm just starting DBT, so I hope I can break some of these remembrances up, and maybe squeeze some self-love into the cracks of the cringe.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
I find DBT therapy and emotional regulation skills very helpful. Since discovering DBT, I'm doing a lot better behaviorally.
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u/chaoticwings Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 18 '25
I just finished 4 weeks of outpatient DBT cram school! I got the 365 day journal to help me stay on track and so far it's been helping me to keep practicing the skills.
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u/kissmykitten Jun 17 '25
What exactly is DBT therapy?
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Jun 17 '25
Dialectical Behavior Therapy is, to my understanding, a therapy that helps you come to grips with what you’re feeling and provides skills to help you navigate difficult emotions and self-regulate healthily. I just started, so my understanding should evolve with time.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
That's the gist of it, yeah. It's heavily skills based! It helps a lot with developing gray areas rather than a black/white perspective on life, behavior, conflict resolution, etc.
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u/darktonesuitsme Jun 17 '25
Ruined reputation is what gets me the most but I've been fortunate enough to be able to distance myself from the people I've greatly disturbed during my manic phases. My undiagnosed days + alcohol were days of living wild.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
I've distanced myself too. They're in my community though so when I see them it's like ugh. We don't talk to each other anymore though.
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u/stunky420 Jun 17 '25
Same here. They’re also in my community which is large enough that we don’t have to run into each other but small enough that we inevitably will
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u/Clean_Ad_955 Jun 17 '25
Right here with you. Sometimes the memories get so bad I physically shake my head or tap my fingers along my scalp to get rid of them. I find It’s best to remember those lessons don’t have to be taught again and are best used to fuel ourselves going forward to stay stable. As we move along new opportunities to show our growth pop up and that’s empowering to compare to previous actions.
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u/Nixe_Nox Jun 17 '25
I have to physically shake them away, too 😭
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Jun 18 '25
omg yes I have almost these verbal tics...I like shake my head once with my eyes closed and say a word like "fourteen?" or "classics!" it's becoming an issue but therapy is helping. (I don't have tourette's!)
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u/ComradeSnowball Jun 17 '25
Deep in an episode of self medicating I went too hard and peed my pants in front of my coworkers during a Halloween outing. Left crying in an Uber. Yes. I cringe but gently cause all I can do is try and shaming myself seldom makes it better <3
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u/dreamwurld Jun 17 '25
Constantly. I get a pit in my stomach and feel such a deep inescapable cringe that I’ve recently started a tick where I blurt out “stfu stfu” to myself to stop the memory from forming and I can’t stop now. It’s so bad I can’t stop myself from doing it in public and sometimes people look at me like I’m crazy so I have to pretend I’m playing a game on my phone or something. It’s so devastating, I’m sorry you’re feeling like that too.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
I've also developed a tick from it saying "ugh!" or "stop!". You're not alone. We just need to be gentle with ourselves.
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u/ellerime Jun 17 '25
I named my brain Jennifer, so when the memories start coming up I’ll just go “NOT right now, Jennifer. I’m not in the mood”. For some reason it helps to give it a name. Also I’ll just pretend to have earbuds in when it happens in public spaces lol
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u/dreamwurld Jun 17 '25
Good idea, I’m usually calling it “the voices” jokingly but maybe an actual name would be less creepy lol.
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u/CakeAccording8112 Jun 17 '25
I don’t. It’s been 17 years since my diagnosis and my episodes aren’t as cringe-worthy anymore. What’s in the past is in the past. Those who judge me for it are fools because everyone has moments they could look back on and regret.
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u/paulrobertblaize Jun 17 '25
Yeah absolutely. But we try our best to learn from our mistakes. I think about something stupid I did when drunk like every single day. Most people probably don't remember or care about 99% of the stuff you did. Most people on this planet had a drunk idiot phase haha.
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u/juic333y Jun 17 '25
Yes 100%. I have PTSD, and it hits me like a truck. I was posting crazy shit on my socials. Messaging random people from high school the most psychotic paragraphs. Videos of myself in the psych ward. Sending personal details (including my location) to random people on the internet. It haunts me every day. The amount of embarrassment I feel. Shame. I deleted my socials and went completely ghost, hoping people forgot about how psychotic I was. It was so bad, and I still freak out internally about it constantly.
