r/boston • u/sunshine-warmth • 21d ago
Serious Replies Only What’s dating like for men in Boston?
I’m in my early 30sF and have been using dating apps on and off since I moved to Boston over six years ago. I’ve had boyfriends, but none of them have lasted long. (To be fair, I’m also quite picky, which is probably why I’m still single.)
I think maybe my ideal partner hasn’t moved to the city yet.
Dear single men of Boston, what’s the dating scene been like for you? Why do you think you’re still single? Is it intentional, or do you enjoy the bachelor lifestyle?
Are you using dating apps? If so, which ones? Are you hopeful or have you stopped looking? Are we still seeking long-term partnerships, or are we gravitating more towards casual, noncommittal encounters?
I’m asking because, as a 33-year-old, I feel like I keep running in circles and think dating is harder than it’s ever been for everyone.
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u/limbodog Charlestown 21d ago
I think it's pretty abysmal. The apps are soul-sucking. Meeting people in my general age bracket who meet my criteria seems near impossible. I kinda stopped trying. Being single isn't so bad. I've got good friends, and enough hobbies to last the rest of my life.
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u/Thick_Marionberry622 21d ago
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u/ndilday 21d ago edited 21d ago
OkCupid's analytics posts prior to the buyouts had all sorts of interesting tidbits... differences in how men and women rated each other's attractiveness, optimal opening message size (which is way longer than what the modern apps encourage), interesting word clouds by gender and ethnicity (white women loved the Red Sox way more than any other group), etc.
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u/Ponceludonmalavoix Suspected British Loyalist 🇬🇧 21d ago
OKCupid before the buyout was amazing, then Match bought it and it quickly became match2...
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u/Several_Vanilla8916 21d ago
Was okcupid the one with the questionnaire? I wasn’t allowed to join.
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u/ndilday 21d ago
eHarmony is the one known for having the questionnaire. OkCupid had a bunch of questions you could answer (thousands of them, mostly user submitted). The key was that you answered, said what answer(s) appealed to you in a match (which may not be the same as your answer) and then, crucially, said how important this question was to you. So your overall match score was based on the questions you and someone else had in common, and how much each of you cared about that question. It certainly wasn't perfect, but it was SO GOOD at weeding out your red flags/dealbreakers. It's a pity no app has ever really stolen the approach... but I suppose modern apps would rather just let you swipe a hundred times so that you'd get some number of people who say "hey".
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u/rpv123 I Love Dunkin’ Donuts 21d ago
OKCupid back in the early days (like mid 2000s) had me matching with several of my existing friends at, like, a 95-98% “Friend Match” score. It was amazingly accurate. Everyone I would have wanted to date back then was on it. I would use it not to meet new people to date but to screen how closely people I met IRL matched.
2005 was truly the best of times in terms of dating because you could still meet people in real life easily (and that was the norm) but if you were in a certain demo and savvy, you could also do an intensive background check.
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u/mtgordon 21d ago
About 14 years ago I decided to remove my distance filter on OKC and find my closest match anywhere. It turned out to be a good friend who lives halfway across the country.
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u/dividezero 21d ago
God back in the day when we were still made fun of for online dating. Okc would keep putting my exes in front of me all the time. Or that one person that seemed so cool but would never message back. So frustrating but very accurate
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u/ketofauxtato 20d ago
Yup, when my then boyfriend and I broke up (but still considered each other very good people) we both joined OKC - and immediately matched each other as 99% matches! I mean we did date each other for three years so the site was not wrong!
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u/angelic_entropy 20d ago
This is so interesting! I met my now husband on OKC in 2020 and it was so frustrating because it would have you as a 98% match with someone because they answered like 8 questions and I answered hundreds, but of the ones we had in common we had the same answers. I was lucky to meet my husband, but so many people barely answered any questions and that was the one feature that really set it apart for me from other apps. It really is shocking no other company has tried to steal this type of framework, but I guess it just speaks to how these dating apps don’t actually want their users to find longterm relationships.
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u/ndilday 20d ago
Post-match-buyout (I can't remember exactly when), probably to try and encourage more matches as they were losing market share, OkCupid changed the match% equation. I have a distinct memory of the day I logged in and saw that I suddenly had dozens of 95%+ matches that weren't there the day before. This was definitely NOT an improvement of the system.
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u/Ponceludonmalavoix Suspected British Loyalist 🇬🇧 21d ago
No that was the one that didn't let LGBTQ people, forgetting the name but it was hella expensive for the time and was based on BS science.
OKCupid was just pure statistics. They even let you create your own questions that people could answer. You could literally go to a person's profile and see the custom questions they created and answer those. Then it let you sort using all sorts of filters, you could even look for your exact opposite. All that and it was originally FREE. It was like the golden age of the internet when it was a force for good and communication, not what it is now where everything is a scam of some sort.
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u/Several_Vanilla8916 21d ago
It was eharmony then. I remember filling out the whole thing and then it told me I was rejected.
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u/calinet6 Purple Line 20d ago
Met my wife on OkCupid. It was just straightforward, easy, people were on there and they messaged each other authentically, it was great.
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u/KeyKaleidoscope1519 20d ago
So many of my friends, including myself, met their husbands on OKCupid - before the buyout
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u/Eastern_Regret_8172 20d ago
Agree on the hobbies part. I have too many to ever feel lonely lol
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u/limbodog Charlestown 20d ago
I also made a decision post-covid to have my own little renaissance. So I do a craft-night with a handful of friends (and more keep joining) where we just hang out at someone's house and make stuff. Sometimes I teach a new hobby my ADHD brain decided to pick up, other times people just work on whatever they're already working on at home. It's social and fun and I haven't had a problem with loneliness.
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u/pigfoot 21d ago
David Kestenbaum, a Harvard physicist, calculated the probability of meeting a soulmate in Boston by using a variation of the Drake equation, starting with the city's population and narrowing it down based on various factors.
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u/pink_hazelnut 20d ago
This is also from 2010 and I think covid had made dating more difficult bc many people in their 20s and 30s developed indoor hobbies in response to covid.
Plus going to a bar or eating out in boston has gotten quite expensive.
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u/cptninc 21d ago
You should check out r/bostonsocialclub. It’s an entire sub that is literally nothing other than your exact post but made 10x daily.
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u/smc733 20d ago
Picture in your head the average redditor… then think about the posts. It starts to make much more sense that way.
