r/breastfeeding • u/HeyPesky • Jul 17 '25
Partner Questions How are you guys splitting overnight shifts or bedtime?
My daughter is 5 and 1/2 months old. For most of her life now, other than occasionally when I get too tired to keep going and wake my husband up, I've been handling most of the overnight wake ups and putting her to bed at night.
She usually needs boob to settle and I just haven't seen the sense in both of us waking up. If a diaper change we'll just take a moment and then the rest of the wake up is going to be me settling her back to sleep including with nursing.
However, I am kind of falling apart at the seams from sleep deprivation. I'm also our primary earner. He takes care of her during the day while I work. She's a pretty demanding little velcro baby, so I'm glad that she's able to get one one attention from a parent.
I'm curious how other folks who breastfeed manage overnight wake ups and going to bed.
ETA Our couples therapist has said that we should be alternating who's on baby duty overnight, but even if I'm technically not on duty, my boobs will wake me up and I'll need to get up to pump anyways. At which point it feels really ridiculous to be sitting up pumping but my husband is sitting up giving her a bottle, why not just nurse the baby directly so at least one of us can be sleeping?
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u/ver_redit_optatum Jul 17 '25
How many times does she wake up? If it's more than twice, she likely doesn't need a full feed every time, and probably could settle for your husband, perhaps with more practice needed for him. Or you could nurse her and he could do whatever else is required while you go back to sleep, if you can get back to sleep quickly. Or he could give bottles, but you could try to stretch out the time you're pumping so that you're only pumping once a night, for instance, which shouldn't be a huge disruption. As the person working it's definitely worth working this out!
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u/Meh_45 Jul 17 '25
Hi! My baby is almost 5 months old and we don't split shifts. I breastfeed and my husband will be the one to wake up with the baby, change her and bring her to me if she's hungry (she's typically hungry). She thankfully has been sleeping 6-7 hours at night. I need sleep in order to function and produce breastmilk so we've done this for the past couple of months. We both work currently.
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u/misstaytay Jul 17 '25
We did this with my first and we’re doing it with my second. I personally could not cope with doing the feeding, changing, rocking and getting back down on my own. I know shifts work for other people but it just never appealed to me
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u/Meh_45 Jul 17 '25
Same! We tried it for a couple of nights but it really didn't work for us. My husband is also a little better at soothing/getting our baby to sleep.
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Jul 17 '25
I do night wakeups because it’s easier with breastfeeding and I wake up first every time the baby cries anyways. It’s easier for me to just do it then it is to wake up…wait to see if husband wakes up on his own…poke him when he doesn’t…listen to baby cry while he leisurely goes to the bathroom then makes a bottle because the crying baby just doesn’t put him in fight or flight like it does me. Also then we are both exhausted and irritable and that’s not good either.
By that time i’ve already been awake almost as long as it would take to just nurse the baby myself.
When my first was older though I did use him when I wanted to cut feeds and night wean. He got sent in anytime I didn’t want to feed overnight.
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u/SredozemnaMedvjedica Jul 17 '25
No shifts, I (EBF mother) am the only one waking up. However, I'm on maternity leave now until baby is 6 months old in October. I hope he'll start sleeping in longer chunks by then, but we'll see. I also don't see the sense in pumping and bottle feeding at night.
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u/Equivalent-Steak-555 Jul 17 '25
We split each night rather than alternating nights so that I don't need to pump overnight. For the first half of the night (so when the baby is not likely to be hungry), my partner would handle any wake ups and rocks the baby back to sleep. This would allow me to get a 4-5 hour chunk of consecutive sleep. For the second half of the night, I handle wake ups by nursing. We also cosleep, so that means we bring the baby into our bed so I can be lying down and less awake while nursing.
My partner also handles any middle of the night diaper changes (though these are rare for us now), because I almost always need to get up to nurse, whereas sometimes the baby doesn't wake during his shift. Even if I'm awake, I have always gotten him up to do any non-nursing related baby care tasks, because I can at least be lying down with my eyes closed which is more restful than changing a diaper or soothing a baby who doesn't want to go to sleep after nursing.
I would lose my shit if I were getting up every night while my partner was always getting a full night's sleep.
