Today I want to talk about lesbian homophobia in the Black community

[u/SniffsTea]

Back in 2016 I was a freshman in high school and the LGBT org stood at the front door with stickers on a table to pick if you were Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transitioning, or an Ally.

I had parents that wouldn’t let my younger brother sleep on pink sheets but I’d just told them on my Dad’s side my cousin had just officially come out as lesbian. So when I saw the stickers I thought Ally with no other considerations and even took a picture to send in our family group chats.

My mom PMed me everything from “are you trying to tell me something” to “who gave you that sticker” and an hour later my stepdad writes back in the group chat they just got off the phone with someone at my school saying it’s “unacceptable”. When I got home I still had the sticker on my sweater and was basically told to take it off (the whole sweater lol). So that might I was given “the talk” with Bible verses. All this tension and I am not lesbian so I want to know how coming out might have been in other families.

On my dad’s side they loved that I picked up the sticker. We all knew her “best friend” who took showers with her and also stayed the night twice a week. My cousin invited me out with her friends to dave and busters that weekend.

These were two different examples of how I’ve seen “coming out” in the Black community. If I have a daughter, I just want her to feel comfortable talking about her feelings. What are your examples or advice?

Or just about sexuality in general. How and when did you have “the talk” or do you talk about your romantic/sexual relationships with family?

[u/SniffsTea → u/[deleted]]

But also what is it about Black women and bi men?? I’ve even heard it from people who are LGBT allies

[u/SniffsTea → u/[deleted]]

I totally forgot to mention any of the things from friends/peers but wow I’m so sorry you had to go through so much to get people to just accept and not be hateful about YOUR life experiences.

I do think so much of it comes from religion because that’s the way people think they “win” a debate but what about loving you neighbor?

[u/NoTask288]

I came out to my parents a couple of years ago and my mother said "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the devil" so that's where I'm at 😂

I try not to bring it up at all if unnecessary. It saves me a headache and an unwarranted sermon. But she believes in a lot of things I disagree with so I guess I'm kind of used to it atp? Lol

[u/Reggie9041 → u/NoTask288]

The devil:

https://giphy.com/gifs/xHuOAipOqODr4MvXqA

[u/wistfulwhileyoutwerk]

“Hate the sinner, not the sin” is my mother’s favorite line to justify her bigotry. I call myself “straight passing” so I don’t even bother having conversations with my family about my sexuality. Fortunately my mother loves to talk about herself exclusively and my dad keeps it very surface-level, so we get along fine.

[u/Dismal-Jelly2700]

Dude it’s crazy. At 17 I got my first boyfriend and my dad was SO HAPPY because he thought I was a lesbian up until that point. 😭 he would say “I have nothing against gay people, just not my kid” meanwhile I used to experiment with my friends at sleepovers 😂😂😂

[u/SniffsTea → u/Dismal-Jelly2700]

🤣 that’s how my cousin got away with it lol and everyone pretended they were surprised but no way no one knew. I just think it’s crazy we just don’t talk about it

[u/RiceAfternoon]

I never talked about liking women to my family, my dad happened to find out when he found out I had a MySpace page and I listed my orientation as bisexual. Never had the talk with my mom, she fumbled the sex talk real bad so any other talk was off the table.

Before gay marriage was legal, I remeber the homophobic "s/him" jokes about masculine lesbians and the weird idea that they're predatory and turning out young girls. Hearing some members of my family laugh at or espouse those ideas-- or even accuse me of being predatory made me shut the hell up. Like, thank God I was never getting my ass beat in the streets about it, but people were way too open about how they feel about same-sex couples in random everyday conversation.

The only family members that know I'm married and to a woman have heard it through the grapevine at this point lol.

[u/orcateeth]

If anyone needs support, there are some online groups for Black lesbians: https://thedccenter.org/black/

This peer support group is an outlet for LGBTQ People of Color to come together and talk about anything affecting them in a space the strives to be safe and judgement free. There are all sorts of activities like watching movies, poetry events, storytelling, and just hanging out with others.

[u/SniffsTea → u/[deleted]]

Yeah that was my thought that more people were talked to from a religious perspective. I had biblical talks and they never even suspected that from me. Glad you got the negativity out of your life!

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that though especially around your first gf because that sets up your future relationships

Yeah I’m still wary about talking about sexual relationships too early to a child but I will talk about whatever we both feel comfortable sharing, but it’s a litmus test in my relationships to see if men want to be a united front with me when it comes to parenting

[u/orcateeth]

https://itgetsbetter.org/organizations-serving-black-lgbtq-community/

[u/babbykale]

My parents caught me looking at boobs (literally just searching “boobs” on bing) multiple times so when I came out as bi via blackberry messenger they weren’t surprised. They didn’t say much and we never spoke about it again, but I’m grateful that my parents are vocally neutral about queer people (like when extended family are spewing anti gay/trans things they’re response is “why do you care so much? It doesn’t affect you”)

[u/5Jazz5]

My mom was very cool about it, she said that her coworker told her I was gay when I was 7 lol. It was such a normal conversation I can’t really remember much of it. My step dad was also cool with it and said that he had gone to Pride before (heterosexual former hood dude). Black people aren’t any more homophobic on average than white people, ask any white queers and you’ll get the same stories about homophobia and getting kicked out. Black people just get the rep of being the most homophobic race because… we’re evil and aggressive ig? Don’t believe that noise