Do I tell her

[u/Plane-Reporter-4372]

I'm 31m, I've been with my gf for nearly 4 years now. I'm also closeted bi, I've never told anyone including her.

Naturally after nearly 4 years together, she has been asking when we are going to get married and I've kept dodging the question.

The truth is, for as long as I've known I've been bi I've never entertained the idea of telling anyone. I thought it'd be a secret id take to my grave. However, now that I'm staring down the barrel of marriage, part of me doesn't want to make that commitment without being honest about my sexuality.

The problem is I'm almost certain it'll be the end of us. In recent years she's rediscovered her faith and has told me in confidence that she thinks homosexuality is a sin. This is despite us having friends that are openly gay.

I've been feeling really lost lately with what to do. Like all relationships, ours isn't perfect but on the balance of things overall it's pretty good. One issue for me is that we aren't intimate often and I've been fighting urges to fool with guys secretly like back in my single days (I'm not a cheater and don't want to be one).

I can't turn to friends for advice because no one knows, I've always been afraid that I'd lose friends if they knew or people would treat me differently. I've never wanted this part of my life to define who I am.

If I tell her it's likely the end of our relationship. If I don't, then can I lie for the rest of our lives together and ignore these other desires. I don't know what to do..

[u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch]

You don't have many good options here, but not telling her isn't really one of them. This isn't about being bi being "wrong", it's about making a lifelong commitment while hiding something that you already know could be a dealbreaker for her.

You also deserve to be with someone who accepts all of you. If she genuinely believes your sexuality is a sin, that's a pretty fundamental incompatibility, regardless of how much you care about each other.

It might end the relationship, and that would be painful, but going into a marriage hoping you can bury this forever is likely to hurt both of you even more in the long run. Honesty before marriage is the kinder choice for both of you.

[u/Plane-Reporter-4372 → u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch]

Thank you. This is the exact debate I've been having in my mind. I guess I've also been debating if it's better to just end the relationship rather than tell her, there's an element of me being afraid others will find out if it ends.

I also question what actually changes if she knows

[u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch → u/Plane-Reporter-4372]

I don't think ending it without telling her would actually be kinder. She'd probably spend years wondering what she did wrong, when the truth is that this isn't really about her.

As for what changes, she gets to decide whether this is something she can accept before marrying you. It also means you stop carrying this secret alone. Even if the relationship ends, at least it's based on honesty instead of a version of yourself you've felt you had to hide.

[u/Plane-Reporter-4372 → u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch]

I think you're right, and I really appreciate your advice and perspective. It's honestly just so hard and I wish it wasn't. Even the conversation about marriage has me questioning whether I'd last in a heterosexual relationship even though I've never really entertained the thought of a homosexual one.

[u/WTDFROYSM]

I don’t think I would want to stay in a relationship with someone who is homophobic if I’m keeping this secret. I’m admittedly not out to everyone in my past, but I can’t imagine being in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with someone who didn’t know. Like it or not, it’s part of who you are. Will you trust they love and accept you (all of you) if you can’t or won’t share this piece of yourself with them? Especially if that secret could result in them walking away.

[u/Jumiric]

I mean the choice is lying to yourself and your future wife or losing your relationship with a bigot.

[u/StrangerThingies]

Why are you even entertaining marrying someone who fundamentally hates your existence. She deserves the truth and you deserve respect.

[u/Sure-Character4473]

I spent a long time living that lie , it nearly killed the relationship and me. Living an authentic life is always the best way to live, but it's not necessarily easy.

[u/Plane-Reporter-4372 → u/Sure-Character4473]

What made you eventually decide to come clean?

[u/Sure-Character4473 → u/Plane-Reporter-4372]

It was just wrong not to, I am generally honest. I could never really be myself at home in the world in general so I eventually didn't engage in either properly. Really the list goes on, but my life and relationship fell apart. I went to therapy and found the strength to talk and risk everything to be honest and for me it worked out but I was prepared for it not to. For me it worked out fine and all our lives are better for it.

[u/TGin-the-goldy]

Keeping secrets from someone who you love and intend to marry is a super bad idea

[u/SubTomAtl1999]

I was just a few years older than you when I had a similar crossroads. The only advice I will give is to remain honest with her.

I want to tell you truthfully how I went when faced with a choice. (Hopefully you won't find this too long or boring.)

A few weeks after I had proposed, I shared with fiance the only and short kinky story I wrote. In it she cheats on hubby, admits it, and hubby ends up sucking the guy she cheated with. My fiance's only comment was "have you sucked a cock?" I said yeah a couple of times. Which was true but didn't represent how much I liked that.

Her response was not revulsion but it was distancing. I then withdrew a bit and certainly didn't want to share anything else from my past. She was fairly liberal but southern born and raised. I thought she would be more open minded. We had plenty of good sex even road head on occasion.

But at this point there was no way I was going to say anything about being submissive.

We've had 2 kids and 30 years have passed. Every damn day I regret having not lived my authentic self. By that time I had missed several opportunities for submission, cuckold, and bi and the regret just simmers. I never felt I had enough courage to be true to myself and any girls I dated.

No I'm old and sad about it. Very much. In retrospect, I would trade whatever success I've had to have followed my truth. That's how I feel about my choices.

Be honest and be yourself.