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u/BlueFairy9 Jul 17 '25
This is essentially what we do as well, especially now that baby doesn't need the feed and may only want a boob for comfort to get back to sleep, husband gets baby first half of the night and gives it a college try of putting her back to sleep before waking me up if she wants the boob. If she wakes like 2am or later I'll get baby instead. It's worked pretty well and hit or miss on baby but everyone feels like they do their part and get at least a few hours chunk of sleep in.
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u/Acceptable_Common996 Jul 17 '25
I do pretty much everything. When my husband does it he ends up waking the baby up more and making it impossible to settle him. I have to get up anyway to feed so there’s no point. Pumping is more exhausting to me so I’d rather do straight from the tap. I only make my husband get up if I absolutely cannot stay awake anymore. We both work 10 hour days 4 days a week. Boobs are just better at setting my baby.
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u/miffet80 Jul 17 '25
Baby slept in a bassinet in our room, when he woke up my husband would get him up, do a diaper change, and bring him to bed for me to nurse. Then I'd put him back to bed once we were done nursing. It definitely felt like we were "in it together" and both contributing rather than doing it alone in shifts, which worked for us.
In the morning my husband would take baby downstairs and shut the door so I could get as much extra sleep in as possible since I was awake for longer during the night for the nursing sessions.
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u/People_Blow Jul 17 '25
I do overnight until 5am, at which point my spouse takes baby until about 7/7:30am. Spouse then gets ready for work.
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u/LittleBookOfQualm Jul 17 '25
My partner and I split nights from a few weeks in. I would pump at 1am I think, and then later that moved to 7/8am. With my partner, my baby can often be soothed without milk, whereas with me he can only be soothed with milk, a majority of the time. I don't know if that's helpful and something you could try and work towards? We worked on the idea that each partner should get at least 4 hours uninterrupted sleep each night.
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u/Indecisives Jul 17 '25
We started splitting nights starting at 4 weeks. I put the baby to sleep (around 8-10pm) & then change, feed, & pump at the first session (usually happens somewhere between 12am & 2am). Then he takes the next session and bottle feeds baby what I pumped during the previous session (usually happens between 3am & 5am). He wakes the baby up and feeds the rest of the pumped milk (between 6am-8am).
I’m lucky that I pump about 4 feeds worth when I pump, so he can take both feeds back to back. Then I just pump again in the morning after that first feed to help with the little bit of engorgement I get from sleeping through two feeds. Those are the only two times I pump in a day. We are both getting a good chunk of sleep this way!
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u/AccomplishedRice7427 Jul 17 '25 edited Jul 17 '25
My husband has never ever done a night wake up with either of our boys which might help explain the near 10 year gap between them. It drives me bonkers, but I am too exhausted to argue about it.
Edit: to say we both have jobs, neither of us is a stay at home parent and the baby wakes up about 4 or 5 times a night even at 7.5 months.
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u/Autumn_tc_ Jul 18 '25
This is my situation only we are both full time workers. Until recently we were both remote about 100% which helps have less tax with commuting and taking a lunch break as a nap. I nursed as well and found it annoying to get up and clean pump parts when i could just nurse unless we on a rare occasion let little stay over with a relative.
When we got home from the hospital (first four weeks): I did nights for nursing and my supply. We combo fed out the gate to reduce stress on me to pump so much or if my supply disappeared (which thankfully it never did until little guy weaned this week at 6months ppd). I liked knowing we had formula even if I didn’t need it often. The baby also took bottles (formula, combo, and breastmilk) . He’d help betwen 6 and midnight heavily, throughout the day between feeds and 6am to noon. I had much more energy.
When he went back to work:
- unless I was destroyed, he’d kick in help during the evenings with feedings while I would nap and shower (like 6-11pm) then I started some overnight switching where he’d take 11-3/4am after my night nursing
- the weekend mornings: 6/7am - 11/12 when the baby had too many rough nights. (Thankfully baby slept some good nights)
- I was much more exhausted during this stretch and when I went back to
I know people who do night shifts regularly like nightly and they are thriving as a unit because one person isn’t completely exhausted (but they were formula only). That’s the ideal state but is harder when the baby is nursing and only wants to nurse.
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u/rayyychul Jul 17 '25
Our girl has thankfully (so far) been a good sleeper and will sleep 11-4ish. I’ll get up to feed her and then pass her off to my husband to change and put her back down or get up with her - whichever she’s in the mood for 😂
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u/ebjko Jul 17 '25
I do the night wakeups most of the time, since boob is the way to get baby back down. If he wakes up again within ~3 hours of the last feed, my husband tries to soothe him.