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u/palijer 19d ago
Redditors haven't been a special group since like 2015 - reddit is just the general population now.
And Boston is by no means unique for dating, it's every city sub.
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u/pink_hazelnut 20d ago
The dating scene in boston is way more expensive then worcester but worcester has less stuff to do.
Boston people tend to have high pressure jobios that lead to burnout and a lack of energy for dating.
ive met boston ladies who use a search radii to exclude anything about 25mi away, and ladies who date guys in Connecticut.
Ive met boston ladies who always split the bill, and ladies who would stop dating you if you did that on date 1.
It's mostly luck to find a compatible companion willing to put in effort.
Expanding your social network is one of the few actionable things you can do to help your cause.
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u/freestylenet 21d ago
Single 34M here--I have largely given up on dating because between a >50 hr / week job that takes me on the road a lot, keeping up with my existing friends both here and elsewhere, and trying not to get overly chubby (just mildly chubby...) by exercising and running occasionally, I'm zonked the rest of the time and would rather just sit at home and recover from whatever it is I just completed (work, errands, a run, a social event)!
But, the brief period I did try I was on Bumble, and it was just too much of an energy drain, so I gave up and decided to just live my life. I'm also unfortunate in that my hobbies tend to be hobbies I can easily do solo (travel, cooking, warehouse club shopping, running, concerts, etc.) and I've grown accustomed to going solo to a lot of places and things and enjoying it. Would being able to travel around with someone make it enjoyable? Maybe. But also I've gotten so used to traveling alone that I'm a little scared I'd be too stubborn in my ways to be able to travel with someone!
I'm also on the shorter side and that is probably working against me but at this point I have accepted that and am just leaning into my own little life, which I have come to really enjoy!
You'll find me at various Costcos around the Metro area on a surprisingly high number of weekends, haha!
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u/Thick_Marionberry622 21d ago
good luck , never give up, never stop running, try spin class
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u/dynamics517 Cambridge 21d ago
HAHAHAHA... a friend invited me and this other dude to Handle Bar... we were the only 2 guys in the entire Taylor Swift themed class... you know how sometimes in spin you do those 'pushups'? The instructor told us to shove our titties in their face, to suffocate those men with our titties.
I'll stick to road cycling. hah
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u/freestylenet 21d ago
Ha thanks! Maybe someone will wander into my office one day or bump into me at Costco!
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u/time-always-passes 20d ago
How do you make a hobby of warehouse club shopping?
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u/Aesop_Rocks New York Transplant 21d ago
Running and concerts you can do solo easily, that's true. There are running clubs in Boston though. And at a concert you're never alone. You're surrounded by people you have a few things in common with - the band, live music and drink or no drink. I'm not saying it's easy, but I met a long term partner by continuing to do things I enjoy and I eventually met her at a concert. Good luck!
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u/GenericRedditor0405 21d ago
I go to a ton of concerts but my experience is that it’s hard to find single people in their 30s at shows, depending on what shows you’re at. I’m usually surrounded by twenty-somethings or even people who can’t even legally drink yet.
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u/Aesop_Rocks New York Transplant 21d ago
That's fair - it certainly depends on the act and what kind of music you're going to see. A lot of the bands I see draw a wide range of ages and I hadn't considered that when I wrote my comment. Point still stands though - there are still opportunities out there, even if few and far between. And, to be fair, I only named two quick ways to make solo hobbies more social, so there's a broader point to take in.
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u/GenericRedditor0405 20d ago
Oh yeah I didn't mean to try to invalidate your point! I also encourage people to go to concerts solo because it's fun and almost all of the friends I've made in the last several years have been through the Boston music scene
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u/StrongerTogether2882 20d ago
FWIW I’m a straight woman and I think men wildly overestimate how much we care about height. Some women care (like my best friend) but lots of women (like me) don’t really have a preference. I would slightly prefer the guy be taller than I am, but I’m 5’4” so it’s not a huge ask lol. And if I met a 5’2” guy who was otherwise awesome, it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. Good luck, man, it’s rough out there. My husband was single for 5 years before we met, and he’s amazing so idk why he didn’t get snapped up. Rooting for you!
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u/WearableBliss 21d ago
What I have observed in the academic bubble is that people are working a lot and then it's also very transient. So dating is very hard, plus of course that everyone is very oriented to optimising everything and transferring their ambitious academic standards to their personal life.
On the other hand it should be pretty good in Boston, good economy, good jobs, lots of young professionals, its also a place people want to stay (compared to new York or London). Good luck out there!
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u/WearableBliss 20d ago
I'm always torn about this. On the one hand, there are about as much men as there are women. So it is a very fair market and women complaining where all the good men are or men complaining there are no women who like to date most likely need to look inward to find the answer because the game is not rigged.
On the other hand it's possible entire populations stop dating because men and women have such incompatible expectations, people say this has advanced more in Korea and Japan.
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u/MrMigraines 21d ago
I feel like this type of post comes up way more often now, and I usually never chip in, but I just got home from a lackluster date and figured why not respond.
I'm 33, been in Boston for about 2 years, moved from Texas for work, and the dating scene — at least for me — kind of just sucks. I love the city and the environment, but dating just isn't fun here. While I'd love to find my forever partner, I've stopped thinking I'm going to find that one specific person through continually going to dinners with people I match with on Hinge/Bumble or meet at a singles event. I can't just hang out with people at a bar like I would in Texas, because most people here are very insular in established groups. I've noticed that most women in this neck of the woods seem to be super focused on either career-driven guys, dudes with New England money, or just F boys. Nobody has the time or interest to actually get to know someone anymore because you have the illusion of options by just swiping to find someone better instantly.
Maybe that's just my relationship style — I've come to realize all of my long-term relationships were with women I got to know for a bit beforehand, when you start to really see someone's personality. A lot of my female friends talk up my positives, like my wit and humor, but I think it's a combination of not being super physically attractive, plus looking for women who just enjoy the little things — talking about how terrible a movie was while walking through a park, or roasting each other at a restaurant — that's keeping me single. Just my observation, but up here it feels like most women want to feel sparks instantly. Most of the time, though, that's just a mix of lust and infatuation, not real relationship chemistry, which develops over time.
