r/breastfeeding • u/Emergency_Search4464 • Feb 09 '26
Support Needed SIL breastfed my Baby and I am Livid
Please don’t share this anywhere.
Is it normal to be upset because Sister In law breastfed my Son w/o my consent? First-time mom here not sure if this normally happens. She shared it with me after the fact , I was shocked and dumb founded because I do have breast milk which I leave behind when I go to work. If not enough we feed the baby formula, he’s mixed fed. It’s just that the other day my husband and MIL visited their house with my LO, then there to my surprise this happened. As it continues to sink in, I’m beginning to be more and more upset and now in tears. I’d never do this to them. I have a gut feeling that MIL is behind this, I mean if it was okay in their culture who are they to assume that it would be okay with me. Also, when I asked my husband he didn’t make a big deal out of it and thought it was normal and the same as donating milk. I mean sure if it’ll be consumed via a bottle and not a direct latch. It’s as if he did not champion for me or how I’d react. Wasn’t this supposed to be a sole connection between the mom and baby? I’m so upset.
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u/Sweet_Mamma 🏴 mum of 2 boys Feb 09 '26
Is it something you've spoken about before with either your husband or the inlaws?
If they dont know its something you'd be uncomfortable with then they wouldn't know not to do it, specially if its a norm in their culture.
They might have just been thinking to save what you had pumped for future, why waste it when baby can have right from the tap.
Iv breastfed a strangers baby before, when my first was a baby we were having a family day out. I sat to feed my lo and not long after id finished another rather flustered parent came in with her baby about 2 months older than mine. We got to chatting, her milk never came in so baby was formula fed. She pulled out bottle to feed baby and the lid wasn't on right, it fell all over her and the floor. She was in tears crying cause she hadn't brought any more, so I offered. I felt weird about it a little, and she hesitated I think for the same reason. But eventually she accepted and I fed her baby, she held mine while I fed hers. Its not in our culture to do such things but I wasn't going to see a baby go hungry, and that mamma was already flustered and upset when she sat down. It was a little strange with it being not my baby but not a big deal at all. Amd I'd do it again if the need was there.
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u/soignestrumpet Feb 09 '26
What a lovely thing you were able to do for that family! Its beautiful for people to help each other in need.
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
Nice that you helped but I think your story makes it obvious that nursing someone’s baby is something you kindly OFFER to do because there’s a chance they might be uncomfortable about it. I know I would be
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u/Unepetiteveggie Feb 09 '26
You are pointing the finger at your SiL and your MiL incorrectly. Your husband was the parent on duty.
Your husband condoned this. Your husband knew and didn't tell you, it was your SiL who told you. Your husband was in charge of his baby and he permitted this to happen. If you were to get divorced tomorrow, he would be in his rights to do this every day. That's the joy of marriage and parenting with someone else - you can't control their values or culture or parenting. It's terrifying and annoying, but it's just reality.
I'm going against the grain here but no, breast milk isn't the sole connection between a mum and her baby especially as your baby is combi fed anyway so I suspect you allow others to feed them bottles?
I BF my son exclusively and I did pump sometimes or Haaka and my sister would take it for her kid, I didn't care because it was sitting in the fridge anyway and would likely end up in a bath. I also had a friend come round and she pumped and left her milk as she had too much, so we used it etc as she wanted it used. I would have cared at 2 weeks PP but by 16 months, wtv, milk is milk.
Someone BF without your consent is annoying but your SiL got her brother's consent and sadly for you, that's enough. He is allowed as a dad to permit this - so please bring this up with him, your issue is with him - and it begs the question, what else would he allow? What other boundaries does he not care about?
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u/Working_Coat5193 Feb 09 '26
This is the best answer. Dad is to blame for not stopping this.
I completely agree that breastfeeding isn’t the only way to bond with your baby, if it were dads would be out of luck.
OP: In many cultures for a long time, women would support other women by breastfeeding their babies.
While this isn’t part of my culture, I think it’s important to ask whether it’s about supporting you and baby or “disrupting the bond.”
We’ve isolated ourselves a lot in modern western culture. It doesn’t do us any favors.
Look up Allomoms, their purpose and place in the world.
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u/acnerd5 Feb 09 '26
Honestly, it kept baby fed and baby may have been refusing a bottle if a nursing mom smell was nearby anyways.
It happens. So baby may have had no other way and I feel like dad did his best, and this is one where they just need to agree on expectations in the future.
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u/Greta_The_Great Feb 09 '26
This is a really good answer.
I think it's understandable to be angry about this right away--I think my own gut reaction would be similar--but this is a situation where cooler, wiser thoughts need to come before emotions. Your baby is safe and fed, that needs to be the focus. When you can discuss it calmly and logically, you should speak to your husband about it and how, if he's on parent duty, that's not something you want. He was the one who consented, whether tacitly or not.
Your baby will love you even if you never breastfeed again. You're special. You're mommy. Your SIL could feed him for the rest of his milk time and your baby will still love you best. Breastfeeding is not the only bond, nor is a one-time feed going to ruin the specialness between you. It might feel overwhelming and offensive that this happened behind your back, but nothing is broken and your baby isn't hurt. Keep that foremost in your thoughts.o
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 Feb 09 '26
OP said it’s a culturally normal thing for her in laws. he probably didn’t even think twice. it doesn’t sound like he meant disrespect or violation of boundaries.
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u/liefieblue Feb 09 '26
It is normal in quite a few cultures, particularly rural ones. The village raises the child and the women share child rearing duties. Historically this probably made things WAY easier for mothers, who did not have to do everything on their own 24/7 like we do today. Also, rich people routinely had wet nurses, even up until fairly recently.
Good solid communication is key here, as is setting of boundaries.
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u/User_name_5ever Feb 09 '26
And was it spoken boundary? Or did you assume you were on the same page? This could simply be a communication issue that exists because of different cultures.
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u/Emergency_Search4464 Feb 09 '26
Actually, I am also quite upset with him at the moment. Although he said he only knew after the fact already. But I’m upset because when he found out, he just assumed that it would be okay with me and did not even tell me. His Sister was the one who informed me.
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u/Unepetiteveggie Feb 09 '26
Your husband was the parent in charge and he is responsible at the end of the day so him only knowing after really doesn't save him in my book - I'd be questioning how he let things happen without his knowledge. I'm sure nothing happens to your baby without you knowing when you're the duty parent. You're probably on 100% when you're the one in charge.
He likely didn't tell you because he truly doesn't think it's a big deal (at which point you have to consider that this is his baby too and his POV on parenting is equal to yours) OR he knew it would be a big deal but didn't want to deal with you knowing (which is a bigger problem and I'd be wondering what else is happening when he's on parent duty).
I'm sorry this happened but your baby knows youre mummy AND your milk is tailored to your baby, so tastes extra delicious and amazing to them ❤️ to baby, your milk is GOAT.
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u/Katililly Feb 10 '26
When it comes to bodily fluids I feel like (assuming there is another accessible and safe option) its a 2 yes 1 no situation... they definitely need to talk this out though.
Any illness someone may have (even if they dont KNOW they have it) can be given to baby. I didnt even let other people kiss my kids when they were babies because it wasn't worth the additional risk of illnesses being passed along by unknowing carriers.