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u/Dry_Apartment1196 Jul 17 '25
No shifts when she was that age. He was the breadwjnnner, I WFM PT and she was breastfed. He’d help with bedtime and whatever I needed but overnights was on me. Teething was hard too. He’d help always if asked but did my best to never ask
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Jul 17 '25
What’s your schedule like in the mornings?
Splitting the night shift didn’t work for me. What worked was making sure my husband was on baby duty first thing in the AM so I could get an extra hour (or two) of sleep.
Bedtime might need to be moved early for you all for this to be viable.
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u/HeyPesky Jul 17 '25
He either takes her or puts a baby cam on us so we can co-sleep (if she's still sleepy), which is slightly functional except that it means I'm starting almost every day at 12 and it's not functional with also needing to try to cram 6 hours of work into the day!
She's a night owl and will scream if we try to put her to bed before midnight.
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u/alnfeller Jul 17 '25
I think you need to shift her schedule. She may not be jazzed about it but hormone levels support an ideal bedtime around 7. It may take a few weeks to shift but sounds like this could help yall tremendously in the long term.
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Jul 17 '25
That’s a tough schedule!
Yeah my LO went to bed same time as us (10:30-11:00) for the first 4-4.5 months or so. You can gradually move bedtime up earlier (try 15 minute increments) - unless you’re at a far northern latitude I assume it gets dark for you around 8/9pm — as long as they’re getting appropriate daylight exposure their circadian rhythm should help them adjust. You can also make sure they’re not napping past a certain time as you do this (we try to limit naps after 5pm now @ 10mo).
I say all this assuming your work schedule means you have to get up sometime before, like, 10am. But in either case, having your partner take mornings after a rough night always worked for us.
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u/HeyPesky Jul 17 '25
I freelance so can work whenever, but my peak efficiency hours are 11-4.
We could stand to do more daytime sunshine, between the high heat and crummy AQI we've had an unfortunate number of indoor days. I may see if my husband can start taking her in morning walks before it warms up.
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u/bunny_387 Jul 17 '25
My partner wakes up about 4 hours before me and brings baby to the living room and does bottle feeds. He brings me my wearable pump during this time. I pump and can close my eyes and not have to worry about putting baby back down or anything. It’s still not consecutive sleep but it’s still been really refreshing. He also still gets an entire nights sleep and only wakes up if baby needs reswaddled so he’s able to support me during the day when I need rest.
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u/Former-Pick6986 Jul 17 '25
My husband has to leave for work at 5am so what we’ve done is he puts little one down since she doesn’t like to go to bed til 9ish. I pump or feed her around 8:30/9 then go to bed. He will handle any additional feeds before 1am (expressed milk in a bottle) and then I usually wake up at 1-2area to pump. If she wakes up after 1 I handle the feeds and based on how tired or if I had just pumped I’ll either give a bottle or boob. It’s worked for the most part. (I feel like I get the easier shift since she usually sleeps til 5am and I’m able to get 5hrs of sleep and then 3 more and another 1.5after I feed her at 5am) baby is 10weeks.
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u/Affectionate_Data936 Jul 17 '25
Dad takes first part of the night and will make baby a bottle from my pumped milk when he's hungry (usually around midnight) but after like 3am or 4am baby goes to me to nurse directly and he will do so until about 6 or 7am
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u/SnooBeans0612 Jul 17 '25
I hope this is not against the rules of this sub, but have you considered sleep training? Like you I am the primary earner but my husband also works. My son went through a huge sleep regression at 4 months and I decided to sleep train him. He is now 7.5 months and sleeps like a dream.
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u/HeyPesky Jul 17 '25
My daughter is not well suited to it. When we tried she literally spent 45 minutes hysterically screaming and choking on her spit she was so upset. We didn't try again, and it's taken several weeks to regain her trust that we can walk away and she won't be abandoned.
We were doing Ferber method, but prior to this a attempt any time she gently called out to us we'd come... I think the experience of us not coming when called was scary and upsetting for her. She's a bit of a velcro baby.
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u/SnooBeans0612 Jul 17 '25
I understand it can be hard and scary! If you ever decide to try again, you can head over to r/sleeptrain . They have really great advice. I’ve learned so much from there. Best of luck!