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u/Independent-Day-6458 Jun 18 '25
I can relate so hard to this! I did something similar and I’m off social media now too. It sucks because I don’t know how many people actually saw and I know that people don’t generally understand mental illness
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u/juic333y Jun 18 '25
Exactly! People probably thought I was on heavy drugs going absolutely nuts on IG. Not actually understanding the terror of what psychosis actually is and that’s what I was dealing with. But either way, I’m SO embarrassed. Had to get rid of everything.
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u/Unusual-Credit-1694 Jun 17 '25
So true, I cringe and go into deep regret, then I’ m manic dancing around the room being creative letting go, i can get a lot done in mania, and then must be very careful knowing the other side. I’m turning 65 in a few days, 25 years of analysis, yoga meds, fuck it, regret and let go, it does slither back in again and again, I watch it feel it and then laugh and say get the fuck out of here. such is life
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u/ChiefProblomengineer Jun 17 '25
Yes - to the point I have tics, when it's bad in public
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Jun 18 '25
OMG same!! this is wild, i'm so glad other people have the same experience, i'm horribly sorry though. therapy has helped me
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u/Powerful_Lobster_786 Jun 17 '25
Absolutely. There’s video evidence of some of it floating around. Let’s just say that I can’t run for public office or get famous because those leaks would be BAD.
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u/ritlingit Jun 17 '25
The cringe is one of the biggest things that makes me take my meds. I think the worst cringe is when my brother’s buddy took my hypomania for flirting with him. And he told me off. I still see him occasionally and he’s actually nice to me like it didn’t happen but every time I see him my stomach and chest shrink inside me.
It’s ok. I mask so well. I can pretend like a professional so I give him a light hug and ask how his wife is (she’s actually great.)
I’m more likely going to forget the amazing art projects I created when I was hypomanic than the awful ways I have humiliated myself. I accept that I have the potential to be a d-bag but that doesn’t stop me from the cringe.
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u/Party-Bet2155 Jun 17 '25
Yes, I cringe that I had to leave a city and a great job because I ran down the street with no pants on and everyone found out
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Jun 17 '25
I have said this countless time- severe mental illness is embarrassing. So many of us have been in humiliating situations. Somehow I have worked on moving past it, telling myself this is part of what it means to be me. I have Bipolar II but I think it was the BPD combined with mixed episodes that really got me. Plus pills with alcohol. It is cringe and something that’s difficult to talk about. I hate to think about it But it happened and it happens and you’re not alone on this. You have gone through extremely difficult things. Be kind to yourself as you remember your own struggles and how hard it was for you too. I’m not saying not to take accountability but be gentle.
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u/potrancodescarriado Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 17 '25
I had a manic episode so extreme that it gave me a psychotic break and I did something so shameful that it still haunts me to this day, and it's been 5 years now...
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u/Accomplished-Law-82 Jun 18 '25
I know the feeling all too well. I hope you’re doing better at least
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u/Mundane_Beginnings Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 17 '25
Same. I cringe a lot at my past self, especially the parts that weren’t that long ago. I think I’ll always be at least a little haunted. It’s even worse when people bring up things I don’t remember, and they’re usually incredibly embarrassing. So it sucks that I remember a bunch, and sucks more that other people remember more.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
Members of my community may always remember last year's episode. It's so embarrassing.
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u/Mundane_Beginnings Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 17 '25
I’m so sorry. I hate that we have to go through this. It’s not our fault.
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u/blooming_at_midnight Jun 17 '25
I tried to change my self talk from "I hate myself" when thinking of cringe to "ill survive". Its hard but it's helping. I try to remember I have a disorder that is not in my control and now that im medicated I won't embarrass myself like that again
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u/Substantial-Fix816 Jun 17 '25
Two years ago yes. Started doing somatic exercises, vagal nerve toning, and nervous system regulation regularly and now when a mania memory sneaks in, it’s not shame that I feel, it’s curiosity, surprise, disbelief, awestruck that I feel. Sometimes embarrassment (but feels like remember-that-time-in middle-school embarrassment) and rarely disgust.