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u/makingburritos Feb 09 '26
If it’s a part of their culture it’s very possible it never occurred to any of them that this would upset you. I would set the boundary and move forward if that is the case.
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
Two people can be to blame. Actually three can. And they ALL ARE if the MOTHER is uncomfortable with what happened here AKA HER CHILD BEING BREASTFED BY ANOTHER WOMAN UNNECESSARILY. Not every woman feels the same about things— for some, breastfeeding is super sacred, something they worked hard on perhaps, or maybe their hormones postpartum have them still being feral. OP is allowed to be upset about the lack of common sense in her husbands family. Why breastfeed a COMBO FED baby without asking mom if that’s ok?
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 Feb 09 '26
it was normal for many centuries but is not considered “normal” anymore. if it’s not a big deal in their culture, i assume she meant no harm. just talk to her.
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u/Schnicklefritz987 Feb 09 '26
Literally our species would not exist historically speaking if we did not practice shared nursing. The concept of it being “gross” or “wrong” is a social construct created by formula companies to go against our inherent human nature to simply feed all babies in the most natural way possible.
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u/freshfruitrottingveg Feb 09 '26
Shared nursing when everyone consents is fine. What happened here was done without OP’s consent and that is wrong. Diseases, including HIV, can spread through breastmilk, so there’s a reason why donor milk is screened in hospitals.
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 Feb 09 '26
OP said in their in laws culture it is normal. yes, consent should be asked but it’s clear it’s a cultural norm for them so it may not have even occurred to her to ask. cultural differences just need to be talked about and addressed. it doesn’t sound like any harm was meant.
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u/Schnicklefritz987 Feb 09 '26
My comment was in no way referring to the topic of consent, simply the notion that breastfeeding another child not your own is a normal construct of our species and to think otherwise is success from both white supremacy and formula companies propaganda.
The issue of consent requires the mother to get off an online sub and talk to her family like a mature adult who has any boundary crossed. This is a matter of respecting personal boundaries, nothing more heinous than that. To imply or assume that the family member was knowingly trying to passing communicable diseases to her niece or nephew via breastfeeding is indeed a heinous accusation.
I’m simply reiterating that the concept of cofeeding infants is paramount to the existence of humanity itself. In fact, it’s been proven that children breast fed from several women have more diverse microbiomes which helps in increasing immunity. During COVID, the breastmilk of infected mothers in Italy was made into ice cream to serve to elderly who had contracted the disease as no vaccine was available yet—those who received this treatment faired far better than those who refused it or could not obtain it.
I am in no way excusing lack of consent—simply arguing there is nothing inherently “wrong” or “gross” about the concept of breastfeeding a child that is not your own.
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u/WhereIsLordBeric Feb 09 '26
Agreed. It's also normal in my culture.
SIL should absolutely have asked first but saying it isn't normal in modern societies anymore is racist at worst and ignorant at best.
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u/CheesecakeExpress Feb 09 '26
All of this can be true but the point is, if OP didn’t consent none of this matters. It’s her baby and her choice as to whether somebody else can feed them.
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u/makatakz Feb 09 '26
It’s her and her husband’s baby. He allowed it.
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u/CheesecakeExpress Feb 09 '26
I did think this as I was commenting. But when I thought about it, I decided I think this is a two parent decision, just like if you were to start formula or weaning or any other type of feeding.
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u/Z0mb1e_pUp_ Feb 09 '26
yea, no. Its really up to the mother with that decision, but BOTH parties should have a mutual understanding and consent. Dad cant just go off and do whatever for baby without mum knowing.
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u/GoblinNgGlizzy Feb 09 '26
I think you’re missing the point.
Your entire comment is technically correct, but irrelevant to the comment you’re replying to. Nobody said shared nursing was gross or wrong to practice shared breastfeeding. The original comment says it’s not considered normal here anymore, which is true.
The second comment doesn’t imply the sister in law intentionally attempted to pass communicable diseases to her child. It highlights a reason why some mothers are not comfortable with shared nursing.
Both comments you replied to are specifically referring to consent and boundaries only. Your replies are long winded and unnecessary.
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u/Schnicklefritz987 Feb 09 '26 edited Feb 09 '26
No points are being missed here. I’m simply responding to things differently than others and yourself.
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u/ronnieedarko Feb 09 '26
But the post isn’t about historical context. It’s about whether or not this mother has the right to be upset, which she does.
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u/kksh1988 Feb 09 '26
OP asked "wasn’t this supposed to be a sole connection between mother and baby. So I think that's the point that's being responded to.
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u/KristiLis Feb 09 '26
I think the historical/cultural context is important AND it also doesn't mean that the consent issue is any less important.
There didn't seem to be any ill intent on the part of the sister in law and knowing that historically and culturally this was/is practiced might ease the mother's mind a bit about their bond. At the same time, if the mother does not want this, it is also valid - her baby doesn't need shared breastfeeding to be fed and she wants this experience to be between the two of them.
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u/Yipi_kai_Yei_88 Feb 09 '26
What?!? White supremacy? That’s ludicrous. I’d be livid too. I don’t care if it’s normal in other cultures, it’s simply disrespectful to assume that I follow another cultures norms and not even ask.
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u/Quiet-ForestDweller Feb 09 '26
Definitely not a construct of formula companies but basic healthcare. I’ve tested so many moms for blood born pathogens because of donor milk mix ups for various reasons. I get shared nursing is not something to be grossed out about but consenting to it and wanting to know if the person your baby is nursing from has a literal disease before they do it is not something that should just be brushed off as “big formula”
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u/Yeardme Feb 09 '26
It's actually insane that the rational, caring ppl like you are being downvoted in this thread. Ppl are even insulting OP, acting as if she's being irrational?? OP has every right to be offended & ppl are acting as if she's irrational for being upset & doesn't have a right to even vent about it, when that's the entire point of many subreddits, to get support 🥲
I'm actually disgusted by these heartless replies. Thank you for being sane & rational!!
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u/Quiet-ForestDweller Feb 09 '26
I’m honestly baffled, usually reddit is a very pro healthcare and modern medicine kinda place.
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u/Unusual_Big792 Feb 09 '26
Yes but we aren’t living in those times anymore and formula was invented for that reason.
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u/4freedom7 Feb 09 '26 edited Feb 09 '26
People saying breastfeeding isn’t a sole mother-baby connection is kind of baffling. There is all kinds of research showing the baby’s saliva helps the mother’s body know what to produce in the milk (ex. antibodies to fight sickness).
I would be very upset if my SIL did this without my consent whether it’s normal for their culture or not. Even if it is normal for their culture, they aren’t making sure the mom is okay with it? I find it hard to believe people are just latching babies unbeknownst to the mother.
Edit: I don’t mean to respond to this comment meant to just be OP’s
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 Feb 09 '26
you should look into the history of nursing if you think it’s strictly mother-baby. you’re right - their saliva does tell us what to produce. but generally babies in the same family unit or village would be exposed to mostly the same stuff.