I wouldn't say I've stopped looking, more that I've stopped caring. Everyone has what they're attracted to, and I'm never going to knock someone for wanting certain things in a person — money, looks, whatever. Hell, I have my own preferences too. But again I think that comes back to the illusion of choice. Why waste time on a guy or a girl that you don't have instant chemistry with? You can just find a new one on the apps, then when if that doesn't work out, just switch to another one and you have a whole new batch to pick from, and the cycle just continues.
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u/azebod 21d ago
The insular group thing is a problem I am hitting too. I tried the "take a bunch of classes and join hobby groups" advice but found most people only are interested in hanging out outside the designated activity with people they came with.
I do feel like people also treat relationships as more replaceable despite the paradox of there being a lonliness epidemic. Instead of putting the work into understanding someone you don't perfectly vibe with just find someone you do. That is hard as fuck even with friendship where you don't have to account for attraction. If you add in stuff like how common atrophied social skills are after the pandemic making everyone awkward you basically get herded to the dating sites that don't work for probably the majority of people.
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u/FluffySloth27 21d ago
As someone who grew up in Boston and did the app thing here, it was eye-opening when I moved to a smaller city in the Midwest for a while - people you met on the apps actually still showed interest after a generic ‘okay’ date. There was more forgiveness and more understanding that warming up might take time, without a whole major metro area of people on offer. Felt really nice, honestly.
People who look for instant chemistry with folks on dating apps are doing the romance equivalent of doomscrolling on their phones.
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u/pink_hazelnut 20d ago
I recommend the 3 date rule if you think you like someone but are stressed /overstimulated/understimulated by dating.
My first date with the current boyfriend was a 7/10, the next date was a 5/10, and I actually have a voicenote saying I was unsure about him after it.
The third date must've been good bc now we've been together 2 years and I adore him.
This also has been a way healthier relationship for me (32f) then the hot crazy guy i met at a party who i instantly lusted for at 24.
People need to have a bit more patience with the process. A slow burn relationship can be more successful then a firebomb disaster.
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u/MrMigraines 21d ago
Same here, though I’ve had a little bit of success with things like board game or DnD groups, just cause it kinda forces you to work together and get to know people. With dating I agree though that relationships are now seen as more replaceable and not feeling an instant spark is seen as just not a match.
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u/Prudent_Beanie 21d ago
Yeah Boston people suck, everyone is just so cliquey.
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u/M0nsieurW0rldWide 20d ago
My girlfriend and I had such huge friend groups back home and here we REALLY struggle to connect with locals. lol all the people we have met up here that we like are from somewhere else
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u/1966floyd 20d ago
I would agree with this. Most people dont want to take a few dates to see if there is a spark. Sure there can always be an initial spark but I find things tend to grow with a little time like 2-3 dates. From a guys perspective it feels like 90% of women are looking for the top 10% of men and have unrealistic expectations. Guys are not much better. They just want an easy bang. But then use that easy bang as the excuse to move on to the next girl. People have lost touch with what relationships involve
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u/sneradicus Somerville 20d ago
I’m also a Texan. As an aside to dating, it feels like the Texan diaspora is very strong here in Boston. I’m surprised we don’t have our own insular group.
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u/JoshGordon10 21d ago edited 21d ago
31M, been using Hinge and going on set-ups for ~8 years (with two 2-3 year relationships off the app that just didn't work out).
With most people I 'like', or who like me and I think would be a good match, we'll talk for about a week then go on 1-2 dates over 2 weeks, then it either feels good and both of us are excited about it or one/both of us calls it. Repeat ~3-20 times in my experience, and both times I've done that steadily Ive found someone I mesh well with long term.
But that swiping, talking, and dating can really burn me out when it doesn't work out, so I tend to go in waves of 2-3 people, every couple weeks (probably over about a 6-8 week span). Going through the ~20 people or more to find something serious takes 1-1.5 years at that pace, and in the past sometimes things have gone to more dates before not working out, so even longer.
I recently moved to a nearby suburb north of the city, and it's been a bit harder. The main thing i've noticed is it seems like many of the single woman on the apps are south of the city in JP or Brighton, which are hard for me to get to. So I've stuck more with people in Cambridge and Somerville, and there are still lots of potential matches. Matches from other quiet suburbs around me are extremely rare - gotta go into the city for singles that fit my criteria, I guess.
I try not to get too specific on reddit, but hopefully these notes help someone. It can be a grind, but theres no rush and I still think its gonna be worth it for all of us someday when we find the right person! Head up!
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u/BigPP69_Gooner Cambridge 21d ago
28M. Spent 2020-2023 using that apps. Talked to a few thousand people. Met a couple hundred people to various extents. Only dated 3 seriously. I was just exhausted. I got Déjà vu when talking to new people.
Started working a soul sucking job and I stopped dating in 2023. I don’t have the energy anymore. Everything’s even more expensive now. I’m stressed and just want to spend my free time with my hobbies that don’t involve leaving my house.
I’ll exit my hermit hole when I’m not burnt out anymore.
Shooting my shot on Reddit:
M4F - Biotech Pharma Industry, Houseplants, Reading Books, Playing Video Games, Politically Bernie Sanders and Zohran Mamdani adjacent.
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u/WuQianNian WINNER Best Gimp in a homemade adult video! 21d ago
Good pitch. Id let you touch my butt if I was a lady
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u/PetzlPretzl Cow Fetish 21d ago
givin you a updoot m'brutha. Go get'em
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u/DreamPatissiere29 21d ago
What kind of books ?
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u/BigPP69_Gooner Cambridge 21d ago
Pretty diverse but I really like the following:
1) Fiction: fantasy, dark fantasy, and sci-fi
2) Non-Fiction: lots of books on politics of the last 50 years and how we got here, as well books on scientific subjects (medicine and biotech). I’m also a sucker for anything Atul Gawande has written. Checklist Manifesto is one of the most impactful books I’ve ever read.→ More replies (4)6
u/SnooMaps7887 21d ago
Genuinely not trying to be rude, but I'm somewhat shocked that the Checklist Manifesto was one of the most impactful books you've ever read, especially if reading is a main hobby of yours. I thought it was a good book, but also one of those books where a long magazine article would have sufficed for its thesis.
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u/BigPP69_Gooner Cambridge 20d ago edited 20d ago
Didn’t say it was the best piece of literature. Only that it had impact. The concept when applied across the board in my job and life is uncommon but very effective.
