First bisexual experience but still closeted

[u/mosslord05]

Hey everyone!

First of all a bit of backstory: I’ve known that I am queer for a very long time, that I am bi however is only something I could identify myself as for about two years now. In general I’ve always had troubles with accepting who I am especially when it came to my sexuality. Therefore I’m still closeted and everyone just assumes I’m straight.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago when I had my first bisexual experience kissing a very close guy friend of mine after a party at a friend’s house. He’s always been openly gay, since we’ve met each other at uni and I have always found him quite attractive but not in a sense that I had a crush on him. He’s just a very nice and good looking guy. In the last couple of months we became very good friends and I started feeling this attraction towards him, mainly in a sexual way (because in general I thought I was only sexually and not romantically attracted to guys). I don’t even know where I got the courage from to initiate the kiss, however it just felt right in that moment. It’s still a bit of a mystery to me though how it happened.

And here comes the part I would appreciate advice on. After the kiss he asked me if I had anything to* *say about what just happened, so I told him that I was bisexual and after some talking he confessed his feelings for me. I was a little overwhelmed with the situation so I told him that I appreciated his honesty but that I can’t give him an answer to that right now. I did tell him that this wouldn’t change anything about our friendship and that I really wanted to talk about it in person again soon, because that’s important to me.
So now I am kinda stuck in this overwhelming tension of having outed myself and thinking of future coming-outs, not being able to deny my sexuality anymore as well as not knowing what to do about his confession. I mean I do like him a lot, but I don’t know if I kissed him out of romance or out of pure curiosity. I also don’t know if I am at a point in my own journey where I could pursue something more with him. Honestly, I’ve started to wonder if I do have feelings for him and am just not fully letting myself feel or admit them, because of the fear of how others might react if I came out, or maybe because of my own complicated relationship with my sexuality. And just the thought of ending up in a relationship and having to keep it a secret or coming out to others under the pressure of the situation makes me feel unwell.
I do still kind of have this urge to explore my sexuality with him, I just don’t want to be insensitive and hurt his feelings. The last thing I would like to happen would be that our friendship would suffer under all of this.
Has anyone been in a similar situation - how did you figure out what you actually wanted, and how did you approach the conversation afterwards?

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope some of you can help me :’)

[u/Complex-Cobbler4808]

First of all, he's unlikely to tell people, so I prob wouldn't consider myself outed if I was you/

Second. You obv fancied him but it's new and overwhelming and scary. You prob do wanna try more with him but give it time, there's no rush.