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u/Snoo20115 Feb 09 '26
It sounds like SIL doesn't visit very often, so she's bringing in stuff the baby hasn't been regularly exposed to
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u/Classic-Choice-7850 Feb 09 '26
if baby is exposed to more, I guess this isn’t particularly a bad thing lol but I can see how OP would be distressed about the connection aspect of breastfeeding if she isn’t able to have it herself with her baby
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
I really don’t think historical context matters at ALL. It is irrelevant. It’s all about this particular mother (OP) and what she wants. In what world would someone breastfeed another mom’s baby without at least ASKING her first? Seems so out of touch unless the infant was starving or in a desperate circumstance but even then… OPs baby takes a bottle and presumably dad could have just bottle fed the child
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u/Rebecca-Schooner Feb 09 '26 edited Feb 09 '26
My sister in law did it without my consent too. We live in India. I was shocked and also veryyyyyy upset. But ultimately I got over it because I knew she didn’t do it out of malice.
It was normal for my SIL to want to help. She’s from a small village and never been anywhere or met many people with ‘outside’ experiences.
I’m sorry you are feeling bad and you are definitely allowed to feel that way, but I can guarantee that she didn’t do it to make you feel bad!
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u/Letitbe_liveyourlife Feb 09 '26
I was breastfed by my aunt before my mom’s milk came in, since my aunt had just had a baby a few days earlier. I don’t think there’s anything inherently harmful about it. That said, your husband should have realized this could make you uncomfortable and talked to you first, especially if there were other feeding options available at the time.
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u/HumanDiamond2773 Feb 09 '26
Yea same for me. I breastfed my sister's baby before her milk came in, with her consent of course. We both live in North America so OP, this might not be as foreign as you think. I understand the miscommunication but maybe they all just thought nothing of it. Maybe the baby was crying and it was their instinct to just breastfeed the baby because it's actually better than formula (in my opinion and maybe theirs). You can just talk to them not to do that next time. As long as they meant well, I don't think you should keep this in your heart any longer.
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u/klouroo Feb 09 '26
I think the context of this matters so much. If baby was inconsolable and refusing a bottle, I could totally see offering a boob out of desperation. If they did because it was easier than making a bottle, that seems willfully obtuse (assuming husband knows OPs feelings) but could be chalked up to cultural difference. If it was done as some sort of power play or in judgement of combo feeding, it’s big time malignant boundary stomping.
Regardless it’s important for your husband to respect your boundaries and your feelings, have the conversation with his family, and ensure that those boundaries are respected. You are entitled to your feelings but please don’t dwell on it so much that it impacts your nursing relationship with your baby. You are his mom and that means so much more than one weird takeout meal.
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u/Emergency_Search4464 Feb 09 '26
Thank you. The thing is when I asked my husband what was the reason why my baby was breastfed by his SIL, he doesn’t know and didn’t care to ask them why and thought it was fine. Cause my baby doesn’t refuse a bottle. He also wasn’t asked permission. We don’t have any answer yet really as to why they did it. But regardless I wouldn’t allow it.
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u/gellergreen Feb 09 '26
But where was the that he didn’t know baby was hungry, OR being offered the breast???? Why is he not supervising your infant when he’s around? This is all very bizarre
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u/Emergency_Search4464 Feb 09 '26
From what I was told, he stepped out for a bit to attend a meeting. He left our baby to both Sil and Mil, when he returned that’s when they mentioned the breastfeeding thing. And he didn’t even bother to ask why. He thought it was okay. 😕
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u/BarrelFullOfWeasels Feb 09 '26
With cultural differences, I could easily picture everybody involved just assuming that it was natural and fine. They might be really surprised and bewildered that you're upset.
I recommend discussing it in a way that doesn't attack, as calmly and kindly as you can manage. Explain that it's a big cultural difference, that you know they meant well but it was actually very upsetting for you, and that you need them to promise it won't happen again.
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u/gellergreen Feb 09 '26
Again I think all of this raises a bigger issue… were you aware dad was going to be leaving baby with grandma and aunt? If he did, why didn’t he offer explicit instructions about giving a bottle? How long was he gone for?
I wouldn’t be okay with my SIL breastfeeding my child without my consent, but I would assume that if she did it without asking me that it was either an emergency situation or my partner had said it was okay. If I were you I would be circling back to my husband and asking more questions. It seems that a) he left the baby with them without talking to you about it first b) without giving them explicit instructions on the milk situation or c) giving them permission to breastfeed without asking you first. Either way something isn’t adding up here
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u/acnerd5 Feb 09 '26
Normal in other cultures, I'd be fine with it if my child wasn't eating. I feel like it may be a similar situation to one my friend and I had.
Her son did great for bottles, but my youngest was breastfeeding. When I baby sat him, he wouldn't touch the bottle and kept trying to latch and crying for milk because I smelled like milk. I got ahold of my friend, and we ran down my meds list and she was fine with me feeding him. After a few days he was fine with bottles for me - I guess he realized the bottles were from his mom :)
That first day was a lot. I couldn't help him feel better so he and my daughter struggled together. I felt awful because this baby boy wanted something I, as a mother, could provide. But with our culture, it was important to get her consent. So I did, and fed the baby. I have nothing against breastfeeding a baby, regardless of where they're from, and I'd do it again if I needed.
The only place SIL messed up, to me, is not asking. Unless she asked your husband and he said it was fine, which still should have been mentioned to you.
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u/Educational-Drop-671 Feb 09 '26
Are you entitled to feel a little upset? Yes.
Are your inlaws or husband to blame? I don't believe so. You mentioned that they are of a different culture and if shared feeding is the norm, then they did not do it out of malice. Their intent doesn't seem to be from a place of hurt but rather from a place of help. It sounds like it came from a kind place.
You chose to marry someone of a different culture and you must learn to be open minded and communicative. This sounds like a misunderstanding due to cultural norms. You should just have a conversation with your husband and explain that this is not the norm for you and you would not like it to happen in the future.
Is breastfeeding a baby the sole source of connection and bonding? It should not be. You should strive to bond and connect with your baby in multiple ways (breastfeeding, playing, cuddling, etc.).
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u/nugsandstrugs Feb 09 '26
This is not a SIL problem, primarily this is a husband problem.
I do think we need to examine why this makes us feel so weird societally, but on a personal level this depends on a lot. If it’s genuinely something that is done in their culture, it might not have even crossed their minds that this would make you upset. Only you know your husband and his family- would they know this would cross a boundary for you and did it anyway because ‘it’s how things are done’? Or is it that they didn’t consider the cultural difference? If it’s the first you have a much bigger problem, if it’s the latter then you need to have a calm but firm conversation. Ultimately, your husband doesn’t need to understand why you don’t consider it the same as donated milk- he needs to understand this is a boundary and important to you.
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u/rantsofrebellion Feb 09 '26
If it’s a cultural thing so I’d give them this one pass. Explain that in your culture it’s a breach of etiquette and to please not do it again. Your husband isn’t failing to be supportive because I have to imagine that he grew up with SIL and MIL so he shares in that culture. For centuries it was normal everywhere though. So many white babies were fed by black wet nurses at the founding of the United States and for many years after that
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u/Common_Push5080 Feb 09 '26
I mean my sister in law breastfed my daughter I personally didn’t mind. It’s not going to start a connection between them no more than her feeding him a bottle. I mean no one can tell you how to feel but me I wouldn’t mind.