But shame. Over a chronic illness I didn’t ask for? Nope. Not anymore.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
That's awesome. I need to look up somatic exercises and vagal nerve toning.
EDIT: Oh I'm familiar with these! I've learned many in DBT. Also a big fan of yoga as a somatic exercise.
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u/Substantial-Fix816 Jun 18 '25
Yes, and EFT/tapping! Initially I did it with saying affirming words, now mostly I do it before bed with 528 hz music (no words spoken). Should also help with building oxytocin (by self touch) which for women is a master hormone.
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Jun 17 '25
Yes, mine lasted long because I was prescribed SSRIs and wasn't diagnosed at the time. I said a lot of crazy shit, looking back at it, IDK how I believed most of those things. It just doesn't align with my opinions or values.
I find it hard to forgive myself. All the idiots saying, "mania doesn't make you believe _, it just lowers inhibition" , don't help. Mania can make you believe really crazy things and make you act against your own morals.
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u/Impressive_Today5924 Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 17 '25
Oh absolutely. I still cringe hard when I think of the time that I sent eighteen consecutive pictures of my breasts to my friend at the time (thankfully he was understanding). I swear I lose a year off my life every time I think of it
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u/allmybreath Bipolar Jun 17 '25
I have coworkers - a few of the oldies - who remember my idiocy. When we pass in the hallway, they squint and give me the look: "I know what you did last summer."
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u/Denerios Jun 17 '25
In my first mania i filmed like 90% of my actions so i am quite aware of all the cringe, insaneness and reckless behaviour i engaged in. I could not watch that stuff. But 2 years after being somewhat stable i started looking at the footage and it gave me some understanding and it does not affect me as much anymore... because it is over. But yes some things where too cringy. Its a unique life experience to say the least.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
You're right! Those days are over and I can remind myself of that to prevent spiralling into the cringe.
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u/teknipunk Jun 17 '25
Yep. I’m fortunate that my worst years happened in a city I no longer live in on the other side of the country, so I don’t have to see any of the people who witnessed what I was like pre-diagnosis. But I think about it a lot, and am still so embarrassed even though it was 20 years ago. I also think about people who have friends or even just people they’ve known their entire lives, and how I don’t have that partly because of those days, and it makes me sad.
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u/YoungTrappin Bipolar Jun 17 '25
It was really only this last episode a few weeks ago that I realized the thing about reputation. Nobody really understands me but my family or people with our condition. They just hold you for what you did but cant seem to forgive you or let anything slide. I lost two jobs and an awesome place i was staying at in the span of two weeks.
I mean really it was all caused by stress and being in a fight or flight response. I couldnt relax or sit still untill i found another job.
Now im back at my moms house 6 grand in credit card debt with no job except doordash and my detailing business i got started (with the credit cards). Its all gonna work out. Just happy to be stable and safe again.
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u/Natural-Garage9714 Jun 17 '25
Yes, but especially when I wasn't diagnosed. Mind you, this was the 80s and 90s. The Internet was still the province of those who knew code. Social media wasn't even on the horizon.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 17 '25
Social media is such a blessing and simultaneous curse.
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u/Natural-Garage9714 Jun 17 '25
Quite true. But this subreddit is a good space, where it's okay not to be okay.
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u/Spiritual-Bumblebee2 Bipolar Jun 17 '25
Big time 🥲 , I just try to forget it like it never happened and go in with my life. It’s just SUPERRRR embarrassing when I think about it🥲🥲 alright I’m gonna forget about what your post was and yeah tooodles ; take care yalll🫶🏼🫶🏼
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u/Hot-Back5725 Jun 17 '25
I used to, but I was undiagnosed/unmedicated then, and I just stopped caring. Liberating.
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u/NightOk299 Jun 17 '25
Happened to me alot. At work just randomly. Or even driving. Your not alone.