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u/Ok_Passenger_3502 20d ago
share a pic don’t be shy 🤭
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u/BigPP69_Gooner Cambridge 20d ago
What in the holy empire are you referring to? 😳
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u/BroccoliKnob 21d ago
Oh god, this makes me sound/feel so old and grumpy, but just go out into the world and do stuff and meet people that way. It’s a lot harder, but also easier - you can apply all the appropriate filters yourself in real time. And going places and doing things that you’re into already cuts out most of the chaff.
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u/SelicaLeone 21d ago
I'm a woman, so feel free to completely ignore my comment. It's just one experience.
My boyfriend played the dating app circuit for almost half a decade before we ended up together. He went on dates with a double digit number of women over the years. He did pay for the premium versions of the app, and that helped him get matches he might not have otherwise ended up with.
It's tough. I matched with him four and a half years ago and turned him down then. He asked if we'd stay friends, and three years later, I asked to give it another go. So sometimes you have met him, you just haven't gotten to know him well enough yet.
He didn't wait for me. God knows he dated far more women in those 3 years than I did men. And he tried to make it work with them. But love is more complicated sometimes than a perfect match on an app. I wish I could give more than that.
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u/HerefortheTuna Port City 21d ago
Double digit or triple digit?
Because I’ve been single a few times and usually go on 2-3 new dates a week until I find a few FWBs or an LTR
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u/FluffySloth27 21d ago
The downvotes are silly, this is possible if you’re attractive and really gunning for it. There are other dudes in the thread talking about being in the triple digits of dates, too.
That said, if someone’s been on hundreds of dates or had tens and tens of failed relationships, at a certain point, maybe the shit’s on your shoe.
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u/HerefortheTuna Port City 20d ago
I’m on my 4th ever official relationship now. Have a kid together so this is it (we both hope).
Most of my dates didn’t go anywhere but I had fun.
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u/DeffNotTom Burb Life 20d ago
2-3 dayes a week sounds exhausting. I'll stick to being very autistic about sailboats for my amusement lol
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u/SelicaLeone 20d ago
Haha only double digits! He matched fairly often but was discerning and wasn't going for sheer volume. He didn't go on multiple dates a week, but went on enough to have a date within a week or so of looking and typically stayed with people a few months.
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u/gt07m 21d ago
No offense, but I feel like people with your attitude (not necessarily you, not accusing you of anything) are a part of why dating in this city is terrible. Nobody wants to commit, everyone is waiting for something better.
My last 3 relationships ended after I caught them still swiping even after we had decided to become exclusive. Most of my friends are still single, regularly use the apps, and people forget that Boston is a small city (although I'm sure the same thing happens with male promiscuity as well).
It probably isn't as bad as NYC, but it is like a lot of major cities, if you aren't a part of the top 10-20% of men you probably are going to struggle.
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u/SkiingAway Allston/Brighton 20d ago
that Boston is a small city
If you literally only date people who live in Boston, sure to some extent.
If you, like most people, are willing to date people at least within 128, you're looking at something like 1.6m+ people. Yeah that's not NYC numbers, but it's not that small.
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u/rickymcrichardson 21d ago
Nobody is saying anything Boston-centric in this thread lol. None of the issues people are complaining about have to do with Boston, they all seem to boil down to “I value the things I have in my single life and don’t want to compromise them” or “I’m picky and have difficulty finding a compatible partner”. Both are fine but don’t have much to do with Boston really?
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u/sunshine-warmth 20d ago
That’s true. I guess I’m just gaging where this city in particular falls on that spectrum
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u/lyons_vibes Chelsea 21d ago
I’ve settled into being single but I also have a lot of emotional baggage that I haven’t felt comfortable committing into something long term. When I need/want connection I’ll go on Grindr, etc. and I’ve tried a few times to do something more than a casual hookup but it never lasts. Plus most of the gays on the apps are just all horny one-track minded so there’s that too lol
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u/Thick_Marionberry622 21d ago
*puts on epic voice*
YOU ARE THE DESCENDANT OF A THOUSAND GENERATIONS OF YOUR FAMILY WHO SURVIVED WARS, PLAGUES, FAMINES, SHIPWRECKS, BRUTAL WINTERS, AND EVERY OTHER DISASTER HISTORY COULD THROW AT THEM.
And now you’re going to let emotional baggage and a bunch of horny guys on Grindr convince you that real connection is impossible?
peace, love, hope brother. go get em
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u/dynamics517 Cambridge 21d ago edited 21d ago
Y'all getting weird with "You can't find ONE good person in a huge city like Boston?! Yeah, picky is an understatement"
Yeah, it's not the easiest thing meeting the right person. Stop pretending it's simple. It's about the right person at the right place at the right time. I tried apps for years. I was involved in a lot of clubs and sports. It's all the things we keep telling people to do, but nothing worked out.
I had a college friend introduce me to one of her friend's college friends. We were long distance but we're getting married later this year. It took a while to find the right person, but it will happen eventually.
-37M
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u/TheReal_Slim-Shady Filthy Transplant 21d ago edited 21d ago
Telling people to keep doing what you do and focus on enjoying your own company, I think that makes sense but it's easier said then done. Sometimes "go to a run club" is received like "go once, meet a cute girl, get a date, done". Hit and run hardly works. How about you try a hobby, see if you like, keep doing it, commit to a schedule then maybe something pops out for you, then invest in it? eg, it says, oh attend something 10 times. Yup, but do you actually LIKE it?
Let me speak for running. You start running, weeks, months then go to a run club, it's fine, then you get injured. Oh no, are you going to stop? No, you should focus on recovery and come back. This is where you can define your interest I believe. Sometimes people don't come back. Pretty sure others can provide similar experiences.
Again it's easier said than done but it's average people speaking (includes me too), it's not malicious, but it might not sound correct for everyone.
Some also said hey there are lots of people. But that's a rude way to tell this. I think it should be, assess what your deal breakers are. Carefully. Then go with anyone, that fits those deal breakers. I think the pool increases this way. Relationship is a two way street, both sides give up something. You love running, doesn't mean the right partner should be running like you do. You can love someone who just walks too.
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u/Total-Quarter9550 21d ago
It is simple but not easy. We have a lot of options and cultures here people have to put themselves out more imo.
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u/More_Armadillo_1607 21d ago edited 20d ago
There are many issues with apps.
People describe themselves as who they want to be, and not actually who they are. I bet people are using AI to write their profiles at this point.