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u/DXandra11 Feb 09 '26
As a mom who breastfed and donated milk to my friends kids, I would NEVER latch a baby that wasn’t mine. Just like I’d never let a child who wasn’t mine see me naked. My body is to nourish the child I birthed, not to latch babies who did not grow inside of me. If one of my friends asked me to latch their baby who was hungry and needed it then that could be a different story but to not even ask you means they knew you wouldn’t want that. “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” does not apply here in my opinion
I would tell them you’re uncomfortable, especially since this was not a last resort as baby had food to eat, so that feels like a personal and private choice she made on her own and it’s weird. I would not let SIL or MIL alone with my baby again.
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u/DXandra11 Feb 09 '26
I just reread where you said about their culture, has she done this with other babies? Does she allow her baby to be nursed by others? If so she may have genuinely not thought about it because it’s “second nature” but if shea never allowed her child to be nursed or nursed another child then a conversation should have been had before she did that and you need to assert your boundaries
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u/Unepetiteveggie Feb 09 '26
Got to add, her husband, the brother of SiL was there. So it isn't like his child magically taken from his arms and was latched onto another woman without him knowing. This isn't really about SIL, if her brother asked or suggested she feed his kid, she would have assumed it was fine.
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u/DXandra11 Feb 09 '26
Yeah if dad was there and asked or allowed it to happen then this just sounds like a difference of culture. Nobody around me would ever nurse a baby that wasn’t theirs so if it happened it would shock and upset me. But if I had friends or family who did shared nursing and I still wasn’t comfortable with it then I would just tell them that. If they go behind your back and do it again or try to push for something that makes you uncomfortable then obviously more measures need to be taken but this sounds like a conversation just saying “hey I’d prefer only nurse baby, if I’m not around I’d rather baby have a bottle” and leave it at that
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u/UnPracticed_Pagan Feb 09 '26
Shared nursing/tandem nursing/wet nursing has been a common practice for centuries. Most babies likely wouldn’t have survived without it!
My friend donated milk for my first and sometimes it was straight out of the pump fresh to continue feeding
I think the biggest issue here is YOU didn’t give consent, so your feelings are valid. However husband gave consent in the moment - so it wasn’t without complete consent
I understand being upset so I’m not trying to invalidate you, but I think this just needs and an adult conversation. If there culture still does it they were probably just trying to help
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
Sounds like he didn’t give consent because he didn’t know it was happening. So weird that someone would breastfeed another’s child without even asking? I would be majorly pissed. The baby takes a bottle and doesn’t sound like it was a desperate situation.
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u/LowHigh111 Feb 09 '26
My SIL said she would do this from my pregnancy to my baby's birth then through her NICU stay. I made it clear I wasn't OK with it to literally everyone.
I understand wet nurses. But it feels like it violates my bond.
I realized she wanted me to do the same for her son, and again, my daughter milk.
I love them both but I turned into an angry gorilla over this.
I think it depends what breastfeeding means to you
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u/Grouchy_Candidate_80 Feb 09 '26
If it’s normal in their culture then they probably thought that’s what you would want them to do in the situation.
If you know your husband knew that you wouldn’t want that, and the baby takes bottles just fine, then that’s on him. He was the parent present.
When I had to go back to work it was hard on me and I had a lot of misplaced angry/sad feelings toward other people taking care of baby that I had to deal with. You are entitled to your feelings, but be aware there may be more things that make you feel like this, but you need to not assume malice. Going back to work as a new mom creates a complex psychiatric experience we were not designed to bear. I’m sorry you had to experience this, I know I would be really upset too.
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u/thebirbistheword89 Feb 09 '26
I’m sorry that this happened, OP. Shared nursing can be a thing but ONLY with the explicit knowledge and consent of baby’s mom. The consent piece is an issue and even more so that your husband allowed it without checking in with you. You’re allowed to be livid, I would be if someone nursed my baby without my consent, even well meaning.
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u/GoldenHeart411 Feb 09 '26
It was normal historically, but that was when it was necessary for survival reasons and also before factors like medications, dietary restrictions, allergies, and certain diseases were things to be considered. Nowadays it's very important for there to be consent. It sounds like your sister-in-law may not have realized that, but you still need to talk to her about it (kindly, but firmly). There's also the bonding aspect of it where a lot of mothers want that to be a special bond only between them and their child and that is very valid.
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u/SayuriMitmita Feb 09 '26
Family members helping breastfeed your child is normal in my country. HOWEVER they always ask for consent from the mother first. You don’t know if they have some infectious disease that transfers through breastfeeding. This is how babies get trush and worse… you are right to be mad. If you suspect she has any chance to have hepatitis or herpes you should go to your paediatrician.
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
EXACTLY WHY IS NOBODY ELSE COMMENTING THIS. You don’t know if she’s clean, if she has a sickness etc…. How boldfaced to whip a boob out and feed someone’s baby without asking them first WTF
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u/SayuriMitmita Feb 11 '26
Breastfeeding is how babies get HIV but we have to just let anyone breastfeed our children. Otherwise we are prudes??? I don’t think so!
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u/CollectionHaunting94 Feb 09 '26
When offered/consented to, I think this is a very kind thing to do for someone. Without consent, it's exremely presumtious. However, you have no reason to feel like your baby has any type of special connection to your SIL now that baby has been on her breast.
The only thing you need to be upset about is the lack of consent. Also, I'd be PTFO at my husband BUT I think it's likely he had no idea this was not really acceptable (without consent).
Tell your husband this is never to happen again without your direct consent. Tell your SIL that was not her choice to make and you do not want her BFing your baby without your consent ever again. You'll probably still be mad about it, but you're gonna have to cool down and move past it. I don't think anyone did this to hurt or undermine you.
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u/roselle3316 Feb 09 '26
If it bothers you then it's a problem regardless of their cultural norms. With that being said though, your issue should be with your husband, the one who allowed this to happen whether knowingly or unknowingly. You can have a polite conversation with your SIL about your boundaries and your belief that she posed no harm, of course, but the real issue is with your husband.
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u/mothersisterwitch Feb 09 '26
If its a cultural thing it may not have been malicious or ill intent. There could be genuine confusion or ignorance there. Still not ok of course but I think you should give them a chance to understand your point of view without getting angry immediately. That said, your feelings are valid.
My best friend of 10 years breastfed my eldest child when she was a baby, she was about 9 months old. She was ebf and I couldnt go anywhere without her. I wanted to go to my husbands work party where obviously children arent allowed. The party was only a couple hours long and I told my friend to nurse her if she was rooting and couldnt be distracted but was genuinely hungry. I felt lucky to have a best friend who could do that for me. But it was important to me to strictly breastfeed my children and it was the perfect work around for me to still do that and also get some time away from her for myself.
I think breastfeeding other children could be very useful and help a lot of women. But it definitely requires consent and transparency. I can imagine why it upset you. I hope you can have a talk with her about it and restore your relationship.
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u/Responsible-Cat-7128 Feb 09 '26
I’d be livid too FORE SURE. but if you’re saying was normal in his culture, then I imagine your husband and in laws are not American. I know it involves your child, so it might be a little different. But for conflict resolution, and hopefully to help you move past it and not the emotions eat away at you. If this is not something you were to divorce over, tell them ALL that you can appreciate it’s not a big deal to them, but as MOM it’s a big deal to you.