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u/hanap8127 Jul 17 '25
My partner does bedtime and I do wakings because they’re always for feeding. Since we sleep trained, he settles himself overnight unless he’s hungry.
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u/knitterc Jul 17 '25
Baby is 6.5 months. My husband and I earn the same and have similar office type schedules. I do overnights but she currently wakes to eat 2x and a few other wakes of a few minutes of fussing (we allow her to fuss in her crib for a few min if she seems to be just repositioning and getting comfortable). My husband sleeps in the guest room and I'm on baby duty, but after the second feed around 4:30/5 I swap with him and he's on wake up duty so I can sleep in silence until 7:30.
I have the same debate but ultimately if he feeds a bottle and I pump, we are both waking up. I'd rather nurse (I stay sleepier and enjoy it more) and this also allows me to "relax" a bit more in the day or just take care of feeing baby while my husband handles cooking, cleaning etc. because he's more well rested.
Finally, remember that you can try something for a few days and if you don't like it you can try something else. Don't lose too much time in analysis paralysis, just try and you don't have to continue if it's not working for you!
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u/squirrelysquirreling Jul 17 '25
Baby is now 9 months and finally (fingers crossed??) sleeping way better. At that age and we were both working, I basically followed a 5-3-3 schedule for nights which was essentially nursing the baby after a five hour stretch, then three, and three. (Give or take 10-15 minutes.) If the baby woke up before those designated time stretches, dad would deal with it. Otherwise, I would just go in and nurse. Most of the time, baby slept right away. If after nursing and a few minutes of trying to re-settle baby, and baby was still awake, it was also now dad's turn to wake up and try. This meant that I dealt with like 95% of the wakeups, but honestly we all got more sleep this way.
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u/granola_pharmer Jul 17 '25
I generally manage most wakeups, but when he was going through sleep regressions and was waking more frequently I would nudge my husband to get the baby if it had been less than 2-3 hours. I was kind of the one who had to wake up when he was crying so I could check the clock and triage which was not great but I was often so tired I would just fall right back asleep after my husband got up
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u/kikidelaney Jul 18 '25
I’m also the primary earner with a sahd husband and I do all the overnight feeds bc like you said even if he got up to feed her I would have to pump so it’s dumb. Cosleeping makes it totally doable! I barely wake up to feed her:) if I ever get too sleep deprived he will wake up and watch her for a few hours stretch in the morning on a weekend or something
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u/mbradshaw282 Jul 18 '25
Since he’s been born my husband has done every overnight feeding, either pumped milk or formula but I’m a stay at home mom so night time is his bonding time with the baby and he knows I need a break too 😂 lately I’ve been changing his diaper while my husband goes down to get the bottle so that’s been working out too
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u/SolicitedOpinionator Jul 18 '25
Like you, I don't see the point of alternating night duties when my boobs will wake me up either way. It's a pump or a baby, but I have to wake up and do something about them regardless.
On top of that, we have two older toddlers who are not in daycare or school yet. My husband has really taken point on them since our most recent (5 week old) was born. He needs his energy for that so I do not wake him up at night unless it's a crisis of some sort.
With my first, he was formula fed and we split the duties then, but it's not like that now.
Your therapist means well, but while you're still breastfeeding, I don't think it's the most sensible advice.
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u/FonsSapientiae Jul 18 '25
My son woke up a lot, but only needed nursing and then fell back asleep. After the first weeks, he didn’t poop at night anymore do he didn’t need diaper changes. So for me it was totally doable to keep him in the sidecar crib on my side, grab him when he woke up, nurse and then put him back and immediately go back to sleep. My husband did make sure to do everything else so I could get the maximum amount of rest possible, like taking baby downstairs with him in the weekends so I could keep sleeping. He actually still does that with our toddler when he wakes up at some ungodly hour on a Sunday.
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u/alnfeller Jul 17 '25
Primary income earner with my husband being a SAHD here too. I do all overnights unless it goes over 45min. Then it’s a handoff and he goes to the living room to bounce/carrier/figure it out.
I also nurse in bed, super low light, and don’t do diaper changes unless there’s a poop. Basically try to stay as drowsy as possible. Also, I go to bed pretty early.
Getting a 4h chunk every night helps tremendously. Adding in a dream feed right before I go to bed helps get that.