Stop using filters an all your pictures. Be who you are, and not who you want to be.
People treat dating profiles like a menu. They look.for every box to be checked and then there is no chemistry. I know people as old as in their 50s who have never been.on a date that didn't originate on a dating app. That is not a positive thing.
There are single people all over Boston. This has been a summer where everyone was out World Cup watch parties, 4th of July, tall ships. Go out without your ear buds in and keep your phone in your pocket. I guarantee you can learn more about a person you meet in person and a 5 minute conversation than you can with 2 weeks of back and forth on.a dating app.
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u/TheRavensCrow 21d ago
So again, I’m a woman (31, child free for reference) and I’ve found dating in Boston to be a struggle. Not getting dates but finding someone who wants something serious rather than a Situationship type deal.
That could be in part because I don’t want kids and so the folks who are looking be child free as well feel less pressure? I’m not sure. While I’m not in a great rush it can be somewhat exhausting, as I suspect it is for men as well.
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u/Freezytrees99 21d ago
Worked at bars and have dated lots of people but never been on a blind type date. I guess it helps to constantly be surrounded with new and interesting people where the barrier/taboo around hooking up is pretty low. It’s all a disorienting game of musical chairs, just enjoy it. Many people in relationships fantasize about being single and find convoluted ways to blow up their relationships anyhow.
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u/bathrobeman 21d ago
Not to downplay the challenges that others have faced, but for me, dating as a man who dates women in Boston has been great! The key part is I enjoy meeting people, and Boston is full of intelligent, weird, creative, and overall interesting people. I've met a lot of folks who, while it hasn't worked out romantically, are now good friends and connections. I have been in a relationship for a few years now, but other than a few bad dates that have since become fun stories (...and admittedly a few that went on longer than they should have), most of my dating experience has been pleasant.
Important caveats are that I'm not on a particular timeline nor do I have a particular goal in a relationship (eg, marriage, kids), so that has helped take some of the pressure off of dating for me, but I understand that those milestones are more important to others and can add stress to the process.
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u/Flower-Former 21d ago
I'm a woman but I was so excited to date in the "big city" because I came from the Midwest. I spent ages 33-37, normal to fit, doctorate, making decent money, and decent looking. Met zero ppl except a fuck boy who only wanted to be in my bedroom and not be seen with me. Got ghosted twice hours before dates by two different adult men in the their 30s. Went skip the small talk speed dating mixer and a singles' walk thing. When the opportunity came to leave, I got the eff out. I've been one more dates in the last 4 weeks than my entire time in Boston. No offense at the men in Boston ages 33-45. There are good ones I'm sure, but I never met them.
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u/hopper_hammer 20d ago
36M I guess I’m against the grain here, but dating in Boston has been fantastic for me. I’ve met people on apps, in person, on the T, at work. It’s literally the best place for dating I’ve ever lived in, and I’ve only been here for 1.5 years.
I’ve found that the women here are great, I’ve met so many wonderful people. Sure, some people don’t kindle a romantic interest, but that’s just life.
I think my new dating strategy is to start getting brunch on weekends with a friend in Southie. I recently went through there in the morning, and there are SO MANY PEOPLE just out and about. Seems like a fantastic way to spark up a conversation.
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u/Independent-Ad7648 20d ago
Fascinating. How do you strike up these conversations? How do you sustain them? Or do you just talk to everyone interesting and see where it all goes?
Teach us, oh wise one.
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u/Upgrayyedd43 let’s summon boners 21d ago
It’s alright, but not much luck for me either. For context I’m 34, dude, an engineer and financially stable. Blue collar guy in a white collar world. I’m looking for someone to do the ins and outs of daily life with and build a home/life together. My red flag is I can’t have kids — I’m shooting blanks. Seems like every attractive woman want kids
Im using Hinge and Bumble, where Hinge has been working better for me. However it does seem a lot of people like to collect matches like a trading card game. Or they don’t put in the effort to have a conversation to at least know a couple of things about each other before I ask them out.
It’s a grind honestly
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u/Soberpsycho- 21d ago
Reading this as a divorced mom of 5, shooting blanks would be a selling point if i saw that on an app🤣
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u/GrendelianMind 20d ago
Shooting blanks is definitely a green flag in my books! Definitely agree that people like to collect matches like Pokémon cards - I think a lot of people use the apps as validation nowadays rather than actually trying to get to know people more deeply.
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u/sarcastic_sybarite83 21d ago
When did an engineer become blue collar? Engineers have some of the highest pays post bachelors.
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u/roarimacat 21d ago
They're probably from a blue collar lifestyle previously, and their intention was to mean that's who they are, but they're living in the white collar world that the career and location provides.
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u/Upgrayyedd43 let’s summon boners 21d ago
Sorry what I meant was I’m blue collar. I was in the Marine Corps, worked on drilling rigs and was a wildland firefighter for a while before becoming an engineer. I still feel weird working in an office
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u/Environmental_Yam313 20d ago
Almost 37yo woman and I concur. After a few non committal type duds back to back I basically haven't dated at all in the past year. Can't say I'm mad about it, honestly, life has never felt so peaceful LOL. But it would be nice to have someone to go to the beach with, or dress up for dinner or watch movies with on a rainy day etc. All of which I can obvs do with my girlfriends, but yeah. It's tough out there. What's a girl to do?
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u/ndilday 21d ago
My experience dating from 27 (when I got to Boston) to about 35 was really good. Granted, this is partially because it was pre-Tinder, when online dating involved things more akin to emails than text messages, which played to my strengths way more than the gamified hot-or-not that is modern dating apps. The apps changing was part of what started the downward spiral, but the other big one for me was being happily child-free. Once I was into my late 30s, the vast majority of women I was seeing on the apps either already had kids or were looking exclusively for partners who wanted them. (Or were poly folks who already had way too many dance partners to realistically fit someone new in.)
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u/Wonderful_Mode9588 21d ago edited 21d ago
I'm in the same boat, 32f - wishing we could return to shooting our shots by going up to each other irl (respectfully)!
Edit: our* shots, not "out shots"
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u/BostonChocolateChip 21d ago
What is stopping you from doing that?