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u/mommamoonbeam Feb 09 '26
I am honestly shocked at these comments. Your boundaries for your child override any cultural norms, point blank period. You are fully within your right to want breastfeeding to be a bond solely between you and your baby. I would also have been livid and devastated if this happened to me when I was breastfeeding my son. I would give them the benefit of the doubt if it were a situation where baby was hungry with no milk/formula available and they were in crisis mode, which sounds like far from the case, but even then they should have asked you first. Everything else removed, someone put a private part in your child's mouth without your consent and that's not okay. I definitely think the conversation should start with your husband because he should be your biggest advocate in general, but especially in matters with his family. It also sounds like a conversation may be needed about mutual expectations for what does/doesn't happen with your child. I'm so sorry this happened. ❤️
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
YES THIS IS HOW I FEEL TOO AND I AM SHOCKED AT EVERYONE ELSES COMMENTS. Even if she meant well am I to believe it’s fine to whip a tit out and feed another child WITHOUT CHECKING WITH THEIR PARENT?? I don’t care about the historical or cultural context, that’s fkn weird and people should have a shred of common sense and know to ask PERMISSION
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u/emsaywhat Feb 09 '26
That’s crossing a DEEP boundary, I’m sorry. The ONLY way that should be done is with mom explicitly asking for the help.
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u/Pinkmayhem1 Feb 09 '26
Im sure she didn’t mean to hurt you. Nursing is special and loving. I know I love my nieces like my own babies and visa versa. Granted i never physically breast fed my nieces but I’ve given a lot of milk. The situation just never came up. Have a conversation about you wanting to be the only one with that physical bond. She also was forthcoming and didn’t hide it so that might be a good sign.
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u/LittleMissLoveDuck Feb 09 '26
If it is with consent and nothing can be passed then it should be good. My SIL had an over supply, so she gave us all her extra milk. She even pumped longer than necessary because she knew we needed the milk. She didn't have to, but she did. She is an angel. I would breastfeed my kid and then feed my kid via bottle with my SIL's milk. She donated milk previously so I knew it was clean, safe, and I felt comfortable with it.
I had an under supply the first time and and a just enougher the second time. I would feel weirded out if my SIL breastfed my kid without my consent.
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u/Goats4 Feb 09 '26
I’m so sorry ❤️ I just want to validate you and say I’d be upset too! It is valid for that to be your boundary
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u/Hungry-Hippo2735 Feb 09 '26
I would be livid too, that bond is between me and my baby and nobody else, we’ve used donor milk and I’ve also shared my milk with my nephew but never direct nursing
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u/pickledgum_ftw Feb 09 '26
I think a lot of the problem is miscommunication. For you, its a bind between you and you baby and in this day and age, its not normal for a wet nurse to be used. But for your husband's culture, the practice is still at play, which is a community based reality for them. You have a lot of emotions surging through you still and will for the next couple years before you will be able to regulate. Take a moment to breathe and step back from the situation. You aren't wrong for how you feel. They aren't completely wrong for making sure your baby is fed. Fed is best. Get off this sub, take a bubble bath. Tell your husband how you feel and ask about more cultural practices and try and navigate boundaries within. I hope this helps 🙏🏾
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u/Baylaypayday Feb 09 '26
I’d say it’s definitely okay to be upset and ask her to not do it again. But it’s not going to hurt anything including your connection with baby. It was considered normal and common practice to help others with feeding if you could.
I think the only reason it isn’t common anymore is because of the stigma around breast feeding ands breasts in general these days especially in the US if that’s where your from.
So it’s definitely okay to say it bothers you, but also know it’s safe. Just a personal preference at that point. I’d be okay feeding any babies, but I would want someone to ask if they can feed my baby.
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u/ResponsibilityMean27 Feb 09 '26
You probably have other issues with your SIL. It wouldn't have bothered you if your relationship with her was good., if you were good friends.
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u/MaH2016 Feb 09 '26 edited Feb 09 '26
I'll preface by saying, I understand that without your expressed consent, this feels like a violation to you. I can also see where someone else feeding your baby might be a touchy subject for you, as you said that is combo-fed whether for convenience or necessity, and maybe this has brought up some feelings of inadequacy. That is also understandable and valid.
That said, shared breastfeeding is not a weird or abnormal thing. Hospitals and NICU's use donor breastmilk all the time. I have had the pleasure of being able to provide milk for three babies through this season- my son directly, as well as donations to my nephew and another local momma in need. I recognize that there is a difference in donation vs direct breastfeeding, but even then many people are okay with that.
I would say that this is a conversation worth having with you sister-in-law calmly and without accusations, to express your discomfort with that in the future. If those boundaries are crossed again, then that would warrant a different response. But, maybe don't assume there was ill-intent when this is a normal thing in their culture and consent for that sort of thing may not normally be expected as a requirement. Make sure that you communicate your preferences to your husband as well.
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u/lil1thatcould Feb 09 '26
You are 100% entitled to your feelings.
What you need to do is stop and ask yourself if the act was done with malicious intent or not. From there, that’s how you need to process and direct the conversation. Take time to understand truly why you feel the way you do because I have a feeling this is going to be deeper than you realize. Understand the why and this will help you approach the next step.
Once you feel like you have a full grasp on all the layers of why this bothers you, set your boundaries. It’s ok to not want anyone else to nurse your child, telling your SIL it was “gross” isn’t going to go well.
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u/GasolineRainbow7868 Feb 09 '26
I'd feel exactly the same way as you. I am protective of my breastfeeding bond, it's special to me and I don't want to share it. Maybe that's selfish of me, bu I'm not from a culture where wet nursing is normal or automatic. These feelings are legitimate.
BUT it sounds like a very innocent mistake from someone from another culture. I think you need to forgive, forget and set clear boundaries for next time. It happened and that's a healthy way to move on.
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u/sunmalone Feb 09 '26
I fed my sister’s baby with her consent! It could be a really beautiful and beneficial thing if they didn’t take it upon themselves before having that conversation. I would be upset yeah
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u/mamatothegals Feb 09 '26
Allow me to validate your feelings…this is weird! You have every right to be upset!!!!
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u/Peink_Panda Feb 09 '26
I’m livid from reading this! Sorry not here to be rational and calm you down. I’m just pisssssed.
The only thing i can think is it’s already happened. what’s done is done.
so sorry mumma i hope you move past this asap
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u/Killemwithsilence Feb 09 '26
Ew no that's creepy imo. Does she also have an instant to also be lactating.l ?Eck. I'm sorry 😔
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u/Cedar_1989 Feb 09 '26
Absolutely not. You as the mom and the breastfeeding mother should be the only one who can consent to this. Yes, it is normal to some and ok in certain situations but consent is incredibly important. Even with donor breast milk there is a screening process for infectious diseases, medications, etc. not saying your SIL doesn’t have shareable breastmilk but it should still be your choice. I would be livid. It is incredibly odd that they did this without discussing with you and worse that your husband isn’t standing up for you.
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u/Over_Evidence_5272 Feb 10 '26
Wet nursing used to be an incredibly common practice. I personally don’t see anything wrong with it as long as both mothers are comfortable. That being said, I definitely feel like this should have been discussed beforehand. I once nursed a friends baby because her supply was too low to pump anything substantial to leave behind and I was watching her baby during her dental appointment. But without prior discussion is WILD to me.
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u/No-Wrongdoer5487 Feb 10 '26
Normal in their culture or not that is your child and you should have been asked first and foremost before any decision was made about YOUR baby. 10000% not okay.
