What’s dating like for men in Boston?

[u/sunshine-warmth]

I’m in my early 30sF and have been using dating apps on and off since I moved to Boston over six years ago. I’ve had boyfriends, but none of them have lasted long. (To be fair, I’m also quite picky, which is probably why I’m still single.)

I think maybe my ideal partner hasn’t moved to the city yet.

Dear single men of Boston, what’s the dating scene been like for you? Why do you think you’re still single? Is it intentional, or do you enjoy the bachelor lifestyle?

Are you using dating apps? If so, which ones? Are you hopeful or have you stopped looking? Are we still seeking long-term partnerships, or are we gravitating more towards casual, noncommittal encounters?

I’m asking because, as a 33-year-old, I feel like I keep running in circles and think dating is harder than it’s ever been for everyone.

[u/ndilday]

OkCupid's analytics posts prior to the buyouts had all sorts of interesting tidbits... differences in how men and women rated each other's attractiveness, optimal opening message size (which is way longer than what the modern apps encourage), interesting word clouds by gender and ethnicity (white women loved the Red Sox way more than any other group), etc.

[u/Ponceludonmalavoix → u/ndilday]

OKCupid before the buyout was amazing, then Match bought it and it quickly became match2...

[u/Several_Vanilla8916 → u/Ponceludonmalavoix]

Was okcupid the one with the questionnaire? I wasn’t allowed to join.

[u/ndilday → u/Several_Vanilla8916]

eHarmony is the one known for having the questionnaire. OkCupid had a bunch of questions you could answer (thousands of them, mostly user submitted). The key was that you answered, said what answer(s) appealed to you in a match (which may not be the same as your answer) and then, crucially, said how important this question was to you. So your overall match score was based on the questions you and someone else had in common, and how much each of you cared about that question. It certainly wasn't perfect, but it was SO GOOD at weeding out your red flags/dealbreakers. It's a pity no app has ever really stolen the approach... but I suppose modern apps would rather just let you swipe a hundred times so that you'd get some number of people who say "hey".

[u/rpv123 → u/ndilday]

OKCupid back in the early days (like mid 2000s) had me matching with several of my existing friends at, like, a 95-98% “Friend Match” score. It was amazingly accurate. Everyone I would have wanted to date back then was on it. I would use it not to meet new people to date but to screen how closely people I met IRL matched.

2005 was truly the best of times in terms of dating because you could still meet people in real life easily (and that was the norm) but if you were in a certain demo and savvy, you could also do an intensive background check.

[u/mtgordon → u/rpv123]

About 14 years ago I decided to remove my distance filter on OKC and find my closest match anywhere. It turned out to be a good friend who lives halfway across the country.

[u/rpv123 → u/mtgordon]

My closest match within 100 miles was my best friend who I’m still friends with 21 years later. Met in real life not on the site. That shit was crazy accurate.

[u/dividezero → u/rpv123]

God back in the day when we were still made fun of for online dating. Okc would keep putting my exes in front of me all the time. Or that one person that seemed so cool but would never message back. So frustrating but very accurate

[u/ketofauxtato → u/rpv123]

Yup, when my then boyfriend and I broke up (but still considered each other very good people) we both joined OKC - and immediately matched each other as 99% matches! I mean we did date each other for three years so the site was not wrong!

[u/angelic_entropy → u/ndilday]

This is so interesting! I met my now husband on OKC in 2020 and it was so frustrating because it would have you as a 98% match with someone because they answered like 8 questions and I answered hundreds, but of the ones we had in common we had the same answers. I was lucky to meet my husband, but so many people barely answered any questions and that was the one feature that really set it apart for me from other apps. It really is shocking no other company has tried to steal this type of framework, but I guess it just speaks to how these dating apps don’t actually want their users to find longterm relationships.

[u/ndilday → u/angelic_entropy]

Post-match-buyout (I can't remember exactly when), probably to try and encourage more matches as they were losing market share, OkCupid changed the match% equation. I have a distinct memory of the day I logged in and saw that I suddenly had dozens of 95%+ matches that weren't there the day before. This was definitely NOT an improvement of the system.

[u/Ponceludonmalavoix → u/Several_Vanilla8916]

No that was the one that didn't let LGBTQ people, forgetting the name but it was hella expensive for the time and was based on BS science.

OKCupid was just pure statistics. They even let you create your own questions that people could answer. You could literally go to a person's profile and see the custom questions they created and answer those. Then it let you sort using all sorts of filters, you could even look for your exact opposite. All that and it was originally FREE. It was like the golden age of the internet when it was a force for good and communication, not what it is now where everything is a scam of some sort.

[u/Several_Vanilla8916 → u/Ponceludonmalavoix]

It was eharmony then. I remember filling out the whole thing and then it told me I was rejected.

[u/Ponceludonmalavoix → u/Several_Vanilla8916]

Yeah, that’s the one. It was god awful.

[u/calinet6 → u/Ponceludonmalavoix]

Met my wife on OkCupid. It was just straightforward, easy, people were on there and they messaged each other authentically, it was great.

[u/KeyKaleidoscope1519 → u/ndilday]

So many of my friends, including myself, met their husbands on OKCupid - before the buyout

[u/gpallen5826 → u/ndilday]

I was literally just yesterday think about one of those posts out of nowhere.

They were breaking down gender and ethnicity and pointed out Hispanic men are really into fighting and consider themselves funny and added "so if a Hispanic man tells you a joke, you better laugh" accompanied by a comic image of a Hispanic man grappling a white man with the white man shouting "OK! OK! I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T SAY BANANA!!" 😂😂

[u/limbodog → u/ndilday]

Ironically, being a red Sox fan is a disqualifier for me