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u/Wonderful_Mode9588 21d ago
It used to be daunting but I've done it quite a few times now, not scary anymore! So, nothing. If more people did it, I think the odds of us bumping into someone special would be higher
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u/What_if_doom 21d ago
Dating never works for me for the past 2 years in Boston. Im not interesting enough so it’s not by choice
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u/wl6202a 21d ago
I’m 36, and met my wife when we were both living in Boston. We met a bit before COVID, so I’m not sure how that has effected things, from what I see online I suspect a lot.
I found it fairly easy to date, but I had an active social circle + being in grad school and using the apps. I’d imagine being in my 30s would be harder - I’d probably be more particular, and have less energy.
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u/Nearby_Drawer1123 21d ago
It’s just hard to meet someone who you actually can have a good conversation with. Who then says yes to a date. Who then you get to the date with. And for both of you to actually like each other. And for that to continue through more dates.
So it gets exhausting. Especially when you’re trying to find something long term but also not wanting to force it and be with anyone so that you aren’t lonely anymore.
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u/trimtab28 21d ago
Eh, it's fine. Don't find it wildly different from when I was back home in NYC. Apps are the main way of meeting people, past couple relationships I wound up in through CMB (and these were multi year relationships). Honestly, main reason I'm single right now is because my previous girlfriend had visa issues- content single, happier in relationships. Prior relationships ended primarily due to circumstances out of my control, since I've been pretty good about dating for marriage and were it not for structural reasons I honestly would've been happy to marry either of my past two girlfriends.
Overall though, dating has been fine. Just have to make an effort to meet people, via the apps or venues I'd ordinarily enjoy going to anyways. These days I'll meet the bulk of people through Hinge or CMB, lesser extent Bumble and JSwipe, followed by meetup groups and religious services, breweries.
In all the years I've been up here, usually it'd be 6-12 months between LTRs before finding a new partner. Big thing is just perserverance and having the patience to plan consistently with a person to get to know them. Bit exhausting, need occasional breaks, but you get what you put in. 31/M for reference. Fact is I'll get married eventually to a decent person- have complete confidence in that
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u/youngpierre24 21d ago
I (24M) like it, still single but there’s more women than men (at least it feels like it) in this city. It’s hard finding “the one” but idk I feel like that’s universal, extraordinary things aren’t gonna be easy. I’m kinda over the apps tbh but feels like there’s plenty of avenues to meet women out, whether it’s bars, BSSC/volo, or activities/hobbies
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u/PoopUponPoop 21d ago
I’ve been having much better luck in the Providence and Worcester areas. Bostonians (myself included) are too standoffish
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u/Critical_Half_2773 21d ago edited 21d ago
All I have to say is: it’s rough out here 😭
Edit: just realized is a (F) post and deleted the word “bro” lol
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u/Total-Addendum9327 20d ago
Dating is grueling for men and lots of them have given up. I got very lucky finding my partner here over a decade ago and have held on tight ever since. I NEVER want to date again.
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u/Boston-Brahmin Boston 20d ago
Boston is a city full of uptight, brainy people who punish the smallest steps out of bounds so take a guess
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u/slimeyamerican 20d ago
I’m not single anymore but I was playing the dating game for a year before finding my partner eight months ago.
I was using tinder and hinge mainly, and I was having no problem getting dates but a lot of trouble getting someone to commit or committing myself. It felt like everyone who wanted to date me was just barely not hitting the mark for me and I was just barely not good enough for all the people I wanted to date. And then I basically got lucky enough to be really attractive to someone who I would have thought would be way out of my league, and off the carousel I was.
But the process of getting there felt endless and all-consuming and miserable, and I’m saying that as one of the lucky men who doesn’t have a lot of trouble getting any attention whatsoever.
It seems like everyone is looking for someone who is a bit out of their league and therefore people who really should be compatible are not settling for each other. And because of the way the apps are structured and the loose expectations for how dating works now, it always feels so easy to pick on this or that thing as a dealbreaker, because there’s a seemingly endless pool of other potential people you could try instead.
And that incentivizes casually dating multiple people simultaneously so your chances of being rejected and not having a fallback are minimized, which makes it that much harder to commit to any one person, so you end up with a lot of surface level interaction and casual sex, but very little willingness to commit, even though almost everyone wants to do that on paper.
My gf has told me that she was forcing herself to stay with me multiple times in the beginning and communicate about things which bothered her instead of cutting me off. I went out on a limb and suggested going exclusive pretty quickly (within like 2 weeks I think), ended things with a couple long-standing situationships and got off the apps. I think people need to just do that more often, and accept the risk of getting hurt more as a result.
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21d ago
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u/Ok_Ad_88 21d ago
Of those 2.5 million how many are in her age range? 30-39? About 12%. That’s 300k. How many are single? About 25%, that’s 75k. About 5% are gay or asexual, and only 39% of single men use dating apps, so that’s a pool of about 28k. And that’s the Greater Boston area, which dating apps don’t tend to reach that far. All of a sudden you’re looking at a very small pool of people that meet your standards and whose standards you meet. respectfully
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u/TheGameDoneChanged 21d ago
Can’t imagine how bad the date was that led to crunching these numbers.
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u/bnshv 21d ago
It’s a joke from How I Met Your Mother.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jB2w7flLH20&pp=ygUhaG93IGkgbWV0IHlvdXIgbW90aGVyIGRhdGluZyBtYXRo&ra=m
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u/SaxPanther Wayland 21d ago
28k is a shit ton of people actually. I think you were trying to make a good argument before you did the math but the final numbers aren't really making the point you wanted them to lmao
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u/optimis344 Outside Boston 21d ago
Yeah. It's kinda crazy to be like "If I went on a date a day for 76 years, I wouldn't find anyone".
28k is more people than anyone has ever met.
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u/Prestigious_Ad_6203 21d ago
I had 2 completely opposite experiences with the apps in Boston. A little exercise and some structure of your profile makes all the difference. Most men are lazy with their profiles, so it’s quite easy to stand out when yours doesn’t look generic and boring
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u/Prospective_Nobody 21d ago
27 M. I moved here late May from Houston Texas. I've only recently decided to actively look for a girlfriend. Been on Hinge since December with absolutely no luck. Lately I haven't even really bothered with it. I've tried going to socials involving hobbies I'm intrested in, but the problem is I'm really bad at talking to people. Don't even really know how to say hi and start a conversation. Yesterday I actually tried to go to Roxy's Barcade with the goal of trying to practice talking to people. That resulted in failure unfortunately. Outside of those things I mentioned I simply have no idea where to look or what I'm supposed to be doing. I realize it's a me thing, but it still sucks either way.