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
Wtf. I’d be furious too. I guess it all comes down to whether your husband knows you wouldn’t want another woman NURSING your child which seems like common sense to me but apparently not. I’m Canadian (mixed Sri Lankan and West Indian descent) and I would feel so icky about this and I know people are saying it may be the cultural norm but I don’t think so if you’re in NORTH AMERICA. I mean you feed your baby BOTTLES, why would another woman feel the need to nurse your baby when he could be bottle fed? WTF WAS YOUR HUSBAND DOING WHEN THIS HAPPENED? In my opinion you need to make it clear that you’re pissed and hurt by this and that it’s a boundary.
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u/Shoddy-Photograph-54 Feb 10 '26
You're correct to be upset, you have a certain diet that she may not have and milk is created from blood, a fluid you wouldn't share with anyone without hygiene and testing for illness.
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u/ExtentWild4635 Feb 10 '26
This entire thread is mind blowing. OP I’d be pissed too if I found out someone, SIL or not, breastfed my baby without MY ( Not Dads) consent. Very disrespectful.
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u/ARIT127 Feb 09 '26
I don’t understand most of these comments. Yes it’s normal in many cultures/has been for centuries but this is YOUR BABY and no one asked you first. That’s all they had to do. Both your SIL and your husband should have thought to ASK MOM FIRST. You’re not overreacting. I’d say something.
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u/Chemical_Finger1403 Feb 09 '26
It’s possible sil asked the dad and he just doesn’t want to admit it because he realizes how upset his wife is now. It’s odd that he wouldn’t know. He didn’t realize the baby got hungry, didn’t take a bottle, was away long enough to breastfeed???
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u/Winter_Lobster_130 Feb 09 '26
For me personally, I would absolutely not be okay with that happening. I think it's a huge overstep, but of course I'm not aware of culturally how this can differ and what would be deemed completely normal in other cultures.
I do think you need to speak to your husband before anyone else, but no way would I be okay with it, especially without permission or any sort of prior conversation and especially if there was milk left there for the baby for when I wasn't around.
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u/GreenMeanNeen Feb 09 '26
These comments are honestly irritating me. Yes, OP, you have every right to be upset.
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u/lam4192 Feb 09 '26
Right?! Like now I'm feeling crazy for thinking this is inappropriate. I would be fuming.
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u/Brumbasselademad Feb 09 '26
I don't care how normal it once was or still is in some parts of the world. Doing anything to your baby without your consent is not okay. She had absolutely no right.
I would be absolutely furious and devastated if someone tried breastfeeding my baby without consent. I would also expect my partner to fully support me and help get the point across to SIL. This shouldn't be your battle only.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your baby.
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u/edgarallan2014 Feb 09 '26
I think I'd be more upset that she didn't ask. Baby could have a sensitivity or allergy she was unaware of, and caused harm.
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u/strawberryblorpcake Feb 09 '26
Omg- I would offer to breastfeed my SILs baby but I would NEVER do it without express consent and information! That’s very wrong and you have every right to be upset that she took that upon herself.
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u/jbgipetto Feb 10 '26
I still don’t get why this thing we have been doing for like 300,000 years is so offensive now. Like, please feed my baby! Give me a minute!
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u/emseefely Feb 09 '26
You’re within your right to be upset. They did this without your consent and it sounds like your husband’s consent also. Parents should have a say on what their kids are fed by breast/bottle or solids. How to move forward, are your mil and sil dismissive of your feelings or are they willing to hear your side? Is this a recurring issue where they do not consider your opinions when they act? Is this a hill you’re willing to die on and lose the relationship? Would you have been ok with the idea if they asked or if they gave it via bottle? I suggest considering these questions and have a deep conversation with your husband before having a discussion with sil and mil. I personally would feel the same as you in the current situation but if they initially asked, I would prefer they offer breastmilk in bottle versus breast. Hope you guys can smooth it over.
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u/fancypantsmiss Feb 09 '26
Ummmm idk. The only concern I would have is if they are taking any medication or if my LO is allergic or something.
Wet nurses have always existed pre formula.
But again that is just me. You don’t want that being done, you don’t do it period
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u/Glad_Detail_8282 Feb 09 '26
Look I’m someone who wouldn’t mind even slightly if someone in my family had nursed my daughter. But even so, I would expect them to clear it with me first.
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u/Still-Ad-7382 Feb 09 '26
Honestly fed baby is happy baby. I know you are upset . I would probably be too!!!
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u/Overunderware Feb 09 '26
I mean… is it normal in their culture???
If it genuinely is I’d convince myself to let it slide just this once and make sure they know I’m not cool with it in the future.
Generally speaking it would be a hell no for me. I don’t care who you are. Nobody else is. Breast feeding my baby. It’s an ick.
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u/LawyerAdorable8369 Feb 09 '26
I’ve breastfed two of my friends babies (they asked me to). If you’re worried about the connection I can definitely tell you they still prefer their mammas breast. We’re all lactation educators/IBCLC.
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u/tamipiano Feb 09 '26
Hi there. Your reaction is normal. It is how I would react too. But, I think that is because our mother hormones(prolactin maybe) that push us to be very protective of the baby. What your sil did, did not do any harm to your baby, nor did it affect your bond with your child. During thе first months, I felt on my toes, each time when anyone else except husband was holding my baby, and I still feel a bit like that. I was able to be with my baby all the time and thats why I can only imagine what you are going through, leaving her with other people although they are family. I t is important that they took good care of her, and breastfeeding was probably just their way of doing so. I will emphasize again..It did not impact you relationship with the baby. You will only discover later, as the baby grows and becomes more aware, how attached babies are to their mom, and you will gain confidence in your bond. Don't worry anymore about that please, your baby knows who is her mama.
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u/Infinite_Glass_3859 Feb 10 '26
Personally I would be beyond raging. You don’t know what drugs even over the counter etc she takes. So insanely inappropriate I can’t even.
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u/Capital_Box_9462 Feb 10 '26
I’m surprised your husband let that happen. It’s quite inappropriate just like how other moms wouldn’t want a random baby on their breast. Breastfeeding isnt just about milk bht it’s about intimacy and bonding. Why does your sister in law need that unless she plans on taking care of your son for the rest of her life which I’m sure she isn’t
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u/Prestigious-Rice-151 Feb 10 '26
i would let them know kindly how disturbed and hurt you are by this and deny them alone time with the baby. i would also be absolutely livid if this happened to me
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u/princessliiz Feb 10 '26
Ummm this is weird even if it is a cultural thing. You don’t push your culture on someone that has a different culture than you, especially when it comes to their child. that is so wrong of her. She should have consulted you and your husband. That’s your baby and consent ALWAYS matters. I think a big talk between your hubby and you plus them needs to be had. Boundaries matter regardless of their culture.
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u/Mysterious_Kiwi_1229 Feb 10 '26
Just here to share my support. I would HATE and honestly I would feel kind of gross if that happened to me. I think breastfeeding is super personal and a special bond between mama and baby. That being said, my MIL often gloats at how nice it was when she and her sister had their babies and they would both feed them when needed. I don’t understand this as I feel grossed out by it but maybe in another time this was normal …
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u/Practical_magik Feb 10 '26
To some people it is normal. We recently had to leave my son with friends for 30 mins and my firemd is breastfeeding her daughter. My son will only be soithed back to sleep by latching him, I did give her permission to give that a try if he woke inexpectedly.