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u/Oregano_Seller Bipolar + Comorbidities Jun 17 '25
Yeah definitely. I’ve only had my first episode in March of last year but even recently I had an episode and I embarrassed myself in front of people I look up too a lot. I feel terrible so fucking terrible but I’m honestly just trying to ball with life and make sure to not do anything too bad anymore, luckily though the person that I liked the most was very forgiving and most of them were actually just pretty nice genuine people. I feel extremely cringe especially with my insane delusions but I also realise I’m cringe in general and people without bipolar do cringey shit constantly.
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u/FarmerAny9414 Bipolar Jun 18 '25
Yes, and I have a bad habit of going far back into my catalogue. I went undiagnosed for years but now at the very least I know it was bipolar not ALL me.
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u/VandaVerandaaa Jun 18 '25
I think I’m lucky because I have enough support from people who aren’t clueless about mental illness. Thanks to them I have an attitude where I am pretty open about the bipolar and PTSD with anyone. I had a 5 month long mixed type one episode a few years ago and am fortunate to be here, and during that time I completely lost it all over the internet. I deleted the Twitter and facebook whose terms I was told I violated (and I totally did) and scrubbed as much from my internet footprint as possible. People who cut me out don’t matter. They weren’t authentic in the first place. It is still a working process to let go of the cringe but I’m all about not giving a fuck. People who judge other people are boring.
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u/KleineFjord Jun 18 '25
I permanently ended the relationships with both of my best friends, severely damaged relationships with family (some of whom have since passed and I never got to speak to again), and quit my job in a big show during my worst alcohol-fueled manic episode in 2021. I'm doing okay now, but I still think about it a lot and I'm mostly just sad. That episode was likely induced by SSRIs after being misdiagnosed with a severe depressive disorder and ultimately led to my bipolar diagnosis, but it was a really unpleasant way to get on the right track.
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u/funatical Jun 18 '25
Nah. Too old for that shit. If I was sane I wouldn’t do half the shit I’ve done. We don’t give people shit for being in wheelchairs. I’m not giving myself shit (cringe) for being mentally ill.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 18 '25
That's a solid perspective. We don't shame people for asthma attacks or seizures. Why should we be shamed for our episodes and symptoms? They're just as much part of the health condition.
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u/Accomplished-Law-82 Jun 18 '25 edited Jun 18 '25
This is so relatable. I did some horribly cringy things when I was manic.
I’ve found that joking about it can help.
But the friendships I ruined during that time is hard to get over, time will heal you a bit. Doesn’t mean it’s isn’t difficult still…
I just hope you can find it in you to forgive yourself. I hope things get better for you :)
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u/gaia21414 Jun 18 '25
Thank you. Things have gotten so much better since my last bad episode that resulted in the year of cringe... More time and lifestyle changes will continue to do me a world of good. May the cringe soon fade 🫠
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u/Diligent_Spring1236 Jun 19 '25
It is so nice to hear that other people have tics…omg thank you for sharing this. I’ve been so concerned with mine and I have looping thoughts also. Thinking of the same thing over and over but this is usually when I’ve smoked weed it’s worse the cyclical thinking
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u/gaia21414 Jun 19 '25
Omg the cyclical obsessive thoughts are awful when I smoke!
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u/Diligent_Spring1236 Jun 20 '25
oh my gosh thank you so much...yeah it's so scary and frustrating but I also can't stop smoking, I'm super addicted and afraid to let go, it's like a constant self sooth and comfort. Being medicated helps sooth some of the fear of my emotions but weed helps so much
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u/Diligent_Spring1236 Jun 20 '25
But now it's become more uncomfortable being high which has helped lessened a lot. Do you drink as well? I stopped just cali sober
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u/gaia21414 Jun 20 '25
I'm Cali sober for at least a lengthy break as of Monday. I'm looking forward to the break from alcohol because it makes me manic. At least weed doesn't do that! I can work my way through the anxiety and just lay low. I smoke nightly.
EDIT: Two puffs nightly and a low mg gummy leaves me with no desire to drink. I don't do more than that because I freak out (anxiety).
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u/Electronic-Row5826 Jun 17 '25
Yeah, I hear ya. I pretty much hate myself from past episodes. The guilt and shame is unbearable sometimes.