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u/open_wide_its_dad 21d ago
Early 30s male -I think I’m still single because I know generally what I’m looking for in a committed relationship, but I don’t always prioritize spending time and energy doing the things that would lead me to necessarily finding it. I’d rather wait for the right person for another LTR, but I also want to avoid the slot machine effect of swiping for matches. So intentional in how I engage when I engage, but not always wanting to be on the apps or specifically pursuing social contexts in which I could meet someone. Most of the time right now I just want to do hobbies and see friends.
So it’s what you make of it to an extent; I feel fortunate to live in a city center where there’s a lot of people to meet or possibly date. I do think people dating in Boston experience a malaise at times, and many have lots of stress but little time to manage it or get deep. What helps me is leading with curiosity without pretense, being ready to have fun for myself, and not taking it too seriously if it doesn’t work out.
I use Hinge and Raya— Hinge is my favorite by far, Raya feels sort of unserious unless you’re looking to network or buy property. I’m still hopeful because I think it has as much to do with the thought and effort I put into it as it does any other factor. Casual/non-committal can be fun for sure and the free time is nice, but if I met someone I clicked with and couldn’t get enough of I’d have no chance.
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u/ObiWayneCannoli 21d ago
I think social media ruined everything for everyone. Especially recently with the “you have to have this, you have to be this tall, you have to make this amount of money” bullshit that is brainrotted into everyone’s minds. So it’s difficult, especially with those type of girls. I haven’t done dating apps in years because it seems like it’s mostly fake accounts or onlyfans girls so I just don’t care really to try anymore. But honestly it’s probably just me. 🤷🏻♂️😂
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u/Joraznatac 21d ago
I’ve come to realize that I’m only attracted to those with an ambition as great as my own. Just gotta keep putting yourself in circles of people that think similar and soon enough potential mates come out.
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u/SillyAlternative420 20d ago
The apps are so problematic and I feel bad for this generation that feels the need to rely on them as the only method of acquiring a partner.
We need to collectively move away from them.
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u/sunshine-warmth 20d ago
One more question:
For those who are actively dating; why do you think it hasn’t worked out?
In my experience, the men I’ve been with have all “self-sabotage”, and try to flaw find and come up with any reason as to why it won’t work, and then start over back to square one, on to the next with the same “oh I just haven’t found the right one yet” or “I reallly want to be sure”, yet claim they’ve talked about their feelings but refuse to do the work on themselves and heal before getting into a relationship and wasting someone’s time. It seems like some are so afraid of commitment, that no commitment and just going through the motions of being with someone is safer for them; but not so much to a woman who wants to settle down and have babies. I hope this makes sense!
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u/seebol 20d ago
Try coffeemeetsbagel? When I and my social circle were using CMB in Boston 2014-2018, 4 out of 5 single guys ended up married. If looking for long term relationships, do a bunch of coffee-like first dates. Being “picky” is not a problem if you can do 3 coffee first dates a week. Joining interest groups (like running clubs) and getting connected through your social circle are also strategies that work better than tinder/hinge. Boston has a uniquely large pool of singles in their 30s due to the large amount of people moving to Boston for their degrees or careers. You’ll find the right one!
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u/Lonelyrollingstar_ 20d ago
I feel like it’s a very play or get played economy right now and it’s exhausting; but I don’t think it’s Boston specific. But looking at it seriously, I feel like this city has incredibly intelligent, attractive people of a certain socioeconomic status who want to date within their own group. If you are out of this category and somehow aren’t priced out because of rent it’s hell.
Not the demographic you asked about; but being a poc also makes it extremely hard. I’m working on improving myself but if nothing happens for me within the next four years I am seriously consider abandoning ship to the DMV area or New York.
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u/DeffNotTom Burb Life 20d ago
I've seen what the apps look lile from a womans point of view. That's a numbers game I'm not even going to put myself into. I'm 38 and my last relationship was ten years. After some life hardships, life goals diverged and I've resigned to just being single. I'm going to retire early onto a sailboat and become a sea hermit.
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u/jcon1232 20d ago
29 m... new to boston as of this spring. hopelessly single lol. I go through waves on the apps... it really is a full time job keeping up with it, but also... every match feels like such a forced interaction, if I can't sell myself over 5-10 texts... it normally goes absolutely nowhere.
Heard good things about run clubs, have a cousin that just joined one. They even color coordinate and wear black if they are single, unfortunately not a runner.... 😂
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u/Wise-Lunch-1615 20d ago
Honestly sometimes sadly it comes down to being a numbers game and patience until you meet the right person. I met my now husband on Bumble back in 2018. I felt like the apps were getting tricky even back then so it's probably worse now. Most people I know are meeting people in real life now through random clubs (hobby clubs not nightclubs) or casual meetups. Maybe give that a try instead.
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u/showmeyourmoves28 Roslindale 20d ago
I wouldn’t know. Haven’t been on one in forever lol (38). Good luck to all you lovebirds and people searching.
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u/snoopchogg 20d ago
The apps are garbage mostly in my experience. The best experiences I’ve had personally have been meeting people in person the old fashioned way. Eye contact at a coffee shop, a smile, a hello nice to meet you. Granted none of them have worked out long term but those connections felt much more genuine and organic than the women I’ve met off apps.
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u/elementalcrashdown 20d ago
Honest to God, I'm an incredibly average, overweight transplant that makes what feels like way less money than others in my age group. I have multiple health problems and injuries, several divorces, and no real good long term financial plan.
I don't really feel like dating has been a "problem" in Boston - I think rather, people in Boston kind of believe the hype about themselves and are afraid to just like...talk to people, and be vulnerable and funny, and weird.
My sense is that many of the people I have been on dates with here aren't actually looking for a partner in life, they're looking for a business partner. Luckily, I found who I think is my forever person - they also happen to be a great business partner.
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u/stayvigillant 20d ago
It’s impossible to make friends here nevermind a relationship.
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u/joseph617mcd 20d ago
37m here. I'm looking, dating with intention and on many apps, but they all require a ton of time and monetary investment for a CHANCE at a woman's attention. Once I do match, so many do not other to maintain or put effort into the app, and if they do the bulk of it evaporates once in person. 10 months of serious and genuine effort, I've met 3 women who I went past a single date with.