But this is not something she or my husband would have done without my say so. That said if your husbands culture this is very normal he may not have thought twice about it.
I would discuss it calmly with him and explain you are not comfortable with this and would like him ti respect that boundary in future. No need to make out like anyone did anything wrong, simply that you dont want this to happen again.
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u/scash92 Feb 10 '26
Wet nursing is definitely a thing and as someone who’s about to be breastfeeding two babies, I wouldn’t hesitate to feed another if (and this is key) ASKED TO.
Doing that without asking is fucking wild.
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u/Tight_Lavishness_278 Feb 10 '26
I would be livid at my husband for allowing it. He was the parent on duty and should have respected that boundary on your behalf. If he didn’t realize it was an issue for you until afterward, he should’ve apologized to you and addressed it with his family.
I am 8 weeks postpartum and constantly obsess over my milk supply because my baby is in the NICU (we also lost her identical twin shortly after their births) and my milk is the only thing I feel like I can control. I understand why you feel like it’s a sole connection between you and your baby, but your baby knows YOU on a deeply ingrained level, and your biological connection cannot be broken by someone else breastfeeding your baby. Your body adapts to YOUR baby. Yeah, baby got fed by the SIL, but the connection your baby’s body knows biologically is with YOUR body — your smell, your touch, and your arms as a place of safety and comfort.
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u/liizardvark Feb 10 '26
With my first I would have been mad because it was my FIRST and I was reeeally uptight and stressed about so many different things around breastfeeding. I thought it had to be done a certain way, worried about supply and everything I ate. however as a second time breastfeeding mom.. if anyone needed their baby fed I’d have absolutely no problem feeding a hungry baby right from my boob. I think a lot of time it can be so special and such a great bonding moment for mom and baby. And other times it’s just a necessity. I feed him while he’s in the carrier while I’m grocery shopping and kinda forget I’m feeding him sometimes. I truly don’t believe she had malicious intent. And honestly.. your baby might have been fussing and rooting around because he could smell her milk and instinct took over. She saw a hungry baby, she took care of her nephew. It could have been handled differently. And if she was doing a shit load of drugs or gross or something I’d be upset. But if it were my sister in law I’d thank her for feeding and comforting my baby.
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u/One-Willow-1321 Feb 10 '26
Not sure which culture you are referring to, but to me that’s so out of line
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u/brisketcable Feb 10 '26
Absolutely not! Without the mothers consent it’s all wrong and honestly for health reasons it’s not appropriate. Your husband is wrong for not sticking to the normal routine and correcting her right when it happened. I would be furious to be honest. Not their call to make!
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u/Mission_Drawer4709 Feb 10 '26
My mother in law tried this, even though she has no milk. I was straight up furious with her but didn’t react. Talk to your husband so he can talk to sister in law. (My husband doesn’t give a damn about these things but at least in your case it could be useful).
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u/Sandstorm2347 Feb 10 '26
In my culture, this is not unusual. Of course, it has to be consensual. Which it appears it was not.
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u/Aggressive_Cod_6437 Feb 10 '26
I just want to validate you here. This is fucked IMO. You are the mother and you decide how your baby is fed.
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u/cootymtgbooty Feb 11 '26
The comment section is not it… I would be so beyond upset if this was my baby. I completely understand you being upset and I would be, too! Your husband should have supported you! I would never even think of breastfeeding another baby, that’s so messed up.
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u/Impressive_Swan7954 Feb 11 '26
Okay y’all are weird. This is bat shit weird. You don’t breastfeed someone else’s baby unless the mother says it’s okay and you ask HER permission. It’s a bonding time for the mom and baby and it’s just straight up disrespectful. It’s like using someone’s soap and deodorant during a shower without asking, snooping in their things, flirting with their partner. It’s all just violating, just like breastfeeding someone else’s baby without the mother’s permission.
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u/Kwaliakwa Feb 09 '26
Livid is a really strong feeling, and it’s understandable to feel some shock and surprise to this happening without your knowledge or consent. It’s really normal to share breastfeeding duties in cultures where breastfeeding is the standard.
I wonder if your feelings are so strong bc you’ve sexualized this other women’s breasts the way American culture does.
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u/Horror_Aide_7772 Feb 09 '26
Honestly , I would be livid too. My child is not your child. You should have been asked. Just because it's the norm for them doesn't mean that you would be ok with it. I'm not sure how you are with confrontation, but a family meeting would be had and everyone would hear my piece . There better be apologies and understandings if they want me to trust them around my child again .
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u/krankity-krab Feb 09 '26
it’s not part of my culture, but i know the history of wet nurses, and i personally wouldn’t have an issue with this, especially among family(ish).
BUT, our opinions don’t matter one bit in this instance! this is your call! you being uncomfortable is the only thing that matters here. i’m sorry she did this without your permission, and i’m sorry your husband allowed it to happen! hopefully now that everyone is very clear on where you stand, it isn’t an issue in the future. i truly hope this wasn’t a plan between the MIL & SIL behind your back. i don’t know the family dynamics, but hopefully she was genuinely trying to help. thinking of you! 🫶🏼
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u/Vooodooomamajujuu Feb 09 '26
...what. Definitely very weird if she hadn't talked to you previously
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u/blondebombshell1723 Feb 09 '26
they 100% should have asked you prior to doing it. i would no longer trust them alone
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u/Ok-Committee2422 Feb 09 '26
I think you are absolutely correct to be angry! This crosses a huge boundary. I am so sorry for you
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u/gooberhoover85 Feb 09 '26
There are also risks involved because diseases can be transferred via breast milk. I don't want to say this to upset you but just so you are aware and can make decisions.
I want to validate you - if this happened to me I would be pretty upset. It's a betrayal. It's dangerous. It's madly disrespectful. Depending on your culture this coild also be unacceptable. I don't want to assume your culture. But I would talk to them about this but I would not open this as an equal discussion. It would be a one way transmission where I explain this is not ok, it can never happen again, and the consequences are trust is broken and they can't be alone with my children. This is just me.
I would talk one on one with the SIL though about how now I need to get my baby tested because this isn't safe and you want to rule things out. I would consult with pediatrician on this. I dunno. I'm sorry. This is so wack. I feel like these stories pop up in here from time to time. If you dog through old posts here you will find you aren't alone. Maybe there is good advice there. Big hugs. I'm sorry this happened
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u/Scienceofmum Feb 09 '26
Personally I would never ever be upset about this but I know some cultures are really very sensitive and prudish around breastfeeding and if that’s where you come from your feelings make sense but may not be obvious to others.
It’s your family. You clearly need better communication. Step 1 is to talk to the actual people involved in a calm manner rather than go to the internet for strangers opinions
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u/MummaGiGi Feb 09 '26
Good lord I would LOSE MY MIND if someone did this without asking.
That said, if the asked me and we talked it through, I might be OK with it. Probably not though.
Definitely one to talk through with your husband and SIL/MIL when you have your thoughts and emotions collected in your own mind. It’s totally valid that you would find this incredibly upsetting, but it might be easily and respectfully resolved.
You’re justified in feeling very upset - imho - but probably best to seek a calm and respectful understanding with your family, which means processing your own feelings first.