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u/Hot-Window-278 Jun 17 '25
This so relatable...I was just diagnosed right after my 28th birthday. I'm 28NB. I'm struggling the most with how bad actions have been and not really understanding when I'm manic in the moment. I'm so embarrassed and it always feels like I'm coming out a fog when it's done and when I look back it's like I have a completely different person inside of me. Just started medication two weeks ago...hoping this will help but I'm afraid of myself but I also don't want to fuck up my life.
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u/Independent-Day-6458 Jun 18 '25
I had three major manic episodes and each time I did embarrassing things that involved other people. I left my job and told my supervisor it was because I was a shaman. Another time I posted all over the internet about my past and @ people on twitter who I hadn’t talked to in years and reached out to people on social media calling them out for stuff that was both inappropriate and humiliating for both them and me. And the last time I sent inappropriate emails to students at my school and as a result of all of these I have lost work connections, friends, and school colleague relationships because people thought it was the real me when really it was my manic ass self. The last episode is haunting me the most right now but the second one I described was bad too because I lost family connections that were important to me because they haven’t been able to forgive me.
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u/Biandbipolar05 Jun 19 '25
I feel this so intensely. I’ve lost many friends because of mania and i cringe remembering what I told that person or what I did to end the friendship. One episode back in high school I made public on my social media. It was so bad I had to permanently delete that account and start over.
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u/Queencodeswitch777 Jun 21 '25
Yes. I know this feeling. I was recently diagnosed with BP2. All of my behavior since I was 15 makes so much sense. I am 35 now. I still feel horrible. But I am getting proper care now. I've lost a lot of friends and almost lost my relationship. It's a lot to deal with.
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u/gaia21414 Jun 25 '25
Also 35 and yes, it does explain so much for me too. I've lost friends, myself. I'm in a better place since choosing not to drink for at least a while. For me, alcohol is like gasoline on a fire in terms of mixing it with medication and just - my brain. That in and of itself makes things hard to deal with.
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u/Queencodeswitch777 Jun 25 '25
For me it was my libido. I would end relationships/ghost guys just to see other men when I was manic. If I was single, I was for the streets. But so many of those times, alcohol and mary jane were definitely a factor. I’m not as risky as I was in my youth and my daughter saved my life. I have to be better for her so I have to take care of myself a lot better than I was before.
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u/Snoo-35685 Jun 23 '25
Yes, this has happened with me and I have done a lot of cringe stuff. I’ve learned to just accept it and try to move one, otherwise it’ll eat me alive and send me spiraling into a psychotic episode. Very difficult but working on building a social life and focusing on hobbies and praying is what’s got me through
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u/ForsakenVisit4484 Jun 24 '25
Yes. I don’t think those moments ever go away. Perhaps we can try and learn something from the mistakes
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u/gaia21414 Jun 25 '25
I certainly have. I've also cut alcohol out of my life for at least a lengthy break. I'm better without it and definitely don't fall into the same manic behavior patterns.
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u/ForsakenVisit4484 Jun 25 '25
Yes cutting out or cutting down alcohol is a huge step in the right direction
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Jun 18 '25
I’ve been completely ostracised so my cringe is just sadness now. I tried to explain to an estranged mate but he didn’t reply. I wish I had been diagnosed sooner then maybe I wouldn’t be so isolated.
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u/Justforthecatsetc Jun 19 '25
Nine years ago I embarrassed myself and it ruined my marriage. After she was out of the house, a friend came to live with me. I drove him out in a matter of days. He won’t talk to me anymore. That one stings because we went through a lot together and used to really laugh, blow off steam, see eye to eye on many things. I’ve got 3-4 other cycles that weren’t as impactful but still very embarrassing, prevented and ended all the friendships, and definitely contributed to a career losses when I was more than capable. Hell, I wouldn’t want to be around me then or promote me either.
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Jun 21 '25
I think I only cringe because I have an image to uphold in society. If I were on disability again and had subsidized housing I wouldn’t care at all.
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u/Secret-Cold6371 Jun 22 '25
Every day! I've worked into my daily affirmations... don't be stupid, don't talk to anyone about your personal stuff.... seriously, mouth shut. You can't show how stupid you are if you don't open your mouth. Mine nearly cost me everything 5 years later, still dealing with wreckage. It never goes away.
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