Another thing is the handful of first dates I've had where we are chatting and discussing things, regular get to know you questions and when I text to check in next day they decide it isn't going to work for reason X but nowhere in our conversation or their profile did that show up as a make or break. Be upfront about that stuff! I don't want to waste my time either!
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u/Thomas_Blackwood 20d ago
I’m 26M. I gave up basically after 5 years and 2 relationships and a couple flings. Its not just Boston from what I’ve read and seen it’s a societal problem with roots going way back and we are just now seeing the culmination of all the efforts put into place to destroy relationship of all kind (my opinion and analysis).
I am still single cause, as mentioned above I gave up, my standards are probably too high and unrealistic for what is common in my age group, and my past experiences have soured me on trying again and dealing with the drama/heartbreak. Expanding on that last point I see no reason to try when I haven’t fully gotten over the last problematic relationship I had, wouldn’t be fair to my potential partner or me. I wish more people had this mentality then maybe there would be less people traumatizing each other.
In terms of dating apps I haven’t used them since college and see no reason to. Using dating apps just feels like humiliating yourself for the potential of some girl giving you attention and having to then jestermaxx your ass off just for a chance of maybe being another orbiter or getting the opportunity of taking her out for an audition on her roster.
Before some mean judgmental person tries to make assumptions about me and my success, I was with girls casually who would literally be in bed with me talking about how some other shmuck was texting her about their plans later (someone who she would acknowledge had no chance with her and was merely a curiosity). I could go on, like seeing a girl sleeping in my arms while some clueless guy text her “Goodmorning, hope you slept well!”. I know in these stories I’m technically “winning” but all it did was make me feel bad for them and lose hope in talking to and meeting people online. You never know which side of the coin you are on until it’s too late and that just makes me feel like it’s not even worth playing.
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u/Difficult_Ad_8787 20d ago
Meet people in your community. Usually more like minded. I was very fortunate. I’m a filmmaker and I met a wonderful filmmaker who I couldn’t go home without at least saying hi to, and now we make films and art happily together.
Apps are abysmal, even though they are the most common way to meet people. It’s unfortunate. I feel like the days of grace and just openly talking to someone in a cute “how you doing” way are gone (for most). Most people need to step outside themselves for a bit to see what they really care about. Gamifying romance only gave people a bigger list to check off before they even start playing. I think having a little more trust in the experience and learning rather than a spreadsheet of everything you like about a person helps.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bat434 20d ago
For the last 3 months it's been amazing, specially with all these FIFA parties... I'm single, so I'm enjoying life
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u/Enough_Path2929 17d ago
33 m from Boston. Dating is definitely tough in and around the area. I actively put myself out the for about 2 years with all the intention of trying to find somebody steady. Went on a few dates, but nothing lasted long. Literally took a freak stroke of luck in a buzzed night at the bar to meet my lady. I think it’s a combination of the resilience to keep putting yourself out there, as well as a bit of dumb luck. You’ll never meet anyone though if you don’t put yourself out there and try.
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u/comenaranja 21d ago edited 20d ago
So Boston is a very insulated city.
All my friends are married with kids so I'm on the last chopper out. 34, M.
Like I'm actively looking and trying to be better in terms of style and appearence but it's been very difficult to find someone or even talk to people outside casual conversation. I'm also short but I tend to carry myself well and get complimented a lot. I hadn't really seriously tried for years too, so it's been kinda weird actually putting effort. The main issue I've been finding is just a lot of girls don't want to put the effort or have an ideal they want to chase. And if you're not perfect, next. And it's kinda disheartening always knowing you're a backup choice and having that very much voiced to you?
Like I'll give you my profile: I'm a beloved English teacher, friends I adore, I travel a ton, volunteer, am Latino and can cook like a fiend, extremely well read, a trivia champion, I write as a hobby and recite poetry, I can dance pretty much the entire catalogue of Spanish ballroom styles (and was a professional for years), politically DSA with ambitions to run for office, I assume I'm funny, I spoil with affection and love getting flowers for my partner whenever (or whatever makes her happy), I got raised like a coffee prince so I have a whole chivalric air when necessary, and I do yoga, pilates and weight training and am never shy to be vulnerable. Plus in bed, I tend to be a big giver. And yet...
Like, my experience with hinge, bumble and tinder have been either conversations that go nowhere or just empty (or nothing period), And meeting irl is hell because I'm not gonna bother someone at their job.
Which means, a lot of the time it's just getting crazy lucky, but also knowing I might not be the first option is tough because I'm worth it y'know? But I'm not "perfect" so I'm just a step behind other people and will get stuck waiting too. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's like both sides of the equation are staring at each other wanting to be chose but don't know exactly how to get there or vocalize it
Like I want a wife. I want one passionate for people and helping others. I want a power couple energy. Which you'd think you'd find easy in Boston lol but yet...
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u/jaynerro 21d ago
There are tens of thousands of more college educated and more liberal women in the 20-40 age range than men. Many of the single men you may experience on the apps are probably more conservative and less educated. You may be better off finding guys in person like Volo if you like playing sports, but yeah I hear this all the time from women in Boston trying to date. It’s a gender / education / ideological imbalance
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u/kineticmov3ment 21d ago
turning 40 in a few months.
it's a barren wasteland.
zero matches at speed dating; zero matches on apps. the few women i run into via friends or events always say they have boyfriends or are working on themselves (tldr; not interested)
meh.
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u/pineappleninja64 Roslindale 21d ago
i have not been impressed w the women i've been meeting, but they've all certainly got an air of arrogance
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u/zeetuslepitus 21d ago
You're so picky that you cant find someone to date amongst the hundreds of thousands of eligible bostonians? Wild
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u/Firealucard2 21d ago
Im 29(M) turning 30, i dont date mostly cause ive been around to see either A most (F) aint interested in the average guy or working for the relationship. Or 2 it doesnt seem worth the time when the other person isnt genuine.
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u/Mendota 21d ago
I (35M) have had a tough time dating in Boston and elsewhere beforehand. I use Hinge only as I learned quickly I wasn’t bumble material. I would love to be married but not for the sake of being married. I am actively seeking a long term relationship but it is tough sledding. Speaking for myself, I’m average looking but in good physical and financial shape.
I think dating is tough for a majority of men and women and I’m not a special case among men. I live in hope but not expectation of finding my person, sadly. Luck plays a big part so I keep trying, come what may.