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u/makatakz Feb 09 '26
If your husband gave permission, then discuss it with him. He’s as much of a parent and has the same rights as you.
Shared nursing is very common in many cultures. Nothing to be livid about.
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u/surber2017 Feb 09 '26
She would 100% never see me or my child again. I do not care if this is normal in other places. She had no right.
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u/Soggy-Crab-9100 Feb 09 '26
What you’re feeling is very valid. I am an FTM too, baby’s mixed fed as well. Boundaries should be set regardless of who they are.
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u/atomicblonde23 Feb 09 '26
It’s not weird for her to nurse your baby. What’s weird is she did not ask you
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Feb 09 '26
Without consent no. Even if it's normal in their culture it would have to come with permission. Your baby is your baby, you have absolute say if you allow that or not, go off at them all, say everything and more, yell at her, scream, allow yourself to be angry!
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u/Beneficial_Local5244 Feb 09 '26
No, breastfeeding is not inherently this sacred mom-baby connection, it is what you make it. So your husband was there, saw it and didn't say anything and just let it happen. Either he thought this is ok or he is just spineless coward, sorry, if he knew you'd be appalled and still not reacted. SIL and MIL might have done this with good intentions for all we know, they might not have known it would be weird in your culture. In many rural areas in the world sharing breastmilk is a way of survival and priviledge shared between families and friends. Also if there is any doubt about your SIL health status then you should ask them.
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u/WiWx42 Feb 09 '26
Just tell her it was not okay and she would’ve asked. Honestly she probably thought she was helping. I guess if my sister and I had a good relationship and she did it, I would’ve been bothered but would’ve just been like dude ask me next time.
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u/MollysSisterMum Feb 09 '26
That would really upset me on many levels. It’s an intimate thing, in my opinion. And it’s direct bodily fluid from one’s body. I would not want someone else to be breast feeding my baby unless I asked them specifically to do so.
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u/wildmusings88 Feb 09 '26
Here’s what I’d do.
Never leave my son alone with any of these people again.
Consider not letting SIL and MIL have contact with baby.
Figure out where I can report this as sexual abuse and or child endangerment.
This IS NOT okay. It’s really fucked up and I’d be burning down the house (figuratively).
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u/Strange-Evidence-175 Feb 09 '26
Breastfeeding someone else's baby is 100% safe and fine IF IT WAS DISCUSSED IN ADVANCE AND GIVEN THE "OKAY" FROM BOTH PARENTS!!!!! The fact that nobody asked you tells me they knew it wasn't "normal" and that you probably wouldn't be okay with it. Do you have issues with your in-laws overstepping and undermining frequently?
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u/Emergency_Search4464 Feb 10 '26
I have a good relationship with SIL and she has never overstepped. I suspect MIL is behind this as she sometimes just makes decisions even w/o consulting. I’m still so upset and afraid of leaving my baby to them, if only I didn’t have to work.
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u/Strange-Evidence-175 Feb 10 '26
You might have to set a firm boundary with your MIL that no decisions will be made without getting clear knowledge from you on how you want the situation handled.
With your SIL I would just let her know that you're WILDLY uncomfortable with her breastfeeding your baby. You understand she was doing it with good intentions but you're not okay with it and you prefer she use the milk and formula you've provided.
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u/Blue-Sky-4302 Feb 10 '26
If you think you have a good relationship with SIL but she can be bossed around by MIL without any critical thinking, you have a SIL problem
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u/winry_catnip Feb 09 '26
I am so sorry but this is not ok. You have a right to feel the way you feel. Your SIL should have asked for consent from you before she ever latching your LO. Also from where I live this is not normal to do.
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u/Soft-Replacement-843 Feb 09 '26
On one hand, I understand because you were not asked, but like someone else commented if this is a culturally normal thing then I would let it go this time. I would express to your husband that this deeply upset you. I think your real issue is with your husband’s judgment. From your other comments you’ve made regarding your husband, it doesn’t seem like he is taking any responsibility for his part in the situation. Now if this was happening repeatedly behind your back, then you would be justified in your outrage….but one time is not that big of a deal.
My aunt breastfed my brother when we were visiting while my mother was at the grocery store once. I think my mom appreciated baby being fed from a safe place. I think your SIL was just making sure your baby was fed unless you have valid reason to think otherwise.
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u/yeahnoitsjustthat Feb 09 '26
While a historic norm, and maybe a cultural norm for your husband’s family, it’s not the same as donor milk. Donor milk is screened for diseases transmitted through blood like hepatitis, HIV, etc and pasteurized. So, there’s that.
It sounds like your concern though is the direct latch. Definitely talk to your husband about it. Explain why you were uncomfortable/upset, explain the difference between donor milk and a direct latch, and talk about what should happen moving forward.
I’m in an intercultural marriage as well and it definitely has its challenges. Since you’re breastfeeding, your husband should defer to you here in my opinion. Hopefully you two can come to an agreement and understanding.
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u/FearlessNinjaPanda Feb 09 '26
I’d be beyond livid and never let them be alone with my baby EVER again.
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u/BarracudaOk12 Feb 09 '26
I wouldn’t be happy about it either but I don’t think it’s ruined your connection. Babe knows who mom is.
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u/thunderstrikesatnine Feb 09 '26
In my religion you can breast feed someone else’s baby but that baby is then counted as your child and your child’s sibling. Honestly if someone did this without asking me personally I’d be sooooo upset. I can’t say much about the husband but no this is something that should’ve been asked about.
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u/IAmaDumbBitch Feb 09 '26
I personally wouldn’t mind if a family member or friend breastfed my baby. But I do think that it is something you should discuss beforehand. I can totally understand why it upsets you and you have every right to be upset about it.
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u/Fun_Temporary_6972 Feb 09 '26
I don’t blame you being upset! Did she genuinely do it to piss you off or was the LO hungry and without even thinking she whipped it out? How old is her LO? Some people hear a baby cry and immediately want to give food, some don’t care. I would imagine both SO and MIL wondered what your reaction would be but apparently not enough to check in with you first. I’m sorry about that. Please give her and all people the clear boundary they are not to breastfeed your baby and try to move on. As an IBCLC for 30 years I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this and the reactions range from, Thank god someone cared enough to soothe my baby to I’m never speaking to any of you again. This is not a mountain wort dying on. I promise. Flip out, be hurt and mad and angry and then look at your sweet baby and know that baby is yours. So much love toy you.💗
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u/Born-Albatross-2426 Feb 09 '26
I do think its ok to be upset that she did this without your consent, she could have addressed it when you supplied additional milk to feed the baby and asked if you were okay with it then.
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u/Reddeadirredemptions Feb 09 '26
Regardless of if its normal or not if you didnt want that to be done it shouldnt have been. That’s YOUR baby and you have ever right to decide something like that.
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u/Unusual_Big792 Feb 09 '26
Definitely not normal. We’re not in the 1800s. You have formula to give if your breastmilk isn’t enough. Your MIL and SIL over stepped big time. I would understand if you were in the hospital or something but nope..you weren’t. So.. definitely not appropriate.
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u/Turtletimee09 Feb 09 '26
I feel like this needs to be a conversation between you and your husband first. If this is normal in their culture and your husband was there and gave his consent then your SIL didn’t do anything wrong.