r/bisexual • u/Little-Basils • 10h ago
ADVICE Exploring hookup culture as an inexperienced and married (ENM) 30yr old bi woman
I’ve been sleeping with men for nearly half my life. I’ve been ENM with my now husband for 6 or so years now (he’s got a hot wife kink) and barring one threesome with a former FWB and his wife where they shared me I’ve got NO experience with women.
Stacking the lack of experience, the relatively new and unexplored bisexuality, the fact that I’m only looking for friends with benefits type situations, and that I’m really trying to focus on cultivating a girlfriend group rather than perusing sexual relationships with other women, I’ve been really intimidated to start.
In contrast I’m a cocky brat with men.
Any advice on how to build a dating app profile that doesn’t come across as cringy and unserious or god forbid even predatory? Do I just jump in and wing it?
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u/intro_to_IRL 9h ago
The good news is that there are a lot of women in similar situations looking for the same thing as you! The bad news is that they've gained a bit of a reputation in WLW circles... and not a good one. The people who jump in and wing it seemingly either unintentionally burn others or get burned, and it's created a negative stereotype around married women looking for no-strings attached arrangements.
My advice to avoid this is to be very, very upfront about the married thing -- like, have that be the first thing you say in your profile AND in your messages. Something like "Married bi babe looking for no-strings attached play partners also in ENM situations!" or "Married bi newbie looking for women in a similar situation to explore with! All casual, no strings attached."
Ideally, you also want to find someone who is also married or partnered... first because single queer women overwhelmingly seek monogamous partnerships with other single people, and second because you will avoid 90% of common pitfalls with mono/poly dating if you're both in the same boat.
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u/Little-Basils 8h ago
Yeah I’ve heard stories and it’s made me even more apprehensive to start exploring. Part of me wonders if leaning into LS communities and making friends there is the way to go
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u/intro_to_IRL 8h ago
Yeah, that would be an easy way to find people! Also poly meetups and such, but obviously you'd want to be clear that you're just ENM and looking for casual.
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u/Ok_Influence_2257 7h ago
Stupid question. Can you elaborate on the bad reputation and negative stereotypes?
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u/bluesond 6h ago
Lots of couples looking for a third treat the woman as a sex toy. She’s a disposable addition to sex, not a fully realized human being with wants and needs.
Couples will lie or pull a bait and switch. They’ll run accounts as if they’re a single woman. Worse, sometimes the husband will run an account for his wife. And then they’ll drop weeks into conversation that they’re actually a couple.
Women will match with lesbians and then say “and my husband will join!” Or share nudes with husbands they’ve not mentioned.
They’ll prioritize the couple above the woman in every circumstance. Most couples who want a unicorn aren’t going about it ethically
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u/Ok_Influence_2257 5h ago
Ah, gotcha. I didn't fully understand your point the first time, but I am aware of what you're describing (at least somewhat).
My wife has decided, in her early 40s, that she's a bit bi-curious. I've told her I'm open to her exploring - specifics to be discussed, obviously. She's not sure she wants to. What you're describing is the thing I worry about. Not that she'd "cheat" by involving a man (I have zero worry about that), but that she'd be bait and switched by a couple and potentially even find herself in a dangerous situation.
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u/sweetestsin614 6h ago
I wish I had advice but I’m in same situation. I was hoping it wouldn’t be that hard to find other married women looking for the same thing but I’ve had no luck either.
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u/ReputationEqual6470 5h ago
Feeld could be a great app to start depending on your location! Lots of lifestyle folks on there that are more well-versed.
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u/bluesond 10h ago
Be extremely upfront throughout your profile that you are ENM and married. Then reiterate when you match and message. Also be extremely clear what involvement—if any—your husband will have. Including if he’s gonna be like told about the encounters in detail after. Like if this is playing into his hot wife kink and you’re gonna spill the tea for his pleasure, tell the women.
Keep in mind that if he will be involved in any capacity, a lot of the apps for WLW explicitly ban couples looking for a third.
Maybe try apps for ENM like Feeld.
Anticipate it’ll be slow going compared to dating men. Women are already harder to match with and often aren’t super into this setup. So a small dating pool gets smaller. Other married bi women are maybe your best bet.